Izzy / Narrator:
"In glancing over the notes of the seventy odd cases in which I have during the last eight years studied the methods of my friend Sherlock Holmes..."

She looked for the end of the sentence, and found it several lines away. The kids would never put up with this sort of thing. Already baby Jo was crawling toward the craft materials cupboard, a hairgrip in her hand and a lock-picking expression on her face. Izzy paused to scoop her up, and decided that some severe editing and paraphrasing was in order.

Izzy / Narrator:
It was morning at 221B Baker Street. Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson had been woken up early, because a lady had called unexpectedly.

[Inside 221B. A young woman, wearing a black dress and a veil, is sitting by the bay window.]

[The inner door opens. Sally Sparrow and Larry Nightingale enter, as Holmes and Watson respectively. Larry is looking uncomfortable in a frock coat, while Sally is wearing a dressing gown over shirt and trousers.]

Izzy / Narrator:
Well, I know these things often have crossdressing in them, but this is a new one on me.

Larry:
And me. You break into one lousy haunted house and suddenly you're a weirdness magnet for life. This is what they call 'story space', yeah? Mind you, Sally, dressed like that you look out of this world.

Sally:
How nice of you. I hope.

Izzy / Narrator:
What happened to the real Holmes and Watson?

Sally:
Haven't you read the books? Holmes retired in 1903.

Izzy / Narrator:
And Watson?

Sally:
He said it gets boring. He was complaining that all he gets to do is say "Astounding, Holmes!" now and again. I don't think that's true.

Izzy / Narrator:
No?

Sally:
Of course not. Sometimes it's "Holmes, this is incredible — how do you do it?" instead.

Izzy / Narrator:
Get in character, you two, and stay there. Ahem. Holmes noticed at once that their visitor was shivering.

Sally / Holmes:
I deduce that you are cold, madam. I'd sit closer to the fire if I were you.

Woman:
Nought out of one so far. I'm not cold, I'm frightened.

Izzy / Narrator:
The woman took off her veil. She was actually quite young, but looked much older, because of the trouble she'd been in. Her hair was already starting to go grey.

[The visitor removes her veil. It's Nyssa, and she doesn't look prematurely aged in the slightest.]

Izzy / Narrator:
Couldn't you at least have made an effort with the makeup?

Nyssa / Helen:
Certainly not. There's an old Trakenite saying that trying to conceal your true age is a pointless deception that rebounds upon the perpetrator.

Izzy / Narrator:
Are you sure you didn't just make that up?

Nyssa / Helen:
If I did, how would you tell? Ask the only other survivor? Because the Master would be sure to tell you the truth, wouldn't he?

Izzy / Narrator:
Oh, I give up. Get on with it.

Sally / Holmes:
I also perceive that you travelled here by train.

Nyssa / Helen:
Yes, the ticket I'm holding does give it away, doesn't it? Anything else?

Sally / Holmes:
And that your left arm... isn't splashed with mud, so you didn't ride some distance in a dog-cart before reaching the station.

Izzy / Narrator:
Don't tell me, some Trakenite equivalent of that proverb about cleanliness and godliness?

Nyssa / Helen:
No. I'm just not making a mess of my outfit for some stupid story.

Izzy / Narrator:
First of all the woman told Holmes how she came to hear of him. Her. Whichever. Then she got onto why she'd come.

Nyssa / Helen:
My name is Helen Stoner. I was born in India...

[Flashback begins. A family group stands in front of a tatty backcloth showing the Taj Mahal. In the back row are the Fourth Doctor and Romana II, with Nyssa and Tegan in front of them.]

Nyssa / Helen (vo) :
... and by the time I was two my father had died and my mother had remarried.

[The Fourth Doctor cheerily waves goodbye and strolls off. There is a pause, and then Prubert Gastridge (a large, bearded actor with a certain resemblance to Brian Blessed) walks on to take his place.]

Nyssa / Helen (vo) :
My stepfather came from a long line of aristocrats who'd wasted all their money, but he was doing quite well as a medical doctor until quite by chance he beat his butler to death.

[Nimrod enters.]

Nimrod:
Excuse me, sir, but burglars got in during the night and made off with a considerable amount of money.

[Gastridge / Dr Roylott, speechless with rage, points accusingly at Nimrod. Shaking his fists, he chases Nimrod off stage. After several seconds of crashing sounds, he returns and tries to look innocent, but Inspector Mackenzie appears and drags him off.]

Nyssa / Helen (vo) :
Once my stepfather was finally let out of prison we returned to England.

[The backcloth goes up, revealing a railway platform. A prominent sign reads PASSENGERS MUST NOT CROSS THE LINE.]

Nyssa / Helen (vo) :
And straight away my mother was killed in a railway accident near Crewe.

[Romana walks unconcernedly straight past the sign and off stage. A train whistle is heard, followed by a scream.]

Nyssa / Helen (vo) :
So then my sister and I settled down with my stepfather in his ancestral home. He got to keep my mother's money as long as we didn't marry, but if we did he had to pay out.

[We now see a crumbling mansion in overgrown grounds.]

Nyssa / Helen (vo) :
We don't get on well with our neighbours, because my stepfather keeps assaulting them. Only last week he threw the blacksmith in the stream.

[A bridge. Standing on it is Mickey, wearing a blacksmith's apron and holding a large hammer.]

Mickey:
Oh, ha very ha.

Izzy / Narrator:
What?

Mickey:
Black. Smith. I tell you, girl, my sides are splitting here.

Izzy / Narrator:
Mickey, please, it's just a coincidence. Look, you worked in a garage, so if you'd lived in the nineteenth century you'd be shoeing horses. You're perfect for the role.

Mickey:
Not much of a role, is it? Getting thrown in the river. I'm fed up with being nothing more than comic relief.

Izzy / Narrator:
It's only a little stream.

Mickey:
Probably contravenes the Health And Safety At Work Act 1974 as well. I reckon if I sued you I could get thousands. I'll go and ask Jackie, she knows about these things.

[He walks determinedly away from the bridge.]

Izzy / Narrator:
All right, I'll see if I can get the book to recast you.

She closed the book, counted slowly to ten, and reopened it.

[Mickey is gone. Dalek Sec stands on the bridge.]

Izzy / Narrator:
I said blacksmith, not Black Dalek!

Sec:
DALEKS ARE THE SUPERIOR BEINGS. ATTEMPTS TO THROW DALEKS IN THE RIVER WILL BE MET WITH DEADLY FORCE. DOK-TOR ROYLOTT WILL BE EXTERM...

Izzy / Narrator:
Next!

She slammed the book shut, much to little Davros's disappointment, and counted to twenty this time.

[A knight, dressed all in black armour with a face-concealing visor, stands on the bridge.]

Izzy / Narrator:
You're just doing this to annoy me, aren't you?

[The knight merely shrugs.]

Izzy / Narrator:
If I have to count to thirty I'm in danger of losing my audience. Are you going to object to being thrown in the stream?

[The knight shakes his head.]

Izzy / Narrator:
If that's what we've got to work with, so be it. Cue Dr Roylott.

[Gastridge / Roylott enters and walks up to the knight.]

Knight:
None shall pass.

[Gastridge / Roylott closes with him and attempts to throw him off the bridge, but finds the armour far too heavy.]

Izzy / Narrator:
I think you'll have to help him.

[The knight tries to clamber up on the parapet of the bridge, while Gastridge / Roylott attempts to give him a leg up. It takes several goes, but eventually the knight is sitting on the parapet. Gastridge / Roylott recovers his breath, and then shoves him into the stream.]

[In the stream, the knight sits up and removes his helmet, revealing the well-known features of Richard Mace.]

Richard Mace:
Ah, the sacrifices I make for my art. To be pushed into a stream by such a disreputable member of my own profession. But now I fear I must leave you, my public. [He stands and starts bowing and kissing his hand to an imaginary audience.]

Nyssa / Helen (vo) :
The only people my stepfather can stand are gypsies and vagabonds. He lets them camp on his estate from time to time.

[The estate again. The TARDIS materialises, and the Second Doctor, Polly and Ben emerge, holding camping equipment.]

Polly:
Do we have to play itinerants? I don't see why we should go along with this.

Ben:
Quite agree, Duchess. Let's stage a walkout. What do you think, Doctor?

Second Doctor [Plays a few notes on his recorder, then sings] :
♪ I'm only a strolling vagabond... ♪

Ben:
Well, so much for that idea.

Nyssa / Helen (vo) :
He also lets his Indian pets roam the grounds.

[The Myrka lumbers about behind Polly, Ben and the Doctor. A grinning babewyn leans into the foreground of the view and waves.]

Nyssa / Helen (vo) :
Well, exotic pets anyway. So you see it was bad enough even before my sister died.

Sally / Holmes (vo) :
Your sister is dead, then?

Nyssa / Helen (vo) :
Yes. One year she went to stay with our aunt, and when she came back she was engaged to a half-pay Major of Marines.

[A Victorian Christmas dinner, though there are rather more bottles on the table than there should be. At the head of the table sits Bernice Summerfield, looking somewhat glassy-eyed. Further along, Tegan / Julia is seated next to Mike Yates. The other guests are mere extras.]

Mike:
Hang on. I'm not a major!

[Tegan / Julia leans over and kisses him.]

Mike:
And I'm not in the marines!

[Tegan / Julia kisses him again.]

Mike:
And I'm not on half...

[Tegan / Julia kisses him again, more passionately this time.]

Tegan / Julia:
I could get used to this. So when are you going to marry me?

Mike:
Er, what?

Tegan / Julia:
I prefer short engagements. How about you?

Mike:
I, I hadn't given it much thought.

Tegan / Julia:
Short it is, then.

Nyssa / Helen (vo) :
But she died a fortnight before the wedding.

Mike:
So can I go now?

Izzy / Narrator:
Yes. Be off with you.

[Mike makes his escape, leaving Tegan looking rather disappointed.]

Sally / Holmes (vo) :
Now, let's have the details.

[We see Tegan / Julia in her bed, sleeping uneasily. Outside a storm is raging.]

Nyssa / Helen (vo) :
That fatal night Dr. Roylott had gone to his room early, though we knew that he had not retired to rest, for my sister was troubled by the smell of the strong Indian cigars which it was his custom to smoke.

Tegan / Julia [in her sleep] :
Please fasten your seatbelts and refrain from smoking. We will be landing shortly.

[She wakes suddenly, tries to get back to sleep, and eventually gets up.]

Nyssa / Helen (vo) :
She left her room, therefore, and came into mine, where she sat for some time, chatting.

[Nyssa / Helen's room. Tegan / Julia sits on the end of the bed, talking at full speed.]

Tegan / Julia:
... And another thing. No way was Border out LBW in that last Test. I reckon the umpire must've been an alien in disguise, because no-one with the slightest ounce of humanity...

[With difficulty, Nyssa / Helen suppresses a yawn.]

Nyssa / Helen (vo) :
At eleven o'clock she rose to leave me, but she paused at the door and looked back.

Tegan / Julia:
Tell me, Helen. Have you ever heard anyone whistle in the dead of night?

Nyssa / Helen:
Nope.

Tegan / Julia:
You don't whistle in your sleep or anything?

Nyssa / Helen:
Don't be silly.

Tegan / Julia:
I thought it might be some Trakenite thing.

Nyssa / Helen:
Why did you ask?

Tegan / Julia:
Because I've heard someone whistling at about three in the morning these last few nights.

Nyssa / Helen:
Probably that wretched gypsy chief tootling his recorder.

Tegan / Julia:
That must be it. Good night.

[She goes back to her own room and locks herself in.]

Nyssa / Helen (vo) :
I could not sleep that night. A vague feeling of impending misfortune oppressed me.

[Lightning flashes outside the windows. Gastridge / Roylott's maniacal laughter echoes through the corridors. Sinister music is heard. Track slowly in on a grandfather clock, which shows ten past eleven.]