"So what's the situation?"
Anji checked her notepad. "Lemme see... Harry and Adric turned to stone,
Benny, Chris and Mel all missing, and the Doctors... well, you can see
Grant nodded. He could.
"Listen, what we should be doing is..."
"You've got it all wrong, old chap, the Blinovitch Limitation Effect clearly
"Now, now, hmm, Charterton, _this_ is obviously the force behind..."
"Are they _always_ like this?" Anji moaned.
"Yup." Grant said.
"We're screwed..." Anji said.
"Oh yeah, very..." Gordon said. "Hospital food's _great_..." he muttered
Then he double-took. "Sorry, _Benny's_ missing?"
Alryssa looked at the evangelical light in his eyes. Reminded her of her
"We shall seek out Benny, wheresoever she may be, and assist her in whatever
ultimately light, frothy and amusing adventure she's in!" Gordon proclaimed.
Alryssa facefaulted. "Oh my Goddess... And if there _are_ any around, please
don't say 'You called?'..."
Urd sat back down in her chair, pouting.
"All we need to make this absolutely perfect is..."
Imran looked up from the book he was reading ('Voodoo, And How To Use It On
The BBC'). "Oh, hi guys. What's going on?"
"You _had_ to say it..." Gordon told Alryssa.
"Stuck in the middle, is what," she replied, fwapping Gordon upside
the head. Gordon winced. "Smartarse," she muttered. "OK, the situation
After Alryssa's explanation...
Imran frowned. "I think I understood all that. And that _scares_ me..."
"It does?" Gordon frowned. "Why?"
" 'Cause it means something _bizarre's_ about to happen to make it even
The Odd Trio looked around.
Nothing continued to happen.
The Odd Trio looked up.
The exact doubles of Gordon, Imran and Alryssa, except with satanic beards
(and, in Alryssa's case, a whip) were standing by the table, looking
"Hi," Evil Alryssa said. "Umm... Sorry to disturb you, but... We're the Evil
Odd Trio, and we were looking for a..." She looked at a piece of paper she
was holding. "...Bernice Surprise Summerfield?"
"Does _this_ count as bizarre enough?" Alryssa asked Imran.
"Sorry... can't help you there." Gordon backed away, and tripped over
his own feet, tumbled backwards through the wine cellar door, turned
into a cardboard cutout and landed at the bottom of the stairs in a
heap. A voice floated up from the heap of arms and legs that was
Gordon Dempster. "Bugger."
Luckily, after the last incident, Francois had installed airbags on the
stairs, so Gordon was only slightly traumatised this time.
Imran tensed, not sure if his book would be an adequate weapon against
himself, and also wondering how many orifices there were in the human
body he could shove it into if need be.
"I can think of nine!" claimed the voice from the wine cellar.
"Well? Have you seen her?" demanded the alternate Gordon.
"Er... to be honest, no."
"All righty then. Toodle-oo!"
The 'Round watched them in silence as the Evil Odd Trio exeunted,
Stage Left. The silence was deafening.
"Just when you think it can't get any worse," muttered the Fourth.
"Probability of situation worsening - "
"Oh, put a sock in it, K9..."
Something clattered into the 'Round, and came to a halt at the
The authors looked down at what had clattered in front of them.
"It's a metal aubergine." Alryssa said, somewhat surprised.
"It's _ticking_..." Imran said worriedly.
The duo looked at each other, then dived for the door to the wine cellar,
knocking an unsuspecting Gordon down the stairs again.
The aubergine exploded.
All three authors looked at what had happened.
"Bugger." all three authors said.
It seemed to be the only appropriate word, really.
Entirely one corner of the 'Round was now stone. Compassion was
tapping the now-stone glasses with interest. Izzy looked mortified.
Everyone was checking themselves, and, finding they were not stone,
were sighing with relief.
"This is getting ridiculous," Fourth growled.
"Where did the Odd Trio go?"
The Banana-Wielding Man peered in at the devastation. "Damn. Missed."
"And that's not the _only_ thing you're missing."
The Banana-Wielding Man turned around. "Huh?"
Unconscious Banana-Wielding Man being dragged away by his assailants.
"Gotcha!" yelled Imran triumphantly.
"Good thing you kept hold of those Mega-Huge Licorice Boot Laces we
found under the bar that one time..." Alryssa said.
Gordon gingerly nursed his bruises. "So what do we do with him?"
Alryssa's eyes took on a dangerous gleam.
"I have a few ideas...."
Okay. Okay. Keep very, very quiet.
Grief, what the cruk did we _do_?
Lessee... Met Servalan...
...then woke up here.
Oh Goddess. The way Chris is smiling...
...Roz is gonna _kill_ me! And after what _Jason's_ gonna do when he finds
Okay, Summerfield, keep a clear head, keep a clear head...
Hey, who's that behind Chris? And why's *she* smiling?
No. Can't be Mel. She's got a whip.
Ooh no. Not her. Please, not her...
The woman who looked like Mel (only with a whip) opened one eye. "He_llo_...
And may I say how _good_ it was of dear Servalan to introduce us. I haven't
had such a good time in bed since.. well, we don't need to go into that."
"I'm Mistress Mel. And _you_ will be witness as I... TAKE OVER THE
UNIVERSE!! Oh, and have everyone in it as my subserviant lackeys."
Benny finally remembered what she was going to do.
Scream her head off.
Mel sighed. "I do so hate it when they start doing that. It gives me a
headache, and then I have to kill them. It's so terribly inconvenient.
Benny took the proffered object...
It was long, black and had a bulbous knob on the end.
"Where did you get this Tissue Compression Eliminator from?" she
"Well, you know wht the Master's like, beneath all that bluster and
confidence lies a quiet little pussycat who does what he's told." Mel
flexed her whip to emphasise her point.
Benny shuddered as an image formed in her head.
"Good, this, isn't it?"
The sea of colours flickered across his face.
Washu looked at her guest sideways. "Oh, come _on_! _Surely_ you must have
seen holographic TV before!" Shc considered this. "Then again, this _is_
"Sorry about having to strap you to the table like that... the Universal
Remote Control _may_ be a little dangerous, so we'll _just_ make sure you're
safely restrained...Damn safety restrictions..." she muttered.
Her guest was having trouble speaking. The popcorn Washu had crammed in his
mouth was making it a bit difficult.
He looked like that author... what was his name? The one who'd created
Sherlock Holmes? (now _Holmes_ had been intelligent, for a human). She
shook her head. Probably not important.
She raised the Dimensional Remover, Reconfigurator and Universal Remote
Control. "Now, let me see... Hmm. I think Channel 63, dimension
A-344-Bloople would be a good choice..."
She pressed a button.
All hell broke loose.
And for once, it _wasn't_ Washu's fault...
She thumped her readouts. "Something's interfering with my Remote
The readouts flickered, blinked in a psychotic dance across the
boards. Washu growled and started flicking switches. Then she frowned,
and flicked some more. Nothing seemed to change.
"This is bad. This is very bad..."
"mmfffmmm ffaaaff ooof?"
"What? Oh - " She slapped Doyle on the chest, and popcorn flew out of
his mouth and across the room, hitting the viewscreen.
"I was about to ask, what 's going on? If you don't mind, that is..."
"Someone has control of my Universal Remote Control. Do you have any
idea what this means?!" She began to panic, "It means someone could
use it to disrupt the timer settings on VCR's around the Universe,
thus causing everyone to miss the last, final and utterly absolute
last episode of _Xena: Warrior Princess_! And that would be BAD! It
could destroy the universe as we know it!"
Doyle blinked a few times, and nodded, in the hope she wouldn't kill
Washu howled with rage, then set about finding the person
"Of course, I always have a 'Control Signal Tracer' for _just_ such
emergencies as this." She looked down at the readout, and scowled. "So
_that's_ where it's coming from..."
She stormed out of her laboratory and into the 'Round, Doyle trailing behind
"Right... The control signal came from over _there_. Which means that _you_
are not a Xena fan, and have, incidentally, condemned the Universe to a
Her finger stabbed out at the person who'd just entered the 'Round.
Who said "Eep?"
Everyone turned and looked at the person.
"Ohhhh, this is not good..." Izzy murmured.
"Do I have to get Sailor Gallifrey out here again?" asked the Fifth.
"Be it on your own head if you do, after last time..." retorted
Eighth. The Infinity Doctor looked at him. Eighth flushed and looked
at his feet.
"I dunno, I rather enjoyed the sight of Alryssa in a Japanese schoolgirl's
uniform..." muttered Gordon as he emerged from the wine cellar."
He quickly picked himself up and ran up the stairs.
"Wait! That's not Peri!" yelled Sixth, bounding over and grasping her
mask, pulling it off to reveal....
"It's Mr. Wesker, from the old Amusment Park down the road!!!" cried
<boing, sproing, etc. etc.>
Everyone stared in horror as they realised who it was under the mask,
a figure with short grey hair, a grey moustache. He had a walk that looked
like he'd broken his arse. He had a glazed look in his eyes.
The watermelons he'd had stuffed up his shirt fell to the floor.
The fourth Doctor drunkenly staggered in front of the figure and
waved his hand in front of the newcomer's face.
"He has been hypnotised master!" piped up K9,
"Oh shut up!" shouted the 4th Doc, kicking K9 clear across the room.
"Allow me." said Alryssa. She walked up and fwapped the newcomer
full in the face.
The figure spun around a full 360 degress, before coming to a swaying
halt. He looked around confusedly.
Benny looked up from where she was staring nervously at the TCE.
The Odd Trio had burst in.
Admittedly, they all had satanic beards and Alryssa was carrying a whip, but
they were _definitely_ the Odd Trio.
"Hi. We're the Evil Odd Trio," Evil Imran said.
Well, maybe not.
Evil Alryssa fwapped Evil Gordon, who'd started drooling at the sight of
Benny. "Down, boy! Or do you want me to show you The Eight Doctors again?"
"Oh yesss...." Evil Gordon drooled.
"And who the _cruk_ are you?" Benny said. With as much dignity as possible,
considering Chris and Mistress Mel were in the bed next to her.
"We've come to take you back to 1963, where much plot exposition may or may
not take place..." Evil Alryssa frowned. "Well, maybe..."
"Uh-uh, toots." Mistress Mel told her. "She's working for _me!_"
This could have continued for ages, if it weren't for the fact that Benny
was now pointing the TCE at everybody in the room, thanks to a _definitely_
The Evil Gordon, Alryssa, Imran and Mel all stared at it.
Chris didn't; he was still blissed out.
"QUIIIIIIEEEETTTTT!!!!" Benny yelled.
"Right," Benny said, after things had gone painfully still. "I want to
Which was, unfortunately, when Chris decided to wake up.
Benny slapped Chris.
"Move your hand, *right now*!"
"That's not his hand, sweetheart."
Benny leapt out of the bed, tucking and rolling as best as she
remembered how, which wasn't very well, and came to a stop at the feet
of Evil Imran.
"Please, kill me now. I can't take this much longer."
Imran contemplated this for a moment.
"Mmmm.... no. It'd be too easy. You have a job to do."
And with that, the Evil Odd Trio picked Benny up off the floor and
whisked her away, leaving Mistress Mel with Chris, and a sultry
expression on her face.
The Infinity Professor sighed, alone in his TARDIS. "Good minions are so
hard to get these days..."
He wondered whether he should laugh maniacally yet. Probably not.
"Just one more thing to collect...." he mused. "Then my plan of 37 years
will _finally_ come to conclusion! And then all shall tremble at the name
of... the Infinity Professor!"
Yes. _This_ was when he should do the laugh.
He picked up his head. He muttered about cliches and their overuse,
then went about finding the object he needed.
"It was last seen..." he checked his readouts, "In the Doctor's
"All right, whose bright idea was this?"
He missed having a minion to beat around the head for a few moments.
Then he remembered. "Oh. It was mine. Well. I suppose this means I
have to get into his... er... well. I just hope it's not occupied..."
"Now... which TARDIS did I... Oh *cruk*..." he said, remembering certain
recent book events.
Then he remembered that the different Doctors would have brought their _own_
TARDISes to the 'Round.
All he had to do would be to materialise his TARDIS around the one he
Kamelion (in Frobisher's form) waddled into the console room. "Doc! Hey,
Doc! We're out of chocolate pilchards again..." (Frobisher had explained the
'keeping up appearances' principle to him. Unfortunately, being what he was,
he'd gone overboard...)
Then he noticed the TARDIS standing in one corner of the room. "Don't tell
me he got pissed again... Come on... Putting a red oscillating light on it
and materialising it around itself? He must have been well..."
Snoring from the TARDIS bedroom. "_Spectacularly..._" he reflected.
Only one thought was going through the Infinity Professor's mind as he
watched this on the screen.
Unfortunately, it was unprintable.
Mainly because it was in Old Low Gallifreyan, for which there is no
written form, but that aside, let's just say it wasn't complimentary,
and involved the word 'Pingu' several times.
He calmed down. Right. Slip past the penguin, into the Doctor's bedroom,
past the sleeping Doctor, and pick up what he wanted.
The theme music from 'Mission: Impossible' started to play.
Muttering something about 'bloody cliches', he switched off the CD player
and set his plan in motion...
Kamelion was snoring by now, fast asleep after a binge on the Doctor's
secret stash of jelly babies. So he didn't see the Professor as he
snuck past to ransack the room.
After a few minutes of tossing aside various items of clothing and
personal effects, not all of them very obviously the Doctor's, the
Infinity Professor found what he was looking for.
"Bwaaaarrrrp," replied Kamelion, as he rolled over.
Meanwhile, back in the bedroom...
"Oh Chris, that's a very impressive organ!"
"Would you like to play on it?"
"Oh yes!" Mistress Mel bounced up and down.
"Hold on while I warm it up."
Cousin Towelling (who was left behind during the last rollicking
adventure and was now employed as a part-time janitor) looked
worried as he heard a bizarre moaning sound emanating from the
"Now here," said Chris, taking hold of Mistress Mel's hands, "Just
touch it like this..."
Mistress Mel touched it and a huge noise filled the room.
"An original 1920's Wurlitzer Organ," said Chris. " It's my pride and
"Imran, stop prodding CushingDoc!"
"This is bad," InfiniDoc said. "This is very, very bad..."
"Someone hypnotised our Movie self to prevent the universe's VCRs from
recording the very last ep of Xena, Harry and Adric are stone, Chris and
Benny are still missing, someone's just thrown an exploding aubergine into
the 'Round, strange banana-wielding men are running around, and Gordon keeps
falling down the stairs..." Sixth moaned.
He thought about this.
"You're right, it _is_ bad..."
"So what do we do?" Fifth asked.
"You're sure he can't remember anything?" Eighth asked Seventh, who'd been
deputised to look after CushingDoc.
"Afraid not..." Seventh said. "Whomever did this placed very good blocks. If
I had more time..."
The Cushing Doctor stood up unexpectedly. "I have it! We must arrange an...
Escape to Danger!"
"Ye gods. Must have been over-fwapped..." Third said.
"And how the _cruk_ are we supposed to do that?!" Fourth snapped, now with a
Everyone looked at the Odd Trio. And grinned.
The Odd Trio gulped.
"Ummm..." Imran said. "I don't suppose there's much chance of Danger being a
nice holiday resort, is there?"
The Sixth smiled wickedly. "Oh no... You've just been selected to escape to
one of the most hazardous, life-threatening and deadly locations in the
Universe to learn precisely what is going on... Escape to BBC Television
"And _I'm_ going to help!" Washu said.
"Kill me now..." Gordon said.
"Hmm..." Imran said, examining his copy of 'Voodoo, and How To Use It On the
"Washu _is_ from Tenchi, right?" Alryssa asked Imran.
"Yup..." Imran said.
"We're dead," Alryssa concluded.
"Could have been worse," Imran said. "Could've been Ranma..."
Gordon shuddered, he seemed to be having some sort of flashback.
"No, not the bucket of water. No, no Auntie, not the ice-cold bucket
Alryssa fwapped him just for the hell of it.
"Whazzat? Eh? Huh? Wha?"
"What was that about cold water?" asked Imran suspiciously.
"Nothing, honest, no reason, must be post concussion syndrome from
falling down all those stairs..."
Alryssa turned back to Imran...
"It could be worse?" Alryssa looked at the motley crew that was being
assembled. "I doubt it."
Sam, Alryssa, Gordon, Imran, Sarah Jane, the Eighth Doctor and the
Sixth Doctor lined up.
"All right," nodded Sixth to the other Doctors. "We're ready."
"Well... if you can call venturing into the mosh pit of doom that is
the BBC a situation anyone can be ready *for*," muttered Alryssa.
A big swirly thing appeared in the middle of the 'Round.
"Cor. It's like a episode of Sliders," exclaimed Sam.
"Off you go," said Second, "and be careful!"
"Naturally," replied the Eighth, and led the way into the vortex.
The others looked at each other.
"Here goes nothing," said Imran, and hurled himself into the swirly
thing. The others followed, and as soon as everyone was through, the
vortex closed up.
But not before something had followed them through...