[SOL bridge interior]

[DIANE, NYSSA, HELEN, and NUMBER ONE (Female) are all
standing around the console chatting]

HELEN: So, what do you lot do when you aren't being smart-
arses in the Theater? How do you pass the time up here?

DIANE: This and that. We all like to watch anime, and there's
books to read and the Artificial Reality machine.

HELEN: Is that _all_?

NYSSA: No. We have hobbies, too. Diane likes jigsaw puzzles,
Number One writes insulting poems about major political figures,
and I'm into Deranged Science.

NUMBER ONE (F): That reminds me, I need to finish 'Shall I
Compare Thee to a Simmering Pile of Hog Feces'.

HELEN: And that's it, pretty much?

DIANE: Well, yeah.

HELEN: Hmph. Mistress Helen sees that her hard-partying tal-
ents are sorely needed in this place!

DIANE: (to NYSSA) Is it a bad sign when they talk about
themselves in third-person.

NYSSA: (grimly, to DIANE) Very bad.

[A light on the console begins to flash]

NUMBER ONE (F): [sighs] Let's see what the Apple Dumpling
Gang wants... [presses light]


[Interior back room at This Time Round]

[ADRIC is standing behind the console, while TEGAN is in the
background reading through some papers]

ADRIC: Hello, all! Are we having a good time?






NUMBER ONE (F): _Hell_ no!



ADRIC: Well _I_ am, which is all that really matters when you
get right to it, since I'm the boss! In the words of Mel Brooks,
"It's good to be the King!"



NUMBER ONE (F): I gotta admit, Rodent-boy, your taunting
has really improved.

DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Yeah, he can be almost as
much a bastard as you can.

NUMBER ONE (F): [grins ferally] I do try.



ADRIC: I'll take that as a compliment, Diane.



NYSSA: What's the backstabber up to back there?



ADRIC: You mean Tegan? Well, after the earlier _discussion_
with Helen about her contract, Tegan thought it might be a good
idea to check out her own, just to make sure everything is as it's
supposed to be. Although she needn't worry. Her pay and terms
are set at a very satisfactory level in Australian dollars, and the
only fine print is where it relates to a few minor addenda...

[TEGAN rushes up to ADRIC, waving the contract indignantly]

TEGAN: (shouting) ADRIC!! Just what the Hell is _this_?!

ADRIC: (nervously) Why, Tegan, is there something amiss?

TEGAN: (angrily) Amiss my ass! What is all _this_ about?!
[points at a page of the contract]

ADRIC: (very nervously) That's just the employee safety section
of your agreement...

TEGAN: (very angrily) Safety?! It says I have to let you watch
me in the shower!

ADRIC: (very, very nervously) Well, yes. That's for your
personal protection, after all. I mean, lots of accidents happen
in the shower...

[TEGAN bends down and picks up a convenient chair leg. She
thumps it meaningfully in her palm]

TEGAN: (hissing) I think it's time to renegotiate my contract...
In private.

[As TEGAN advances on ADRIC, she reaches over and hits a
large and conspicuous button on the console]



[Various alarms, lights, and sirens go off as general chaos ensues]

ALL: Aah! We've got second-half fanfic sign!

[ALL run off]


[Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]


[SOL Theater interior]

[All four enter the theater as usual and take their accustomed

NYSSA: [chuckles] You know, I couldn't have wished labor
trouble on a more deserving guy.

[A screen in front of the four lights up and words begin to appear
on it.]

> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NUMBER ONE (F): The trail of oil puddles left behind by Dave's

>SCENE 7: Dave and Nyssa I

HELEN: Nyssa the First, Empress of all Keweenaw!


NYSSA: The opposite of 'nicewhile'.

>[hardly an appropriate adverb, actually],

NUMBER ONE (F): (Bill Clinton) I never used any inappropriate
adverb, to the best of my knowledge.

>the other pair have arrived at Dave's cottage. We see them
>making their ways

NUMBER ONE (F): (singing) ...the only way they know how/
But that's just a little bit more/Than the law will allow...

DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Great. Now I have the idea of a
'Dukes of Hazzard' crossover stuck in my head...

>down the snow-covered drive on snowshoes. The sun has
>broken through the clouds and made the place bright.)

HELEN: Which is more than can be said for the protagonists.

>(We have our first view of the cottage. It is made from brown
>stone, variously shaded and all from the lake shore. It is two
>stories tall, and the windows are trimmed with red and white.
>A sign hangs over the front door which says, "A Hut of Stone."

NYSSA: (incredibly bored) I wonder how they came up with
that name?

> Pine and aspen surround it, and the lake begins only twenty
>feet from its north wall.)
>(Nyssa is enchanted.

NYSSA: Sorcery _would_ explain my behavior...

>Her people long ago gave up building character

DIANE: My Dad could make them mow the lawn. He always
said that that builds character.

> into their homes in the interest of utility.)
>N. It's beautiful.
>D. Thank you. I thought you'd like it.

HELEN: (Ramsey) Does it put you... 'in the mood'?

>N. You said that your grandfather built it?
>D. With help from my grandmother, my uncle and my father.
>N. I want to see what it looks like inside.
>(They approach the rear entrance

HELEN: Ooh. Hurts a bit, but fun once you get going.

OTHERS: [wince and squirm in their seats]

DIANE: (to HELEN) Helen, have you ever heard of the concept
of 'over-sharing'?

>and get to the door after a minute of digging. There are two or
>more feet of snow, except for a four foot drift near the front

NYSSA: That was badly-phrased, inasmuch as a four-foot drift
falls into the category of 'two or more feet of snow'. In addition,
that should read "..._is_ two or more feet of snow,..." instead of
"..._are_ two or more...".

OTHERS: [look at NYSSA curiously]

NYSSA: (to OTHERS) Picking on the grammar keeps me from
thinking about what the fanfic-me is doing.

>(They enter and we follow with them. Dave takes Nyssa

HELEN: ...right there on the floor.

DIANE: (Nyssa) Oww! Oww! Splinter in my butt!

>around, showing her the old kerosene stove, the bookcase and
>other furnishings, the solid pine logs which support the second

HELEN: ...the mirrors on the ceiling, the disco ball, the lava
lamp, the heart-shaped vibrating bed...

>and the view of the lake from upstairs. Nyssa is even more

NUMBER ONE (F): Poor thing failed another Saving Throw vs.

>N. It's all so wonderful. You were lucky to have such a place
>at which to spend your summer holidays when you were young.

NYSSA: (Michael Palin) _We_ lived for three months in a paper
bag in a septic tank.

>D. I have great memories surrounding this place. Playing on
>beach and on the rocks. Getting lost in the woods with my

DIANE: (Ramsey) Getting lost on the beach with my uncle.
Getting lost on the road. Getting lost in the rocks. Getting lost
in the driveway. Mom says it has something to do with the
Hibiki side of the family...

>Lots of other things, too. (He's also thinking of practicalities.)
>How about if I get a fire going in the fireplace?

NYSSA: Aww... I was hoping you'd light one in the middle of
the floor.

>Then we can go out and explore a bit and have warmth to come
>back to.
>N. All right.
>D. Just a minute.
>(He runs upstairs and comes back with a heavy quilt.)

HELEN: (Ramsey) We'll put this on the floor, and that should
keep you from getting another splinter...

>D. Here. Wrap up in this and keep warm while I get the fire

ALL: (chanting) The roof! The roof! The roof is on fire! We
don't need no water! Let the motherfu--

NYSSA: (interrupting) Ahem!

>N. Thanks.
>(He begins to gather up wood and newspapers while Nyssa
>wraps the quilt around herself and makes herself comfortable
>on the big, overstuffed couch.)

DIANE: Ooooh... a romantic scene in the making!

HELEN: (Eddie Murphy) Nyssa gonna have relations! Nyssa
gonna have relations!

> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

DIANE: Tear along the perforation and mail the upper portion
of the fanfic along with your check...

>SCENE 8: A while later
>(They are now outside on the snowshoes again, wandering
>along the shore. The sun has ignited the brightness of the

NUMBER ONE (F): Just how does one ignite snow?

>which stands out in great contrast to the gray-blue of the
>swelling lake. An icepack

HELEN: ...is on Nyssa's head. The poor dear had too much
tequila the night before.

> extends out about a hundred yards to a line of rocky reefs
>which jut out of the lake,

NUMBER ONE (F): ...just beyong the Apollo Creed reefs...

>but there is also dark open water in the midst of the ice.)
>(They pass over a point and we see a small island. There is
>open water between it and the shore. The water along the
>shoreline is not free;

NYSSA: There's a cover charge and a two-drink minimum.

> it is full of floating masses of ice. There is a distinct sound
> accompanying the slow swelling of the lake through the ice, a
>quiet hissing.)

DIANE: No, I'm afraid that's the audience.

>D. I named that island Elf Island a long time ago. I used it in
>a story I was writing about a lake monster and some nefarious

NYSSA: _Nefarious_ elves? What, do they make unsafe toys?
Bake Keebler Fudge-and-Hash cookies?

HELEN: Legolas is a gangsta!

>This whole area lends itself to the telling of stories.
>N. I can see how it would.

NYSSA: Anything to escape such a dreary reality...

>D. It's too bad there isn't an ice bridge to the island now. I've
>walked across it to the island some years.

DIANE: Any fool can walk on water if the world is cold enough.

HELEN: (to DIANE) Huh?

DIANE: [shrugs] Someone I know used to say that a lot.

>N. It's hard to believe that it's really winter. It's so bright.

HELEN: Which is more than can be said for the protagonists.

NYSSA: (to HELEN) You did that one already.

HELEN: [shrugs] It's still true.

>D. But hardly friendly. But you should see it when it really
>feels like winter.

NUMBER ONE (F): (Ramsey) The cold makes it draw up like a
shy turtle!

NYSSA: I'm not even going to ask...

> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NUMBER ONE (F): It's the line to get Sarah Sutton's autograph
at ANORAKON 2000.

NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Who's that? I've never heard
of her.

>SCENE 9: The second pair

HELEN: (dirty old man) And what a pair! Hubba-hubba!

>(They have taken their cue from the end of Scene 8:

DIANE: ...and left the fic while there was still a chance.

>they are standing in the same place looking at the same island,
>but the feel is totally different.

HELEN: Latex and leather on shaven skin. Gotta love it!

DIANE: [looks worriedly at HELEN]

>The sky is heavy, and although there is only a light powdery

NUMBER ONE (F): Darryl Strawberry runs around frantically
cutting it into lines and snorting until his sinuses freeze.

>sifting down at the moment, the darkness portends heavier
>snowfall soon.)
>N. Elf Island. I can almost see legends storming around it,
>and you haven't told me anything about it.

DIANE: (Ramsey) It's supposedly the home of the Keweenaw
Witch, a ghostly old woman who cursed the people hereabouts
so that all their babies would be born naked, bald, and toothless.

>D. I've never seen it this dark out here at midday. Perhaps we
>should get back to the car and try to get back to Houghton
>before the blizzard hits.

NYSSA: Perhaps we shouldn't have driven out in the middle of
nowhere if a blizzard was on the way.

>N. That sounds like a good idea.
>(At that moment Nyssa notices a tiny canoe-like boat

HELEN: (Nyssa) Is that a tiny canoe-like boat in your pocket or
are you just glad to see me?

>swinging out from behind the island and points at it.)
>N. Look! What's that?
>D. It's a boat.

NYSSA: That was a helpful observation.

>(They watch it making slow headway toward the shore.)
>D. I think we should hide.
>(He draws her out of view.)
>N. Why?

NUMBER ONE (F): (Ramsey) I'm practicing for the Olympic
Hide-and-Seek team, and I need to train whenever I can.

>D. Because of what's in the boat.
>N. It's only a little man.

NUMBER ONE (F): A little man-in-the-boat? WHAHAHAHA!

DIANE, HELEN, and NUMBER ONE (F): [laugh]

NYSSA: (to OTHERS) Am I to infer from this little display
that the phrase 'man-in-the-boat' has some slang meaning of
which I am unaware?

HELEN: [nods, giggling] It means... heeheeheh... means...

NYSSA: I believe I can figure out its meaning on my own.

>D. People don't grow that small on Earth.

NUMBER ONE (F): It might be George Stephanopoulos.

DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) He's taller than you, right now.

NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) That's true. As a girl, you're
even shorter than me. Just how tall is your girl half, anyway?

NUMBER ONE (F): [glares at OTHERS] (mutters) Four-foot-

DIANE: (singing) Short people got/Nobody...

NYSSA: (singing) It's all right/To be little-bitty...

[HELEN glares at NYSSA and DIANE and puts her arm around
NUMBER ONE (F) protectively]

HELEN: (singing) Thank heaven for _little_ girls...

>You may be used to seeing extraordinary things, but I'd rather
>not take any chances.
>N. I've learned to listen to local wisdom.

HELEN: (Ramsey) Have you? Well then, it would probably be
a good idea for you to take your panties off, as well.

>(Dave peeks to see how the elf is progressing.

NYSSA: An elf. From Elf Island. [sighs] And here I thought
we'd already hit rock-bottom.

NUMBER ONE (F): Cool! Maybe it's Skywise or Rayek!

>He is making his way toward the shore, but not directly toward
>where Dave and Nyssa are hiding.)

DIANE: They aren't actually concealed. They're really just stand-
ing there with their hands over their eyes, on the 'I can't see you,
so you can't see me' principle.

>D. I'm not sure where he's heading. Maybe we should try to
>follow him after he lands.
>N. Why?

NUMBER ONE (F): (Irishman) He'll lead us to his pot o' gold!

>D. For the same reason as before.
>N. All right.

NYSSA: (monotone) You are the man, and I am the mere female.
I shall accede to your wishes and refrain from offering input, so
as not to disturb your mighty ruminations.

>(The elf lands a dozen yards from Dave and Nyssa, but between
>them and the cottage. He pulls the boat up on the ice. Dave
>and Nyssa are both watching intently as the elf does something
>that makes his vessel disappear.)

DIANE: (Doug Henning) It's _Maaaagic_!

>(At that moment the elf looks up and, probably just by chance,

HELEN: It's a bad sign when even the author isn't completely
certain what's going on.

NYSSA: (to HELEN) Get used to it.

>sees the two sets of eyes watching him.)
>E. David Ramsey and Nyssa of Traken!

DIANE: (elf, as policeman) You are wanted for First Degree
Criminal Blandness! Come out with your hands up!

>You don't need to hide from me. Do come out! We need to get
>indoors as quickly as we can.

HELEN: All right! Threesome time!

NUMBER ONE (F): (to HELEN) With an elf? More like a two-

>(Dave and Nyssa come into full view. At that moment the snow
>steps up its assault.)

NYSSA: (Sergeant) All right you flakes! For God, England, and
Jack Frost, let's go get 'em! Yaaaahh!!

>D. You're right. We need to hurry.
>(They begin to make their way back to Dave's cottage. They
>are quickly indistiguishable from the whiteness of the storm.)

NUMBER ONE (F): A subtle allegory on racism in contemporary
American television, or mere clumsy prose? You be the judge.

DIANE: It's the second one.

> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

HELEN: I know! It's a ley line. Follow it, and I bet you'll end
up at Stonehenge.

>SCENE 10: Dave, Nyssa and Elf, back in the cottage

DIANE: (elf, suavely) So, who wants to get smurfy?

>(There is a fire and all three are standing close to it.

NUMBER ONE (F): That is, until Dave mistakes Shorty for a
piece of kindling...

>The power is out and there are several candles and a kerosene
>lamp for light. They will all move around during this scene,

HELEN: The candles and lamp move around? Is this 'Beauty and
the Beast'?

NYSSA: More like 'Beauty and the Bore'.

[NUMBER ONE (F) stands up in her seat, throws out her arms in
a dramatic sweep, and begins singing.]

NUMBER ONE (F): (singing)
o/~ Be our guest!
Be our guest!
We'll put your patience to the test!
In this snowbound cottage now the plottage is depressed!
So the tale is oh-so-boring
And the readership is snoring
Because nothing ever happens
There's just Dave and Nyssa's yappings!
There will not be any action
Or excitement -- Not a fraction!
All of that stuff only leaves you feeling stressed!
The blandness keeps increasing, with no sign of ceasing
So be our guest!
Be our guest!
Be our guest! o/~

OTHERS: [applaud, wide-eyed]

NUMBER ONE (F): [bows and sits down]

NYSSA: (to OTHERS) Strange, isn't it, that One sings so well as
a girl, but as a guy he sounds like a pit bull with the croup?

>sometimes standing by the fire, sometimes sitting near it.)

DIANE: Sometimes roasting over it on a spit.

>(The elf is approximately two feet high, but reasonably

HELEN: "Hung like a hamster", in other words?

> There is nothing very odd about his physiognomy: no pointed
>ears or any of the other traditional elf-like features.)

NYSSA: He's actually a garden gnome in disguise.

>N. Have you enough wood to last a while?

NUMBER ONE (F): (Ramsey) I had plenty this morning.

[HELEN laughs, while NYSSA and DIANE look puzzled.]

>D. This should do us. If we run low, there is more out in the
>little cabin. I don't think it will be to hard to get

HELEN: ...in your panties.

NYSSA: Harder than he thinks. I'm not wearing any.

[NUMBER ONE (F) and HELEN both perk up and surreptitiously
give NYSSA a looking-over.]

>out there and back with the snow shoes.
>(Neither Dave nor Nyssa are sure what to do about the elf-like
>beingwho knows their names and appears to be friendly.

DIANE: (Ramsey, uncertainly) Hmmm... fried or roasted? And
what wine do you serve with elf?

>He hasn't said much. Now he breaks his silence.)

NUMBER ONE (F): [makes fart noise]

>E. You have a nice place here -- out of the cold and quite
>cheerful in contrast to the weather outside.
>D. Thank you.

DIANE: (Ramsey) You are quite skilled at stating the obvious.
Your name wouldn't be Troi, would it?

NUMBER ONE (F): (to DIANE, contemptuously) Trekkie!

>Would you mind telling us who, and what, you are?

NUMBER ONE (F): (elf) My name is unimportant. All you
need know is that I have come for vengeance against the one
called Gargamel.

>E. My name is Argix.

NYSSA: Argix? Did he say _Argix_? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!

[NYSSA collapses in helpless laughter as the others look on cur-

NUMBER ONE (F): (to NYSSA) What's the deal? The name's
not _that_ weird.

NYSSA: You don't... heeheehee... understand. In Trakenish,
'Argix' means... hahahahahah... means... hehehehehehehehe... it

[NYSSA gets her laughter under control for a moment and
whispers something in NUMBER ONE (F)'s ear. NUMBER
ONE (F) turns very red and starts to giggle as NYSSA starts
laughing again.]

NUMBER ONE (F): (to NYSSA) Damn, Nyssa! I didn't know
you Trakens even _did_ that sort of thing!

NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) We don't! Not usually, any-
way. But we still have a word for it.

NUMBER ONE (F): And he named an _elf_ that? [laughs]

DIANE and HELEN: (to NYSSA) Tell us! Tell us!

NYSSA: (to DIANE) No way. You've been picking on me, so
you're out of luck.

[NUMBER ONE (F) whispers in HELEN's ear. HELEN blushes
furiously and starts giggling.]

HELEN: That's sick! Even I wouldn't do that!

DIANE: (to HELEN) Tell me what it means! Nyssa's holding
out on me.

HELEN: (to DIANE) I'll tell you... for a kiss.

DIANE: (to HELEN, surprised) Beg pardon?

HELEN: (to DIANE) That's my price. I'll tell you what 'Argix'...

[NYSSA and NUMBER ONE (F) begin to snicker badly]

HELEN: (to DIANE) ...means if you give me a smooch.

DIANE: (to HELEN) You're out of your mind! No way! I'm not
kissing a woman!

HELEN: [shrugs] Your loss, then. Heh heh... 'Argix'... heh heh

>I am a scout for the Threnodanians, although I myself am just a

NYSSA: (elf) I also have an anorexic cousin, 'Diet Sprite'.

HELEN: 'The Sprite Who Came in from the Cold'...

>D. Sprite, as in elf, leprecaun, brownie?

HELEN: Awww... somebody got a thesaurus for Christmas.

>E. From one perspective, yes. When your people have seen my
>people, they have used such labels.

NUMBER ONE (F): (elf) But, we prefer to be called 'Low-Altitude-

>We are just servants of the Threnodanians.
>(Nyssa is possibly slightly more apprehensive about the sprite
>than Dave.

DIANE: I didn't realize she was apprehensive about Dave at all.
Must be smarter than she acts.

> She has seen scouts before looking over planets like the Earth.)

NUMBER ONE (F): They're going to swoop down on the unsus-
pecting populace and sell them cookies.

>N. Please pardon my asking, but why are you here?

HELEN: (elf) It's a long story, but when a Mommy sprite and a
Daddy sprite love each other very much, they get certain urges...

>A. I can understand your apprehension. Earth is off-limits to
>open visitation at this stage in its maturity,

NYSSA: (snottily) ...or lack thereof.

>although that may be allowed to expire in another hundred
>years. Do you know that they've been showing serious signs in
>the last ten years of taking responsibility for themselves?

NUMBER ONE (F): This is supposed to be 1990, so it's _before_
the coming of Clinton and the 'Help-Me-I'm-A-Victim-of-Society
Generation'. Bah! I spit on them and their weak, self-absorbed,
touchy-feely world!

HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Has anyone ever told you that
you're really cute when you're pontificating? The way your chest
heaves and your lips curl... [sighs]

>It probably won't last long at this stage, but it's a move in the
>right direction.
>N. I would like an answer to my question.

DIANE: Ooh! Baby got backbone!

>A. You've seen too many invasions, my dear. The
>Threnodanians are about as peaceful as you can get.

NYSSA: Well I'm not! So answer me before I get medieval on
your pixie ass!

>D. Are these Threnodanians considering taking up residence
>on Earth?

NUMBER ONE (F): (Ramsey) I can see it now. They'll move
in with their loud music and big cars, and the next thing you
know, there'll be a dozen of them and they'll be stealing stuff and
starting fights and trying to date white girls...

>A. I'm only looking over this particular region. They're
>waiting to hear back from me.

DIANE: (Nyssa) Ah. So, if we kill you...

>If I bring a favorable report, some of them will surely come.

HELEN: I hope they're wearing washable fabrics.

>D. "Some" doesn't sound like an invasion...

NUMBER ONE (F): Like when some Germans went to Poland
in 1939?

>N. Why would they come here, anyway?

NYSSA: For that matter, why did I?

>A. Look at this place! It would be perfect for them!

NYSSA: They're a race of masochists?

HELEN: Hmm... I'll have to meet some of these Thredno-

>D. They like cold and lots of snow?

DIANE: (elf) No, it's because we're not far from Ontario and
they consider Canadians to be a delicacy.

>A. They don't care a bit about the physical aspects. Unaffected,
>except here. (He taps the side of his head.)

ALL: [make hollow knocking sound]

>N. What are Threnodanians like?

DIANE: (elf) They look like humans, but with funny bumps on
their foreheads.

NYSSA: [nods knowingly] Roddenberry aliens.

>A. You wouldn't have a dictionary around here, would you?

NUMBER ONE (F): As far as unwarranted optimism goes,
looking for a book in Michigan is about like going fishing in
the kitchen sink.

>D. I don't think so.

NUMBER ONE (F): [shrugs] See what I mean?

>A. I would have asked you to look up "threnody." It would
>clear up some of your questions.

DIANE: ...and prove to you that I'm not cheating at Scrabble.

>N. You could just tell us what it means.
>A. Certainly. I'm afraid I'm used to people who require precise
>definitions, and they hate it when I have to paraphrase.

HELEN: (elf) But, since you two seem rather doltish, I'll just say

>D. Go ahead and paraphrase.

NYSSA: (airhead) We like paraphrasing.

>A. A threnody is a song of lamentation and grief.

NUMBER ONE (F): Anything by George Jones, then?

>The Threnodanians do more than sing, however.

DIANE: (elf) They also tap dance, juggle, and can pull off a
decent five-minute standup routine.

>They capture what they sense in a myriad of forms -- words,
>ideas, images.

DIANE: ...odors...

NYSSA: ...recipes...

HELEN: ...soap carvings...

NUMBER ONE (F): ...interpretive dentistry...

>They live it. They store them and remember them. And
>sometimes, they share them.
>N. That doesn't sound very harmful.

NYSSA: ...unless they share their memories of a Pearl Jam con-

>A. It isn't. It's very beautiful. They are dedicated to
>remembering that which might otherwise be lost --

NUMBER ONE (F): I'll bet it sucks trying to borrow money from
them. (Threnodanian) You never paid back the five bucks I
loaned you back in June of '97...

>the memories of grief upon which the characters of individuals
>and cultures are built.

NYSSA: Fascinating. They wallow in other peoples' self-pity.

>D. And you scout out planets -- for what?

HELEN: (elf) Hot-looking broads, mostly. I mean, memories of
grief aren't _everything_.

>A. For potential value as inspiration. The Threnodanians prefer
>young worlds and peoples

DIANE: Rather like Woody Allen.

>who are still in their birth pangs. From what I've seen of Earth,
>they would love the place.

NYSSA: (elf) And the local girls are all so _easy_!

HELEN and DIANE: [glare at NYSSA]

HELEN: (to NYSSA) I prefer to be called 'approachable'.

>This day, for example. This storm. I know a triplet of Threns
>who would die to be here right now.

NUMBER ONE (F): And I know a quartet of humanoids who
would kill to be away from _here_ right now.

>Even I can feel the emotion in the lake and in the air,

DIANE: (elf) It's sexual frustration, and it seems to be coming
from you, David Ramsey.

>and see the struggle between man and nature. Your people,
>David Ramsey, are worth studying. You have a long history of
>living in places which are inhospitable.

NUMBER ONE (F): Like, anywhere north of Tennessee.

DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) [rolls eyes] Whatever, Stone-

HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE (F), seductively) I'll get some hot
water later, and we'll see if I can make your South rise again...

>And you often choose to work toward difficult goals.

DIANE: (elf) Such as, in your case, getting laid.

NYSSA: (to DIANE) 'Difficult'? Try 'impossible'.

>Although it has often been for survival, you choose to fight the
>forces of nature. Wherever there is struggle, there is also
>failure and grief.

NYSSA: They'd love it on the Satellite, then.

DIANE: (elf) Wherever there is fanfic, there is agony and despair.

HELEN: And wherever there is Helen, there is ecstasy and _this_
pair! [points at her breasts]

>(He turns to the window.)

DIANE: (elf) 'Insufficient Memory'? Damn it, that's it! I'm
getting a Mac!

> Sprites have an odd sense of time.

NUMBER ONE (F): Like dogs, all they know is 'immediately',
which is when they want to be fed, and 'forever', which is how
long you've been away when you go to the grocery store for
an hour.

>It is not as unchained

ALL: (singing) Nothing stays the same!/Un-chained...!

>as that of the Threnodanians, but it makes us useful as surveyors.
> I look out over the lake and I see shadowy history going back
>and forth before my eyes.

DIANE: (elf, as George Bush) I am haunted by the vision of a
thousand points of light...

NUMBER ONE (F): (elf, as George Bush) Read my lips: No
new fanfics!

>I see ships vanishing beneath cold waters, men losing all color
>in their deaths.

NYSSA: Actually, that's the TV you're looking at. I brought along
a copy of 'Titanic'...

>I look back toward the hills and I see and hear the men working
>beneath the ground, toiling against unyielding stone. I see
>some of them buried beneath unexpected rockfalls,

HELEN: That just begs the question of how many were buried
beneath _expected_ rockfalls?

NUMBER ONE (F): (to HELEN) In Michigan? Probably quite
a few.

>but many more, and wives and children as well, buried early
>because of the hardness of life.

DIANE: (English peasant) But, I'm not dead yet! I feel fine!

>These are old happenings I see, but your people struggle on in
>this century in different ways that are often no less demanding.

HELEN: (Ramsey) You better believe it! I, myself, face the
threat of Carpal-Tunnel Syndrome almost daily!

>(Both Dave and Nyssa have been mesmerized by his words.)

NUMBER ONE (F) and NYSSA: (Ramsey and Nyssa, monotone)
It was better than 'Cats'. We're going to see it again and again.

DIANE: (to NYSSA and NUMBER ONE (F)) Whoa! Now _that_
was obscure!

>Even in the two of you I see history and depths that cry out in
> lamentation. Nyssa, though you are from far away, a child of

DIANE: ...Nature, Friend of Man?

NYSSA: [shrugs] I'm just a green-eyed lady.

>Traken and a daughter of a Time Lord, this world suits you and
>you may find that it is

NYSSA: ...easy to feel superior with all these humans around.

>in resonance with your own heart. There are many ways here
>for you to express your pain and also the strength into which it
>is being transformed.

HELEN: (elf, effeminately) I recommend interpretive dance.

>David, you are a modern man but aware of how little time is
>between you and those miners and their families:

NUMBER ONE (F): Just enough to prevent him from having a
career in country music. I mean, let's face it: "I was born a coal-
miner's great-grandnephew" just sounds lame.

>I see that you could understand us sprites and our ability to see
>dimly forward and backward into time by studying our

DIANE: (to OTHERS) I'm starting to pick up signs of another
cool god-boy superpower...

>You are like Nyssa in many ways.

NYSSA: (angrily) You'd better bloody well take that back!

>It is interesting that you have been brought together.

NUMBER ONE (F): Interesting in the pathetic, fanwanky sense
of the word.

>D. When will these Threnodanians arrive? I would like to meet

DIANE: Dreary, depressive fanboy meets dreary, depressive
aliens? God save us from such a fanfic!

NYSSA: Keeper preserve us!

HELEN: Goddess protect us!

NUMBER ONE (F): Robert E. Lee kick the shit out of our

>A. It will be many years yet, but they are not to be looked for.
>They will not show themselves visibly

HELEN: But, they'll show themselves _invisibly_?

>for fear of unduly influencing your people.
>D. Well, you're welcome to visit any time, even if we never
>meet your masters.

DIANE: (Ramsey) Bring the Missus, too. We can all play Bridge
or Strip Twister.

HELEN: (dreamily) Oooh... Strip Twister...

>A. Thank you. I will return at least once more. And now I
>must leave.
>N. You can't go out in the blizzard,

NUMBER ONE (F): (elf, belligerently) Oh, yeah? Who's gonna
_stop_ me?

>especially if your ship is on that island.
>A. It isn't necessary.
>(Again he does something which looks like magic,

HELEN: ...and makes Mr. Mushroom grow before their eyes!

NUMBER ONE (F) and DIANE: [snicker]

>and a pod appears on the floor.

NYSSA: That explains my lack of anything like a personality
in this fanfic! I've been replaced by a pod-person!

>He opens it and we see a small chamber.)
>N. You have dimensional transcendancy.

NUMBER ONE (F): (elf) Yeah, but my urologist is pretty sure
he can cure it.

>A. Not quite as sophisticated as your TARDIS, but efficient
>N. I think you could teach the Time Lords a thing or two.

DIANE: Like what? Toymaking?

>A. Not Time Lords. They appreciate time too well for my taste.

NUMBER ONE (F): (thoughtfully) If Doug was here, he'd make
some really bad pun about the "taste of thyme", and we'd all throw
popcorn or whap him on the head... [sighs]

DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) You miss him too?

NUMBER ONE (F): (to DIANE) A little... But, not enough to
want to trade a gorgeous bisexual dominatrix with 40DD boobs
for him. [points at HELEN] I mean, let's be real, here...

DIANE: [rolls eyes] Oh, of course.

HELEN: How nice of you to say... sort of... I guess...

NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) You really are amazing, you
know that? You spend half or more of your life as a girl now, and
you still manage to be a total sexist pig. I guess this is what they
mean by 'invincible stupidity'.

NUMBER ONE (F): [shrugs] I'm a pig, but I'm a _happy_ pig.

>A bit too stoical, if you know what I mean.

DIANE: (Nyssa) Not a clue, Arg-meister!

>N. Perhaps you're right.
>A. Perhaps I'm not.

NYSSA: Perhaps I should put my foot where it would do the
most good, Mini-Me.

>Well, I must leave.

HELEN: (Nyssa) Nobody's stopping you, Frodo.

>I will return to honor your invitation, David Ramsey.
>D. Good, I'll look forward to it. Good bye, Argix.


HELEN and NUMBER ONE (F): [giggle]

DIANE: [scowls at OTHERS]

>N. Good bye.

NYSSA: Good riddance.

>A. I wish good lives to both of you.
>(Argix climbs into his vessel and it fades silently away.

NUMBER ONE (F): (General MacArthur) Elf vessels never die.
They just fade away.

>Dave and Nyssa are silent.

DIANE: And Rosenkrantz and Guildenstern are dead.

>Outside, the wind howls and snow abrades the windows.)

NYSSA: I was not aware that snow was abrasive.

NUMBER ONE (F): (to NYSSA) And it ignites, too, don't forget!

>N. He set this all up so he could meet us.

DIANE: Oooooh. Somebody's got a high opinion of themselves.

>D. I'd have to agree.

NUMBER ONE (F): When, in this fanfic, has anyone actually
_disagreed_ with anyone else?

>Maybe he was curious why an Earthling and a Time Lord were
>wandering together along Lake Superior.
>N. Do you know what he meant by being unchained from time?

HELEN: (Ramsey) I think it has to do with being constantly late.

>D. I think so. The mind is locked into a physical form

DIANE: (Ramsey) In my case, the form is that of a medium-sized

>which is drawn

NUMBER ONE (F): ...by R. Crumb...

>along with the time stream, but it is not really restricted to the
>ongoing present.

NYSSA: It can also exist in the stagnant present.

>Everyone can look back through memories and histories and
>forward through dreams. We are all time-travellers in that
>respect. Sometimes I can feel it even more strongly than that.

DIANE: I've got a new title for this fanfic: 'Copping a Feel of

HELEN: Sounds like a Robert Jordan porno novel!

>I can look back through my life at moments when I knew I was

NUMBER ONE (F): ...like a total prat. Like when I got a boner
in Gym class in the ninth grade.

DIANE: [snickers] Yeah, the humiliating part was that nobody
even noticed...

>forward to such a moment of looking back. I'll stop from time
>to time and look both ways --

NYSSA: A good way to avoid getting hit by a dump truck.

>to dozens of younger me's looking forward in anticipation or

DIANE: Mostly dread.

>or to older incarnations of myself looking backward with
>satisfaction or regret. I'm doing it at the moment.

HELEN: He's looking ahead and dreading that his future self is
looking back with regret over being so caught up in dreading
what he would be regretful later on for doing, that he never got
around to doing anything worth regretting.

>Those other me's are out there right now.

NUMBER ONE (F): And none of them have gotten any.

>I can see other people and their lives, too.
>N. It's hard for a Time Lord to understand

HELEN: ...Serbo-Croatian when it's spoken with a lisping stutter.

>that sort of perspective. If we're curious about the past, we go

DIANE: ...to Kentucky. They're about 80 years behind everyone

>there. I wonder which is the best way?

HELEN: Do what I do! Go _both_ ways!

> D. They're both useful.

HELEN: True. If you have a boyfriend _and_ a girlfriend, no
itch goes unscratched.

DIANE: (to HELEN) Maybe you should just use some salve...

>(They sit and watch the fire for a while. It is burning low.)

NYSSA: (flatly) Whee.

>D. We have to get back to town before the road is impassable.
>N. All right.
>(He looks at her longly.)

HELEN: I suspect that 'long' is not an appropriate word to apply
to Davey-kins in any way.

NUMBER ONE (F): (to HELEN) Ooh. That's hitting below the

>D. Excuse me if I'm being impertinent.

DIANE: Ah. Here it comes...

>(He kisses her lightly on the cheek.)

DIANE: I was right.

HELEN: Oh, please, Davey! If you're going to be impertinent,
do it _right_! Stick your hand up her shirt, or slip her some
tongue, or something.

NYSSA: Maybe it was the Kiss of Death, although I'm sure I'm
not that lucky.

NUMBER ONE (F): [glares at the screen, growling softly]

>N. What would I find impertinent about that?

NYSSA: Aside from the fact that your nose went in my ear.

>(And she kisses and hugs him in response.

DIANE: Now entering Smooch City, population 2!

NUMBER ONE (F): [glares at the screen, growling loudly]

NYSSA: I'd go thoroughly ballistic right now, but why bother?
We all knew this would happen the moment we learned it was a
self-insert fic. The predictability robs it of its anger value.

HELEN: His line actually _worked_? Hmmm... (to DIANE)
Excuse me if I'm being impertinent...

DIANE: (to HELEN, warily) Stay back. I know karate.

>This goes on for some fuzzy amount of time, but it does end.)

HELEN: (disappointed) What, no food scenes?

NUMBER ONE (F): (softly, to self) I have a new enemy...

>(Dave gets up and spreads

DIANE: Shouldn't that be, "Dave gets *it* up and *Nyssa*

NYSSA: (to DIANE) On the first date? No way! He didn't
even buy me dinner.

>out the coals in the fireplace, and then they head back to
> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NUMBER ONE (F): (singing) We got a great big convoy/Ain't
she a beautiful sight?/Con-voy...

HELEN: [whaps NUMBER ONE (F) on the head] This is your
last warning, sweetie. No country music!

>SCENE 11: The other Dave and Nyssa, in the cottage
>(It is midafternoon. Dave and Nyssa have come

DIANE: ...or rather, Dave has and Nyssa faked, but he got his,
which is all that usually matters.

>in and are warm again, sitting before the fire. Both feel a sense
>of satisfaction from just being outside walking through the
>sparkling world of white and dark.)

NYSSA: Dark snow?

NUMBER ONE (F): Sparkling dark?

HELEN: That's satisfying?

DIANE: (to OTHERS) Don't try to make sense out of it. Resis-
tance is useless.

>D. So, what DO you want to be when you grow up?


>N. You remembered!
>D. Yep.
>N. When I was young

NYSSA: ...and my heart was an open book, I used to say, "Live
and let live."

OTHERS: You know you did, you know you did, you know you

> I wanted to be a scientist and studied.

DIANE: She wanted to be studied?

HELEN: (to DIANE) You know what they say: "It's better to
be looked-over than overlooked."

>Then I went off with the Doctor and learned a lot more. It was
>very helpful for Terminus.

NUMBER ONE (F): (Nyssa) Especially the lessons in electro-
lysis. Did you know that, without his fur, the Garm looks just
like Iggy Pop?

>I think that I still want to be in

NYSSA: ...-decisive, or maybe not...

>science, but it looks different from where I'm standing now.

HELEN: (Nyssa) It's kind of greenish-purple.

>I used to see science as a series of tasks and as increasing levels
>of proficiency. Now I see it as

DIANE: ...merely something to annoy Creationists with.

>a big picture with pieces to fill in. But being a Time Lord makes
>the picture enormous. I don't really want to "do" science, but I

DIANE: ...wouldn't mind 'doing' Chow Yun-Fat. Rrrrrrowl!

>do want to use it and learn more of it in every circumstance I
>D. That makes you sort of a peripatetic scientist.

NYSSA: 'Peripatetic'? Wasn't that one of the Sixth Doctor's

DIANE: (to NYSSA) You're thinking of 'Peri-pathetic'.

>N. I like that. So what do you want to be when you grow up?

NUMBER ONE (F): (Ramsey) I dunno. Maybe a pimp, or a
heroin dealer... Possibly even a thief...

NYSSA: How about President of the USA?

NUMBER ONE (F): (Ramsey, indignantly) No way! I have
_some_ scruples!

>D. The older I get, the less I know how to answer that question.
>I used to want a specific label,

NUMBER ONE (F): (Ramsey) Johnny Walker Red, to be exact.

>but I can't do it any more. I've been in too many fields,

HELEN: ...looking for cow pats with mushrooms growing out of

>and my interests take in several very different disciplines.

HELEN: I have an interest in discipline, too. [toys with whip]

>I make a good researcher, but I can also write.

ALL: [look at each other and shrug]

NYSSA: No comment.

>If I had to give up physical science, I'd probably go into

DIANE: ...a career as a teller at a sperm bank.

>psychology or writing.
>N. You could do all of those anywhere.

NYSSA: They could probably do with having a psychologist on
Skaro. I mean, doesn't the Daleks' relationship with Davros just
scream 'Oedipus Complex'?

>D. Meaning....?
>N. You could travel with me....if you're interested....

HELEN: (Ramsey, enthusiastically) Am I interested?! Am I
interested?! (suddenly uncertain) Hey... _am_ I interested?

>D. When do we leave?
> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NUMBER ONE (F): The members of Gnats' Union Local 4376
picket outside the Annual Pesticide Manufacturers' Convention
in Sacramento...

>SCENE 12: Dave and Nyssa I in the TARDIS control room
>N. It's up to you to get us back to my own universe.

NYSSA: So, I'm pretty much screwed royally.

>D. How am I suppose to do that?
>(She leads him to a certain control panel.)

DIANE: (Nyssa) Now, wait until I get safely across the room,
then press the button marked 'Kill Operator'...

>N. These are the controls that will take us along the imaginary

HELEN: (Ramsey) What are you talking about? There are no
controls on this panel.

NYSSA: Of course not! They're _imaginary_, stupid! Sheesh!
Buy you books, send you to school...

>I don't know how to use them, but I know that you do. And
>don't ask: I don't know how I know that you know.

DIANE: ...she said knowingly.

>(Dave looks at the panel and realizes that there is something
>very familiar about its appearance.

NUMBER ONE (F): (Ramsey) Wait a minute! These are the
controls from an E-Z Bake oven!

>He fingers a toggle switch.)

HELEN: (moaning) Oooh... don't stop... You make me feel like
a _real_ toggle switch should, Davey...

>D. Are we dematerialised yet?
>(Nyssa activates a control, and the part of the rotor assembly
>which involves simple spatial dematerialisation begins to
>N. Now we are.

DIANE: And, the drama and tension continue to mount. [yawns]

>D. Cut us free from the time stream...
>(Again Nyssa toggles some switch.

HELEN: I prefer the way Davey-kins does it.

>The rest of the rotor starts to move.)
>D. All right. Now this (click)

NYSSA: He said, 'click'?

NUMBER ONE (F): (to NYSSA) [shrugs] Maybe he's speaking
Bushman or something...

>should activate the motivator for the imaginary circuits.

DIANE: (singing) Imagine all the circuits...

>(A third, hidden element of the rotor begins to oscillate.

NYSSA: Never say 'oscillate' again.

>Dave then types in some instructions into the flight computer.)

DIANE: (Ramsey, typing) Http:\\www.sluttynekkidbroads.com...

>D. I guess we're on our way.

ALL: (singing) ...to San Jose!/La-la-la-lala-la-lala-la...

>You'll have to plot the

NUMBER ONE (F): ...overthrow of the French government.

NYSSA: Not a problem. We just tell them we saw a German sol-
dier, then sieze control during the resulting chaos as their whole
government and army flees to Britain.

>rest of the course. I don't know where were going.
>N. I'm waiting for contact with the Doctor.
>D. How did I do that?
>(Nyssa doesn't know. It is a mystery which won't be solved for
>quite a while.)

NUMBER ONE (F): No mystery. It's just the miracle of authorial
prerogative, also known as the 'God-boy Syndrome'.

DIANE: Although, in all fairness, this case isn't anywhere _near_
as bad as in some of the 'Sailor Moon' self-insert fics.

NUMBER ONE (F), NYSSA, and DIANE: [wince and shiver]

HELEN: (to DIANE) Another 'otaku thing'?

DIANE: (to HELEN) An evil, evil otaku thing. 'Artemis's Lover'
alone is enough to drive whole populations to mass suicide.

> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

DIANE: It's Andy Warhol's little-known painting 'Close View
of the Zipper on Jim Morrison's Bell-Bottoms'.

>SCENE 13: Dave and Nyssa, in her TARDIS, a sitting room
>(This room has quite a bit in common with the Doctor's sitting
>room, although it lacks his collection of

HELEN: ...dirty magazines.


NUMBER ONE (F): Th-the f-fresh m-maker!

>We do note one object: a large chunk of native copper, which
>Dave has brought aboard.)

HELEN: [sighs] Davey-kins, that is _not_ what is meant by

>D. So where are we going?

NYSSA: Don't worry. I'm not heading toward Costhemor IV,
where Earthling flesh sells in the meat-market for over $500 per
pound, and where I happen to be known by name. No, we're
going somewhere else entirely... aheh heh heh... By the way,
how much do you weigh, David?

>N. At the moment we're heading toward the Doctor. We'll
>meet someplace in Orion.
>D. The Doctor. That will be an interesting meeting.
>N. I think he will be as interested in you as you are in him.
>D. Why?

DIANE: (Nyssa) He has a thing for naive young men. He says
likes to help them 'expand their horizons'.

>N. Because of the asterisk. Because this is a Type-43*

NUMBER ONE (F): (Church Lady) Well, isn't that speeeecial...

NYSSA: (Church Lady) I think we can all agree that I'm just a
liiiiittle bit superior.

DIANE: (to NYSSA) If you do the Superiority Dance, I'll have
to hurt you.

>A vessel that can travel through imagination as well as time
>and space.

HELEN: Now, wouldn't _that_ be a fun thing to have! I could
go anywhere that I can imagine... [grins lecherously]

DIANE: [glances at HELEN] I'd hope that a Type-43* is stain-
resistant, then.

NYSSA: (aside, to NUMBER ONE (F)) I think Diane's been out-
perved, and is having trouble coping.

>(The camera pans back and we see the other Dave and Nyssa
>enter the room. Neither set notices the other.

NYSSA: I and I are not on speaking terms.

>The newcomers sit in the same chairs in which the others are
>already sitting and blend into united entities.)

NUMBER ONE (F): Wasn't 'United Entities' one of the names
they used for what used to be the USSR?

>D. What just happened? I feel as though I just came

HELEN: (Nyssa) You did. Here, have a tissue.

NYSSA: (to HELEN) Eeeeww... I'd whap you for that, but you'd
_like_ it.

>into this room and sat down, but I know we've been here for
>half an hour.

NYSSA: One of the longest half-hours of my life.

>N. I felt it, too. It was as if....

DIANE: ...the earth moved.

NUMBER ONE (F): (to OTHERS) Do y'all think we're doing too
many orgasm jokes?

HELEN: [whaps NUMBER ONE (F) on the head] Sacrilege!
You must never say 'too many' and 'orgasms' in the same sen-

>Do you remember what I said a yesterday about alternative
>realities? I think that two of them have just come combined.

HELEN: They'll need a big towel...

>D. You're right. I have a new set of memories: in which I
>didn't know

DIANE: ...jack.

>about you before you showed up in my office.
>N. And you hadn't written stories about me.

NUMBER ONE (F): And we were FREE! Free of the curse of
this fanfic! [sobs dramatically] Oh, the horror!

NYSSA: [whaps NUMBER ONE (F) on the head] Enough over-

>D. We met an alien,
>N. a sprite named Argix,


HELEN: (to NYSSA) I almost wish you hadn't told us what
that word means. That has to be the most perverted thing I've
ever heard!

DIANE: [glares at OTHERS]

>D. who told us wonderful things

NUMBER ONE (F): (vacuously) ...about caring and sharing
and playing nice.

>N. about Threnodanians
>D. and about time being unchained.

HELEN: Actually, chains can be a lot of fun.

> . This is intriguing.

DIANE: The Incredible Vanishing Nyssa strikes again!

>D. I wonder what brought the two realities together?

NYSSA: Sad, isn't it? Two whole realities in this story, and not
a scrap of plot between them.

>N. We did. In both streams, we came together

HELEN: [sighs] So many orgasm puns to make, so little time...

>and crossed a boundary in our relationship.

NYSSA: We went from blah dullness to dull blahness.

>D. The fact that you and I are now together...

NUMBER ONE (F): [growls]

>N. Brought us together.
>(Cut to the background music.)

DIANE: How sweet! I feel like I've been hit in the head with a
20-pound sack of sugar.

NYSSA: And I _still_ didn't get to see the Biggest Ball of Twine
in Minnesota.

> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

HELEN: (to DIANE) Look! It's one of the boundaries of our
relationship. Let's cross it together.

DIANE: (to HELEN, coldly) Cross my boundary, and it'll mean
all-out war.

>(Is it so surprising that Nyssa would find a companion to travel
>with who would be more to her than one of the Doctor's
>companions are to him?)

NYSSA: In a self-insert fanfic? Not a damn bit surprising.

NUMBER ONE (F): (softly, to self) That's not _always_ true...

> End of Episode Five

DIANE: And not a moment too crukking soon!

[All four get up and leave the theater]


[Door sequence: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...]


[SOL bridge interior]

[DIANE, NYSSA, and HELEN are standing behind the console,
while NUMBER ONE (F) sits on the couch nearby]

HELEN: (to OTHERS) So, now what? We stand around and
wait for Adric to call again?

DIANE: (to HELEN) Pretty much. He usually checks up on us
after the fic is done, and then we're on our own until next time.

HELEN: Mmmm. So, does anybody have plans for later? If
not, I could... [eyes DIANE suggestively] ..._suggest_ some-

DIANE: (nervously) Actually, I was going to, uh... watch
'Slayers' with Number One. Yeah, that's it...

NYSSA: Umm, yes, me too.

HELEN: [pouts slightly] You're no fun.

[A light on the console begins to flash]

NYSSA: (relievedly) Oh, look! Eddie and the Cruisers are
calling! [presses light]


[Interior back room at This Time Round]

[ADRIC stands behind the console, alone. His clothes are torn,
he has a black eye, and is badly-bruised. He sways slightly on
his feet.]

ADRIC: (slightly woozy) Hello, Josie and the Pussycats. Have I
mentioned lately how glad I am that I have healing powers?



[NYSSA, NUMBER ONE (F), and HELEN are smiling sadistically,
while DIANE simply covers her eyes and shakes her head]

NYSSA: So, how did your discussion with Tegan go?



ADRIC: Miss Jovanka has elected to resign her position here,
citing irreconcilable creative differences.



NYSSA: Well, in keeping with the spirit of all the breast jokes
we've done, I'll just say, "Tough titty!"



ADRIC: Heh. Nice one. So, how was this week's fanfic?



DIANE: Let me just say that it's a good thing none of us are

NUMBER ONE (F): True. And so little was going on, I could
actually feel my neurons shutting down.

NYSSA: On the other hand, Dave's abilities were pretty tame
compared to most self-insert fanfic characters, although there
was plenty of hints about god-boy powers to come.



ADRIC: Excellent. As long as it hurt... Oww. [puts a hand to
his head] You know, Tegan's a surprisingly strong girl for her



NYSSA: I wish I cared. Is that everything?



ADRIC: I suppose. You lot can do as you please. I think I'm
going to go lie down on something. Ouch. [puts a hand to his



[NYSSA, NUMBER ONE (F), and DIANE are sitting on the
couch, while HELEN stands behind them. NUMBER ONE (F)
picks up a remote and turns the TV and VCR on.]

HELEN: (to OTHERS) Hmph. I can't believe you lot are going
to watch telly when we could be doing something fun, like strip-
tag or cookie-dough wrestling or...

[HELEN's eyes go wide and she points at the TV set]

HELEN: Who is _that_?

NUMBER ONE (F): That's Naga.

HELEN: Good Goddess what a set! And what a cool outfit! I
wish I had a spiked leather string-bikini like that!

[HELEN climbs over the back of the couch and sits down next to

HELEN: Maybe I'll just watch a bit of this with you sweeties.

DIANE: (to HELEN) Just don't try anything funny with me.

HELEN: (to DIANE) Not to worry. I assure you that anything I
try will be completely serious.



[ADRIC is staring blearily at the console, trying to find the right
button to press]

ADRIC: (to self) Damn eyes. Focus!

[After a moment, ADRIC covers his right eye with his hand and
peers intently at the console]

ADRIC: Ah. There it is... [presses button]

[As the scene goes black, ADRIC crumples to the floor]


>I can hardly be blamed for wanting to be the person from Earth
>who meets Nyssa and ends up travelling with her.

Notes - Part One

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