Izzy / Narrator :
The incident Lestrade had been waiting for came the following morning. Holmes and Watson were summoned to Kensington by an urgent telegram.

[Pitt Street, Kensington. The sky is orange. A crowd of Gallifreyans have gathered outside one particular house. Close by, a pixellated blur resolves itself into Holmes and Watson.]

Engin / Watson :
Whatever can have happened?

Spandrell / Holmes :
If we're lucky, attempted murder at least. There's Lestrade. [He points at the front window of the house, through which Lestrade can be seen.] He'll tell us what's going on. [They pass up the front steps; Holmes points down.] Looks to me as if someone's been mopping up bloodstains here.

[They enter the house. Lestrade leads them through into a sitting room.]

Andred / Lestrade :
This is Mr. Horace Harker, of the Public Register Video. He owns this house.

Runcible / Harker :
This is really quite a disaster for me. I ought to be reporting on this and I'm so shaken I can't put two words together. This sort of thing is always happening to me. It was the same when that racecourse collapsed at Doncaster.

Spandrell / Holmes :
Really? I find that suspicious. You remind me of those little old ladies who subconsciously influence people to murder each other wherever they go. Do make sure to let me know if you are intending to visit any state events; I shall double the guards and cancel all leave.

Runcible / Harker :
Do you want to hear what happened to me, or not?

Spandrell / Holmes :
Go on, then, tell us.

Runcible / Harker :
I was upstairs working on an article. I often work late, you see, and my office is at the back of the house so the light wouldn't show. At about three, I thought I heard noises downstairs, but then I decided I'd imagined it. About five minutes later I heard the most horrible scream.

"Prob'ly just Mel sitting on a sticklebricks again," Vicki said.

Runcible / Harker :
I took the poker and investigated. I found the window in this room was open and my bust of Rassilon had been stolen.

Spandrell / Holmes :
Ah. Where did that come from?

Runcible / Harker :
Oh, Harding Brothers were having a sale. Anyway, I opened the front door, and there was a dead body on the top step. His throat had been cut.

Spandrell / Holmes :
Why didn't he regenerate?

Andred / Lestrade :
The Master was playing him. He must have run out of lives again.

Runcible / Harker :
I called for the police at once, of course.

Spandrell / Holmes :
Who was the murdered man? I mean, apart from being the Master.

Andred / Lestrade :
We don't know. He didn't have any papers, only an apple, some string, a map of London, and a photograph. Here.

[He produces a photograph and hands it to Holmes.]

Spandrell / Holmes :
Interesting. What happened to the bust?

Andred / Lestrade :
Apparently it's been found smashed to pieces just round the corner. Shall we go and see?

Runcible / Harker :
Sorry, I can't come. I have to write my exclusive account of this terrible crime. [He picks up a dictaphone, and begins to pace.] Today, at just past three in the morning, disaster struck... No. Today, at just past three in the morning, the peace of this tranquil street was shattered...

[Lestrade leads Holmes and Watson out of the house. They stop at the top of the steps.]

Spandrell / Holmes [examining the outside of the window] :
Either the burglar had very long legs or was a most active man. It wouldn't be easy to climb up to that window. Simpler to get back, of course, even with a bust under your arm.

[They walk round the corner into Campden House Road. The bust lies shattered in the garden of an empty house. Holmes carefully examines the fragments.]

Andred / Lestrade :
Spot anything?

Spandrell / Holmes :
Maybe. Maybe not. I wonder why he chose to break the bust here rather than in the house.

Andred / Lestrade :
There's no-one living in this house. He could be sure he wasn't disturbed.

Spandrell / Holmes :
But that also applies to other houses he would have passed. No, I think he stopped here because it was close to a street lamp. He would have been able to see what he was doing.

Andred / Lestrade :
Now why didn't I think of that?

Spandrell / Holmes :
I have a number of plausible theories on that score. What steps do you propose to take now?

Andred / Lestrade :
Identify the dead man, of course. Then we pull in anyone who knew him who can't account for their movements last night.

Spandrell / Holmes :
Then go away and do it. Oh, and if you see Mr Harker again, tell him that I have made up my mind: A dangerous homicidal maniac with the delusions of Rassilon was in his house last night.

Engin / Watson :
You don't seriously believe that?

Spandrell / Holmes :
Of course not. But with any luck, the viewers of the Public Register Video will. Lestrade, I think you should meet us at Baker Street this evening, and if you don't mind, I will keep this photograph until then.

[Before Lestrade can answer, Holmes and Watson transduct away.]

Engin / Watson [vo] :
We made enquiries at Harding Brothers' shop, but Mr Harding wasn't available until the afternoon. So we went to Morse Hudson's establishment, where the other three had come from.

[Morse Hudson's shop. Behind the counter is a short figure in a cloak and cowl.]

Monk / Hudson :
Good day, my children. How may I be of assistance to you?

Spandrell / Holmes :
We are investigating—

Monk / Hudson :
All lies! You can't prove anything! I was in the Renaissance at the time, and anyway that Mona Lisa was a fake!

Engin / Watson :
Dear me, this case grows more complex by the minute.

Spandrell / Holmes :
I have no interest in your petty misdemeanours. All I want is some questions answered.

Monk / Hudson [with an insincere smile] :
Of course, I'm always willing to help the police with their enquiries.

Spandrell / Holmes :
For the purposes of this story, you would do well to remember I'm not the police. Did you sell Doctor Barnicot his two statues?

Monk / Hudson :
Yes, that's right.

Spandrell / Holmes :
Where did they come from?

Monk / Hudson :
Gelder and Company, of Stepney. They're completely above board, I assure you.

Spandrell / Holmes :
And do you recognise this photograph?

Monk / Hudson :
Let me see. Ah, yes. That's a pieceworker who left my employment last week — a couple of days before the statue got smashed.

Spandrell / Holmes :
Thank you. That will be all.

Monk / Hudson [sagging with relief] :
Thank you, officer. It's always a pleasure to deal with such a resourceful investigator. If you ever want a good bargain in the world of art—

Spandrell / Holmes :
Don't push your luck.

[He sweeps out, Watson following.]

Spandrell / Holmes :
So we have this temporary worker as a common factor, in Kennington and in Kensington. Very well. Now let us make for Gelder and Company of Stepney, the source of the busts.

Engin / Watson [vo] :
In rapid succession we passed through the fringe of fashionable London, hotel London, theatrical—

[Holmes and Watson materialise outside Gelder and Company's sculpture works in the usual blur of pixels.]

Spandrell / Holmes :
We're here.

Engin / Watson [vo] :
The manager, a big blond German, received us civilly.

Goth / Manager [not even bothering with the accent] :
What can we do for you, sirs?

Spandrell / Holmes :
You sell statues of Rassilon?

Goth / Manager :
That's one of our most popular lines. It's amazing what fans will spend their money on.

Spandrell / Holmes :
Do you recall selling three to Morse Hudson of Kennington?

Goth / Manager [turning the pages of a ledger] :
Let me see. Ah, yes. Half of a batch of six. The other three went to Harding Brothers of Kensington.

Engin / Watson :
Can you think of a reason why anybody would want to destroy them?

Goth / Manager :
It's ridiculous. They're just cheap souvenirs. The wholesale price is six shillings. Of course, a retailer would charge double that.

Spandrell / Holmes :
How are they made?

Goth / Manager :
They're cast in halves, then stuck together. Look, there's a set here drying.

[He indicates a set of six. Respectively, they look rather like Sean Connery, George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan and Daniel Craig.]

Spandrell / Holmes :
Do you recognise this photograph?

Goth / Manager :
Ah, yes, I know that rascal! Knifed another Italian in the street, and then came running here with the police in hot pursuit. Ended up with a year in prison — the victim lived, you see. A good worker, mind you.

Spandrell / Holmes :
When was that?

Goth / Manager :
More than a year ago now. There's a cousin I could ask if you wanted to know more.

Spandrell / Holmes :
No, thank you. And please don't tell this cousin we've been making enquiries. Now, you sold those statues on June 3rd last year. And the arrest took place when?

Goth / Manager [looking through another ledger] :
Within a week or so of May 20th, I'd say.

Spandrell / Holmes :
Thank you. I repeat: Don't tell anybody we've been asking questions. Now, I suggest we find something to eat, and then go back to Kensington and see what the manager of Harding Brothers has to say.

"I think you lot had better have something to eat, too," Izzy said. "Let's have a break for milk and biscuits."