Inside the 'Round, 1963...
..well, at the moment, only the cast of Serial A had turned up at the
moment, and were watching the newcomers in bafflement.
"This is the future?" Ian said.
"For all our sakes, I _hope_ not, Chessington..." the Doctor said. "Whips?
Evil beards? Squirming bags?" He shook his head. "In _my_ day, we did that
"What did he say?"
"What did she say?"
"Benny said 'He wants a beer, you pillocks!'."
A beer having been provided (and Jason realising he couldn't _drink_ it
through the bag, which led to further squirming), the Evil and Neutral Odd
Trios sat down.
"I don't get this. I thought the Odd Trio were the Neutral Odd Trio..." Evil
"Ex... Exact... Yup." Neutral Gordon said. "We're... wharrarewe, again,
Then he fell over.
"We're the Indecisive Odd Trio," Neutral Alryssa explained. "We can't decide
whether to be Odd, or Evilly Odd."
"_That_ explains a lot..." Evil Alryssa snickered.
"Yeah. So we'd decided to stop you guys..." Neutral Imran explained.
"But you hadn't decided why, or what you were gonna do next..." Evil Imran
Indecisive Gordon frowned. "So what _do_ you want with Benny and Jason?"
The Evil Odd Trio looked at each other.
Then they grinned. Evilly.
"It's very simple, really..."
"We need some, er... *friends* shall we say."
"Um. Right.... no, I mean, that's wrong!"
"They are perfect for our plan... to rule the Universe!"
"Correction... *my* plan!"
Everyone turned to the doors to the 'Round. Servalan was standing
there, with an advance guard, armed to the teeth.
"Hey! You're not supposed to be in here!"
"'Supposed' to be in here? Of course not! I have this place
surrounded! It shall be mine, and through it, I shall dominate the
world of fanfiction and the authors forever! Starting with Benny and
"Oh, *cruk*..." the Neutral Trio muttered.
"Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear..."
"Imran, stop quoting Alice in Wonderland and _run!_" Gordon screeched.
"The Doctors aren't..." Sam said.
"Umm. That'd be because it's only an inch high..." Sarah said.
"An inch-high BBC 2 logo is attacking us?" Gordon said. "What, it got big
sharp pointy teeth or something?"
The others simply *looked* at him.
"Yes," the Doctors said, in absolute seriousness.
"Oh Gawd, we're stuck in a Monty Python sketch..." Imran moaned.
The Doctors looked at each other.
"Ready?" Eighth said.
"Ready." Sixth said.
"ANORAK RANGER GO!"
"Hey... Oh no. Oh no. If this is about Sailor Gallifrey..." Imran started.
'Nice to see someone _else_ on the receiving end for once..." Gordon
Eighth and Sixth watched Imran's transformation in interest.
"Must compliment Washu on her battle armour..." Sixth said.
"Are you _sure_ we should have slipped it in his pocket when he wasn't
looking?" Eighth asked.
"_He_ isn't complaining..." Sixth observed.
And when the transformation stopped...
...Gordon had fallen down some conveniently located stairs, which hadn't
been there a moment ago.
"Bah," he said.
Imran looked down at himself.
"Aie!" he yelped, "Can't... stop... myself... quoting..."
The Doctors rummaged in their pockets...
"Bring forth the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch!"
Sam groaned. She knew what was coming...
Suddenly, the Evil Odd Trio burst in through the door, which was
rather noisy as they didn't bother to open it first.
The Neutral Odd Trio hung around outside in the Round, debating
whether to come in or stay outside or go for a pint...
"Right!" shouted Evil Alryssa, "Before we start anything, we'd just
like to clarify something, if we're the Evil Odd Trio and that bunch
of ditherers out there are the Neutral Odd Trio, then you guys are..."
"The Good Odd Trio!" shouted Imran with slightly *too* much
"Chaotic Good, natch." added Gordon.
"Ah," said Evil Gordon evilly, "Now just stand there so we can give
you your complimentary kick in the bollocks."
"Sod this, Imran you ready to kick some evil twin candy ass?"
"Yep" rpelied Imran, getting used to the new battle armour.
"Right then...ACID SEA POWERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!"
And when the clouds had dissipated, and everyone had stopped
"Umm... Who won?"
"Yes, he did."
"Imran, that joke's old even _now_..."
...The Evil, Neutral and Good Odd Trios found themselves in a tangled heap.
"Hey, are you Evil Gordon or Good Gordon?"
"I think my brain melted..."
"Yeah, but are you Evil Gordon or Good Gordon?"
"I thought _you_ were Good Gordon..."
"I'm Evil Alryssa."
"Oh. That explains it..."
Sam looked at them. "Okay. Where did _you_ lot come from?"
Neutral Alryssa rubbed her head. "Ooooh.... Last thing _I_ remember, I was
in the 'Round, in 1963, and Servalan and her lackeys had us..."
She looked up. "Uh-oh..."
And, indeed, Servalan and her lackies had _all_ of them - all _three_ Odd
Trios (bar Good Alryssa), Sam, Sarah, and the Sixth and Eighth Doctors,
The Eighth grinned.
"What are _you_ so happy about?" Sarah demanded.
"The Holy Hand Grenade of St. Antioch..." he whispered.
"I've just pulled the pin."
Servalan grinned. "Oh, good. You're going to blow _yourselves_ up..."
Tick. Tick. Tick.
"Now, the last stages. I have the final component, the Infinity Doctor is,
without even knowing it, right where I need him to be, and Eric has
things taken care of at the BBC... " The Infinity Professor smirked.
"At last, it's all coming together..."
He pulled the lever of his TARDIS...
... and there was an almighty screeching...
"Oh, shut UP, you stupid bird!" yelled the Infinity Professor, as he
threw a shoe at the canary's cage.
Somewhere, sometime, the Vortex split in two.
In the BBC Studios:
"Did you feel that?" murmured the Eighth to the Sixth.
"This is not good... this is _not_ good!"
Fitz looked at his soon-to-be fellow traveller in concern. "Anj?"
"Someone...Someone's split the Vortex... T...Time... rift..."
"Uh-oh..." Chris said.
"NO!" Anji screamed. "WON'T... WON'T LET THIS..." She whipped her sunglasses
off., revealing vortices where her eyes should be.
The swirling, shifting colours of the Vortex enveloped them...
...and they were somewhere else.
Chris sometimes wondered why the Universe couldn't just be *nice* for
a change and deposit him on a beach in Guadaloupe, instead of the heap
of arms and limbs that seemed vaguely Doctor-shaped.
"Oh... sorry!" Chris jumped to his feet. They were back in the 'Round,
present time. This was sort of a good thing, he concluded.
Problem was, the place was deserted, apart from him, Sailor Fitz,
Anji... and the Infinity Doctor...
"Then where's the real Tom Kelly?" asked Conrad.
Eric rose up slowly, breathing heavily and misting up the glass jaw.
"But first, we have to deal with you." he said menacingly.
Suddenly, as if by magic...
A large anvil, marked '2 Tonnes' dropped from above.
Alryssa dove behind the boxes, and grimaced at the squelching noises.
When the dust settled, and she felt brave enough to peek out, Alryssa
looked out from her vantage point.
It was quiet. Too quiet...
And a TARDIS with an oscillating red light materialised in the cellar.
The Infinity Professor stepped out. "Ah, Eric. See you've been putting my
Ressurrector to good use, I see..."
Eric bowed. Behind him, Gorman, Kelly and Conrad tried to heave the 2-tonne
weight off themselves. "You... You've completed it?"
The Infinity Professor bowed. "Indeed I have. I have the final component,
stolen from the Doctor's bedroom..."
Alryssa, hiding behind the boxes, suddenly became _very_ interested.
"The Infinity Doctor, little though he knows it, is about to ensure that our
plans to reshape Who in our image come to fruition...."
The Infinity Professor and Eric started the Laughter of Evil (tm).
Alryssa clenched her fist. There was only one thing for it...
And it was right about _then_ the EBers burst into the studio...
...and she sighed with relief!
"There they are, grrrls! Get 'em!" yelled Auntie Krizu, waving her
handy spatula in the air.
"Nooooo! Get out of here! You'll ruin everything!"
The EB'ers stormed the studio, attacking the evildoers with their
bottles of maple syrup and various sharp implements picked up along
the way. Alryssa watched the mayhem ensue from her place behind the
boxes, and debated joining in.
But she had to find that component - whatever it was - and take it
before Eric and the Infinity Professor could make off and try again
with their dastardly plan.
"How am I supposed to know what the Doctor keeps in his bedroom?" she
asked herself, trying hard _not_ to let her mind wander...
Then she saw it. Inconspicuous, but there nonetheless. She smirked,
and began moving around the pitched battle to get to it...
Well, it _was_ pretty obvious. Who but the Doctor would have a fluffy teddy
Rather a cute one, actually.
Massive case of arrested development, that guy...
Alryssa stopped _that_ train of thought, and slipped closer towards the
...although how a fluffy _Yeti_ was going to enable the bad guys to rule
Who, she really, really, wanted to know...
...dodging the occasional burst of maple syrup, she reached out her hand...
The Infinity Professor saw what she was doing, and screamed. "NOOOOOO!!!!!
IT'S NOT TIME!!!"
And everything changed.
"I hoped I was going to be able to avoid all this, but thanks to those
meddling kids, I'm going to have to sort this out myself..."
Mel muttered to herself as she approached the 'Round, her lackeys
I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU KNOW THE RIGHT WAY TO THIS ROUND PLACE?
"What the... hey! You're not supposed to do that!" Mel snarled,
whirling round to face the cloaked figure.
Death grinned at her... but then, that was all he was capable of,
having a skull for a face.
"Barge in on my invasion!"
INVASION? OH. HOW DULL. WHAT'S WRONG WITH A GOOD OLD
KNEES-UP, I ASK YOU.
ODD. I SHOULDN'T BE LOST. I CAN'T BE LOST. THERE SEEMS TO BE A
"...in the Force?" Mel said sweetly.
Death grinned. Being a skeleton, that was all he could do. NO. BETWEEN LIFE
AND DEATH. SOMEONE'S RESURRECTING PEOPLE WITHOUT PERMISSION...
"Do you think they could resurrect Freddie Mercury?" Mel asked.
THIS IS _NOT_ A LAUGHING MATTER.
"I _liked_ the guy..."
AND THE SOURCE... Death grinned even more. WELL, WELL. SO WE
MEET AGAIN, INFINITY PROFESSOR. AND YOU'VE GOT A
NEW FRIEND, TOO. _SOMEONE'S_ BEEN BUSY...
Death bent down and whispered in her ear.
Mistress Mel grinned. "Ooh. This should be fun."
Something moved in the shadows of the PMEB's lair...
"Ooh. A McGann brother. And he's all _mine_..."
Mark struggled in his bonds. This did *not* sound good. Nevertheless, he had
to ask. "Umm... could you untie me? Please?"
"And miss out on all the fun?" the voice crooned. "_Especially_ since we're
The voice's owner stepped into the light.
... it was Terrance Dicks!
The struggling began in earnest.
"Help me! Someone! I'll be good, I promise!!!!"
Someone had to hear him, right?
"Now... what was it.... Ah yes, I remember. I've decided to expand _beyond_
Who. So, for my next project, I'm going to do a sequal to Withnail & I. And
_you_ get to screentest for it."
"Although I think we should have some monsters in it. Not green ones, of
"Leave him alone."
Terrance turned around. "I was only asking..."
"Hah! Magic Electrical Charley knows your evil plans!"
"_Magic Electrical Charley?_" Terrance and Mark chorused.
"Long story. Anyway... Tremble before the wrath of my dreaded Static
Terrance and Mark _looked_ at each other. This girl was round the _bend_...
The electric shock that left their hair standing on end soon proved them
Smoking, Terrance collapsed. Mark blinked, dazed.
"Er... do I get to be untied now?" he ventured.
Charley looked almost disappointed.
"Oh, I suppose so. We have to get to the 'Round, anyway."
"But I don't - hurk!"
Before he could protest, he had been released and bundled over her
"No time. Come on!"
Chris looked around him at the deserted 'Round. "Hey, where'd everybody go?"
"I was thinking that myself..." Fitz said. "Eeeuuucch. I've _really_ gotta
get out of this fuku..."
"T... Time... rift," Anji gasped. 'Retroactive..."
The Infinity Doctor looked sadly at them. "There's been a time rift. Someone
has retroactively altered history... so that Paul McGann was the first
Doctor. And since he was only the Doctor from 1996 onwards..."
"Oh, _cruk_." Chris said. "We're screwed, aren't we...?"
They turned around.
Behind them were Death, Mistress Mel...
....and a squad of Federation troopers.
"Retroactive alteration of history?" Mistress Mel mused. "Now, with _that_,
I could set myself up as Ruler of the Universe for all time... But first..."
She clicked her fingers.
The troops stepped forward.
"...I'm going to have so much _fun_ with you..."
The Doctor continued to grin as the ticking continued. Sarah whispered
urgently into his ear.
"What do you think you're *doing*?!"
TICK. TICK. TICK....
"Are you nuts?"
"That's a point up for debate, but trust me on this, Sarah..."
Servalan watched them all, and realised the Doctor wasn't joking.
Then Neutral Gordon realised something....
_The Doctor wasn't holding the hand grenade!_
So where was the ticking coming from...?
Tick. Tick. Tick...
Evil Gordon examined his wristwatch. "Damn. The home-made Guinness is
"*Guinness?!*" Evil and Neutral Alryssa chorused. "Why didn't you _say_?!"
Evil Gordon shrugged. "I thought we'd be back in time..."
Tick. Tick. Tick.
"That's not the wristwatch, is it?" Good Imran said gloomily.
"Nope. That's the hand grenade." Evil Imran said.
"So where is it?" Neutral Imran said.
The explosion that followed rendered any further conversation moot.
Or it _would_ have, if...
...if it hadn't been just Servalan and her allies who had been
affected by the blast.
When the dust cleared, the Doctors and the Trios and the Companions
coughed and flapped at the tendrils of smoke that wound around the now
quiet pub, blinking.
"Whappen?" croaked Sam.
Eighth looked smug.
"I think we've solved one of our problems... for now."
Sarah Jane looked at where Servalan had been standing.
"Ugh. Now I understand how Dorothy must have felt when she saw what
the house fell on..."
Sam tried not to throw up.
Blinking, the EB'ers looked around themselves.
Everything was gone. The studios, the people... everything. There
Alryssa flailed in the void of Nothing.
"Ack! I wasn't ready for *that*..." she gasped, realising suddenly how
tightly she was clutching the Yeti.
Auntie Krizu floated past, and waved.
"Er... hi. What did you do?"
"I think we're in a state of flux, to be honest. Everything's so
uncertain, the timeline isn't sure what to do, so it's put us in a
sort of holding pattern," she replied.
*Wait a darned minute, I'm not supposed to know that!* she thought.
She glanced at the Yeti, which stared impassively back with its large
"So what do we do now?" asked Trina, as she back-stroked towards them.
Alryssa thought hard.
"Well... we could wait for the Doctor to find us and sort this mess
"Or I could...."
Could... put everything right? Put everything back the way it was before
this all started? Set up a history where Paul was the Doctor in a TV series
which started with the TVM?
Then what was the point of _this_? Of the experiences she'd had? Would they
be meaningless? Or would she find her own meaning in them?
What to do, what to do...
"Get _on_ with it!" Trina yelled.
Set history on course. Have everything happen the way it did.
But with one or two tweaks...
"Hold on, grrls... I'm not sure this'll work..."
Alryssa reached out for the Yeti again.
And they were back in the studio.
Except, this time, the Infinity Professor and Eric were bound (and gagged)
by velvet ropes...
Alryssa wiped her forehead. "Gotcha. Looks like we didn't need the Richards
She peered at the Yeti again. Now why _had_ she chosen to put things right?
The Yeti didn't reply.
Fitz eyed Chris, who was blushing furiously. "Christopher, I didn't think
you went that way..."
"Ummm...." Chris stammered.
Mel smirked. "But I do..."
Suddenly, the doors to the 'Round burst open, and Magic Electrical
Charley burst in with her McGann brother.
"Taste my electric power, foul Mistress of Evil!" she yelled, and let
loose with her full attack.
"I object to that, I'm only mildly goodness challenged!" Mel retorted.
Everyone dove for cover. Then they cautiously poked their heads out
from behind their respective hiding places.
The troops had fallen over, senseless. Death had disappeared.
Mel, on the other hand, was still standing... albeit slightly singed. She
grinned. "Did I mention I'm a masochist?"
At which point, Chris brought out a set of bagpipes he'd found. "Anyone for
"AAAHHHHHH!!!!" Mel screamed.
"ARE YOU SURE YOU DIDN'T MEAN _SADIST?!_" Fitz yelled over the noise.
Anji grinned. "Excuse me a moment."
She took off her sunglasses, and looked into Mel's eyes.
"Wind of the Vortex." she murmured.
Everyone else looked away...
...and when they looked back, Mel was gone.
"Where'd she go?" Chris wondered.
Anji shrugged. "Somewhere else. That's the problem with this... She'll
probably be back, _nothing_ stops her..."
Chris started blushing.
Anji breathed out in relief. "Good to see _someone_ remembered we needed the
Charley grinned. "No problem."
"But I don't _know_ how to unpetrify them!!" Mark protested.
"No, but you've got another banana..." Fitz observed.
Chris clicked his fingers. "And if we have what _did_ it, we've got a couple
of mad scientists..." He trailed off, looking at the empty Round. "Oh."
"Let's go outside," Anji said.
AHH. EXCUSE ME A MOMENT.
WELL, PARDON ME FOR NOT LIVING, I'M SURE. OH, DON'T
WORRY ABOUT IT. _NO-ONE_ REALLY DIES AROUND HERE...
And the rubble - and the bodies - were gone.
Neutral Gordon scratched his head. "What _I_ don't get is why we kept
flipping back between here and the BBC Studios..."
"Time rift..." the Eighth explained. "Somebody retroactively altered
history... but something went wrong. A malfunctioning TARDIS, perhaps,
interfering with what would happen. And a time rift was created between
here and the BBC's studios... which we kept falling through, as history
made up its mind what actually happened. Which reminds me..." He
pulled out a mobile phone, and tapped in a number. "Justin? Everything's
been set right... well, almost. Just one or two loose ends to tie up..."
It was Sam who caught on first. "You mean... you _knew_?! All you had to do
was _phone_ him and ask what the cruk was going on? You set this up, you old
bastard..." She grinned.
The Eighth tried to look innocent. "Well, actually... I _knew_ we had to go
to the BBC, but I didn't know _why_..."
Imran looked around. "Hey, there's an Alryssa missing..."
"And that, presumably, was why we went. Why _they_ came here..." He eyed the
Evil Trio, who looked embarrassed. "I believe that their attempt to use
Benny to rule the world, using her knowledge of 20th century archaeology to
learn what will be most valuable in the future, hide them now, collect them
later down the line, and then use the money to leverage world dominance, has
The Evil Trio nodded hastily.
"Now, the Time Rings?"
Evil Alryssa blushed, and handed them over.
The Eighth held them up. "Now, I think, it's time to see how the others got
And the Trios, Sam, Sarah, the bagged Benny and Jason, and the Doctors were
The First sighed. "You know what worries me, Chanterton? What worries me is
that I will have explain all of that, mmm, in 37 years' time. I must make a
note of what he said..."
He started scribbling in his diary.
"Brilliant. How are we going to get back home _now_?!" Chris moaned.
"Turn around, Chris..." Anji smirked.
Chris did. And *gawped*. Through the windows, he could see the Round
bustling with activity. "How..."
"The time rift healed while we were inside _that_ Round. All we had to do to
go home was go outside... and let _our_ Round reassert itself..." Anji said.
"How do you _know_ all that?" Charley wondered.
Anji shrugged. "I'm plugged into the Vortex. I know weird time stuff like
"So let's get this sorted out, yeah?" Fitz said.
"Any chance of a drink?" Mark wondered, as the others went in.
"Banana first." Chris said. "_Then_ drink."
A little tinkering by Washu and the Third quickly whipped up a solution to
Harry and Adric's problems.
Well, not _all_ of them, but they _were_ unpetrified...
Alryssa and the EB'ers returned from the BBC, Eric and the Professor tied
and gagged behind them.
The others returned from 1963... and _finally_ remembered to untie Benny and
Nyssa greeted Adric with a friendly pair of scissors through the heart.
Roz dragged Chris into a corner and yelled at him. Happily.
Doyle started writing the adventure up... and just as quickly threw it away,
reasoning that no sane person would be believed to have written it...
Alryssa hung on to the Yeti.
The Neutral and Evil Odd Trios went on holiday.
To the BBC studios.
The last that was heard of them, the executives were _begging_ them to go
home, but they were having too much fun... playing with... the executives...
"So, is everything sorted out?" Alryssa wondered. "I _won't_ say back to
"I'll let _you_ answer that one..." Imran said. "I took care of it last
Alryssa grinned and looked at her new addition to her cuddly toy
Eighth wandered up to the bar.
"So, Doc... what happened to the Infinity Doctor and the Professor?"
"We got a few authors to write them back where they belonged... hey,
Eighth reached out the Yeti. Alryssa snatched it up.
"Not any more. I went through Eric Saward to get this thing."
He puppy-dogged. Alryssa sighed. Imran chuckled.
"I think you'll have to return that Yeti, or you won't hear the end of
it," Imran said, downing the last of his drink, and watching Gordon
across the room having an animated conversation with Benny.
"I want a promise in return," she decided.
Eighth considered for a moment.
"Anything," he nodded.
"No, you said 'Anything'! Let me think..."
... and as the camera pulls away, we hear the strains of 'Yesterday'
emanating from the Pub Outside Continuity... where nothing is out of
Even loose ends.
But that's life. :)
Notes: The denizens of the Round must save Harry and Adric from a fate worse
than death... by visiting the BBC...