|
The shadowy figure gave the slightly taller shadowy figure next to her a questioning look. "Everything ready?" she asked. The taller figure nodded. "Should be. There's a chance it may not work, but if it doesn't, we can just try again next week." "Wonderful," the first shadowy figure replied, rubbing her hands together. "Soon, he will pay, oh yes!" ---- The problem, say many people, with Artificial Reality is that it is... well, _artificial_. The brain, they say, has ways of knowing whether what is going on is really real or not. Such people say that repeated use of Artificial Reality is ultimately detrimental to the user's emotional stability, as its clearly false and empty nature impinges on the psyche and causes the user to realize just how empty and bleak their real life is. Diane was not one of these people. "More wine, Miss Diane?" "Yes, thank you Doctor," she replied as the blond refilled her glass. She lay on her stomach in the warm sunshine, enjoying the warm Summer day and the feel of strong hands rubbing her back. "Let me know if I get too rough," Ryouga softly whispered as his fingers worked the knots from her back. She looked around at him, appreciating the sight of the young Japanese man's hard, muscular body, covered only by a not-very-large loincloth. He gave a nervous, fang-toothed smile at her obvious appraisal. "You're doing fine, Ryouga-kun," Diane said with a smile. "Carry on." "At once, Diane-sama." "Pardon the interruption, Miss Diane," said the Fifth Doctor as he returned to kneel at her side. "My Eighth self and a Mr. Duo Maxwell would like to know if they could brush your hair, and perhaps model some swimwear for you?" Diane waved her hand lazily. "Make it so." Who the Hell needed a real life? She zoned out a bit, luxuriating in the feel of warm idleness and firm hands on her body. Although... It felt like Ryouga's fingers were getting kind of... sharp? Like with long nails? She turned back around to see what the problem was, and found herself looking straight down a great deal of leather-covered cleavage. "Hi, darling! Nice place you've got here!" "YAAAAAAHH!! Getoffameeee!" WHAM! ---- "You needn't have been so rough, sweetie," Helen pouted from her position on the floor in the corner of the Artificial Reality chamber, a position she'd reached courtesy of a judo-throw. Diane grumpily shut off the machine and tied her robe on a little more securely. "You've got a lot of nerve, invading my privacy like that," she hissed. "Well, I had to, didn't I? Adric has called a meeting, and they sent me to fetch you out of there." "Couldn't you have just turned the machine off?" Helen laughed sultrily, causing Diane to resume her judo stance. "I could have, I suppose, but this way was _much_ more fun." ---- "Hey, Adric! Looking sharp, there!" Number One snorted. "Brown-noser." "Why thank you, Di," Adric burbled happily from the viewscreen. He gave a little turn to show off his three-piece business suit and silk tie. "Now that you lot are making me independently wealthy, I thought I could afford to splurge a little. Do you like the tie? I got it because it matches the color of my new Porsche." Nyssa made a rude noise and tossed her head haughtily. "So, that's what our pain and suffering has bought? I feel _so_ much better knowing that." Her voice carried enough sarcasm for an entire season of British TV sitcoms. "I'm glad," he said, missing it entirely. "But, I didn't call you to gloat, oh no. In fact, I think you'll be quite pleased." "Oh? Have you contracted a terminal illness?" Nyssa asked, perking up. "No." "Poopie." "Actually," Adric drawled, "I'm wondering how you'd like to not only not have to read a crappy fanfic this week, but if you'd by chance care to enjoy _this_." He held up a very large sheaf of papers. "What's that, Marshmellow?" Number One grunted. "Looks like just another fanfic." He shrugged. Adric grinned impishly. "But, it isn't. It's _the_ fanfic. It's Nicholas Leifker's 'Iris' series, complete and including the newest installment." "'Iris'? Did he say 'Iris'?" "I think that's what he said!" Nyssa and Diane looked at each other, and little hearts could all but be seen in their eyes. Forgetting their normal enmity, the two girls clasped hands and danced a delighted, squealing whirl around the room. "Wai! 'Iris'! Wai! 'China Roses' was _so_ cool!" "No, no! 'Angel' was cooler! Wai!" "No! 'Destination Unknown' was cooler! Wai! 'Iris'!" "The wedding scene was the best!" "No, Kuno's confession of love..." "No, their first date..." Helen looked curiously at the prancing, laughing girls and the rather sour-faced Number One and asked, "So, uh, what's this 'Iris', then?" Diane, still starry-eyed, gasped, "It's the greatest, sweetest, best all-around 'Ranma 1/2' fanfic series ever!" Nyssa nodded in energetic agreement. "It's about love, and friendship, and togetherness, and--" "It's a chick-fic," Number One deadpanned. Diane and Nyssa began throwing things at him. "It is _not_ just a 'chick-fic'!" "You take that back! Jerk!" Adric observed the mayhem with no small amusement. "Ahem. So, am I to take it from this little display that you might be interested in my little proposition?" "Yesyesyes!" yessed Nyssa and Diane. "Sure, why not?" agreed Helen. "Hell, no," griped Number One. The girls resumed throwing things. "Well, you see," Adric began, "I had this merchandising idea..." ---- "No. Absolutely not. Never. Nada. Nein." "Oh, come on, you big baby," Diane snapped. "Everybody else is willing to do it." "Then everybody else can do it," replied Number One, arms folded defiantly across his chest. Mulishly, he declared, "I ain't gonna." "Oh, please? Pleeeeeaaase?" Nyssa begged, trying to make cute puppy-eyes at him and not quite getting it right. Number One's features softened almost imperceptibly, but he shook his head. "No, ma'am. I ain't gonna. I'm not doing _that_, so y'all can just forget it." Helen leaned over him, tracing little circles on his chest. "If what Adric's offering isn't enough, perhaps I could... 'up the ante' a bit," she husked. Slightly dazed, he shook his head again. "I ain't gonna." Diane regarded him with a clinical glare. "So, neither logic nor pleading nor sex make any impression. I guess that just leaves us only one course of action..." "Admitting defeat?" "No. Brutality." Diane smiled evilly and held up a set of hedge clippers. "Either you agree to do this, or you'll be peeing sitting down in _both_ bodies. Comprende?" Gulp. "Well, I suppose I could do this just this one time..." "Smart boy." ---- The taller shadowy figure nodded. "It is almost time." The shorter one reached over and turned on the TV. "Now, we just wait for our moment..." ---- BKWillis presents... TO DIE FOR: MYSTERY PSYCHO THEATER 3000 [cue Theme Song] o/~ In the not-too-distant future Not too far from This Time Round There was a girl named Nyssa whose Sanity was not-quite-sound. She and some others used to fuss and fight And destroy the pub almost every night. So the staff and patrons of that place Used Borusa's Time-Scoop to stick them up in spaaaaace... (Nyssa, shouting:) "You'll regret this!!" (Adric, singing:) "We'll send them crappy fiction The worst we can find. (la-la-laaa) They'll have to sit and read them all To drive the violence from their minds." (la-la-laaa) Now keep in mind only Adric controls When the session begins or is through As he tries to force some sense into This completely unhinged crew. PSYCHO ROLL CALL! NYSSA! ("Don't make me hurt you.") HELEN! ("In the flesh!") NUMBER ONE! ("Got a problem with that?") DIAAAAANE! ("I'm nice! Really!") If you're wondering how they eat and breathe And other science facts, Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a 'fic. I should really just relax." 'Cause it's Mystery Psycho Theater 3000! (bwang) o/~ ---- [Interior bridge of the Satellite of Love] [The bridge is covered with various types of photographers' equip- ment, including lights, backdrops, etc. No one is in sight, but the cast's voices can be heard from off-screen.] NUMBER ONE (Female): (off-screen) I can't believe I actually did that. DIANE: (off-screen) Will you just hush? You did it, I did it, we all did it, and now we get rewarded for it. HELEN: (off-screen) I thought it was fun! NYSSA: (off-screen) Harry certainly seemed to enjoy it. [The cast enters from the right. They are: NYSSA (a petite and very beautiful teenaged brunette dressed in an extremely skimpy nurse's uniform); DIANE (a pretty blonde wearing very tiny cutoff shorts and a halter top); HELEN (a tall, well-built woman with long auburn hair and dressed in a revealing French maid's outfit); and NUMBER ONE (F) (a very short, voluptuous redhead wearing a bikini-bottom and a half-shirt with the words 'Dangerous Curves' on it). NUMBER ONE (F) looks embarrassed.] NUMBER ONE (F): I'm never gonna live this down. DIANE: Not with that many photographs, you won't. NYSSA: _I_ find it very ironic, personally. One likes to ogle sexy girls, and now she gets to see what it's like to be on the other end of that. NUMBER ONE (F): [perks up] (to NYSSA) Are you saying you think I'm sexy? NYSSA: [rolls eyes] HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Cheer up, dear heart. You know what they say: Better to be looked-over than overlooked. [A light on the console begins to flash.] DIANE: Ah. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup are calling. [presses light] ---- [Interior back room at This Time Round] [The room is filled with a mixture of electronic command-and- control equipment, computers, and pub supplies. Behind the control console stand ADRIC (a black-haired teenager in an expensive tailored suit) and HARRY (a handsome thirtyish man with curly hair, wearing a barman's apron). HARRY has a camera around his neck and an armload of photography supplies and equipment. BOTH are smiling, but HARRY seems a bit woozy.] ADRIC: Greetings, Sailor Scouts! Did you have fun smiling for the camera? HARRY: (softly) I feel a bit faint, Old Fellow... ---- [SOL] HELEN: [shrugs] No big deal. I'd have been willing to do some more 'action-oriented' shots, but Harry was looking a bit frazzled there toward the end. ---- [TTR] HARRY: (softly) Oh, dear. [nose starts bleeding slightly] ADRIC: That's quite all right, ladies. And Number One. We need 'provocative' photos for the 'MPT3k Adric's Grrlz Calendar', not outright pornography. HARRY: (softly) Blood... leaving brain... gak... ADRIC: Soon, drooling fanboys across the world will be forking over their hard-begged-for cash for the chance to salivate over you four. You could be the next Pia Zadoras! ---- [SOL] NUMBER ONE (F): [covers face] Oh my God... DIANE: [elbows NUMBER ONE (F)] Oh, suck it up. You know the deal. At least this way, we get something out of it. If we hadn't agreed, Adric would've just snuck some pictures of us in the shower or something, and we wouldn't even get a good fanfic out of it. ---- [TTR] ADRIC: Well, I had a trump card, too. If you hadn't agreed, I'd have sent you some Yoda/JarJar slash stories I found the other day. ---- [SOL] [ALL look a bit green.] NYSSA: I don't know what's worse, that we almost had to read it, or that someone actually wrote it. ---- [TTR] [FRANCOIS the Ogron (a huge, brutish-looking humanoid) enters from the left, carrying an armload of film-developing chemicals. As he sees the screen, his eyes get very wide and he trips over a box, falling to the floor.] ADRIC: (to FRANCOIS) Are you all right? FRANCOIS: (from floor) Not problem. Francois just distracted. Heh heh. [FRANCOIS climbs to his feet and joins the others at the screen.] ADRIC: (to FRANCOIS) What is that on your face? FRANCOIS: Eh? ADRIC: It's not-- Good Lord! You're blushing! FRANCOIS: (to ADRIC) Francois not! Is just, uh, from hitting floor, is all! Is bruise! HARRY: [nose trickling blood] (softly) A shower. A shower would be good... ADRIC: (to FRANCOIS) I can't believe you two are so worked up over the sight of a little female flesh! What's the big deal? FRANCOIS: (to ADRIC) Boss-boy ever seeing Ogron girls? ADRIC: Uh, no. FRANCOIS: Boss-boy luckier than Francois, then. [shudders] ---- [SOL] NUMBER ONE (F): Ick. I'm being visually molested by Mighty Joe Young's uglier brother. Ain't this sexual harrassment, or something? HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) No, this is just loutishness. Sexual harrassment is more like this... [pinches NYSSA on the butt] NYSSA: HEY! Keep your hands to yourself! [punches at HELEN, but misses] DIANE: (to OTHERS) Settle down. It's almost 'Iris' time! ---- [TTR] ADRIC: Well, anyway, I promised you 'Iris', so that's what we'll send. Take your time, this won't be like a regular session, although we'll still film it for archival purposes. (to HARRY) Send them-- Never mind, he's pretty out of it. HARRY: [smiling and wobbling a little] (softly) Pretty maids all in a row... Shower. Definitely shower... ADRIC: (to FRANCOIS) Send them the good fanfic, TV's Francois! FRANCOIS: Roger wilco! [FRANCOIS reaches for a large and conspicuous button on the console, but before he can reach it, the screen dissolves into static.] ---- [Interior, nondescript room] [The room's walls have been covered with sheets to prevent possible identification. Some complex-looking electronic devices are in the foreground, while in the back is a large banner that reads, 'TEGAN WORLD ORDER HEADQUARTERS'. Behind the control console stand TEGAN (a pretty, short-haired woman in a black trenchcoat) and VARNE (a tall, attractive redhead wearing an identical black trenchcoat). BOTH scowl darkly.] TEGAN: Well, well, well. It would seem that Adric's program just got pre-empted. [laughs] Sucks to be him, I'd say. ---- [SOL] NYSSA: Tegan!? What the Hell are you doing? ---- [TWO HQ] TEGAN: What does it look like? We're using pirate broadcast equipment to override Adric's signal and take over this operation. VARNE: And none too soon, judging by your wardrobe change. TEGAN: Indeed. Things aren't going to be like they have been, let me tell you! ---- [SOL] NYSSA: (hopefully) You're going to get us down from here? Or at least me? OTHERS: Hey! ---- [TWO HQ] TEGAN: Not yet, Nys. If you will recall, the original purpose of this whole operation was to help cure your insanity. Adric lost sight of that goal in the pursuit of profit, but not I! Through direct feminist guerrilla action, I intend to return this program to its intended purpose, to cure you of your madness, to demonstrate the superiority of the female mind, to put an end to the capitalistic pandering, and to utterly ruin that little wanker Adric! ---- [SOL] NYSSA: And split the occasional infinitive, as well. So, if I'm understanding you correctly, not only are you not going to let us go, but you also intend to send us bad fanfics just like Adric does? ---- [TWO HQ] TEGAN: Exactly! ---- [SOL] NYSSA: I see. [pause] Bitch. DIANE: (upset) Does this mean no 'Iris'? ---- [TWO HQ] TEGAN: Reading that fanfic would serve no purpose. Instead, we have something far more... 'therapeutic' for you. It's a work you should be well acquainted with by now... ---- [SOL] ALL: [look horrified] DIANE: Please, God, not... ---- [TWO HQ] TEGAN: I'm talking about David E. Woon's 'Stories of Nyssa', of course. ---- [SOL] ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! ---- [TWO HQ] TEGAN: And, I must admit, this one sinks to the very deepest, darkest depths of anorakdom. The madness will gibber and scream and beg to be let out of your minds! I give you, 'Punting on the Stream of Time'! (to VARNE) Send them the fanfic, Varne! [Chuckling evilly, VARNE presses a large and conspicuous button on the console.] ---- [SOL] [Various alarms, lights, and sirens go off as general chaos ensues.] ALL: Aaaaah! We've got pirate-broadcast fanfic sign! [ALL run off.] ---- [Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] ---- [SOL, Theater interior] [The four enter the theater from a door on the right, all carrying popcorn, snacks, and drinks. NYSSA takes the aisle seat, with NUMBER ONE (F) on her left, HELEN on the other side of her, and DIANE to HELEN's left.] HELEN: (to NYSSA) That's some friend you've got there. NYSSA: Indeed. I can't wait to show her my 'special' brand of affection. [laughs ominously] [A screen in front of the four lights up and words begin to appear on it.] >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > DIANE: (singing) We're on the hiiiighway to Hell... NYSSA: Literally. >This is the SIXTH episode in a series. Please address >comments or requests for further information or the previous >episodes to: HELEN: tdetorquemada@deephurting.org DIANE: Torquemada? I didn't expect him. NYSSA and NUMBER ONE (F): (shouting) _Nobody_ expects the Spanish Inquisitor! > ng436@pnlg.pnl.gov (or) ng436@traken.pnl.gov NUMBER ONE (F): One more point for anarchism. > -- David E. Woon -- Molecular Science Research Center -- >PNL -- DIANE: Purely Neurotic Literature? NYSSA: Praising Nyssa's Loveliness? HELEN: Pre-Natal Lactation? NUMBER ONE (F): Presbyterian Neurasthenic Lesbians? > > -- Alumnus of Michigan Tech University -- DIANE: Isn't Sally Struthers their spokesman? NUMBER ONE (F): (whiny Sally Struthers) Earn your degree by mail in the exciting fields of Medical Transcriptionist, VCR Repair, or Molecular Science... >------------------------------------------------------------------------ NYSSA: (Muammar Qadaffi) This shall be the Line of Death. > > PUNTING ON THE STREAM OF TIME NUMBER ONE (F): ...even though it's only second down and five. HELEN: I like the word 'punt'! Punt punt punt punt punt! Just something about that sound... DIANE: [eases away from HELEN] > > by David E. Woon > >BACKGROUND: DIANE: 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...' NYSSA: 'In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit...' NUMBER ONE (F): 'Call me Ishmael...' HELEN: 'Ken, 23, is a Mounted Policeman with a difference...' > >In the previous story we met the character of David Ramsey. >It is necessary to review his background he is going to be >travelling with Nyssa. NYSSA: Translation: let's hear about the guy who'll be taking over Nyssa's life and reducing her to a mere appendage of his super-cool self. DIANE: (to NYSSA) Not that you're bitter, right? NYSSA: I just know how the 'author-insert' deal generally works... NUMBER ONE (F): [coughs and looks away] > >He holds a doctorate in physics from a small midwestern >school, NUMBER ONE (F): ...Springfield Clown College. >Michigan Technological University, NUMBER ONE (F): [shrugs] Same difference. >which is located in the Upper Peninsula of that state. HELEN: I like the word 'peninsula', too! Peninsulas and punts! Punts and peninsulas! >The school is found in the town of Houghton, in the middle HELEN: ...Ages. DIANE: ...class. NYSSA: ...of nowhere. NUMBER ONE (F): ...of a soccer riot. >of another peninsula, ALL: D'oh! >known as the Keweenaw. David has roots there which go >deeper HELEN: All this talk of punts and peninsulas and 'deep roots' is starting to get me a bit... flustered. [stares smokily at DIANE] DIANE: (to HELEN, nervously) Don't look at me like that. HELEN: Like what? DIANE: Like I'm between two slices of bread. HELEN: [chuckles] >than his eleven years of residence; his grandfather and family >had lived in the area in the 30's and built a cottage on the >southern shore of Lake Superior. NYSSA: ...and just a few miles from Lake Basically Adequate. DIANE: Just east of Lake Woebegone. NUMBER ONE (F): (to DIANE, growling) Start quoting Garrison Keillor, and I'll have to hurt you, girlie. > >Nyssa was drawn into meeting Dave by a strange coincidence: NUMBER ONE (F): Namely, that Abraham Lincoln and John Kennedy both had Vice-Presidents named Johnson. Freaky, huh? >he had written a group of stories about her which were fairly >accurate. DIANE: He wrote 'Red Shoe Diaries'? >To him, she and all of the Doctor Who universe were fiction, at >least until she walked out of her TARDIS and into his office HELEN: ...and across his back with four-inch stiletto heels. >one evening. Later on, their time stream converged together NYSSA: As opposed to converging apart. >with another one in which the Doctor's universe was completely >real. In this alternative reality a slightly different Nyssa and >Dave had met each other and had then proceeded to HELEN: ...get funky like monkeys until the wee hours of the morning. DIANE: [smacks forehead] _Bad_ mental picture. NYSSA: (to DIANE, indignantly) At least I _could_, dear. DIANE: (to NYSSA) I could, too! HELEN: (to DIANE) I volunteer to help you prove it! DIANE: Uh, never mind... >encounter an intriguing alien who called himself a sprite and >claimed to be a scout for the peaceful race known as the >Threnodanians. NUMBER ONE (F): Little did they know, he was actually a scout for a group of evil lawn gnomes. >The two time streams merged into one complete stream, NUMBER ONE (F): But by then, the toilet seat was already soaked. >and it is soon to sweep Nyssa and Dave into new adventures, >whether they desire it or not. > >Dave and Nyssa have found a common bond growing between >them. HELEN: Specifically, the bond of nookie. DIANE: [chuckles] Talk about your low-interest bonds. >This new series of stories explores a different form of >companionship that has rarely been seen in the television >series, NYSSA: As long as I don't end up having to dress up as Little Bo Peep, or some such. >but one which, it is hoped, has a certain potential for new >perspectives and motivations. NYSSA: My experience has been that you humans only have three basic motivations: greed, lust, and stupidity. DIANE: (to NYSSA, angrily) Hey! That's not... not... [looks at HELEN and NUMBER ONE (F)] ...not _entirely_ true... _every_ time... errr... NYSSA: [smirks] (to DIANE) Very good. Care to demonstrate greed and lust now? > >One final bit of detail: this encounter with David Ramsey has >led both Nyssa and Dave to the realization that NUMBER ONE (F): ...they are gay. DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) We've already got more than enough homoeroticism around here, thank you. [jerks thumb at HELEN] HELEN: (to DIANE, purring) At least you're noticing... DIANE: [looks ill] >Nyssa's TARDIS must surely be capable of more than motion >through space and time. NYSSA: (announcer) It also slices, dices, and makes julienne fries! >As a Type-60* TARDIS, NUMBER ONE (F): Hold on! It was a Type 43* in the last story. What gives? HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) You paid _that much_ attention? [giggles] Fanboy! Fanboy! NUMBER ONE (F): [turns red and splutters incoherently] HELEN, DIANE, and NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE (F), sing- song) Fanboy, fanboy! What ya gonna do? What ya gonna do when they come for you? >it is also able to travel down paths which lead into the realms >of the imagination. DIANE: (Rod Serling) ...a dimension not only of sight and sound, but of silliness. There's the signpost up ahead. Your next stop, the Fanwank Zone! >They are now proceeding toward a rendezvous with the Doctor, >an event both he and David are looking forward to with >anticipation. HELEN: (Tim Curry) I see you shiver with antici-- [long pause] --pation! NYSSA: [giggles] The Frankenfurter Doctor, with companions Brad and Janet. DIANE: (grumpily) Just what we need. Another ambivallently- gendered goofball. NUMBER ONE (F): [makes rude gestures at DIANE] > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > NUMBER ONE (F): Nice furrow, but contour plowing wouldn't erode as quickly. >SCENE 1: The Amalgam pub > >(The Doctor's Amalgam sits alone. The Master's Amalgam >will not be coming in anymore, and he is mourning the loss of >his friend.) DIANE: So, the Mini-Master kicked the bucket in a previous episode? Cool! NYSSA: (enthusiatically) Hooray for character mortality! Go, Death, go! HELEN: (singing) Another one bites the dust... NUMBER ONE (F): (to OTHERS) You three are awful. [grins] I like that. > >(An unknown Amalgam enters with Nyssa's. He is tall, and >although it is not overtly apparent, NUMBER ONE (F): ...he is wearing leather undergarments. HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE (F), puzzled) So? Doesn't everyone? >every subtlety we see in him reflects an immense sense of >antiquity.) DIANE: Like the casual way he shoves along his walker and the subtly archaic way he says things like, (old codger voice) 'Beer, is it? In _my_ day, we didn't have that fancy-schmancy stuff! We had to drink weasel urine! Straight from the weasel! And we were _glad_ to get it!' > >(They sit down at the same inglenook HELEN: (purring) I like the sound of that word, too. (to DIANE) Could I interest you in a bit of inglenook? DIANE: (to HELEN) Huh? What is that? HELEN: [smiles cat-like] (to DIANE) Well, see, I'm _English_, so there's the 'ingle', and the 'nook'... DIANE: [sighs] I should've known. (to HELEN) What part of 'Hell no. I'm straight. Leave me alone.' don't you understand? HELEN: (Darth Vader) You deny your feelings, but search your heart, and you will find them to be true. DIANE: [rolls eyes] NYSSA: (aside, to NUMBER ONE (F)) I don't think it really means that... >in which the Doctor's Amalgam is sitting in and staring from.) NYSSA: ('Jeopardy' contestant) I'll take 'Misconstructed Prep- ositional Phrases' for $300, Alex! > >R. We have come to be with you. ALL: (singing) I'm the one who wants to/Be with you... > >(He puts his large reassuring hand on the shoulder of Doctor's >Amalgam, NUMBER ONE (F): I swear that sounds like the name of a race horse. >who focuses enough to recognize his company.) > >D. The Amalgams of Rassilon and Nyssa... Thank you for >coming. HELEN: Thank you for swallowing. OWW! [DIANE whaps HELEN on the head, while NYSSA bounces an empty cup off her temple and NUMBER ONE (F) tries not to look approving.] > >R. The Master's Amalgam has done what none of us have ever >needed to do before, to give up his own existence in the interest >of the one he served. He deserves our grief. NYSSA: I know we'd gladly give him quite a bit. > >D. The Master will not consider this in his best interest. > >R. Nor will he realize how large a loss it is to us, and to the >Time Lords, to lose his memories. DIANE: He was the only one who knew all the cheat codes to 'Resident Evil'. > >N. Aren't his experiences all safe in the Matrix? > >R. Only the externals. The lifelong memories of his >knowledge, perspectives and motivations and how they >interrelated with those of other people, all that is gone. In spite >of his twistedness, it is still a great loss. NUMBER ONE (F): (brusquely) Yeah, yeah. 'Ding-dong, the Witch is dead,' and all that. He's maggot-pie. Deal with it. > >(As the scene progresses, the Doctor's Amalgam loses his >despondency. Like the Doctor himself, conversation helps >allow the emotions to subside.) NYSSA: Or, also like the Doctor himself, it could be those eleven Tequila Butt-Busters he's chugged down. > >D. An Earthling would say, what good is a photograph if you >don't know the story behind it? DIANE: But, we also say that, 'A picture is worth a thousand words.' NYSSA: (sarcastically) More pearls of wisdom from the planet that gave us pet rocks, dialectical materialism, and Britney Spears. >N. I think I understand, sort of. (She wants to change the >subject.) NYSSA: Yes, in fact I do. >Are you aware that Nyssa has picked up a companion? NYSSA: [winces] Though not to _that_. > >D. No, I hadn't heard. > >R. This is no simple companion. HELEN: I don't know... From what I've seen, he seems pretty simple. > >N. I'm sorry, I'm still new to the application of connotations. I >know the theory quite well, but it is harder to make out DIANE: ...in the back of a '74 Maverick than it looks. NYSSA: (to DIANE) You'd know, I suppose. DIANE: (to NYSSA) Whereas _you_ would only know the _theory_. HELEN: (gleefully) Catfight! Catfight! >the distinctions than I though it would be. > >D. You mean that this companion is more than a companion? NUMBER ONE (F): (Nyssa's Amalgam) Indeed. He's also an _associate_. > >N. There is already strong affection between them. > >R. It could lead to an interesting situation. HELEN: Only if they break out the chains, whipped cream, and a schnauzer. > >D. I can think of several possible ramifications. None of which >Rassilon exactly planned for. NYSSA: (Doctor's Amalgam) For instance, evil penguins might conquer Saskatchewan and institute compulsory Buck-Dancing. Rassilon never went into much detail about what to do if _that_ happened... > >R. It is even more complex than you know. > >D. How so? > >R. This individual has crossed the imaginary plane. DIANE: (Herve Villechaize) Boss! De plane! De plane! NUMBER ONE (F): 'Imaginary plane'... Didn't Wonder Woman have something like that? > >D. Oh, my. NYSSA: (announcer) The part of 'the Doctor's Amalgam' will now be played by Miss Kasumi Tendou. >We thought that was impossible. HELEN: (sultrily) I've had spectators say that before. [laughs softly] Little do they know, I'm double-jointed... > >R. We should have known better. After all, where are we? DIANE: _That_ drunk, already? Sad. > >D. The best theory I've heard is that this place is derived from >us much in the same way as we are derived from the Time >Lords. NYSSA: (Nyssa's Amalgam) Ah, yes. Are you referring to the 'Stork Theory' or the 'Cabbage Patch Hypothesis'? >It's your theory, in fact. > >R. But I've come to question it lately, or actually, to extend it. NUMBER ONE (F): (Rassilon's Amalgam) Later, I plan on folding, trimming, and shoving it. >I think that in being derived from ourselves it is founded just >over the edge of imagination. After all, we are not as real as >we appear. DIANE: Now _there's_ some fodder for another 'Can there be less than nothing?' debate. > >D. Perhaps you are right. > >R. Perhaps. But this person... > >N. His name is David Ramsey. NUMBER ONE (F): (Ray J. Johnson) But you can call him 'Dave'. Or you can call him 'David'. Or you can call him 'DR'. Or you can-- DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F), interrupting) Shut up, _now_, or I really will murder you in your sleep. NUMBER ONE (F): Urk... > >R. This person has come from a place which no one in our >universe had conceived of, NUMBER ONE (F): A MENSA chapter in Arkansas? >a place to which we had existed only as fiction. > >D. Does that mean that our universe is derived from theirs? >That we were imaginary all along? HELEN: What have they been smoking, and did they leave any for me? > >R. That does not appear to be true. Both universes coexist as >alternative realities; there was, in fact, another David Ramsey >in our own universe. > >N. But a different Nyssa met each of them. Where did the >second Nyssa come from? DIANE: Well, when a mommy Nyssa and a daddy Nyssa love each other _very_ much, they get certain urges... HELEN: (to DIANE) Even by my standards, that is one _weird_ mental picture. NUMBER ONE (F): (slightly dazed) And yet, strangely compelling... [drools] [NYSSA, looking annoyed, gets up and walks behind the seats, where she whaps each of the OTHERS on the head, one by one, then silently sits back down.] > >D. Are there two of each of them? DIANE: (Rassilon's Amalgam) No, there's six. We got the Economy Pack. > >R. Not any more. NUMBER ONE (F): (Rassilon's Amalgam) Not since their TARDIS landed at Camp Crystal Lake... >Their individual time streams converged. A mysterious second >Nyssa... > >N. Who had the same memories as mine... DIANE: [takes a deep breath] NUMBER ONE (F): (hurriedly) I call no singing 'The Way We Were'. DIANE: [sighs and closes her mouth] > >R. Jumped from someplace and met Ramsey. The time >streams combined, and they are now in our universe. > >N. The second Nyssa had a TARDIS which is not like any >from our universe. NUMBER ONE (F): (ghetto kid) Dat ho' done laid on de curb- feelers and some gold fender-skirts. Dat TARDIS be pimpin' like a Coupe deVille! >It was already capable of travelling along the imaginary axis. HELEN: Wasn't that the alliance that Germany made with Narnia and Hyboria? NUMBER ONE (F): (to HELEN) Even imaginary, they were still more useful allies than the Italians. > >D. That explains how she crossed the imaginary plane the first >time, but it tells us nothing about where she came from. NYSSA: (Conehead) I come from France. > >N. She had most of the same memories. I felt myself HELEN: I do that, sometimes. The secret is to use your left hand, so it feels like someone else. NYSSA: (to HELEN) Let me introduce you to a new concept. It's called 'Too Much Information'... >pass through an abruptness when the streams converged. > >R. What was different? DIANE: (Nyssa's Amalgam) In the other reality, they still haven't figured out that Al Gore is an Auton, in spite of all the clues. > >N. Recent events, mostly. She was aware that her TARDIS >could travel into imagination, but she didn't know how to use it. >Somehow, the TARDIS itself chose to seek out David Ramsey. NYSSA: And I'm still trying to fix _that_ operating bug. > >R. You should know everything that TARDIS knew. > >N. There was a moment after the convergence when the two >knowledges were intermeshing, and I think some of each was >lost or misplaced. > >D. Hopefully, you will be able to find it again. DIANE: It'll be in the very last place you look. Don't you just hate losing stuff? > >R. This is all very remarkable. I wonder what will come of it. > >(A very perceptive observation from the Amalgam of Rassilon. >I wonder, too.) NYSSA: I don't! NUMBER ONE (F): Me, neither! DIANE: Nor me! HELEN: Too bad this isn't a democracy... > > > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > NUMBER ONE (F): (tour guide) And here we have a fresh shipment of hyphens, all ready to be loaded and shipped away for use in feminists' surnames. >SCENE 2: Nyssa and Dave, Nyssa's TARDIS, en route to >Orion HELEN: (humming) Hm-hm da da dada da, dada da hm-hm da da... NYSSA: (to HELEN) What _are_ you doing? HELEN: (to NYSSA) I'm singing Metallica's 'Orion', only it's an instrumental, so... > >(What we have here NUMBER ONE (F): (chain-gang boss) ...is a failure to communicate. >are two people who have some things in common and have >been brought together by uncommon circumstances. DIANE: For 'uncommon circumstances', read 'Deus ex machina'. >Although they each have an honest interest in each other, the >relationship is still young. HELEN: Just the way Woodie Allen likes them. >They have very different backgrounds: Nyssa is a citizen of the >galaxy and has seen some of the universe's nastier aspects, NYSSA: (solemnly) I have, indeed. I have seen souls consumed by madness and depravity. I have seen tremendous evil wrought by the lust for power. I have seen virtue trampled and justice spat upon. I have-- NUMBER ONE (F): (to NYSSA, interrupting) You've been watching Congressional proceedings on TV again, haven't you? NYSSA: [nods] As far as loathesome, slimy foulness goes, Cthulhu has got _nothing_ on your Congressman Bonior. [shivers] >while Dave is a provincial who knows more about the failings >of his own people that those of the cosmos. NYSSA: (snottily) Now, _there's_ a hole with no bottom! >One big point in their favor is that neither have had HELEN: ...sex before at all, so it doesn't matter if they aren't any good. >the deeper sort of relationship which theirs promises to become, >and both want it to succeed.) DIANE: And remember, kids: nothing sucks seeds like a parakeet with no beak! > >(The previous storyline also provided some details about the >difference between Dave and Nyssa's respective time senses. >Nyssa, as a Time Lord, tends to see time from outside as a >semi-detached observer. NUMBER ONE (F): ...or a fully-detached Bobo. NYSSA: [whaps NUMBER ONE (F) on the head] I think we're already chewing on Best Brains's copyright more than enough, without that kind of thing. >Dave, HELEN: (HAL) What are you doing, Dave? >on the other hand, has seen time only from the inside, but has >the means to glimpse through its depths without actually >having to travel any distance. DIANE: So, he can remember past stuff and guess about future stuff. Whee. >He sees history as a sweeping whole, while she sees it as a >series of events.) > >(We start in a corrider of the TARDIS. She opens a door to a >room; NYSSA: This is the lavatory. If you leave the seat up, I'm marooning your butt on Skaro. Understood? >we note that he has a box of assorted items which he has >brought with him.) NUMBER ONE (F): Rubber sheets; a 'Space: 1999' lunchbox; his lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel; and a bottle of 'High Karate', just in case. > >N. Here is a room which you may use. I'm sorry that it hasn't >much character, NYSSA: ...but neither do you, so it should be perfect. >but I haven't had much of chance yet to collect odds and ends. > >D. It'll be fine. I have a few things which I can use to personalize >it. HELEN: (Dave) Let me just mark my territory, here... [makes unzipping motions] > >N. My room is at the end of the corridor. NYSSA: Don't let me catch you there. >I'll show you some of the other rooms. > >(He leaves the box on the floor and follows her.) > > > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIANE: (indignantly) Who tracked dirt all over my nice, clean fanfic? NYSSA: (to DIANE) Metaphorically, we all have. > >SCENE 3: the world of Beta Orionsis 5 > NYSSA: Must be another GEP. HELEN: (to NYSSA) 'GEP'? NYSSA: Generic Earthlike Planet. As seen frequently in most TV science fiction. Not terribly original, but saves a bundle on special effects and scenery. >(The Doctor has already arrived on this pleasant world. He has >been wandering barefoot along the beach and is now throwing >stones. NUMBER ONE (F): Beta Orionsis 5 is having a really mellow Intifada. >Sometimes to skip them, sometimes just to throw them, but >ocassionally to floommph them ALL: 'Floommph'? [NYSSA pulls a huge Dictionary from under her seat and begins paging quickly through it.] HELEN: What in Niflheim does 'floommph' mean? It sounds kind of perverted, but even _I_ wouldn't do it with a rock. NYSSA: It's not in the 'Webster's Unabridged New Revised Collegiate Jumbo-Sized Super-Duper Deluxe Dictionary'. [shrugs] >[more on this later]). NUMBER ONE (F): (drily) I don't doubt it a bit. > >(Nyssa's TARDIS materialises close at hand and its occupants >emerge.) NYSSA: [powerposes] To protect the world from devastation! NUMBER ONE (F): (Dave) [powerposes] To unite all people within our nation! NYSSA: To denounce the evils of fun and action! NUMBER ONE (F): (Dave) To extend our reach all across fan- fiction! NYSSA: Nyssa! NUMBER ONE (F): (Dave) Dave! NYSSA: Team TARDIS blasts off at the speed of light! NUMBER ONE (F): (Dave) Surrender now or prepare to fight! DIANE: (Meowth) Meowth! That's right! HELEN: (to OTHERS) I'm not even going to _ask_... > >(Now I've got to find a letter to use for David Ramsey. D is out, >so I'll use R [Ramsey and Rassilon will never appear together in >the same scene {oh, yeah?}].) NYSSA: (bleakly) Oh, no... DIANE: (bleakly) Oh, Lord... NUMBER ONE (F): (bleakly) Oh, crap... HELEN: The 'Parenthetical-Aside from Hell'... [shivers] > >N. Hello, Doctor! > >D. Hello, Nyssa. DIANE: (singing) Greetings from Camp/Hiawissa... > >N. This is Dr. David Ramsey, though he doesn't like using the >"Dr."; NYSSA: He prefers to be called 'Lord Admiral of the Potato People'. >he claims that he keeps forgetting that he's earned his Ph.D. > >D. Pleased to meet you, sir. DIANE: (Doctor) So, have you nailed her yet? > >R. And I'm quite glad to meet you, Doctor, after all I've seen >and heard of you. > >D. Nyssa told me a few brief things in her communique, and I >must admit that I am quite intrigued. To come from another >reality into this one! You're going to have a hard time >explaining this. NUMBER ONE (F): He sounds like the 'Ward Cleaver Doctor'. DIANE: (Barbara Billingsley) Doctor, Beaver has become an agent of the Black Guardian again. NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor, as Hugh Beaumont) I'll have a talk with him, dear. ALL: [hum the 'Leave it to Beaver' theme song] > >R. Ummmm... NYSSA: For crying out loud, can't you wait and do your medi- tation later? > >N. Doctor, he doesn't know how it happened. It looks like it >was more my fault. HELEN: (Nyssa) He just sort of fell on top of me, and if I had kept my knees together... NYSSA: [whaps HELEN on the head] > >D. But you claimed to have to have no idea how you ended up >with a different kind of TARDIS. NYSSA: That's right. I just _had_ to have no idea. I couldn't go even one more day without having no idea. > >N. It's a mystery to me. DIANE: (Velma) Jinkies! A mystery! > >R. I'd been thinking about this new variation on a TARDIS, so >I wasn't completely surprised that Nyssa's was so equipped. > >D. But TARDIS's aren't real in your universe at all. NUMBER ONE (F): [shrugs] Neither is Madonna's acting ability, but that doesn't stop people from talking about it. > >R. Maybe that's why the one I encountered came with >something extra. > >D. No, I think we will find that cause and effect are lurking >behind this somewhere. DIANE: They're out there, they just don't post very often. HELEN: (to DIANE) You're so cute when you make computer geek puns. > >N. Maybe we can use this TARDIS to find out more about its >own origins. What were you doing before we arrived? > >D. Just strolling about, throwing a few stones. NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) 'Cause, you know, I don't live in a glass house, or anything... > >(He picks one up and throws it so that it is spinning very fast in >a plane perpendicular to the calm water. When it hits the >surface, it floommphs rather than splashes. DIANE: Cool. Zen tedium. >Dave is overjoyed to discover he has something so trivial in >common with the Doctor.) > HELEN: Dave needs to get out more. >R. You floommph rocks! NYSSA: (Doctor, insulted) Oh, yeah?! Well, you molest poodles! > >D. Hmmm? Oh, the sound. A nice bit of physics. > >R. It reminds me of the sound a good diver makes HELEN: You mean _this_? [makes various slurping noises] DIANE: (to HELEN) I would pay _so_ much money to have you spayed. >when he makes a rip entry through the surface. NYSSA: (brightly) I did that to Adric's abdomen one time, with a gardening trowel! It was cool, until his spleen squirted on my frock and got the hem all sticky. > >(He throws a stone that also floommphs.) > >R. I find that it works with both overhand and underhand >throws. > >(He does whichever he and the Doctor didn't do above.) DIANE: You know, as I sit here, trapped in orbit, alongside a bloodthirsty psycho, a redneck hermaphrodite, and Bimbo the Bondage Clown, watching some fanboy talk about rock-throwing techniques, I suddenly realize something... (shouting) MY LIFE SUCKS! [starts crying] This is Hell! This is punishment for my sins in a past life! I'm at rock-bottom! WAAAAH! HELEN: (to DIANE, soothingly) There, there... DIANE: [cries harder] WAAAAAHH! NYSSA: (to DIANE, sternly) Pull yourself together, woman! No matter how bad you think you may have it, there are always people who have it worse. So, straighten up and be a _woman_, dammit. DIANE: (to NYSSA) Worse?! Who could have it worse? NYSSA: (to DIANE) Me, for instance. I am not only stuck in the same situation, but I'm in it with _you_. At least you have the advantage of better company. NUMBER ONE (F): (to NYSSA) Er, I don't really think that's going to help... (to DIANE) Look, I'll tell you how it could be worse. Just imagine: you're a poor Somali farmer. What little food you've been able to grow has been stolen by a gang of thugs. Your family are all desperately sick. You try to walk to the nearest UN aid station, but you are hit by a truck and break both your legs. You drag yourself pitifully down the road, baking in the sun and desperate for water. Suddenly, a pack of wild dogs notices you and they all rush over to eat you alive. Then, just before the lead dog rips your guts out, he looks up at you and says, 'By the way, before we eat you, how about you read this fanfic we wrote?' _That_ would be worse. DIANE: [sniffles] (to NUMBER ONE (F)) I guess you're right. Although, if you hadn't said the bit about getting hit by a truck, I'd still have to argue the point... > >D. I never tried that variation. HELEN: (Doctor) I didn't think the bed could handle the weight of an entire hockey team in full kit. > >(But he promptly does.) > >(Nyssa is a little surprised at this exchange. Her she has >brought together two people who are of fundamentally different >backgrounds, NUMBER ONE (F): The Doctor is a Pisces and Dave is a weenie. >and they are exchanging floommphing secrets like old friends. >What else can she do but pick up a rock and try to floommph >it?) ALL: [raise hands] (eagerly) Ooh! I know the answer! Pick me! Pick me! > >D. It has to hit the surface spinning very fast and cut through it >like a knife. NYSSA: I call no Bryan Adams songs. > >(She tries again and her second attempt is a true floommph.) NYSSA: I think I'd watch telling people that they'd made a 'true floommph'. > >(The scene ends with the three of them floommphing rocks.) NUMBER ONE (F): Until the EPA comes in and fines them all for damaging a Protected Wetlands Area... > > > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > HELEN: ...and on _this_ chart, we see the effects of the continued use of Viagra... > >SCENE 4: The Doctor's TARDIS, the control room > DIANE: [takes a deep breath] NUMBER ONE (F): (hurriedly) I call no singing 'Doctorin' the TARDIS'. DIANE: [sighs and closes mouth] >(Dave is looking at everything avidly. He walks around the >console, looking at the rotor, the controls, the viewscreen.) > NUMBER ONE (F): (Dave) Hah! I know those Easter Eggs are around here someplace! >R. It's incredible to actually be here. To see THE TARDIS >from inside and know that it isn't a set. > >D. I find it a thoroughly amazing.. > >N. Why, Doctor? ALL: (Mouseketeers) Because we like you! M-O-U-S-E! > >D. To you, we're fiction come to life. To us, you're the >manifestation of an omniscient storyteller. NUMBER ONE (F): (Dave, strutting) Uh-huh! That's right! Who's the God-boy? Who's the God-boy? >You've seen my adventures and know them as accurately as the >Matrix. There are things you know about us that the Matrix >doesn't know. NYSSA: (to OTHERS) It's a shame none of us saw that 'Matrix' movie, or we'd probably have some pretty good lines for this. > >N. I'm glad he knows what he knows about me. He >understands me without having to be told. HELEN: (Nyssa) For instance, when I crook my finger at him, he knows that means that it's time to play 'Spank the Traken'. > >D. I suppose there would be benefits as well. > >N. What are you worried about? DIANE: (singing) It takes a worried man/To sing a worried song... HELEN: [scowls and whaps DIANE on the head] DIANE: Oww! (to HELEN) What'd you do that for? HELEN: (to DIANE) That's for giving me Piers Anthony flashbacks. NYSSA: (impressed) Whoa! Obscure! > >D. Does his universe predetermine ours or is does it simply >observe ours? Are we a figment of his imagination? NYSSA: You know, we could, and perhaps should, ask our- selves the same question. I mean, does it not seem sometimes as if we are just here for the amusement of some higher power? A higher power that has so little of a real life that it spends its time finding increasingly ridiculous situations in which to put us? DIANE: (to NYSSA) So, you're theorizing that we may be nothing more than figments of some loser's imagination? Like... like characters in a bad fanfic? NYSSA: Worse, actually. Our lives are spent reading _other_ people's fanfic, so this theoretical higher being would not be even so creative as a fan writer. He'd be more like a parodist. The literary equivalent of a plague-carrying rat. He would be the lowest of the low, and by extension, we would be, too. NUMBER ONE (F): (thoughtfully) So, our lives might well be in the hands of some smart-assed loser who makes fun of fanfic because he can't get a date? HELEN: (to NYSSA, frightened) Do you... really think that's what we are? NYSSA: (cheerfully) Of course not! I was just pulling your chains! [laughs] Honestly, you lot will believe _anything_, won't you? > >R. I couldn't be here if TARDIS's weren't real. A TARDIS >entered my universe. Nyssa says that it wasn't one from this >particular universe, but that just means there are other >independent time streams besides mine and yours. > >N. And anyhow, we're forgetting that there was a David >Ramsey in our universe which met a slightly different me. DIANE: (Nyssa, nervously) So, see, it was that, uh, _other_ Nyssa from a parallel universe who got all squiffy and danced a nude mambo in front of the Queen Mother that time, not me. See? >The rest of me came from a third universe with the different >TARDIS. Then all three of us came together HELEN: I must say, I admire their timing ability. Simultaneous orgasm is difficult enough with just two... >-- the two Daves from the first and second streams, NUMBER ONE (F): [looks ill] Bleah. After Helen's last comment, that there is an image I could've happily done without. >and the Nyssa and her TARDIS from the second and third >streams. > >R. I wonder if the other two time streams continue to exist or if >the entire streams merged? DIANE: They did, and formed a mighty river! A veritable Tigris and Euphrates of stultification! NYSSA: (to DIANE) Hey! I'm supposed to have all the intell- ectual-sounding lines! DIANE: (to NYSSA) Live with it, bee-yotch. > >D. I should think that it was only portions which merged. >Nothing happened to me or to the rest of this universe. NUMBER ONE (F): ...since I've been in this fanfic series. The whole time, it's been one big goose egg. [sighs] > >R. It's sort of a knotty problem. HELEN: Ooh! I like naughty problems! Like this one time, my friend Rosanna got this carrot stuck-- NYSSA: (interrupting) Ahem! That's 'knotty', Helen, not 'naughty'. HELEN: Oh. Well, those are fun, too. Like the time this rock band tied me to their piano and I couldn't get loose after we were done, so I-- NYSSA: (interrupting) Yes, yes. Um, why don't you save that story for later? You can tell it to Diane! DIANE: (to NYSSA) Eat piping-hot, all-natural, sugar-free death, weasel-girl. > >We could check though, to see if my universe is still present. NYSSA: Okay. Let's x-ray your skull, then. >We have Nyssa's TARDIS, after all. > >N. Let's try it. Are you going to come with us, Doctor? NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) No. I think I'll just stay here and pray for your gruesome deaths. > >D. Only if you promise not to introduce me to myself. > > > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > DIANE: You must be at least _this_ tall to ride... > >SCENE 5: The Doctor, Nyssa and Dave in Nyssa's TARDIS > >(Dave is working at one console with the Doctor close at hand, HELEN: (Dave, seductively) Doctor, I've never felt this close to you before... >and Nyssa is standing on the opposite side doing other things.) NUMBER ONE (F): (indignantly) What? Oh, come on! At least have enough respect for us readers to throw in some technobabble or something! After that dissertation on rock- throwing, I know you could do it! > >D. What an interesting set of controls. How do you know how >to use them? HELEN: (Dave) 'Cause I'm the God-boy. Any other questions? > >R. Have you ever picked up something and discovered that you >just had the knack for it? I have an intuitive understanding. I >know that this bank of controls affects our position along the >imaginary axis. This lever controls stability, DIANE: Nyssa needs one of those. >this one starts an automatic search for a place of interest, NUMBER ONE (F): Useless in this fanfic, then. >and so on. > >(He activates the last one.) NYSSA: Whereupon the TARDIS instantly explodes, killing all three instantly. It seems he'd hit the 'Self Destruct' button by mistake. The end. HELEN: (to NYSSA) Dream on... > >N. I pointed him to that console and he got us back here as if >he'd been doing it all his life. HELEN: ...when in fact, he's never 'done it' at all. > >R. It's spooky. I shouldn't know what I'm doing, but I do. > DIANE: So, he's sort of an idiot-savant? NUMBER ONE (F): I don't know about 'savant'... NYSSA: (Dave, as Dustin Hoffman) Gotta get back in time to see Judge Wapner. Definitely Wapner... > >D. It's as much a mystery as how the second Nyssa came HELEN: With Dave as a partner, it is _definitely_ a mystery. >from the third stream into the first and met you without >knowing how to use the controls. > DIANE: (author) Mystery, plot hole... [shrugs] Who's gonna know? >R. Well, we're on course for my stream. Nyssa has tied HELEN: ...me up on several occasions. [sighs] (normal voice) If only that were true for me... NYSSA: (to HELEN) Well, if you'd like to help me with some of my medical experiments, some of them require the vict-- er, patient to be restrained. HELEN: [pales] Aheh heh. That's okay. I like my limbs where they are. >in the time controls so that this board will direct the TARDIS to >the place I have in mind. NUMBER ONE (F): (announcer) The part of the TARDIS navigator will now be played by a yellow pine two-by-six. >It will be several hours. Would either of you be interested if I >go down HELEN: [raises hand] I would! I would! >the kitchen and whip HELEN: [wiggling enthusiastically] I really, really would! >together a pizza or something? > >D. Pizza? DIANE: (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle) Pizza! Radical, dude! > >N. You know what a pizza is! Please, Dave. > >R. OK > >(He leaves.) DIANE: Hmmm... (to NYSSA) Please, Nyssa. NYSSA: (to DIANE) What? DIANE: (to NYSSA) Damn. You were supposed to say 'OK' and then leave. I should've known it couldn't be that easy. > >D. He's an interesting individual, a bit hard to read. NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) Do you have a large-print version? > >N. He's a private person. I met him in the most vulnerable way >he's ever met anyone, HELEN: Naked and sitting on the toilet? >and I've seen parts of him he scarcely dares to write about in >notes to himself. HELEN: Ah. Seems I was right, then. > >D. I've seen enough to understand your affection for him. >Does he...? DIANE: ...snore? HELEN: ...eat cookies in bed? NUMBER ONE (F): ...cry during soap operas? NYSSA: ...sing Petula Clark songs in the shower? > >N. I know it hasn't shown up much, but he's as fond of me as I >am of him. Both of us are a bit unsure how to act. DIANE: A problem that, for Nyssa, persists to this day. NYSSA: (to DIANE) Consume solid excreta and cease all metabolic processes, female-gendered canine. > >D. That's understandable. > > > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - NUMBER ONE (F): (historian) Here, we see Nelson's original, simpler plan for the Battle of Trafalgar... [The screen fades out and the lights come back on.] TEGAN: You can all have a ten-minute break, now. ALL: All right! Yay! Wai! [All four get up and leave the theater] [Door sequence: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] Notes - Part Two
Back to M
|