"It's mine!" Vicki protested.

"It's mine!" Jamie countered.

Izzy descended on the two toddlers, and secured the gaudy sash that was the casus belli. "It's the playgroup's," she said. "It doesn't belong to either of you."

Vicki stamped her foot. "I want it!"

"I want it!" Jamie said firmly.

"I want it more."

"I wanted it first." Jamie scowled. "I'm from hundreds of years before you so I wanted it before you, and I should get first go."

"No you shouldn't," Vicki said triumphantly. "'Cos I go back in time to before you were born, so I'm the one who wanted it first." She gave Izzy the most appealing smile she could manage. "I should have it."

Izzy folded her arms. "I'm keeping this," she said. "And if I hear one more word out of either of you then you won't get to hear the story."

"Story?" The two toddlers' eyes opened wide, and they hurried to their places, adopting expressions of sweet innocence that fooled nobody.

That who-wanted-it-first argument has to win some sort of prize for twisted logic, Izzy thought, leafing through the story book. It's like that so-called proof that the Doctor can't be a reincarnation of Rassilon, because the twentieth anniversary episode would have been called 'The Six Rassilons'.

She looked down at the book, and realised the perils of letting her mind wander on the job.

Storytime! The Adventure of the Six Napoleons Rassilons

Izzy / Narrator :
It was no very unusual thing for Mr. Lestrade, of Scotland Yard, to look in upon Sherlock Holmes of an evening...

[A rather Gallifreyan interpretation of 221B Baker Street. Green metallic walls, consoles covered with blinking lights. Holmes, Watson and Lestrade are seated around a table, wearing Time Lord robes and hats, but not the huge ceremonial collars.]

Spandrell / Holmes :
Have you any interesting cases in hand at the moment?

Andred / Lestrade :
Nothing particular.

Spandrell / Holmes :
I know that look. Come on, out with it.

Andred / Lestrade :
Well, it hardly seems worth bothering you with. I think it's more likely to be in Doctor Watson's line than ours.

Engin / Watson :
Disease?

Andred / Lestrade :
Psychological disorder. I mean, you wouldn't think there was anyone who had such a hatred of Rassilon that he would break any image of him he could find.

"Except the Master," the baby Tenth Doctor suggested.

The other toddlers were quick to add their own suggestions.

"Omega!"

"The Great Vampires!"

"The Doctor!"

"Wilf!"

"Davros!"

"The Pythia!"

"Russell T. Davies!"

"Agonal!"

"The Other!"

"You've had him already," little Chris said smugly. "'Cos he's really the Doctor."

"Isn't," baby Romana replied, and amplified her argument by sticking her tongue out at him.

"Is!"

"Isn't!"

Izzy shushed them, and took up the storybook again.

Andred / Lestrade :
All right, so there are quite a lot of people who might want to break images of Rassilon. But I'm concerned with someone who's been stealing other people's images to break them.

Spandrell / Holmes :
Burglary! That's more interesting. Let me hear the details.

Andred / Lestrade :
The first case reported was four days ago. It was at the shop of Morse Hudson, in the Kennington Road.

[He taps his wrist communicator. A hologram of a shop appears; various pictures and statues are on display. The floor is covered with plaster shards.]

Andred / Lestrade :
Somebody was seen to run out of the shop, but no-one knew who it was or where they went. It was put down to the Shobogans and no-one thought any more of it until last night.

[He taps his communicator again. It shows a map of the Kennington Road area.]

Andred / Lestrade :
A few hundred yards from the shop lives a man called Dr. Barnicot. He's an enthusiastic admirer of Rassilon...

Spandrell / Holmes :
You expect me to believe there are such people?

Andred / Lestrade :
... and his house is full of the books of Rassilon, the pictures of Rassilon, and the relics of Rassilon.

Engin / Watson :
Ah, he's a fan.

Andred / Lestrade :
Well, some time ago he bought two busts of Rassilon from Morse Hudson's shop. He put one in his house, and one in his surgery, a couple of miles away. This morning he found his house had been broken into, but nothing had been taken except the bust, which had been smashed against the garden wall.

Spandrell / Holmes :
This is certainly very novel.

Andred / Lestrade :
And to top it all, when he went to his surgery, he found that the other bust had been smashed to bits as well. Now, Mr. Holmes, you have the facts.

Spandrell / Holmes :
Tell me, were all these statues exactly the same?

Andred / Lestrade :
Taken from the same mould.

Spandrell / Holmes :
That suggests there's something special about that design. It would be too much of a coincidence for this vandal to hit on three identical busts at random.

Andred / Lestrade :
I thought so too. But perhaps they were the only three in the district. What do you think, Doctor Watson?

Engin / Watson :
He would have to be a monomaniac with a fanatical obsession. Somebody who blamed Rassilon for some real or imagined grievance.

Spandrell / Holmes :
Which would describe just about any Time Lord. Thank you for your invaluable contribution.

Engin / Watson :
All right, what are you going to do about it?

Andred / Lestrade :
I thought I'd wait and see if there were any more incidents.

Spandrell / Holmes :
In other words, do nothing. The policy which has served us so well for millennia.