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[SOL bridge interior] [The photography equipment has all been removed, and DIANE stands behind the console, looking thoughtful. After a moment, NUMBER ONE (F) enters from the right, looking for something.] NUMBER ONE (F): (to DIANE) Hey, riot grrl. You seen my lighter anywhere? DIANE: Don't you have it with you? NUMBER ONE (F): [gestures at outfit] Where would I keep it? DIANE: I haven't seen it. [NUMBER ONE (F) grunts and resumes looking for her lighter. After a moment, she exits to the left. DIANE watches her.] DIANE: Hmmmm... [HELEN enters from the right] HELEN: (to DIANE) What're you up to? DIANE: Evil thoughts. Terrible, evil thoughts. HELEN: How evil? DIANE: [grins] Well, you see how tight that bikini is on poor Number One's butt, right? HELEN: (dreamily) Oh, yes... DIANE: I was just thinking about how much tighter they'd be if she was in male form. HELEN: (dreamily) Oh yes... [starts] Oh, no. It'd be like an atomic wedgie! DIANE: Indeed. I was also thinking about how much aggression I have bottled up in me right about now, and also about how I just happen to have this cup of hot tea. [holds up teacup] HELEN: You wouldn't... Would you? DIANE: I might just... NUMBER ONE (F): (off-screen) Damn it! Where's that stupid lighter? [NYSSA enters from the right, carrying an electronic device with an antenna sticking out of it.] NYSSA: (to self) Just a little more power... Hah! DIANE: (to NYSSA) What's that? NYSSA: I'm trying to block Tegan's signal. This jammer won't hold up for long, but maybe we can get a message to Adric. Right now, he's the lesser of two weasels. [adjusts device] I think that will do it! [A light on the console begins to flash.] NYSSA: All right! With any luck, that will be Groucho, Harpo, and Chico calling instead of the Trenchcoat Brigade. [presses light] ---- [TTR back room interior] [The picture is a bit staticky, but visible. ADRIC is behind the console, furiously working the controls, while FRANCOIS is operating another console in the background.] ADRIC: (to FRANCOIS) I need... more... power! FRANCOIS: Francois giving all can take! Equipment not take much more of such! ---- [SOL] NYSSA: Oi! Captain Jerk and Mr. Snot! Look here! ---- [TTR] ADRIC: Hah! I've finally broken through! What's going on up there? ---- [SOL] NYSSA: No, I broke through. And Tegan is taking over your show and making us read a Woon-fic. Life sucks. ---- [TTR] ADRIC: Taking over? We'll just see about that! You are _mine_ to torment, and no one else's! ---- [SOL] NYSSA: (deadpan) I feel so loved. ---- [TTR] ADRIC: I'll soon have this back under proper control! No bit of loudmouthed eye-candy is going to beat _me_! [The screen dissolves to static again.] ---- [SOL] [The device in NYSSA's hands is smoldering slightly.] NYSSA: Poopie. HELEN: Well, that was helpful. NYSSA: Tegan's flipped, Adric's beyond flipped, and we're not getting to read 'Iris'. It's safe to say that I'm rather ticked. I think I'll go run a Teletubby through the garbage disposal. [exits to the right] HELEN: So _that's_ why she bought those dolls. DIANE: [looking off to the left] I don't have any Teletubbies. I guess I'll have to do the next best thing. Hey, One! NUMBER ONE (F): (off-screen) Yeah? [DIANE throws her cup of tea off to the left. A moment later, NUMBER ONE screams in pain in a very high-pitched male voice.] DIANE: I feel better, but that is _not_ a pretty sight. HELEN: Good Goddess! If he tries to walk, he'll cut himself in half! DIANE: There are wedgies, and then there are _wedgies_. I feel a _lot_ better. NUMBER ONE: (off-screen, high-pitched) You she-dog! What did you do that for?! [Various alarms, lights, and sirens go off.] DIANE: Uh-oh! Fanfic sign! [runs off] HELEN: [looking left] Uh, can I get you anything, sweetie? NUMBER ONE: (off-screen, high-pitched) Either some cold water or a crowbar! Oww! ---- [Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] ---- [SOL Theater interior] [All four enter the theater as usual and take their accustomed seats.] NUMBER ONE (F): (to DIANE) You're going to pay for that. Trust me on that. You will pay. DIANE: [smirks] Like the duck said, just put it on my bill. > > >SCENE 6: Several hours later > HELEN: (whiny kid) Are we there yet? DIANE: (whiny kid) How much further is it? HELEN: (whiny kid) Are we there yet? NYSSA: (whiny kid) I have to go to the bathroom. HELEN: (whiny kid) Are we there yet? NUMBER ONE (F): (angry Dad) If you three don't shut up, I'll turn this fanfic around and we'll go right back to Scene 1! >R. We should be ready to materialise. Don't become visible or >there will be what you might call a "fine how-do-you-do". DIANE: Or, worse still, a 'reasonably nice pleased-to-meet-you'. > >D. Where are we landing? > >R. England, about ten years before I left Earth. HELEN: Let's see, that'd be... 1980? (shocked) Oh, Goddess...! NYSSA: (to HELEN, worried) What? What is it? HELEN: Could they be going back into the past to try and prevent the death of Disco? NUMBER ONE (F): (grimly) They must be stopped! > >(The TARDIS lands, but the spatial rotor stays in motion NUMBER ONE (F): The TARDIS is dieseling. Don't you hate that? NYSSA: (grumpily) I knew I shouldn't have filled it up with that cheap Sontaran petrol... >to indicate that it isn't quite within the time stream.) > >R. Turn on the viewscreen. DIANE: (singing) Let it shine wherever you go/Let it make a happy glow... [The OTHERS begin viciously and repeatedly whapping DIANE on the head.] OTHERS: (shouting) No Neil Diamond! DIANE: OWW! OWOWWOW!! OUCH! Okay! Okay! > >(It comes to life and shows that they have arrived during the >filming of HELEN: ...'Debbie Does Devonshire'. > "The Black Orchid." We are near the large English home used >during the filming.) NYSSA: [covers face] Oh, dear Keeper, no... NUMBER ONE (F): [pulls out a rope and begins tying it into a hangman's noose] Goodbye, cruel world... DIANE: [begins crying and banging her head on the back of her seat] HELEN: (shocked) There hasn't been this much fanwank since somebody tacked up those Katy Manning pictures in the Con- vention men's room... DIANE: [still crying, whaps HELEN on the head] > >N. It's us! NUMBER ONE (F): (Pogo Possum) We have met th' enemy! > >D. Fascinating. > >(We see the cameras and crew, as well as the entire regular >cast.) > >D. No, Nyssa, it isn't us. DIANE: [sniffles] (Doctor) Us is us and them is them. HELEN: (singing) And after all/We're only ordinary men... > >R. You're right. NYSSA: (Doctor) No, according to the NAs, I'm somewhere just to the left of Rosa Luxemburg. >In my world, Nyssa was played by an actress named Sarah >Sutton, NUMBER ONE (F): [bows repeatedly] NYSSA: (offended) What? What a common, everyday name for someone who's supposed to be _me_! I should be played by someone with a stylish name, like... I don't know... HELEN: (to NYSSA) Rachel Weisz? NYSSA: No, no. Something with more flair, like... DIANE: (to NYSSA) Ellen DeGeneres? NYSSA: No, she'd be playing you. I know! (grandly) Lilliana von Schlosstein! NUMBER ONE (F): (to NYSSA) Who's that? NYSSA: [shrugs] I've no idea. I just like that name. >and that Doctor is Peter Davison. DIANE: [bows repeatedly] HELEN: (to DIANE) Fangirl. DIANE: (to HELEN) You bet your bippy. >Adric is Matthew Waterhouse NUMBER ONE (F): [makes various warding gestures] NYSSA: [sneers] Watercloset. What a perfect name for some- one who'd want to play Adric. DIANE: [gets up and whaps NYSSA on the head] Infidel! >and Tegan is Janet Fielding. TEGAN (Voice-Over): (threateningly) I think I'd consider my words _very_ carefully right about now... ALL: [look at each other and shrug sheepishly] > >N. On that trip I met a girl who looked just like me... DIANE: Odd, isn't it, that none of Nyssa's crazed pervert fan- boys have written a Nyssa/Ann Talbot slash-fic... [NUMBER ONE (F) gets a look of sudden revelation and pulls out a small notepad. As she starts writing, NYSSA notices and punches her out of her seat.] NUMBER ONE (F): (to NYSSA, from floor) A thousand pardons, my lovely and wondrous goddess... NYSSA: [kicks NUMBER ONE (F)] Pervert. [kicks again] Hentai. [kicks again] Sicko. NUMBER ONE (F): (from floor) I'm guilty! I beg forgiveness for my transgression! It was a moment of weakness! NYSSA: [thinks] Weellll... I'll forgive you, if you'll help me with some of my experiments later. NUMBER ONE (F): [climbs back into seat] As you command! Anything you want! HELEN: [points at NUMBER ONE (F) and makes whipping motions] Meow! Meow! DIANE: [laughs and shakes head] > >R. Sarah Sutton played both roles. NYSSA: I wonder, did she lobotomize herself for the role of Ann, or did she just use method acting and some horse tranquil- izers? > >D. This isn't the same as meeting oneself. But it's close. > >N. I understand now why you find all this disconcerting, >Doctor. DIANE: (Nyssa) In fact, it's downright discombobulating! > >D. I wonder what would happen if we did materialise. > >R. Do you think there would be any harm? > >D. Only if Nyssa herself went out. DIANE: That's always a good rule-of-thumb. There's less chance of mindless violence if you keep the nutso Traken put up. NYSSA: (to DIANE, sweetly) Yes, and might I remind you, dear heart, that I'm not put up right _now_... >They wouldn't recognize you or me. HELEN: ...no matter what _Robert's Rules of Order_ might say. OTHERS: [look at HELEN] HELEN: (defensively) What? I can do intellectual stuff, too. > >R. Nyssa, have us materialize so that we can walk on the NUMBER ONE (F): ...wild side. ALL: (singing) Dootoodoo doo doo/Dootoodoo doo toodoo/ Toodoo dootoodoo... >set without them seeing your TARDIS. > >(She does so. Her TARDIS appears, but out of current sight. It >looks very much like a large case HELEN: ...of chlamydia. DIANE and NYSSA: Eeeeww! [whap HELEN on the head] >used for packing HELEN: ...fud-- Mmmph! NUMBER ONE (F): [puts hand over HELEN's mouth] >cameras or other equipment.) > >N. I wish I could come along. NUMBER ONE (F): (Dave, as child) Well, you _can't_, 'cause you're a icky _girl_! DIANE: (Doctor, as child) Nyssa's got cooties! Nyssa's got cooties! > >D. You would be too hard to explain. HELEN: (dismissively) Feh. Lawrence Miles could do it. Blindfolded, even. NYSSA: (to HELEN) You mean he doesn't write _everything_ that way? > >R. We can go forward in time and show up after the date when >Sarah Sutton left the show. NUMBER ONE (F): (somberly) The beginning of the Age of Darkness... >They'll mistake you for her, but no one will suspect the truth. DIANE: ...that you actually _can_ have your cake and eat it, too. NYSSA: (announcer) The preceding riff was brought to you by the 'Little Debbie' Corporation. > >(Dave and the Doctor NUMBER ONE (F): That sounds _so_ much like a 'Cheech and Chong' skit. DIANE: (Cheech Marin, whispering) Hey, man, open up. It's me, Dave. I got the stuff. Lemme in, man, there's cops all over the place. HELEN: (Tommy Chong, loudly) Who? DIANE: (Cheech Marin, whispering) It's Dave. HELEN: (Tommy Chong, loudly) Dave's not here, man! >exit and are shown leaving the open case. They move up to NUMBER ONE (F): (singing) ...the East Side!/To a dee-luxe apartment/In the sky-y-y! >where they can unobtrusively watch the filming. The current >Doctor NUMBER ONE (F): (eagerly) ...meets up with Current Companion in a touching, poignant reunion? NYSSA: [whaps NUMBER ONE (F) on the head] That was _five_ episodes ago! Get over it, already! >[the real one], DIANE: The Evander Holyfield Doctor? NUMBER ONE (F): (to DIANE) You're thinking of the 'Real Deal'. >by the way, has returned to wearing fairly undramatic >clothing.) HELEN: A halter-top, puttees, flip-flops, and a burlap thong. > >(After a bit, the actors take a break. John Nathan-Turner >wanders off with Matthew Waterhouse NUMBER ONE (F): (triumphantly) AH-HAH! I friggin' _knew_ it! The rumors were all true! DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F), defensively) Hey, now! You can't imply-- NUMBER ONE (F): (to DIANE) 'Imply', Hell! [points at screen] It's right there in black-and-white, so just butch it up and deal with it, girlie! DIANE: [sulks angrily] >and Janet Fielding. DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Hah! See, there? It's _not_ what you think! NUMBER ONE (F): (to DIANE) Sure it is. After all, _somebody_ has to be the butch one, right? DIANE: [resumes sulking] >The Doctor marches right up to Peter Davison and Sarah >Sutton. HELEN: (Doctor) I say, would you two like to join me in some close-order drill? Hup-two-three-four... >We see that Dave is a bit DIANE: ...dim? HELEN: ...wussy? NUMBER ONE (F): ...spastic? NYSSA: ...of a schlemiel? >concerned about what the Doctor might say.) ALL: That, too. > >D. Hello, Mr. Davison, Miss Sutton. > HELEN: ...Mr. Moto, Miss Marple. DIANE: ...Mr. T, Miss Moneypenny. NYSSA: ...Mr. Greene, Miss Scarlett. NUMBER ONE (F): ...Mr. Completely, Miss Issippi. DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) 'Mr. Completely'? NUMBER ONE (F): Yeah. The guy who wrote _Holes in the Mattress_. [grins] OTHERS: [groan in pain and throw popcorn at NUMBER ONE] > >(He shakes their hands, although they are a bit wary. Who is >this odd stranger who has shown up out of nowhere.) ALL: Yes, quite! > >R. Umm.... NYSSA: I swear, that boy picks the most awkward times to meditate... > >D. Excuse me, this is my assistant, David Ramsey. > >R. I'm not sure this was such a good idea. NUMBER ONE (F): At last, the author begins to realize what he's done. > >D. Nonsense. DIANE: A story synopsis already? >(To the actors.) HELEN: (Doctor) 'All the world's indeed a stage, and we are merely players.' NYSSA: (to HELEN) Shakespeare? Voltaire? Francis Bacon? HELEN: (to NYSSA) [shakes head] Geddy Lee. >David suggested that we introduce ourselves, but he would >never have done it without me. NYSSA: Yes, I can see how it would have been difficult for Dave to introduce himself and the Doctor if the Doctor wasn't there. > >P. And you are? NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) Yes, because I think. That's assuming that Descartes is correct, of course. > >D. I'm the Doctor, of course. > >R. Oh, no! > >(Davison and Miss Sutton react as anyone would, DIANE: They kick him in the shin and demand to know why he dumped Sarah Jane like that? >especially considering the occasional slightly batty individual >who inevitably shows up where a show like "Doctor Who" is >involved. HELEN: Like Pip Baker, you mean? >They are on the verge of calling for assistance in having the >intruders removed.) NYSSA: (Sutton, as Queen of Hearts) Guards! Off with their heads! > >R. Think fast, Doctor. > >D. Ah...yes. As I recall, in the context of what you would call >this "story", you prevented yourself from being arrested by >showing the local constabulary DIANE: ...how to do the Macarena. >your TARDIS. > >S. And yours... HELEN: No, no dear. That's 'up', not 'and'. > >D. Right around there (pointing). NUMBER ONE (F): (Dave) Oww! My eye! > >P. It would be interesting if true. > DIANE: (to HELEN) Help me out, here. Is that an example of typical British understatement, or merely a case of blah dialogue? HELEN: (to DIANE) I think you knew the answer before you asked, darling. >(The two actors wander over to the case and all four enter one >by one.) NUMBER ONE (F): (Coleridge) One after one, by the star- dogged moon/Too quick for groan or sigh/Each turned his face with a ghastly pang/And cursed me with his eye... NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) I'm impressed. I didn't think you knew poetry that well. DIANE: (to NYSSA) Don't be. She got it from an Iron Maiden song. > >(We flash inside to see Sarah Sutton seeing the real Nyssa.) > >S. Oh, my. DIANE: (Sutton, horrified) I'm going to age _that_ badly?! Aaaah! NYSSA: (to DIANE, growling) Eat my shorts, hussy-bitch. HELEN: (to NYSSA, breathlessly) Ooh, I love it when you talk dirty like that... > >N. Goodness. > >P. It really is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside! HELEN: [shakes head] Too easy. DIANE: (to HELEN) Like you? HELEN: (to DIANE) Why don't you find out for yourself, dar- ling? [licks lips] > >(The two Nyssa's approach close enough to touch hands.) NYSSA: (to OTHERS) And that is _all_, you perverts. Just hands. So, don't even start. OTHERS: [smirk] > >P. I never dreamed that we were imitating reality. > >D. Not quite imitating. NYSSA: (Doctor) That would, after all, imply a degree of acting ability... NUMBER ONE (F): (to NYSSA) You are gonna get flamed to an absolute _crisp_ for that, you realize. >Apparently, my life and the fictional one you are portraying >have essentially the same details. HELEN: (Doctor) In my Universe, the Frogstar Fighters are green. Apart from that, though... > >P. If I'm the fifth Doctor, then which one are you? Something >out of the future, I suppose? > >D. I'm the eighth one. > >P. Eighth. NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) Shhh! Keep it down! If the PMEB find out that I'm here... HELEN: Foolish man. We have eyes _everywhere_! >So you actually once looked just like myself? > NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) Yes, although I must say I always thought I was a bit more butch than this. DIANE: [whaps NUMBER ONE (F) on the head] >D. As much as Nyssa and your Miss Sutton resemble one >another. HELEN: (Davison) Really? Does Nyssa have a cute little birth- mark on her inner thigh like Sarah does? NYSSA: [clamps legs together] (to HELEN, angrily) Have you been peeking?! > >(The likeness is exact except for the age difference, of course.) > >S. Peter, this isn't all insanity is it? NUMBER ONE (F): [points at screen] Typo. There's not supposed to be an 's' in 'inanity'. > >P. I don't think so. > >N. We're quite real. The Doctor and I happen to come from an >alternative reality. David is from yours. NYSSA: So, don't go blaming _us_ for him. > >P. From where? You sounded American. > >R. I am. Actually, if this is 1982, then there is another one of >me over there right now studying metallurgy at a school in the >state of Michigan. NUMBER ONE (F): Finally moving up to the Bronze Age, are they? > >P. Then you're from the future and they're from a different >reality? > DIANE: (Dave, sarcastically) Gee, you know, I really am getting absent-minded, 'cause I could have sworn that I just told you that. >R. Yes. I won't see any of Doctor Who for about six more >years, then I'll see about 20 year's worth in the course of two >real years. I'm a great fan. NYSSA: (Kathy Bates) I'm your biggest fan! Now, where's my sledgehammer? DIANE: (to NYSSA) Gonna put 'em out of their _Misery_? HELEN: [whaps DIANE on the head] >I think I enjoyed your protrayal of the Doctor the most, and that >includes the men who will follow you as well as Hartnell, >Troughton, Pertwee and Tom Baker. I also liked Sarah Sutton >as Nyssa, and missed her quite a bit when she left the show. NYSSA: Well, if she looked like _me_, she should've had no problems attaining marvellous heights with her acting career. Within 20 years, her name should be a household word. DIANE: [grins evilly] (to NYSSA) Look out, there's a sharp learning curve ahead of you... > >P. Well, thank you. > NUMBER ONE (F): (Dave) Pond, you're welcome. >S. The two of you are the Doctor's companions? HELEN: (Nyssa) That would be the modern, PC term for it. In the old days, 'concubines' would've been more accurate. > >D. No, they're travelling separately. This is actually Nyssa's >TARDIS. > >P. How can that be? > >N. I've become a Time Lord. DIANE: (Nyssa) I wanted to be a Time _Lady_, but they said they had a Federal Directive on Proportional Gender Represent- ation. At least I can pee from a moving vehicle, now... > >P. You know, this is an awful much for someone to absorb all >at once. NUMBER ONE (F): Peter Davison, actor and part-time amoeba. > >D. Mr. Davison, I agree. > >R. You see, they're as shocked to meet their counterparts as >you are. NYSSA: Shocked, appalled, same thing. [shrugs] > >P. I don't suppose that we could travel with you for awhile? > NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) That depends on whether you can pony up for some gas, grass, or ass, man. Nobody rides for free, you know. >S. The Doctor being a companion to the Doctor? DIANE: (dreamily) I see a pretty-pretty slash-fic just up ahead... > >P. You have to admit it would help me to understand my role >better. > >R. You do very well already. HELEN: ...at making any role you play seem just like Tristan from 'All Creatures'. DIANE: (to HELEN, angrily) And what's so wrong with that!? > >D. I wouldn't want to alter your interpretation. > >P. Well, after this, I will certainly be able to play you with >more conviction. Sarah, we should get back to the set before >someone starts looking for us. HELEN: Now, why do I get the feeling that he's said that line to her many, many times before? > >S. We wouldn't want them to find us. HELEN: Now, why do I get the feeling that she's said that line to him many, many times before? DIANE: Hmmph. At least she has good taste. > >P. It was a pleasure to meet you, Doctor. NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor, as Barry White) It always is, baby... > >D. Likewise, Doctor. > >(They smile at each other and then the two actors depart. As >soon as they're outside, Nyssa activates DIANE: ...her Wonder Twin Powers. NYSSA: (Jana of the Wonder Twins) Form of... A YETI RIDING A BULL WHILE CARRYING AN EEL AND A CRANE! NUMBER ONE (F): [nods] I was wondering when somebody'd get around to another gratuitous Takahashi reference. >dematerialisation circuit. We see Peter Davison and Sarah >Sutton watching.) > >P. I suddenly feel incredible cheerful. HELEN: ...now that we're alone. Want to shag like mad weasels? >You don't suppose John would believe us.... > DIANE: Or, as JNT preferred to be called, 'Lady Joanna the Puppetmistress'. >(Sarah Sutton is shaking her head slowly. She is already >unsure NYSSA: ...whether her career can ever recover from her having appeared in this story. >she really saw the real TARDIS, Nyssa and Doctor.) > > > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIANE: (Chef Julia Child) Next, you chop the eel into sections, like this, then add the chocolate sauce... > >SCENE 7: Beta Orionsis 5, outside the TARDIS's NUMBER ONE (F): I've heard fans argue that 'Outside the TARDIS's' is actually titled 'Fanboy Cutaway'. HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) I thought it was 'Beyond the Sun'. NYSSA: I think that's enough in-jokes for now. > >R. I was concerned there for a moment when you admitted that >you were the Doctor. DIANE: (Dave) After all, in 1982 the statute of limitations had not yet run out on all those 'Indecent Exposure' charges you racked up. > >N. Anything could have happened. NUMBER ONE (F): But, this being 'Stories of Nyssa', it naturally didn't. > >D. If these people were playing us, they must believe in what >they're doing. NYSSA: I believe in consistent verb tenses. DIANE: (to NYSSA) Pedant. NYSSA: [nods] Yes, and a right sexy one, too. HELEN and NUMBER ONE (F): [nod enthusiastically] >At least a little bit or they wouldn't want to pretend to be me >and you. DIANE: If only they knew... > >N. They'll believe it a little bit more now. > >D. David, I don't suppose you could build me the proper >circuitry to convert my TARDIS to add this capability? I can >think of dozens of imaginary circumstances I'd love to >investigate. NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor, thinking) First, a stop in 'Ranma 1/2', where I kick Ranma's ass and boink Ukyou. Then, on to 'Sailor Moon', where I kick Mamoru's ass and boink Usagi. And Rei. And Makoto. Then, I go to 'Tenchi Muyo' and kick Tenchi's ass and boink Mihoshi. Then... HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Are those supposed to be the Doctor's thoughts, or are you just giving a plot synopsis of a typical anime fanfic? > >R. Sorry. I haven't any idea of the physics involved. > >D. Maybe it's better this way. If you do work it out, let me >know. HELEN: Just do what the constipated mathematician did. OTHERS: [look at HELEN] Eh? HELEN: He worked it out with a pencil! OTHERS: [groan and throw food at HELEN] > >(The Doctor says good bye to Nyssa and shakes Dave's hand. >then enters his TARDIS and dematerialises.) NYSSA: Professional-quality prose, that is. Terrance Dicks might have written it... and probably did. > > > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > NYSSA: So, Lorena Bobbitt got a little bored... > >SCENE 8: The Amalgam Pub, the Amalgams of the Doctor >and Rassilon DIANE: ...are snogging in the corner. NUMBER ONE (F): Yuck... DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Hmmph. Why is it that talking about two _women_ doing that is okay with you, but two guys isn't? Kind of inconsistent. NUMBER ONE (F): (quickly) That's different. NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) How is it different? NUMBER ONE (F): (confused) Because it's... it's _men_... I mean... ah... HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Yeeeeesss...? NUMBER ONE (F): (confused) It's... you know... different. Women are... you know... sort of, umm... And men aren't... HELEN: You're so adorable when you squirm. NUMBER ONE (F): (confused) I guess it's because I, uh... that is... DIANE: Because you're a male-chauvinist weasel? NUMBER ONE (F): [shrugs] Yeah. That works for me. > >D. The Doctor, Nyssa and Dave have all crossed to Dave's >universe DIANE: (announcer) Starring Harry Anderson as Dave! NYSSA: (to DIANE) You're thinking of 'Dave's World'. NUMBER ONE (F): Yeah. But, wouldn't Dave Barry make a cooler companion for Nyssa than Dave Ramsey does? NYSSA: (thoughtfully) Well, I know our first trip would've been to perform the 'Tupperware Song' on the Planet of Giant Flaming Death Wombats... >and back. They visited the place where they were filming one >of the Doctor's earlier adventures. HELEN: (Doctor's Amalgam) Specifically, it was the place they were filming 'Emmanuelle XVII: Getting Some in Galveston'. >This is getting out of hand! NYSSA: (German Officer) Ve vill haf _order_! Ve vill haf _discipline_! Or I vill haf all of you _shot_ at sunrise! >He introduced himself and brought two actors into Nyssa's >TARDIS. > NUMBER ONE (F): (flatly) That wild, chaotic bastard. Lives right on the edge, he does. [yawns] >R. You're worried about the Doctor? I wonder if they have the >smallest glimmer of what it is they're playing around with. DIANE: (teenager) They could get, like, pregnant, or like, get VD and have to soak their nasty bits in buttermilk. HELEN: (to DIANE) [grins] I don't know where the Hell that came from, but I do so like how you think! > >D. Do you think it's dangerous? NYSSA: As the old Zen proverb says, 'Anything may be danger- ous to a man who talks to furniture.' HELEN: (to NYSSA, skeptically) Is that really a Zen proverb? NYSSA: (to HELEN) You can't prove that it isn't. > >R. I haven't a clue. DIANE: (Sherlock Holmes) Can't say that surprises me, Lestrade. >We have no facts upon which to base any reasonable >conjectures. NUMBER ONE (F): Obviously, he ain't a liberal, or that wouldn't even be an issue. >Perhaps Trefusis would know. HELEN: Isn't that what you get from eating bad pork? NYSSA: (to HELEN) That's 'trichinosis'. TEGAN (Voice-Over): For your information, Trefusis appeared in a previous story that you have not had the pleasure of reading. He is a mysterious extra-dimensional being who tends a store- house of artifacts known as the Attic of Eternity... DIANE: She's making that up. She _has_ to be making that up. TEGAN (Voice-Over): No such luck. Anyway, he is accompanied by a butler named Givens, who plays Jeeves to his Wooster. So, there. NYSSA: (stunned) Astonishing. Simply and utterly astonishing. NUMBER ONE (F): (to NYSSA) That someone would come up with an 'Attic of Eternity'? NYSSA: No. That Tegan has read P. G. Wodehouse. I mean, we're talking about _Tegan_, here... > >D. Do you think he would consult with us? DIANE: (Dogbert) I like to con people. And I like to insult people... I'm here to consult you! >He can be very stubborn about getting involved with anything >where he might overly determine the outcome. HELEN: Typical bloody mid-level management... > >R. We can only ask. > >D. Then we must find Givens and have him ask Trefusis to >consider coming by to chat. NUMBER ONE (F): (suddenly) F. U. Sister! DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F), angrily) Well, F you too, Jack! NUMBER ONE (F): No, no. It's an anagram. 'Trefusis' is an anagram for 'F. U. Sister'. NYSSA: Hmmm... And also for 'Fist User'. [smacks fist in hand] HELEN: (purring) And 'Sure Fits'. DIANE: And 'Serf Suit'. NUMBER ONE (F): (to OTHERS) Think there's a hidden meaning here? HELEN: Yes. It means we all need to get a life. > > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > DIANE: Oh, cool! It's the front wall of Les Nessman's office! HELEN: (to DIANE) Huh? What the Hell does that mean? NYSSA: (to HELEN) It means Diane's been watching way too much TV lately. > >SCENE 9: Nyssa's TARDIS, Dave and Nyssa DIANE: (little kid) ...sittin' in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! > >(Dave can be D. again.) NYSSA: (puzzled) He's actually a half-vampire swordsman from the 71st Century? NUMBER ONE (F): (Vampire Hunter D) Doris, Count Lee has only one vulnerability that you can exploit. When the Full Moon turns red, a properly-floommphed rock can pierce his heart... DIANE: (dreamily) ...D-sama... > >N. Where are we going to go now? ALL: We're goin' to _Disneyland_! > >D. I thought we'd try to find another parallel universe. > HELEN: Why not a perpendicular universe? DIANE: That last one wasn't parallel, it was more like an obtuse angle. >N. What sort of place? > >D. Perhaps another television series from my world. NYSSA: Okay. We can go to 'Full House', as long as we stop and buy a 12-gauge first. >Actually, I'm divided between stepping in on "Star Trek" NUMBER ONE (F): (sourly) Anyone who didn't see that one coming deserves a butt-whipping. HELEN: _I_ didn't expect it. NUMBER ONE (F): (to HELEN) Really? HELEN: Okay, actually, I'm lying. I just like butt-whippings. [grins] >or "Remington Steele." > >N. Why more television? NYSSA: (snottily) Don't you ever _read_? NUMBER ONE (F): (to NYSSA, quietly) He's from Michigan... > >D. I don't know. It doesn't really matter. HELEN: (Dave) Anyone can see. Nothing really matters... to me. DIANE: Ladies and gentlemen, a moment of silence for the late, great Freddie Mercury, please... ALL: [bow heads] >Is there some place you want to go? > >N. No, not really. NYSSA: As long as I've got you, every place is like the fiery pits of eternal damnation. > >(Dave disappears.) ALL: [stare at screen for a moment, then applaud] NUMBER ONE (F): (singing) HALLELUJAH! NYSSA: Can I really be this fortunate? Is life suddenly worth living again? [wipes away tears of joy] DIANE: [throws confetti and blows a party horn] HELEN: I may have just found religion... > >N. Dave? Where are you? > >(He's gone. He's ceased to exist on Nyssa's plane of existence.) DIANE: (John Cleese) 'E's off the twig! 'E's run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' Choir Invisible! NYSSA: (John Cleese) If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch, 'e'd be pushin' up the daisies! > >(Nyssa looks around for a bit, then dissappears as well.) DIANE: (Mindy) OkayIloveyoubyebye! NYSSA: I've gone to a far better place. Specifically, the South Side of Chicago. > >(The TARDIS follows shortly thereafter, as see from an >external shot. It should be seen hurtling through space when it >vanishes.) HELEN: And the rampaging David Copperfield claims yet another victim... > > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > NUMBER ONE (F): (Californian) I'm sensing a lot of negativity here, man. DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Eh? NUMBER ONE (F): (to DIANE) You know, all those 'minus' signs... DIANE: [shakes head] Weak. Very weak. > >SCENE 10: The Amalgam pub HELEN: Better known as 'The Spleen and Hedgehog' in Burton- upon-Trent. > >(This should be impossible, but NYSSA: ...the story is about to become even _less_ exciting. >that was before the existence of Nyssa's new TARDIS. We >have Nyssa, Dave, Trefusis, Givens, and the Amalgam of >Rassilon. NUMBER ONE (F): (terrorist) And, unless our demands are met, we will execute them, one-by-one! >Trefusis is in charge.) NYSSA: You know, it's also an anagram for 'Sue First'. HELEN: Yes, I think we've already covered that ground. > >(Dave and Nyssa and the TARDIS are seen to appear one by >one [Dave and Nyssa outside the TARDIS, of course]. DIANE: Not _under_ it? NUMBER ONE (F): (Dave) Where am I? Oh, Nyssa, you're here! Now-- <CRUNCH!> >They are mystified. The others are already seated at a table, so >Nyssa and Dave join them.) DIANE: ...in Holy Matrimony. HELEN: [cheers] Whoohoo! Let's hear it for polyamory! NUMBER ONE (F): Whoever Polly Amery is... HELEN: [whaps NUMBER ONE (F) on the head] Don't act moronic, sweetie. > >(N = Nyssa, D = David Ramsey, T = Trefusis, G = Givens, R = >Rassilon's Amalgam, NYSSA: Therefore, the following equation is true. N - (D + T + G + R) = 1 HELEN: (to NYSSA, puzzled) Equals one? NYSSA: [nods] Equals one happy Trakenite. >assuming they all have speaking parts.) HELEN: Ooh, that's new! I've seen lots of 'parts', but I never had one talk to me. > >N. Trefusis? What's going on? > NYSSA: (to OTHERS) Anyone who starts singing a Four Non- Blondes song is going to get themselves hurt. >T. I'm sorry, my dear, I thought it best to intervene. > >(Nyssa notices that Dave has a very lost look on his face. NUMBER ONE (F): (Dave, as Ryouga Hibiki) Arrgh! Where the Hell am I _now_?! I could have sworn this was the street Akane lives on... >He's feeling like he's been drawn into something which is too >big for his mind to deal with.) NUMBER ONE (F): Therefore, he turns the job of thinking over to his liver. DIANE: [smirks] That's not the body part that does men's thinking... > >N. David, this is HELEN: ...Goliath, from next door. I expect you two to play nice while I'm gone, okay? >Trefusis and Givens, the ones you wrote about. I don't know >who the others are. I don't know where we are, either. NYSSA: (singing) Don't know much about History/Don't know much Biology... [pause] Actually, I know pretty much everything about Biology. Perhaps that song wasn't particularly appropriate, then... > >T. This is the plane of the Amalgams. > >N. Oh. I didn't know they had their own plane. DIANE: (Trefusis) But, of course. And that is the handsaw of the Amalgams. And over there is the belt sander of the Amal- gams. We can handle all your carpentry needs. > >T. Up until this moment, no Time Lord was aware of its >existence. NUMBER ONE (F): (Trefusis, as Scooby-Doo villain) And it would still be that way if it weren't for you meddling kids! >Givens and I, er, found it a long time ago. > >G. Trefusis, you may as well tell them the truth. HELEN: (Trefusis) What, all of it? Even the bits about the frogs? NYSSA: (softly) Someone's been reading Douglas Adams lately. > >T. All right, Givens, if you think it's best. Actually, we >founded it. A long, long time ago DIANE: ...in a Galaxy far, far away-- NYSSA: (interrupting) --something much more interesting was going on. >Rassilon started the traditions on Gallifrey and became the first >Time Lord. This is his Amalgam, by the way. > >R. Pleased to meet you, Nyssa and you as well, Dr. Ramsey. NYSSA: The pleasure is all yours. > >N. Rassilon's Amalgam? How can his Amalgam still be alive? > DIANE: (Rassilon's Amalgam) Clean living, plenty of exercise, a healthy diet, and the occasional bit of raw mermaid flesh... NYSSA: And, the Takahashi fans all have a private chuckle at the expense of the nine-tenths of viewers that are scratching their heads over that one... >R. Although Rassilon died in the depths of time, HELEN: Better than dying in the loo, like Elvis. >I will live on as long as his TARDIS continues to exist. ALL: (singing) Whoh-oh not I!/I will survive! > > . The first TARDIS still exists? HELEN: Who said that? NYSSA: [shrugs] Who cares? > >R. Yes, and its position is the best-kept secret in the universe, NUMBER ONE (F): I thought the best-kept secret was the answer to the question, "Why is Bruce Willis considered an actor?" >since no one but myself can know where it is. But we are >digressing. > >T. Rather, DIANE: Brokaw. NUMBER ONE (F): Cronkite. HELEN: Chung. NYSSA: Andy Rooney. >but I'm always tantalized by that bit of information. I haven't >run across the TARDIS of Rassilon since his death, and I've >been around. I've even looked for it a bit. NUMBER ONE (F): (Trefusis) I searched the topless bar down the block. It wasn't there. So, then I checked the locker room at the girls' gym. It wasn't there. Then, I went to the Victoria's Secret store, but no luck. So, I decided to recheck the topless bar... > >R. Did you know Rassilon? NYSSA: An Amalgam stores all of a Time Lord's memories, yes? Rassilon was a Time Lord. You are his Amalgam. You have all his memories. Therefore, why the Hell are you asking that? HELEN: (to NYSSA) You're paying way too much attention, dear. Just sit back and let the snideness and cheap sexual innu- endo have free rein. There's nothing to be gained by trying to actually _think_. > >T. Certainly. He wouldn't have solved the problem of breaking >out of or back into the chronistic manifold without me. NUMBER ONE (F): (Trefusis) We put chronistic manifolds, a Holley four-barrel carburetor, and a Hurst shifter in that sucker and painted some boss-looking flames up the sides. I tell you, it was the baddest VW Rabbit in town! >I question that decision every once in a while. > >Later on, Rassilon discovered that the TARDIS needed an >artificial intelligence of its own or time travel would be >impossibly complex. DIANE: Not the actual _travel_ part, as much as trying to cal- culate the 'Frequent Flier' mileage. >Computers weren't enough; it required the ability to synthesize. NYSSA: It required crappy European Techno music? >Hence, the chronic nebuliser and so on. NUMBER ONE (F): I had an uncle who was like that, until we put him in 'Nebulisers Anonymous'. >Each TARDIS needs to be imprinted with the psyche of a Time >Lord. You already know that under normal circumstances, this >means that only that Time Lord can really control that TARDIS. > >Rassilon couldn't foresee that the intelligence of the TARDIS >would be able to manifest itself as this pseudo-being called DIANE: ...Rosie O'Donnell. OTHERS: [look at DIANE] DIANE: (to OTHERS) Come on. You can't tell me you actually think she's a _human_, right? NUMBER ONE (F): Very true... >an Amalgam, but he was pleased to meet his. HELEN: Especially after he found out that it could make itself look like Heather Locklear. >It meant that travelling in a TARDIS is more like travelling >with a TARDIS. NUMBER ONE (F): And repeating the experience is like travelling with a re-TARDIS. HELEN: [kicks NUMBER ONE (F) in the leg] Don't be an utter prick, darling... > >He was unaware that these Amalgams had no place to go when >they weren't visible. I gave them a place. DIANE: (Trefusis) The YMCA. But, they decided they'd rather hang around in a bloody pub all day... > >N. None of this sounds very plausible. NUMBER ONE (F): (Nyssa) Oh, were you talking? I'm sorry, I was just listening to an Al Gore speech on the radio... > >T. I don't think so either. Givens, if you hadn't insisted on the >truth, I wouldn't be in this mess. DIANE: (Trefusis, as Jack Nicholson) You can't handle the truth!! >You explain it. > >G. You've explained it well enough. Just as we created an >enormous time bubble for the Attic of Eternity, we also created NYSSA: ...a space bubble for the Basement of Infinity and an energy bubble for the Rec Room of Perpetuity. >a bubble which is generally only accessible to Amalgams. > >N. All right. At the beginning you talked about intervening. >What's really going on here? NYSSA: No, no, no. If you want answers, you do it this way... (snarling) All right, here's the deal: the first person to tell me what the Hell's really going on here _doesn't_ get disembowelled. So, start talking or be prepared to start screaming... OTHERS: [eye NYSSA nervously] > >T. The Amalgams have been aware of your use of the imaginary >circuits in your TARDIS, HELEN: ...watching with intellects vast and cool and unsympa- thetic... >and they feared that there could be some danger. They >consulted me with this information, and I DIANE: ...charged them an enormous fee and told them to go ahead and do all the things they'd already decided on. HELEN: [nods] That's a consultant, all right. >summoned this gathering. > >N. Do you mean to say that there is danger? > >T. Not necessarily danger. NYSSA: (Trefusis) More like 'peril', I'd say. Or, perhaps 'mortal hazard'. But certainly not danger. >But I must warn you of an aspect of your travels that you cannot >be aware of. > >D. Frequent crossings between realities can erode the barriers >which protect universes from each other. HELEN: Sounds like an advert for a Time-Space Condom. >Potentially hazardous interactions may then follow. NUMBER ONE (F): If this occurs, wash the affected areas thoroughly in clean water. If ingested, induce vomitting immediately. A 'Sailor Moon' fanfic is provided to facilitate this. > >T. Quite right. But will you tell me how you know that? DIANE: (Dave) What can I say? It's good to be the God-boy. > >D. It's.... ALL: Monty Python's Flying Circus! > >(He closes his eyes suddenly and then shakes his head >violently.) NYSSA: (nature-show host) And here we see how the North American Spotted Fanboy -- geekius anorakus -- reacts to danger, by blinding predators with a cloud of dandruff. > >N. Dave, are you all right? NYSSA: Please say 'No'. > >D. For a moment, it almost all fell into place. I thought I saw DIANE: (Tweety) ...a puddy-tat! >a future me, and those words came into my mind. > NYSSA: And how long have you been hearing voices? NUMBER ONE (F): (Dave) It started right before I lost my job at the Post Office... >T. Most interesting. Have you experienced this sort of thing >before? HELEN: (Dave, naive) No, you're my first! [giggles] > >D. Not like this. > >T. But you have felt as if you were looking forward and >backward at a multiple of former and future you's? DIANE: (Dave) Yes, and I'm appalled to see that I'll apparently never outgrow this acne. > >N. (To David.) That's what you were talking about that >evening at your cottage. NYSSA: And here I thought you were just trying to impress me, thinking I'd put out. > >D. Yes. Trefusis, I've been seeing like this for ten years. NUMBER ONE (F): (Trefusis) Then, let me recommend a radial keratotomy. NYSSA: (sourly) Let _me_ recommend a prefrontal lobotomy. > >T. You are becoming one of the unchained. > HELEN: (Nyssa) Not if Mistress Nyssa has any say in the matter! OHOHOHOHOHO!! NUMBER ONE (F): (to HELEN) Not quite Tira Misu, are you? >D. Like a Threnodanian? > >(Trefusis looks across at Rassilon.) > HELEN: (Trefusis) Did you know that you can sing that name to the tune of 'Rule Brittania'? (singing) Thren-odanian!/Thren- o-da-ni-an!/Thren-o-dani-an! Threno-da-nian! DIANE: (to NYSSA and NUMBER ONE (F)) Is she scaring the two of you, as well? >T. This gathering does not appear to have been necessary. NYSSA: (throws hands up) Why couldn't you have figured that out about two scenes ago? Sheesh! >They already know about barrier erosion, NUMBER ONE (F): (farmer) The County Extension agent gave a talk on it down at the Co-Op. Said you can stop it with windbreaks and cross-plowing. >unchaining and Threnodanians. > >R. They know more than I do. > >T. I suppose you can also tell us where Givens came from. DIANE: They generally start out as assumptions, until they become consistently reliable facts. NYSSA: (to DIANE) You're really reaching, aren't you? DIANE: (to NYSSA) Cut me some slack. I didn't hear you offering up any riffs for the ages. > >(We wait to hear such a pronouncement, but it doesn't arrive.) NUMBER ONE (F): They sent it by Regular Mail, so it's probably somewhere in Uganda right about now. > >T. Too bad. He would like to know. NUMBER ONE (F): Bright boy, that Givens. Got a mind like a steel trap. DIANE: Yeah. Full of mice. >You wouldn't have any idea where Rassilon's Amalgam has >hidden away the first TARDIS, would you? > HELEN: This looks like a job for that dashing archaeologist, Keweenaw Jones! NYSSA: [snorts] 'Raiders of the Lost Plot'. >D. I don't know very much. NYSSA: (singing) Don't know much about... Oh, hang on. Didn't I already do that one? DIANE: (to NYSSA) Yes, and it didn't work that time, either. >We happened to encounter a sprite, and he told us NUMBER ONE (F): ...to obey our thirst. >about the Threnodanians. > >T. A sprite? Do you realize that the sprites are almost as >elusive as the Threnodanians themselves? NUMBER ONE (F): (Trefusis) They're rarer than straight women at a k. d. lang concert, and twice as hard to get your hands on. HELEN: (looks thoughtfully at NUMBER ONE (F)) Hmmm... to whap, or not to whap. That is the question... > >N. How could we know? > >T. I'm sorry. I'm not used to people stealing my wind. DIANE: Eeww. That phrase conjures a number of images, not a single one of them pleasant. >Let me think a moment. ALL: [hum 'Jeopardy' music] >If A, then B, and if not C, then D. NYSSA: (Trefusis) Then I before E, except after C, or when sounding like A... NUMBER ONE (F): (to audience) Remember that, kiddies! It could save your life someday! >Ah. I understand. The sprite most likely showed himself >because he saw that you are HELEN: ...attracted to really short people. NYSSA and NUMBER ONE (F): (to HELEN, angrily) Is there a problem with that!? >becoming unchained. I gather that it is a disoriented process, >but greatly eased if the one under metamorphosis is somewhat >aware of where the process is taking him. DIANE: So, he will awake one morning to find that he is becoming an insect? > >G. Trefusis, you're not being very clear. NUMBER ONE (F): (Trefusis) Curse my opacity! > >D. What do you mean that I'm becoming unchained? NYSSA, NUMBER ONE (F), and DIANE: (singing) Ohhh! My-y-y love!/My daaarling!/I hunger for your touch... HELEN: (to OTHERS, puzzled) And that would be relevant how? NYSSA: (to HELEN) 'Unchained Melody'. HELEN: Ah. > >T. You know what unchaining is: your mind is becoming free >to wander in time. > >D. More free than it has been? DIANE: (Trefusis) As free as a bird, now. And this bird you cannot change. NUMBER ONE (F): (to DIANE) Sorry, Di, but that just don't _even_ sound right from a Yankee. > >T. Far more so. You can understand the controls for the >imaginary circuits because of it. You see flashes into the future >which carry an increasing degree of conviction. NYSSA: (Trefusis) You can divide by zero. NUMBER ONE (F): (Trefusis) You can consistently hit a knuckle-ball. DIANE: (Trefusis) You can understand European art films. HELEN: (Trefusis) You can decipher the lyrics of a Jane's Addiction song. >The sprite wanted to set you into the path NYSSA: ...of a speeding bus, and I don't blame him. >where you would believe that this is real and not the onset of >madness. ALL: (singing) Our house!/In the middle of our street... > >D. I've been a bit afraid of some of what's been happening to >me. NUMBER ONE (F): (Dave, as teenager) I have hair growing in the weirdest places, and I keep having these dreams about Kate Winslet and a jar of pickled beets... HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Whoa! You, too? > >N. Where does it end? Does he end up as a disembodied mind >that is aware of its entire existence as if it were all the present. NYSSA: If he does, can I keep the body? I can use the parts in some of my experiments. > >(Nyssa is becoming concerned that perhaps David is going to >be taken away from her, and they have just started.) DIANE: (to NYSSA, cutesy voice) That's so sweeeet! Widdle Nyssa is worried about her darling Davey-poo! NYSSA: [reddens] That's not me! HELEN: (to NYSSA, cutesy voice) Her just _wuvs_ her widdle pooky-bear, doesn't her? NYSSA: (yelling) Shut up! That's not me! > >T. There's no telling how far his unchaining will progress, but >his mind will never become disembodied. NUMBER ONE (F): ...although I can see how it might want to. >He may never experience anything more than the current level >of unchainedness. HELEN: (Nyssa) Mistress Nyssa alone shall determine whether he becomes unchained, or unstrapped, for that matter! OHOHO- HOHOHO! DIANE: (to HELEN) Your bitchlaugh still needs a bit of work. NUMBER ONE (F): (to HELEN) Yeah, I have to give it a 6, maybe a 6.5. That's better than Martina from 'Slayers', but not as good as Tira from 'Sorceror Hunters'. > >D. Is there anything else we need to know? NUMBER ONE (F): (Trefusis) Well, let's see... Never let a bald man borrow your comb. Don't pee on an electric fence. Don't fry bacon without wearing a shirt. And don't draw to an inside straight. That should pretty well cover it. >I feel like thinking for a while. NYSSA: [points] Down that way, second door on the right. And be sure to jiggle the handle to make it quit running. > >T. It would appear that you know or will be given the proper >understanding to avoid destroying the entire space-time >continuum by cross-reality travel. DIANE: (Billy Crystal) Boy, I _hate_ when that happens! > >D. Then I think we should be leaving. It was good to meet all >of you. Is it all right with you if we leave, Nyssa? > >N. Certainly, Dave. NYSSA: (submissively) It is not my place as your woman to oppose your will, master. NUMBER ONE (F): I know I'm gonna get hit, but I kind of liked the way that sounded. NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) I'll just bet. Oh, and you were quite correct, incidentally. [backhands NUMBER ONE (F)] NUMBER ONE (F): [rubs jaw] Oww. I hate being right... > >R. I hope you won't mind if I ask that you never reveal the >existence of this place to anyone else. DIANE: (Rassilon's Amalgam) Because then we'd, you know, have to kill you and stuff. > >N. Not at all. We understand. > >(A confused Dave and concerned Nyssa HELEN: ...consummate their congenial concomitance with concupiscent conduct and concluding with consecutive consensual conjugal conjunctions. >enter her TARDIS and disappear.) > >T. I wonder what will become of them. > >R. Do you have any ideas? DIANE: (Trefusis, as Pinky) I do, but how are we going to get hold of 300 gallons of strawberry jelly, some ping-pong balls, a giant slingshot, and Barbara Streisand, all in time for the Running of the Bulls? > >T. You want a prediction about what might come out of love >between a Time Lord and one who is unchained? NUMBER ONE (F): (Trefusis, as Joe Pesci) Do I look like Jeane Dixon to you? >I can only speculate and most likely, I will be completely >wrong. DIANE: (Trefusis, as hippy) But, that's okay, because I don't rely on that whole 'success' thing for my sense of self-worth. I have value as a person just because I'm me and make my place in cosmic harmony with the world around me. Umm, can I have another hit? > >R. I'm still curious. > >T. If it works, I can see them reaching into some of the truly >bizarre aspects of reality out on its very edges. NYSSA: Like San Francisco? HELEN: (to NYSSA) He said 'edge of', dear. Not 'way beyond'. >I'm an ancient explorer, and I've only seen one part in >10,000,000,000,000 of all that reality has to offer. The places >they could go.... NUMBER ONE (F): (darkly) R'lyeh, Yuggoth, N'kai, Kadath in the Cold Waste... HELEN: (Trefusis) And watch them not even send a bloody postcard. >If they can make it work. > > > > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > > NUMBER ONE (F): (announcer) New from the Franklin Mint, it's SCARS OF FAMOUS ANIME CHARACTERS! Order now, and receive Captain Harlock's Facial Scar -- shown above -- at a 20% discount! Operators are standing by! >SCENE 11: the sitting room in Nyssa's TARDIS > >N. David, what can I do? NYSSA: (to OTHERS) Don't _even_ go there, you. > >D. I don't know. I can't focus my thoughts. ALL: (movie audience) Focus! Focus! > >N. Don't try then. > >D. My head is so full. DIANE: Chock full o' nuts! >I can hardly hold one idea long enough to consider it before ten >more take its place. Some of the ideas must be coming from >past and future me's, too, HELEN: ...while others appear to have been primarily inspired by beer commercials. >because they come as quick intuitive insights that quickly stop >making sense. NUMBER ONE (F): (Dave) For instance, I have this idea for a story where you and me and the Doctor all throw rocks for a while and then go meet Sarah Sutton. > >(Nyssa comes and sits closely beside him on the sofa.) HELEN and DIANE: (porno music) Bomp-chicka-chicka-bomp- chicka-bow-dow... > >D. Thanks. Your nearness helps. NYSSA: I'm just here to revel in the bleakness of your depression and feast on the gloom and darkness within your soul. DIANE: (to NYSSA) Do you need some lamps for your dark little world? > >N. I'll do whatever I can. HELEN: (Dave) Well, oral sex would probably help... NYSSA: [whaps HELEN on the head] NUMBER ONE (F): Actually, Helen does seem to understand male emotional needs pretty well. NYSSA: [whaps NUMBER ONE (F) on the head] > > > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > DIANE: (announcer) Do not adjust your set. We control the vertical... > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > End of Episode Six >------------------------------------------------------------------------ NYSSA: (Lina Inverse) At last, the nightmare is _over_. [All four get up and leave the theater] ---- [Door sequence: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] ---- [SOL bridge interior] [DIANE, HELEN, NYSSA, and NUMBER ONE (F) stand at the console, talking.] DIANE: Well, I don't know about you lot, but my morale is pretty well shot to Hell. NYSSA: Agreed. Major suckitude is the order of the day. [gives NUMBER ONE (F) an ominous look] Only the promise of a new subject for my medical experiments keeps me going. NUMBER ONE (F): [looks panicked] (to NYSSA) Hey, now... NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) You _promised_, remember? Besides, I intend to have a go at curing your curse. NUMBER ONE (F): [looks interested] You think you can do it? NYSSA: [shrugs] I've no idea, but I'm certain that I'll have fun trying. [chuckles evilly] [A light on the console begins to flash.] HELEN: Someone's calling. I wonder whether it's the Beastie Boys or the Indigo Girls? DIANE: Let's get this over with... [presses light] ---- [Tegan World Order Headquarters, interior] [TEGAN and VARNE stand behind the console, looking smug.] TEGAN: Hello again, my little test bunnies. I sense by your slack posture and hopeless expressions that the goal of mental wellness is a step closer! Another victory for feminism in action! ---- [SOL] DIANE: Actually, I think we're all just tired, pissed-off, and in One's case, fearing for her future physical well-being. NYSSA: Yes. A lot of Teletubbies will being making the last, long walk to the disposal unit because of this. Not getting to read 'Iris' was bad enough, after what we went through to get it, but having to watch you make like a goth Gloria Steinem is pushing my annoyance level into the red zone. ---- [TWO HQ] TEGAN: So, you're saying that the fic I sent had no effect at all? ---- [SOL] NYSSA: The fic was the least of my worries. Painful though certain parts were, it still takes a backseat to the irritation of dealing with you. ---- [TWO HQ] TEGAN: Very well, then. Next time, I'll send a piece that will... [Screen begins to slowly fill with static.] TEGAN: What?! (to VARNE) What's happening?! VARNE: [checking console] It looks like Adric's found a way to cut our signal. We can't hold much longer! TEGAN: Rabbits! (to screen) Until next time, Nys-- [Screen dissolves completely into static, then clears to show the back room at This Time Round] [ADRIC is working at the console, a triumphant grin on his face. FRANCOIS is working in the background.] ADRIC: That did it! Hello, Merry Wives of Windsor! ---- [SOL] NUMBER ONE (F): Joy. It's the Duke Boys. How they hangin', Uncle Jesse? NYSSA: I take it you've found a way to cut out Tegan's signal? ---- [TTR] ADRIC: For the moment, we have. It won't take much modifi- cation on her part to break in on us again, but we'll just have to deal with that when it happens. Of course, you realize what her actions mean? ---- [SOL] DIANE: They mean that she's become a really irritating agent of Evil? HELEN: They mean that she gets to wear a trenchcoat all the time, now? NYSSA: They mean that your precious ratings are in jeopardy? NUMBER ONE (F): They mean we're really screwed now? ---- [TTR] ADRIC: No, you fools! They mean WAR! All-out war to see who can break your minds first! ---- [SOL] [ALL look worried.] NUMBER ONE (F): [sighs] I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I hate being right. ---- [TTR] ADRIC: [waving fist] That bit of skirt thinks she can unseat _me_ as head of this enterprise?! Hah! She's got another think coming, let me tell you! _I_ made this program what it is! _I_ am the driving force behind MPT3k! [As ADRIC rants, HARRY enters from the right, looking a bit pale and carrying a calendar that reads 'MPT3k: Adric's Grrlz' on the cover.] HARRY: (to ADRIC) Sorry to interrupt, Old Fellow, but I've got the first version of our calendar for you to look over. ADRIC: (to HARRY, testily) Yes, yes. I'll have a look in a minute. (to screen) Anyway... _I_ rule this show, and no one else! We'll just see how well Miss Jovanka bears up to the pressures of playing with the Big Dog! I have not yet begun to fight! Witness the power of the Dark Side of fan-fiction! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! [FRANCOIS steps up and takes the calendar from HARRY while ADRIC rants. HARRY exits unsteadily to the left, while FRANCOIS opens the calendar. As he looks through it, his eyes gradually get wider and wider and he tugs a little at his collar.] ---- [SOL] DIANE: So, I take it then that asking for a re-transmission of 'Iris' would be like peeing up a rope? ---- [TTR] ADRIC: This is WAR! There is no time for idle pleasantries now! This is the time for leanness and meanness and break- your-spleenness! Perhaps later, after Tegan is defeated. And if you're all _very_ good... [Behind ADRIC, FRANCOIS turns to the last page of the calendar. He stares for a moment, eyes bugging out, then quietly faints dead away.] ---- [SOL] HELEN: [laughs] Must have seen that picture of us under the sprinkler... OTHERS: [blush] ---- [TTR] ADRIC: But, that isn't to say that I don't have a reward for you. It's something I think you'll like... [works a set of controls] Ah! There we are! [presses a flashing blue button] ---- [SOL] [Without warning, DOUG (a tall, ponytailed man wearing a set of 'Galaxy Express' pajamas) tumbles out of thin air and lands on the floor next to NUMBER ONE (F).] DOUG: (drowsily) Uh, wha--? Am I dreaming again? Honey? [stands up] Where am I? [looks at NUMBER ONE (F)] GAH! [scrambles away] NUMBER ONE (F): (to DOUG, flatly) Welcome back to Hell, dude. DOUG: [looks around and whimpers] ---- [TTR] ADRIC: And that will do for a closer, I think. Press the button, Francois. [looks around] Francois? [looks down] Francois?! What's your problem? Don't tell me it was something in that calendar. Sheesh. A little sight of skirt, and you and Harry just lose it. [picks up calendar and opens to last page] Can't you two just-- Good Lord. [As ADRIC looks at the picture, his eyes bulge out and his tie begins to curl up.] ADRIC: (softly) Oh, my. The things a sprinkler can do to flimsy material... Oh, mama... [ADRIC faints. He falls forward onto the console, hitting the button and then sliding to the floor.] >FWOOOOSH!< Copyright Notes: 'Doctor Who' belongs to the BBC. 'Mystery Science Theater 3000' belongs to Best Brains, Inc. Doug, Diane, and the ADF created by Douglas Killings. Mistress Helen created by Helen Fayle. Varne created by Ken Young. This Time Round created by Tyler Dion. The fan-fiction 'Punting on the Stream of Time' and the 'Stories of Nyssa' series of which it is a part are the work of David E. Woon. No infringement of any copyright is intended, and no offense is intended to Mr. Woon, no matter how it may sound at times. This series actually holds a special place in my heart as one of the first fanfics I ever read. If Mr. Woon happens to be reading this, just consider this another form of C&C, okay? The fan-fiction 'Iris' is the work of Nicholas Leifker and is one of the best damn stories ever written. I cannot recommend it too highly, but unfortunately don't have the URL available just now. Archivist's Note: Regular Characters: Adric, Harry Sullivan, Nyssa, Tegan Other Recurring Characters: Francois the Ogron, Number One, Doug, Diane, Varne, Mistress Helen Categories: 'This Time Round'; 'To Die For' spinoff series; Humor; Crossover with 'Mystery Science Theater 3000 Synopsis: Things get far more bizarre aboard the SOL. >R. You floommph rocks! Notes - Part One
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