The shadowy figure gave the slightly taller shadowy figure next
to her a questioning look.

"Everything ready?" she asked.

The taller figure nodded. "Should be. There's a chance it may
not work, but if it doesn't, we can just try again next week."

"Wonderful," the first shadowy figure replied, rubbing her hands
together. "Soon, he will pay, oh yes!"


The problem, say many people, with Artificial Reality is that it is...
well, _artificial_.

The brain, they say, has ways of knowing whether what is going
on is really real or not. Such people say that repeated use of
Artificial Reality is ultimately detrimental to the user's emotional
stability, as its clearly false and empty nature impinges on the
psyche and causes the user to realize just how empty and bleak
their real life is.

Diane was not one of these people.

"More wine, Miss Diane?"

"Yes, thank you Doctor," she replied as the blond refilled her
glass. She lay on her stomach in the warm sunshine, enjoying
the warm Summer day and the feel of strong hands rubbing her

"Let me know if I get too rough," Ryouga softly whispered as his
fingers worked the knots from her back. She looked around at
him, appreciating the sight of the young Japanese man's hard,
muscular body, covered only by a not-very-large loincloth. He
gave a nervous, fang-toothed smile at her obvious appraisal.

"You're doing fine, Ryouga-kun," Diane said with a smile.
"Carry on."

"At once, Diane-sama."

"Pardon the interruption, Miss Diane," said the Fifth Doctor as
he returned to kneel at her side. "My Eighth self and a Mr. Duo
Maxwell would like to know if they could brush your hair, and
perhaps model some swimwear for you?"

Diane waved her hand lazily. "Make it so."

Who the Hell needed a real life?

She zoned out a bit, luxuriating in the feel of warm idleness and
firm hands on her body. Although... It felt like Ryouga's fingers
were getting kind of... sharp? Like with long nails? She turned
back around to see what the problem was, and found herself
looking straight down a great deal of leather-covered cleavage.

"Hi, darling! Nice place you've got here!"

"YAAAAAAHH!! Getoffameeee!" WHAM!


"You needn't have been so rough, sweetie," Helen pouted from
her position on the floor in the corner of the Artificial Reality
chamber, a position she'd reached courtesy of a judo-throw.

Diane grumpily shut off the machine and tied her robe on a
little more securely. "You've got a lot of nerve, invading my
privacy like that," she hissed.

"Well, I had to, didn't I? Adric has called a meeting, and they
sent me to fetch you out of there."

"Couldn't you have just turned the machine off?"

Helen laughed sultrily, causing Diane to resume her judo stance.
"I could have, I suppose, but this way was _much_ more fun."


"Hey, Adric! Looking sharp, there!"

Number One snorted. "Brown-noser."

"Why thank you, Di," Adric burbled happily from the viewscreen.
He gave a little turn to show off his three-piece business suit and
silk tie. "Now that you lot are making me independently wealthy,
I thought I could afford to splurge a little. Do you like the tie? I
got it because it matches the color of my new Porsche."

Nyssa made a rude noise and tossed her head haughtily. "So,
that's what our pain and suffering has bought? I feel _so_ much
better knowing that." Her voice carried enough sarcasm for an
entire season of British TV sitcoms.

"I'm glad," he said, missing it entirely. "But, I didn't call you to
gloat, oh no. In fact, I think you'll be quite pleased."

"Oh? Have you contracted a terminal illness?" Nyssa asked,
perking up.



"Actually," Adric drawled, "I'm wondering how you'd like to not
only not have to read a crappy fanfic this week, but if you'd by
chance care to enjoy _this_." He held up a very large sheaf of

"What's that, Marshmellow?" Number One grunted. "Looks like
just another fanfic." He shrugged.

Adric grinned impishly. "But, it isn't. It's _the_ fanfic. It's
Nicholas Leifker's 'Iris' series, complete and including the newest

"'Iris'? Did he say 'Iris'?"

"I think that's what he said!"

Nyssa and Diane looked at each other, and little hearts could all
but be seen in their eyes. Forgetting their normal enmity, the two
girls clasped hands and danced a delighted, squealing whirl
around the room.

"Wai! 'Iris'! Wai! 'China Roses' was _so_ cool!"

"No, no! 'Angel' was cooler! Wai!"

"No! 'Destination Unknown' was cooler! Wai! 'Iris'!"

"The wedding scene was the best!"

"No, Kuno's confession of love..."

"No, their first date..."

Helen looked curiously at the prancing, laughing girls and the
rather sour-faced Number One and asked, "So, uh, what's this
'Iris', then?"

Diane, still starry-eyed, gasped, "It's the greatest, sweetest, best
all-around 'Ranma 1/2' fanfic series ever!"

Nyssa nodded in energetic agreement. "It's about love, and
friendship, and togetherness, and--"

"It's a chick-fic," Number One deadpanned. Diane and Nyssa
began throwing things at him.

"It is _not_ just a 'chick-fic'!"

"You take that back! Jerk!"

Adric observed the mayhem with no small amusement. "Ahem.
So, am I to take it from this little display that you might be
interested in my little proposition?"

"Yesyesyes!" yessed Nyssa and Diane.

"Sure, why not?" agreed Helen.

"Hell, no," griped Number One. The girls resumed throwing

"Well, you see," Adric began, "I had this merchandising idea..."


"No. Absolutely not. Never. Nada. Nein."

"Oh, come on, you big baby," Diane snapped. "Everybody else is
willing to do it."

"Then everybody else can do it," replied Number One, arms folded
defiantly across his chest. Mulishly, he declared, "I ain't gonna."

"Oh, please? Pleeeeeaaase?" Nyssa begged, trying to make cute
puppy-eyes at him and not quite getting it right.

Number One's features softened almost imperceptibly, but he
shook his head. "No, ma'am. I ain't gonna. I'm not doing _that_,
so y'all can just forget it."

Helen leaned over him, tracing little circles on his chest. "If what
Adric's offering isn't enough, perhaps I could... 'up the ante' a bit,"
she husked.

Slightly dazed, he shook his head again. "I ain't gonna."

Diane regarded him with a clinical glare. "So, neither logic nor
pleading nor sex make any impression. I guess that just leaves
us only one course of action..."

"Admitting defeat?"

"No. Brutality." Diane smiled evilly and held up a set of hedge
clippers. "Either you agree to do this, or you'll be peeing sitting
down in _both_ bodies. Comprende?"

Gulp. "Well, I suppose I could do this just this one time..."

"Smart boy."


The taller shadowy figure nodded. "It is almost time."

The shorter one reached over and turned on the TV. "Now, we
just wait for our moment..."


BKWillis presents...


[cue Theme Song]

o/~ In the not-too-distant future
Not too far from This Time Round
There was a girl named Nyssa whose
Sanity was not-quite-sound.

She and some others used to fuss and fight
And destroy the pub almost every night.
So the staff and patrons of that place
Used Borusa's Time-Scoop to stick them up in spaaaaace...

(Nyssa, shouting:)
"You'll regret this!!"

(Adric, singing:)
"We'll send them crappy fiction
The worst we can find. (la-la-laaa)
They'll have to sit and read them all
To drive the violence from their minds." (la-la-laaa)

Now keep in mind only Adric controls
When the session begins or is through
As he tries to force some sense into
This completely unhinged crew.


NYSSA! ("Don't make me hurt you.")

HELEN! ("In the flesh!")

NUMBER ONE! ("Got a problem with that?")

DIAAAAANE! ("I'm nice! Really!")

If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
And other science facts,
Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a 'fic.
I should really just relax."

'Cause it's Mystery Psycho Theater 3000!
(bwang) o/~


[Interior bridge of the Satellite of Love]

[The bridge is covered with various types of photographers' equip-
ment, including lights, backdrops, etc. No one is in sight, but the
cast's voices can be heard from off-screen.]

NUMBER ONE (Female): (off-screen) I can't believe I actually
did that.

DIANE: (off-screen) Will you just hush? You did it, I did it, we
all did it, and now we get rewarded for it.

HELEN: (off-screen) I thought it was fun!

NYSSA: (off-screen) Harry certainly seemed to enjoy it.

[The cast enters from the right. They are: NYSSA (a petite and
very beautiful teenaged brunette dressed in an extremely skimpy
nurse's uniform); DIANE (a pretty blonde wearing very tiny cutoff
shorts and a halter top); HELEN (a tall, well-built woman with
long auburn hair and dressed in a revealing French maid's outfit);
and NUMBER ONE (F) (a very short, voluptuous redhead wearing
a bikini-bottom and a half-shirt with the words 'Dangerous
Curves' on it). NUMBER ONE (F) looks embarrassed.]

NUMBER ONE (F): I'm never gonna live this down.

DIANE: Not with that many photographs, you won't.

NYSSA: _I_ find it very ironic, personally. One likes to ogle
sexy girls, and now she gets to see what it's like to be on the
other end of that.

NUMBER ONE (F): [perks up] (to NYSSA) Are you saying
you think I'm sexy?

NYSSA: [rolls eyes]

HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Cheer up, dear heart. You
know what they say: Better to be looked-over than overlooked.

[A light on the console begins to flash.]

DIANE: Ah. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup are calling.
[presses light]


[Interior back room at This Time Round]

[The room is filled with a mixture of electronic command-and-
control equipment, computers, and pub supplies. Behind the
control console stand ADRIC (a black-haired teenager in an
expensive tailored suit) and HARRY (a handsome thirtyish man
with curly hair, wearing a barman's apron). HARRY has a
camera around his neck and an armload of photography supplies
and equipment. BOTH are smiling, but HARRY seems a bit

ADRIC: Greetings, Sailor Scouts! Did you have fun smiling for
the camera?

HARRY: (softly) I feel a bit faint, Old Fellow...



HELEN: [shrugs] No big deal. I'd have been willing to do
some more 'action-oriented' shots, but Harry was looking a bit
frazzled there toward the end.



HARRY: (softly) Oh, dear. [nose starts bleeding slightly]

ADRIC: That's quite all right, ladies. And Number One. We
need 'provocative' photos for the 'MPT3k Adric's Grrlz Calendar',
not outright pornography.

HARRY: (softly) Blood... leaving brain... gak...

ADRIC: Soon, drooling fanboys across the world will be forking
over their hard-begged-for cash for the chance to salivate over
you four. You could be the next Pia Zadoras!



NUMBER ONE (F): [covers face] Oh my God...

DIANE: [elbows NUMBER ONE (F)] Oh, suck it up. You
know the deal. At least this way, we get something out of it.
If we hadn't agreed, Adric would've just snuck some pictures
of us in the shower or something, and we wouldn't even get
a good fanfic out of it.



ADRIC: Well, I had a trump card, too. If you hadn't agreed, I'd
have sent you some Yoda/JarJar slash stories I found the other



[ALL look a bit green.]

NYSSA: I don't know what's worse, that we almost had to read
it, or that someone actually wrote it.



[FRANCOIS the Ogron (a huge, brutish-looking humanoid)
enters from the left, carrying an armload of film-developing
chemicals. As he sees the screen, his eyes get very wide and he
trips over a box, falling to the floor.]

ADRIC: (to FRANCOIS) Are you all right?

FRANCOIS: (from floor) Not problem. Francois just distracted.
Heh heh.

[FRANCOIS climbs to his feet and joins the others at the screen.]

ADRIC: (to FRANCOIS) What is that on your face?


ADRIC: It's not-- Good Lord! You're blushing!

FRANCOIS: (to ADRIC) Francois not! Is just, uh, from hitting
floor, is all! Is bruise!

HARRY: [nose trickling blood] (softly) A shower. A shower
would be good...

ADRIC: (to FRANCOIS) I can't believe you two are so worked
up over the sight of a little female flesh! What's the big deal?

FRANCOIS: (to ADRIC) Boss-boy ever seeing Ogron girls?

ADRIC: Uh, no.

FRANCOIS: Boss-boy luckier than Francois, then. [shudders]



NUMBER ONE (F): Ick. I'm being visually molested by Mighty
Joe Young's uglier brother. Ain't this sexual harrassment, or

HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) No, this is just loutishness.
Sexual harrassment is more like this... [pinches NYSSA on the

NYSSA: HEY! Keep your hands to yourself! [punches at
HELEN, but misses]

DIANE: (to OTHERS) Settle down. It's almost 'Iris' time!



ADRIC: Well, anyway, I promised you 'Iris', so that's what we'll
send. Take your time, this won't be like a regular session, although
we'll still film it for archival purposes. (to HARRY) Send them--
Never mind, he's pretty out of it.

HARRY: [smiling and wobbling a little] (softly) Pretty maids
all in a row... Shower. Definitely shower...

ADRIC: (to FRANCOIS) Send them the good fanfic, TV's

FRANCOIS: Roger wilco!

[FRANCOIS reaches for a large and conspicuous button on the
console, but before he can reach it, the screen dissolves into


[Interior, nondescript room]

[The room's walls have been covered with sheets to prevent
possible identification. Some complex-looking electronic devices
are in the foreground, while in the back is a large banner that
the control console stand TEGAN (a pretty, short-haired woman
in a black trenchcoat) and VARNE (a tall, attractive redhead
wearing an identical black trenchcoat). BOTH scowl darkly.]

TEGAN: Well, well, well. It would seem that Adric's program
just got pre-empted. [laughs] Sucks to be him, I'd say.



NYSSA: Tegan!? What the Hell are you doing?



TEGAN: What does it look like? We're using pirate broadcast
equipment to override Adric's signal and take over this operation.

VARNE: And none too soon, judging by your wardrobe change.

TEGAN: Indeed. Things aren't going to be like they have been,
let me tell you!



NYSSA: (hopefully) You're going to get us down from here?
Or at least me?




TEGAN: Not yet, Nys. If you will recall, the original purpose of
this whole operation was to help cure your insanity. Adric lost
sight of that goal in the pursuit of profit, but not I! Through
direct feminist guerrilla action, I intend to return this program to
its intended purpose, to cure you of your madness, to demonstrate
the superiority of the female mind, to put an end to the capitalistic
pandering, and to utterly ruin that little wanker Adric!



NYSSA: And split the occasional infinitive, as well. So, if I'm
understanding you correctly, not only are you not going to let us
go, but you also intend to send us bad fanfics just like Adric does?



TEGAN: Exactly!



NYSSA: I see. [pause] Bitch.

DIANE: (upset) Does this mean no 'Iris'?



TEGAN: Reading that fanfic would serve no purpose. Instead,
we have something far more... 'therapeutic' for you. It's a work
you should be well acquainted with by now...



ALL: [look horrified]

DIANE: Please, God, not...



TEGAN: I'm talking about David E. Woon's 'Stories of Nyssa',
of course.






TEGAN: And, I must admit, this one sinks to the very deepest,
darkest depths of anorakdom. The madness will gibber and
scream and beg to be let out of your minds! I give you, 'Punting
on the Stream of Time'! (to VARNE) Send them the fanfic,

[Chuckling evilly, VARNE presses a large and conspicuous
button on the console.]



[Various alarms, lights, and sirens go off as general chaos ensues.]

ALL: Aaaaah! We've got pirate-broadcast fanfic sign!

[ALL run off.]


[Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]


[SOL, Theater interior]

[The four enter the theater from a door on the right, all carrying
popcorn, snacks, and drinks. NYSSA takes the aisle seat, with
NUMBER ONE (F) on her left, HELEN on the other side of her,
and DIANE to HELEN's left.]

HELEN: (to NYSSA) That's some friend you've got there.

NYSSA: Indeed. I can't wait to show her my 'special' brand of
affection. [laughs ominously]

[A screen in front of the four lights up and words begin to appear
on it.]


DIANE: (singing) We're on the hiiiighway to Hell...

NYSSA: Literally.

>This is the SIXTH episode in a series. Please address
>comments or requests for further information or the previous
>episodes to:


DIANE: Torquemada? I didn't expect him.

NYSSA and NUMBER ONE (F): (shouting) _Nobody_ expects
the Spanish Inquisitor!

> (or)

NUMBER ONE (F): One more point for anarchism.

> -- David E. Woon -- Molecular Science Research Center --
>PNL --

DIANE: Purely Neurotic Literature?

NYSSA: Praising Nyssa's Loveliness?

HELEN: Pre-Natal Lactation?

NUMBER ONE (F): Presbyterian Neurasthenic Lesbians?

> -- Alumnus of Michigan Tech University --

DIANE: Isn't Sally Struthers their spokesman?

NUMBER ONE (F): (whiny Sally Struthers) Earn your degree
by mail in the exciting fields of Medical Transcriptionist, VCR
Repair, or Molecular Science...


NYSSA: (Muammar Qadaffi) This shall be the Line of Death.


NUMBER ONE (F): ...even though it's only second down and

HELEN: I like the word 'punt'! Punt punt punt punt punt! Just
something about that sound...

DIANE: [eases away from HELEN]

> by David E. Woon

DIANE: 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...'

NYSSA: 'In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit...'

NUMBER ONE (F): 'Call me Ishmael...'

HELEN: 'Ken, 23, is a Mounted Policeman with a difference...'

>In the previous story we met the character of David Ramsey.
>It is necessary to review his background he is going to be
>travelling with Nyssa.

NYSSA: Translation: let's hear about the guy who'll be taking
over Nyssa's life and reducing her to a mere appendage of his
super-cool self.

DIANE: (to NYSSA) Not that you're bitter, right?

NYSSA: I just know how the 'author-insert' deal generally

NUMBER ONE (F): [coughs and looks away]

>He holds a doctorate in physics from a small midwestern

NUMBER ONE (F): ...Springfield Clown College.

>Michigan Technological University,

NUMBER ONE (F): [shrugs] Same difference.

>which is located in the Upper Peninsula of that state.

HELEN: I like the word 'peninsula', too! Peninsulas and punts!
Punts and peninsulas!

>The school is found in the town of Houghton, in the middle

HELEN: ...Ages.

DIANE: ...class.

NYSSA: ...of nowhere.

NUMBER ONE (F): ...of a soccer riot.

>of another peninsula,

ALL: D'oh!

>known as the Keweenaw. David has roots there which go

HELEN: All this talk of punts and peninsulas and 'deep roots' is
starting to get me a bit... flustered. [stares smokily at DIANE]

DIANE: (to HELEN, nervously) Don't look at me like that.

HELEN: Like what?

DIANE: Like I'm between two slices of bread.

HELEN: [chuckles]

>than his eleven years of residence; his grandfather and family
>had lived in the area in the 30's and built a cottage on the
>southern shore of Lake Superior.

NYSSA: ...and just a few miles from Lake Basically Adequate.

DIANE: Just east of Lake Woebegone.

NUMBER ONE (F): (to DIANE, growling) Start quoting Garrison
Keillor, and I'll have to hurt you, girlie.

>Nyssa was drawn into meeting Dave by a strange coincidence:

NUMBER ONE (F): Namely, that Abraham Lincoln and John
Kennedy both had Vice-Presidents named Johnson. Freaky,

>he had written a group of stories about her which were fairly

DIANE: He wrote 'Red Shoe Diaries'?

>To him, she and all of the Doctor Who universe were fiction, at
>least until she walked out of her TARDIS and into his office

HELEN: ...and across his back with four-inch stiletto heels.

>one evening. Later on, their time stream converged together

NYSSA: As opposed to converging apart.

>with another one in which the Doctor's universe was completely
>real. In this alternative reality a slightly different Nyssa and
>Dave had met each other and had then proceeded to

HELEN: ...get funky like monkeys until the wee hours of the

DIANE: [smacks forehead] _Bad_ mental picture.

NYSSA: (to DIANE, indignantly) At least I _could_, dear.

DIANE: (to NYSSA) I could, too!

HELEN: (to DIANE) I volunteer to help you prove it!

DIANE: Uh, never mind...

>encounter an intriguing alien who called himself a sprite and
>claimed to be a scout for the peaceful race known as the

NUMBER ONE (F): Little did they know, he was actually a scout
for a group of evil lawn gnomes.

>The two time streams merged into one complete stream,

NUMBER ONE (F): But by then, the toilet seat was already

>and it is soon to sweep Nyssa and Dave into new adventures,
>whether they desire it or not.
>Dave and Nyssa have found a common bond growing between

HELEN: Specifically, the bond of nookie.

DIANE: [chuckles] Talk about your low-interest bonds.

>This new series of stories explores a different form of
>companionship that has rarely been seen in the television

NYSSA: As long as I don't end up having to dress up as Little
Bo Peep, or some such.

>but one which, it is hoped, has a certain potential for new
>perspectives and motivations.

NYSSA: My experience has been that you humans only have
three basic motivations: greed, lust, and stupidity.

DIANE: (to NYSSA, angrily) Hey! That's not... not... [looks at
HELEN and NUMBER ONE (F)] ...not _entirely_ true... _every_
time... errr...

NYSSA: [smirks] (to DIANE) Very good. Care to demonstrate
greed and lust now?

>One final bit of detail: this encounter with David Ramsey has
>led both Nyssa and Dave to the realization that

NUMBER ONE (F): ...they are gay.

DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) We've already got more than
enough homoeroticism around here, thank you. [jerks thumb at

HELEN: (to DIANE, purring) At least you're noticing...

DIANE: [looks ill]

>Nyssa's TARDIS must surely be capable of more than motion
>through space and time.

NYSSA: (announcer) It also slices, dices, and makes julienne

>As a Type-60* TARDIS,

NUMBER ONE (F): Hold on! It was a Type 43* in the last
story. What gives?

HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) You paid _that much_
attention? [giggles] Fanboy! Fanboy!

NUMBER ONE (F): [turns red and splutters incoherently]

HELEN, DIANE, and NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE (F), sing-
song) Fanboy, fanboy! What ya gonna do? What ya gonna do
when they come for you?

>it is also able to travel down paths which lead into the realms
>of the imagination.

DIANE: (Rod Serling) ...a dimension not only of sight and
sound, but of silliness. There's the signpost up ahead. Your
next stop, the Fanwank Zone!

>They are now proceeding toward a rendezvous with the Doctor,
>an event both he and David are looking forward to with

HELEN: (Tim Curry) I see you shiver with antici-- [long pause]

NYSSA: [giggles] The Frankenfurter Doctor, with companions
Brad and Janet.

DIANE: (grumpily) Just what we need. Another ambivallently-
gendered goofball.

NUMBER ONE (F): [makes rude gestures at DIANE]


NUMBER ONE (F): Nice furrow, but contour plowing wouldn't
erode as quickly.

>SCENE 1: The Amalgam pub
>(The Doctor's Amalgam sits alone. The Master's Amalgam
>will not be coming in anymore, and he is mourning the loss of
>his friend.)

DIANE: So, the Mini-Master kicked the bucket in a previous
episode? Cool!

NYSSA: (enthusiatically) Hooray for character mortality! Go,
Death, go!

HELEN: (singing) Another one bites the dust...

NUMBER ONE (F): (to OTHERS) You three are awful. [grins]
I like that.

>(An unknown Amalgam enters with Nyssa's. He is tall, and
>although it is not overtly apparent,

NUMBER ONE (F): ...he is wearing leather undergarments.

HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE (F), puzzled) So? Doesn't

>every subtlety we see in him reflects an immense sense of

DIANE: Like the casual way he shoves along his walker and the
subtly archaic way he says things like, (old codger voice) 'Beer,
is it? In _my_ day, we didn't have that fancy-schmancy stuff!
We had to drink weasel urine! Straight from the weasel! And
we were _glad_ to get it!'

>(They sit down at the same inglenook

HELEN: (purring) I like the sound of that word, too. (to
DIANE) Could I interest you in a bit of inglenook?

DIANE: (to HELEN) Huh? What is that?

HELEN: [smiles cat-like] (to DIANE) Well, see, I'm _English_,
so there's the 'ingle', and the 'nook'...

DIANE: [sighs] I should've known. (to HELEN) What part of
'Hell no. I'm straight. Leave me alone.' don't you understand?

HELEN: (Darth Vader) You deny your feelings, but search your
heart, and you will find them to be true.

DIANE: [rolls eyes]

NYSSA: (aside, to NUMBER ONE (F)) I don't think it really
means that...

>in which the Doctor's Amalgam is sitting in and staring from.)

NYSSA: ('Jeopardy' contestant) I'll take 'Misconstructed Prep-
ositional Phrases' for $300, Alex!

>R. We have come to be with you.

ALL: (singing) I'm the one who wants to/Be with you...

>(He puts his large reassuring hand on the shoulder of Doctor's

NUMBER ONE (F): I swear that sounds like the name of a race

>who focuses enough to recognize his company.)
>D. The Amalgams of Rassilon and Nyssa... Thank you for

HELEN: Thank you for swallowing. OWW!

[DIANE whaps HELEN on the head, while NYSSA bounces an
empty cup off her temple and NUMBER ONE (F) tries not to
look approving.]

>R. The Master's Amalgam has done what none of us have ever
>needed to do before, to give up his own existence in the interest
>of the one he served. He deserves our grief.

NYSSA: I know we'd gladly give him quite a bit.

>D. The Master will not consider this in his best interest.
>R. Nor will he realize how large a loss it is to us, and to the
>Time Lords, to lose his memories.

DIANE: He was the only one who knew all the cheat codes to
'Resident Evil'.

>N. Aren't his experiences all safe in the Matrix?
>R. Only the externals. The lifelong memories of his
>knowledge, perspectives and motivations and how they
>interrelated with those of other people, all that is gone. In spite
>of his twistedness, it is still a great loss.

NUMBER ONE (F): (brusquely) Yeah, yeah. 'Ding-dong, the
Witch is dead,' and all that. He's maggot-pie. Deal with it.

>(As the scene progresses, the Doctor's Amalgam loses his
>despondency. Like the Doctor himself, conversation helps
>allow the emotions to subside.)

NYSSA: Or, also like the Doctor himself, it could be those eleven
Tequila Butt-Busters he's chugged down.

>D. An Earthling would say, what good is a photograph if you
>don't know the story behind it?

DIANE: But, we also say that, 'A picture is worth a thousand

NYSSA: (sarcastically) More pearls of wisdom from the planet
that gave us pet rocks, dialectical materialism, and Britney

>N. I think I understand, sort of. (She wants to change the

NYSSA: Yes, in fact I do.

>Are you aware that Nyssa has picked up a companion?

NYSSA: [winces] Though not to _that_.

>D. No, I hadn't heard.
>R. This is no simple companion.

HELEN: I don't know... From what I've seen, he seems pretty

>N. I'm sorry, I'm still new to the application of connotations. I
>know the theory quite well, but it is harder to make out

DIANE: the back of a '74 Maverick than it looks.

NYSSA: (to DIANE) You'd know, I suppose.

DIANE: (to NYSSA) Whereas _you_ would only know the

HELEN: (gleefully) Catfight! Catfight!

>the distinctions than I though it would be.
>D. You mean that this companion is more than a companion?

NUMBER ONE (F): (Nyssa's Amalgam) Indeed. He's also an

>N. There is already strong affection between them.
>R. It could lead to an interesting situation.

HELEN: Only if they break out the chains, whipped cream, and
a schnauzer.

>D. I can think of several possible ramifications. None of which
>Rassilon exactly planned for.

NYSSA: (Doctor's Amalgam) For instance, evil penguins might
conquer Saskatchewan and institute compulsory Buck-Dancing.
Rassilon never went into much detail about what to do if _that_

>R. It is even more complex than you know.
>D. How so?
>R. This individual has crossed the imaginary plane.

DIANE: (Herve Villechaize) Boss! De plane! De plane!

NUMBER ONE (F): 'Imaginary plane'... Didn't Wonder Woman
have something like that?

>D. Oh, my.

NYSSA: (announcer) The part of 'the Doctor's Amalgam' will
now be played by Miss Kasumi Tendou.

>We thought that was impossible.

HELEN: (sultrily) I've had spectators say that before. [laughs
softly] Little do they know, I'm double-jointed...

>R. We should have known better. After all, where are we?

DIANE: _That_ drunk, already? Sad.

>D. The best theory I've heard is that this place is derived from
>us much in the same way as we are derived from the Time

NYSSA: (Nyssa's Amalgam) Ah, yes. Are you referring to the
'Stork Theory' or the 'Cabbage Patch Hypothesis'?

>It's your theory, in fact.
>R. But I've come to question it lately, or actually, to extend it.

NUMBER ONE (F): (Rassilon's Amalgam) Later, I plan on
folding, trimming, and shoving it.

>I think that in being derived from ourselves it is founded just
>over the edge of imagination. After all, we are not as real as
>we appear.

DIANE: Now _there's_ some fodder for another 'Can there be
less than nothing?' debate.

>D. Perhaps you are right.
>R. Perhaps. But this person...
>N. His name is David Ramsey.

NUMBER ONE (F): (Ray J. Johnson) But you can call him
'Dave'. Or you can call him 'David'. Or you can call him 'DR'.
Or you can--

DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F), interrupting) Shut up, _now_,
or I really will murder you in your sleep.

NUMBER ONE (F): Urk...

>R. This person has come from a place which no one in our
>universe had conceived of,

NUMBER ONE (F): A MENSA chapter in Arkansas?

>a place to which we had existed only as fiction.
>D. Does that mean that our universe is derived from theirs?
>That we were imaginary all along?

HELEN: What have they been smoking, and did they leave any
for me?

>R. That does not appear to be true. Both universes coexist as
>alternative realities; there was, in fact, another David Ramsey
>in our own universe.
>N. But a different Nyssa met each of them. Where did the
>second Nyssa come from?

DIANE: Well, when a mommy Nyssa and a daddy Nyssa love
each other _very_ much, they get certain urges...

HELEN: (to DIANE) Even by my standards, that is one _weird_
mental picture.

NUMBER ONE (F): (slightly dazed) And yet, strangely
compelling... [drools]

[NYSSA, looking annoyed, gets up and walks behind the
seats, where she whaps each of the OTHERS on the head,
one by one, then silently sits back down.]

>D. Are there two of each of them?

DIANE: (Rassilon's Amalgam) No, there's six. We got the
Economy Pack.

>R. Not any more.

NUMBER ONE (F): (Rassilon's Amalgam) Not since their
TARDIS landed at Camp Crystal Lake...

>Their individual time streams converged. A mysterious second
>N. Who had the same memories as mine...

DIANE: [takes a deep breath]

NUMBER ONE (F): (hurriedly) I call no singing 'The Way We

DIANE: [sighs and closes her mouth]

>R. Jumped from someplace and met Ramsey. The time
>streams combined, and they are now in our universe.
>N. The second Nyssa had a TARDIS which is not like any
>from our universe.

NUMBER ONE (F): (ghetto kid) Dat ho' done laid on de curb-
feelers and some gold fender-skirts. Dat TARDIS be pimpin'
like a Coupe deVille!

>It was already capable of travelling along the imaginary axis.

HELEN: Wasn't that the alliance that Germany made with
Narnia and Hyboria?

NUMBER ONE (F): (to HELEN) Even imaginary, they were
still more useful allies than the Italians.

>D. That explains how she crossed the imaginary plane the first
>time, but it tells us nothing about where she came from.

NYSSA: (Conehead) I come from France.

>N. She had most of the same memories. I felt myself

HELEN: I do that, sometimes. The secret is to use your left
hand, so it feels like someone else.

NYSSA: (to HELEN) Let me introduce you to a new concept.
It's called 'Too Much Information'...

>pass through an abruptness when the streams converged.
>R. What was different?

DIANE: (Nyssa's Amalgam) In the other reality, they still
haven't figured out that Al Gore is an Auton, in spite of all the

>N. Recent events, mostly. She was aware that her TARDIS
>could travel into imagination, but she didn't know how to use it.
>Somehow, the TARDIS itself chose to seek out David Ramsey.

NYSSA: And I'm still trying to fix _that_ operating bug.

>R. You should know everything that TARDIS knew.
>N. There was a moment after the convergence when the two
>knowledges were intermeshing, and I think some of each was
>lost or misplaced.
>D. Hopefully, you will be able to find it again.

DIANE: It'll be in the very last place you look. Don't you just
hate losing stuff?

>R. This is all very remarkable. I wonder what will come of it.
>(A very perceptive observation from the Amalgam of Rassilon.
>I wonder, too.)

NYSSA: I don't!

NUMBER ONE (F): Me, neither!

DIANE: Nor me!

HELEN: Too bad this isn't a democracy...

> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NUMBER ONE (F): (tour guide) And here we have a fresh
shipment of hyphens, all ready to be loaded and shipped away for
use in feminists' surnames.

>SCENE 2: Nyssa and Dave, Nyssa's TARDIS, en route to

HELEN: (humming) Hm-hm da da dada da, dada da hm-hm da

NYSSA: (to HELEN) What _are_ you doing?

HELEN: (to NYSSA) I'm singing Metallica's 'Orion', only it's
an instrumental, so...

>(What we have here

NUMBER ONE (F): (chain-gang boss) a failure to

>are two people who have some things in common and have
>been brought together by uncommon circumstances.

DIANE: For 'uncommon circumstances', read 'Deus ex machina'.

>Although they each have an honest interest in each other, the
>relationship is still young.

HELEN: Just the way Woodie Allen likes them.

>They have very different backgrounds: Nyssa is a citizen of the
>galaxy and has seen some of the universe's nastier aspects,

NYSSA: (solemnly) I have, indeed. I have seen souls consumed
by madness and depravity. I have seen tremendous evil wrought
by the lust for power. I have seen virtue trampled and justice
spat upon. I have--

NUMBER ONE (F): (to NYSSA, interrupting) You've been
watching Congressional proceedings on TV again, haven't you?

NYSSA: [nods] As far as loathesome, slimy foulness goes,
Cthulhu has got _nothing_ on your Congressman Bonior.

>while Dave is a provincial who knows more about the failings
>of his own people that those of the cosmos.

NYSSA: (snottily) Now, _there's_ a hole with no bottom!

>One big point in their favor is that neither have had

HELEN: before at all, so it doesn't matter if they aren't any

>the deeper sort of relationship which theirs promises to become,
>and both want it to succeed.)

DIANE: And remember, kids: nothing sucks seeds like a
parakeet with no beak!

>(The previous storyline also provided some details about the
>difference between Dave and Nyssa's respective time senses.
>Nyssa, as a Time Lord, tends to see time from outside as a
>semi-detached observer.

NUMBER ONE (F): ...or a fully-detached Bobo.

NYSSA: [whaps NUMBER ONE (F) on the head] I think we're
already chewing on Best Brains's copyright more than enough,
without that kind of thing.


HELEN: (HAL) What are you doing, Dave?

>on the other hand, has seen time only from the inside, but has
>the means to glimpse through its depths without actually
>having to travel any distance.

DIANE: So, he can remember past stuff and guess about future
stuff. Whee.

>He sees history as a sweeping whole, while she sees it as a
>series of events.)
>(We start in a corrider of the TARDIS. She opens a door to a

NYSSA: This is the lavatory. If you leave the seat up, I'm
marooning your butt on Skaro. Understood?

>we note that he has a box of assorted items which he has
>brought with him.)

NUMBER ONE (F): Rubber sheets; a 'Space: 1999' lunchbox;
his lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel; and a
bottle of 'High Karate', just in case.

>N. Here is a room which you may use. I'm sorry that it hasn't
>much character,

NYSSA: ...but neither do you, so it should be perfect.

>but I haven't had much of chance yet to collect odds and ends.
>D. It'll be fine. I have a few things which I can use to personalize

HELEN: (Dave) Let me just mark my territory, here... [makes
unzipping motions]

>N. My room is at the end of the corridor.

NYSSA: Don't let me catch you there.

>I'll show you some of the other rooms.
>(He leaves the box on the floor and follows her.)
> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

DIANE: (indignantly) Who tracked dirt all over my nice, clean

NYSSA: (to DIANE) Metaphorically, we all have.

>SCENE 3: the world of Beta Orionsis 5

NYSSA: Must be another GEP.


NYSSA: Generic Earthlike Planet. As seen frequently in most
TV science fiction. Not terribly original, but saves a bundle on
special effects and scenery.

>(The Doctor has already arrived on this pleasant world. He has
>been wandering barefoot along the beach and is now throwing

NUMBER ONE (F): Beta Orionsis 5 is having a really mellow

>Sometimes to skip them, sometimes just to throw them, but
>ocassionally to floommph them

ALL: 'Floommph'?

[NYSSA pulls a huge Dictionary from under her seat and begins
paging quickly through it.]

HELEN: What in Niflheim does 'floommph' mean? It sounds
kind of perverted, but even _I_ wouldn't do it with a rock.

NYSSA: It's not in the 'Webster's Unabridged New Revised
Collegiate Jumbo-Sized Super-Duper Deluxe Dictionary'.

>[more on this later]).

NUMBER ONE (F): (drily) I don't doubt it a bit.

>(Nyssa's TARDIS materialises close at hand and its occupants

NYSSA: [powerposes] To protect the world from devastation!

NUMBER ONE (F): (Dave) [powerposes] To unite all people
within our nation!

NYSSA: To denounce the evils of fun and action!

NUMBER ONE (F): (Dave) To extend our reach all across fan-

NYSSA: Nyssa!

NUMBER ONE (F): (Dave) Dave!

NYSSA: Team TARDIS blasts off at the speed of light!

NUMBER ONE (F): (Dave) Surrender now or prepare to fight!

DIANE: (Meowth) Meowth! That's right!

HELEN: (to OTHERS) I'm not even going to _ask_...

>(Now I've got to find a letter to use for David Ramsey. D is out,
>so I'll use R [Ramsey and Rassilon will never appear together in
>the same scene {oh, yeah?}].)

NYSSA: (bleakly) Oh, no...

DIANE: (bleakly) Oh, Lord...

NUMBER ONE (F): (bleakly) Oh, crap...

HELEN: The 'Parenthetical-Aside from Hell'... [shivers]

>N. Hello, Doctor!
>D. Hello, Nyssa.

DIANE: (singing) Greetings from Camp/Hiawissa...

>N. This is Dr. David Ramsey, though he doesn't like using the

NYSSA: He prefers to be called 'Lord Admiral of the Potato

>he claims that he keeps forgetting that he's earned his Ph.D.
>D. Pleased to meet you, sir.

DIANE: (Doctor) So, have you nailed her yet?

>R. And I'm quite glad to meet you, Doctor, after all I've seen
>and heard of you.
>D. Nyssa told me a few brief things in her communique, and I
>must admit that I am quite intrigued. To come from another
>reality into this one! You're going to have a hard time
>explaining this.

NUMBER ONE (F): He sounds like the 'Ward Cleaver Doctor'.

DIANE: (Barbara Billingsley) Doctor, Beaver has become an
agent of the Black Guardian again.

NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor, as Hugh Beaumont) I'll have a
talk with him, dear.

ALL: [hum the 'Leave it to Beaver' theme song]

>R. Ummmm...

NYSSA: For crying out loud, can't you wait and do your medi-
tation later?

>N. Doctor, he doesn't know how it happened. It looks like it
>was more my fault.

HELEN: (Nyssa) He just sort of fell on top of me, and if I had
kept my knees together...

NYSSA: [whaps HELEN on the head]

>D. But you claimed to have to have no idea how you ended up
>with a different kind of TARDIS.

NYSSA: That's right. I just _had_ to have no idea. I couldn't
go even one more day without having no idea.

>N. It's a mystery to me.

DIANE: (Velma) Jinkies! A mystery!

>R. I'd been thinking about this new variation on a TARDIS, so
>I wasn't completely surprised that Nyssa's was so equipped.
>D. But TARDIS's aren't real in your universe at all.

NUMBER ONE (F): [shrugs] Neither is Madonna's acting
ability, but that doesn't stop people from talking about it.

>R. Maybe that's why the one I encountered came with
>something extra.
>D. No, I think we will find that cause and effect are lurking
>behind this somewhere.

DIANE: They're out there, they just don't post very often.

HELEN: (to DIANE) You're so cute when you make computer
geek puns.

>N. Maybe we can use this TARDIS to find out more about its
>own origins. What were you doing before we arrived?
>D. Just strolling about, throwing a few stones.

NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) 'Cause, you know, I don't live in
a glass house, or anything...

>(He picks one up and throws it so that it is spinning very fast in
>a plane perpendicular to the calm water. When it hits the
>surface, it floommphs rather than splashes.

DIANE: Cool. Zen tedium.

>Dave is overjoyed to discover he has something so trivial in
>common with the Doctor.)

HELEN: Dave needs to get out more.

>R. You floommph rocks!

NYSSA: (Doctor, insulted) Oh, yeah?! Well, you molest

>D. Hmmm? Oh, the sound. A nice bit of physics.
>R. It reminds me of the sound a good diver makes

HELEN: You mean _this_? [makes various slurping noises]

DIANE: (to HELEN) I would pay _so_ much money to have
you spayed.

>when he makes a rip entry through the surface.

NYSSA: (brightly) I did that to Adric's abdomen one time, with
a gardening trowel! It was cool, until his spleen squirted on my
frock and got the hem all sticky.

>(He throws a stone that also floommphs.)
>R. I find that it works with both overhand and underhand
>(He does whichever he and the Doctor didn't do above.)

DIANE: You know, as I sit here, trapped in orbit, alongside a
bloodthirsty psycho, a redneck hermaphrodite, and Bimbo the
Bondage Clown, watching some fanboy talk about rock-throwing
techniques, I suddenly realize something... (shouting) MY LIFE
SUCKS! [starts crying] This is Hell! This is punishment for
my sins in a past life! I'm at rock-bottom! WAAAAH!

HELEN: (to DIANE, soothingly) There, there...

DIANE: [cries harder] WAAAAAHH!

NYSSA: (to DIANE, sternly) Pull yourself together, woman!
No matter how bad you think you may have it, there are always
people who have it worse. So, straighten up and be a _woman_,

DIANE: (to NYSSA) Worse?! Who could have it worse?

NYSSA: (to DIANE) Me, for instance. I am not only stuck in
the same situation, but I'm in it with _you_. At least you have
the advantage of better company.

NUMBER ONE (F): (to NYSSA) Er, I don't really think that's
going to help... (to DIANE) Look, I'll tell you how it could
be worse. Just imagine: you're a poor Somali farmer. What
little food you've been able to grow has been stolen by a gang
of thugs. Your family are all desperately sick. You try to walk
to the nearest UN aid station, but you are hit by a truck and
break both your legs. You drag yourself pitifully down the
road, baking in the sun and desperate for water. Suddenly, a
pack of wild dogs notices you and they all rush over to eat you
alive. Then, just before the lead dog rips your guts out, he looks
up at you and says, 'By the way, before we eat you, how about
you read this fanfic we wrote?' _That_ would be worse.

DIANE: [sniffles] (to NUMBER ONE (F)) I guess you're right.
Although, if you hadn't said the bit about getting hit by a truck,
I'd still have to argue the point...

>D. I never tried that variation.

HELEN: (Doctor) I didn't think the bed could handle the
weight of an entire hockey team in full kit.

>(But he promptly does.)
>(Nyssa is a little surprised at this exchange. Her she has
>brought together two people who are of fundamentally different

NUMBER ONE (F): The Doctor is a Pisces and Dave is a

>and they are exchanging floommphing secrets like old friends.
>What else can she do but pick up a rock and try to floommph

ALL: [raise hands] (eagerly) Ooh! I know the answer! Pick
me! Pick me!

>D. It has to hit the surface spinning very fast and cut through it
>like a knife.

NYSSA: I call no Bryan Adams songs.

>(She tries again and her second attempt is a true floommph.)

NYSSA: I think I'd watch telling people that they'd made a 'true

>(The scene ends with the three of them floommphing rocks.)

NUMBER ONE (F): Until the EPA comes in and fines them all
for damaging a Protected Wetlands Area...

> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

HELEN: ...and on _this_ chart, we see the effects of the
continued use of Viagra...

>SCENE 4: The Doctor's TARDIS, the control room

DIANE: [takes a deep breath]

NUMBER ONE (F): (hurriedly) I call no singing 'Doctorin' the

DIANE: [sighs and closes mouth]

>(Dave is looking at everything avidly. He walks around the
>console, looking at the rotor, the controls, the viewscreen.)

NUMBER ONE (F): (Dave) Hah! I know those Easter Eggs are
around here someplace!

>R. It's incredible to actually be here. To see THE TARDIS
>from inside and know that it isn't a set.
>D. I find it a thoroughly amazing..
>N. Why, Doctor?

ALL: (Mouseketeers) Because we like you! M-O-U-S-E!

>D. To you, we're fiction come to life. To us, you're the
>manifestation of an omniscient storyteller.

NUMBER ONE (F): (Dave, strutting) Uh-huh! That's right!
Who's the God-boy? Who's the God-boy?

>You've seen my adventures and know them as accurately as the
>Matrix. There are things you know about us that the Matrix
>doesn't know.

NYSSA: (to OTHERS) It's a shame none of us saw that 'Matrix'
movie, or we'd probably have some pretty good lines for this.

>N. I'm glad he knows what he knows about me. He
>understands me without having to be told.

HELEN: (Nyssa) For instance, when I crook my finger at him,
he knows that means that it's time to play 'Spank the Traken'.

>D. I suppose there would be benefits as well.
>N. What are you worried about?

DIANE: (singing) It takes a worried man/To sing a worried

HELEN: [scowls and whaps DIANE on the head]

DIANE: Oww! (to HELEN) What'd you do that for?

HELEN: (to DIANE) That's for giving me Piers Anthony

NYSSA: (impressed) Whoa! Obscure!

>D. Does his universe predetermine ours or is does it simply
>observe ours? Are we a figment of his imagination?

NYSSA: You know, we could, and perhaps should, ask our-
selves the same question. I mean, does it not seem sometimes
as if we are just here for the amusement of some higher power?
A higher power that has so little of a real life that it spends its
time finding increasingly ridiculous situations in which to put

DIANE: (to NYSSA) So, you're theorizing that we may be
nothing more than figments of some loser's imagination? Like...
like characters in a bad fanfic?

NYSSA: Worse, actually. Our lives are spent reading _other_
people's fanfic, so this theoretical higher being would not be
even so creative as a fan writer. He'd be more like a parodist.
The literary equivalent of a plague-carrying rat. He would be
the lowest of the low, and by extension, we would be, too.

NUMBER ONE (F): (thoughtfully) So, our lives might well be
in the hands of some smart-assed loser who makes fun of fanfic
because he can't get a date?

HELEN: (to NYSSA, frightened) Do you... really think that's
what we are?

NYSSA: (cheerfully) Of course not! I was just pulling your
chains! [laughs] Honestly, you lot will believe _anything_,
won't you?

>R. I couldn't be here if TARDIS's weren't real. A TARDIS
>entered my universe. Nyssa says that it wasn't one from this
>particular universe, but that just means there are other
>independent time streams besides mine and yours.
>N. And anyhow, we're forgetting that there was a David
>Ramsey in our universe which met a slightly different me.

DIANE: (Nyssa, nervously) So, see, it was that, uh, _other_
Nyssa from a parallel universe who got all squiffy and danced
a nude mambo in front of the Queen Mother that time, not me.

>The rest of me came from a third universe with the different
>TARDIS. Then all three of us came together

HELEN: I must say, I admire their timing ability. Simultaneous
orgasm is difficult enough with just two...

>-- the two Daves from the first and second streams,

NUMBER ONE (F): [looks ill] Bleah. After Helen's last
comment, that there is an image I could've happily done without.

>and the Nyssa and her TARDIS from the second and third
>R. I wonder if the other two time streams continue to exist or if
>the entire streams merged?

DIANE: They did, and formed a mighty river! A veritable Tigris
and Euphrates of stultification!

NYSSA: (to DIANE) Hey! I'm supposed to have all the intell-
ectual-sounding lines!

DIANE: (to NYSSA) Live with it, bee-yotch.

>D. I should think that it was only portions which merged.
>Nothing happened to me or to the rest of this universe.

NUMBER ONE (F): ...since I've been in this fanfic series. The
whole time, it's been one big goose egg. [sighs]

>R. It's sort of a knotty problem.

HELEN: Ooh! I like naughty problems! Like this one time, my
friend Rosanna got this carrot stuck--

NYSSA: (interrupting) Ahem! That's 'knotty', Helen, not

HELEN: Oh. Well, those are fun, too. Like the time this rock
band tied me to their piano and I couldn't get loose after we were
done, so I--

NYSSA: (interrupting) Yes, yes. Um, why don't you save that
story for later? You can tell it to Diane!

DIANE: (to NYSSA) Eat piping-hot, all-natural, sugar-free
death, weasel-girl.

>We could check though, to see if my universe is still present.

NYSSA: Okay. Let's x-ray your skull, then.

>We have Nyssa's TARDIS, after all.
>N. Let's try it. Are you going to come with us, Doctor?

NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) No. I think I'll just stay here and
pray for your gruesome deaths.

>D. Only if you promise not to introduce me to myself.
> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

DIANE: You must be at least _this_ tall to ride...

>SCENE 5: The Doctor, Nyssa and Dave in Nyssa's TARDIS
>(Dave is working at one console with the Doctor close at hand,

HELEN: (Dave, seductively) Doctor, I've never felt this close to
you before...

>and Nyssa is standing on the opposite side doing other things.)

NUMBER ONE (F): (indignantly) What? Oh, come on! At
least have enough respect for us readers to throw in some
technobabble or something! After that dissertation on rock-
throwing, I know you could do it!

>D. What an interesting set of controls. How do you know how
>to use them?

HELEN: (Dave) 'Cause I'm the God-boy. Any other questions?

>R. Have you ever picked up something and discovered that you
>just had the knack for it? I have an intuitive understanding. I
>know that this bank of controls affects our position along the
>imaginary axis. This lever controls stability,

DIANE: Nyssa needs one of those.

>this one starts an automatic search for a place of interest,

NUMBER ONE (F): Useless in this fanfic, then.

>and so on.
>(He activates the last one.)

NYSSA: Whereupon the TARDIS instantly explodes, killing all
three instantly. It seems he'd hit the 'Self Destruct' button by
mistake. The end.

HELEN: (to NYSSA) Dream on...

>N. I pointed him to that console and he got us back here as if
>he'd been doing it all his life.

HELEN: ...when in fact, he's never 'done it' at all.

>R. It's spooky. I shouldn't know what I'm doing, but I do.

DIANE: So, he's sort of an idiot-savant?

NUMBER ONE (F): I don't know about 'savant'...

NYSSA: (Dave, as Dustin Hoffman) Gotta get back in time to
see Judge Wapner. Definitely Wapner...

>D. It's as much a mystery as how the second Nyssa came

HELEN: With Dave as a partner, it is _definitely_ a mystery.

>from the third stream into the first and met you without
>knowing how to use the controls.

DIANE: (author) Mystery, plot hole... [shrugs] Who's gonna

>R. Well, we're on course for my stream. Nyssa has tied

HELEN: up on several occasions. [sighs] (normal voice)
If only that were true for me...

NYSSA: (to HELEN) Well, if you'd like to help me with some
of my medical experiments, some of them require the vict-- er,
patient to be restrained.

HELEN: [pales] Aheh heh. That's okay. I like my limbs where
they are.

>in the time controls so that this board will direct the TARDIS to
>the place I have in mind.

NUMBER ONE (F): (announcer) The part of the TARDIS
navigator will now be played by a yellow pine two-by-six.

>It will be several hours. Would either of you be interested if I
>go down

HELEN: [raises hand] I would! I would!

>the kitchen and whip

HELEN: [wiggling enthusiastically] I really, really would!

>together a pizza or something?
>D. Pizza?

DIANE: (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle) Pizza! Radical, dude!

>N. You know what a pizza is! Please, Dave.
>R. OK
>(He leaves.)

DIANE: Hmmm... (to NYSSA) Please, Nyssa.

NYSSA: (to DIANE) What?

DIANE: (to NYSSA) Damn. You were supposed to say 'OK'
and then leave. I should've known it couldn't be that easy.

>D. He's an interesting individual, a bit hard to read.

NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) Do you have a large-print

>N. He's a private person. I met him in the most vulnerable way
>he's ever met anyone,

HELEN: Naked and sitting on the toilet?

>and I've seen parts of him he scarcely dares to write about in
>notes to himself.

HELEN: Ah. Seems I was right, then.

>D. I've seen enough to understand your affection for him.
>Does he...?

DIANE: ...snore?

HELEN: cookies in bed?

NUMBER ONE (F): ...cry during soap operas?

NYSSA: ...sing Petula Clark songs in the shower?

>N. I know it hasn't shown up much, but he's as fond of me as I
>am of him. Both of us are a bit unsure how to act.

DIANE: A problem that, for Nyssa, persists to this day.

NYSSA: (to DIANE) Consume solid excreta and cease all
metabolic processes, female-gendered canine.

>D. That's understandable.
> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NUMBER ONE (F): (historian) Here, we see Nelson's original,
simpler plan for the Battle of Trafalgar...

[The screen fades out and the lights come back on.]

TEGAN: You can all have a ten-minute break, now.

ALL: All right! Yay! Wai!

[All four get up and leave the theater]

[Door sequence: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...]

Notes - Part Two

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