I said I would do this. It's been running round my head for a long time. Don't ask me why. TTR/LWT - Story time! Gereint and Enid by V Jewitt In which, Gwen Cooper visits the creche and tells a Welsh story filled with blood, gore and sex. It's not Torchwood, just the Mabinogion. **** "What's so difficult about it?" asked Gwen Cooper. "You manage those children with no sweat at all, but when it comes to reading them a bedtime story -." Izzy sighed. "You've been *in* one. Didn't that show you?" "Frankly, it was a bit disturbing, but no worse than the day job. I'll give it a go." She looked at her cautiously. "I promised them a story about a knights and castles." "No problem," said Gwen, smiling. * Gwen looked at her audience. "I've found a story about knights for you, with lots of violence and a bit of romance - 'Gereint ac Enid'." Rose sucked her thumb. "Who's in it, Miss? Can I be a princess?" This was followed by a loud dissenting chorus of requests for nearly every inhabitant of Nameless. "We'll soon find out, won't we?" Six folded his arms and glared. "Izzy said she'd never do that story again!" "We don't like it," added Peri, looking close to tears. Zoe nodded solemnly. "Last time she tried, there was a real murder." "ME!" burst out Little Six. "I got killed!" He thumped the sniggering Ainley Master. "Wasn't funny." "Oh," said Gwen. "That was what that was about, was it? Never mind, this time we'll do it properly." * NARRATOR / GWEN It was King Arthur's habit to gather his court together to spend Christmas, Easter and on this occasion Whitsuntide at Caer Llion, being the most accessible place in his kingdom, with thirteen churches set aside for the use of his knights and Gwenhyvar's ladies. On Whit Tuesday the Emperor Arthur was sitting and carousing when there entered a tall auburn-haired lad in a tunic and surcoat. KING ARTHUR / (BATTLEFIELD) BRIGADIER Oh, really, this is getting ridiculous. Can't I have a day off? MADAWG / TURLOUGH Well, at least you've got a pint, sir. ARTHUR Very funny. What do you want? MADAWG / TURLOUGH Hail, lord. God be good to you, and his welcome to you - ARTHUR Never mind your fancy words, young Turlough, what are you doing here? GWEN / NARRATOR Brigadier, you're King Arthur. PLEASE! ARTHUR Have you any news? MADAWG Lord, I have. ARTHUR Well, I don't recognise you. Will you get on and tell me what it is you've come after? If it's anything to do with driving my car, you can forget it. GWENHYVAR / DORIS Dear, let him say what he came to. MADAWG I wonder at that for I am your forester from the Forest of Dean - Madawg son of Two-er-garden is my name. Perhaps your memory is failing you in your old age? GWEN / NARRATOR Madawg son of *Twrgadarn*. Make an effort with the Welsh. It's just as well this isn't set in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch or Machynlleth. ARTHUR Tell us your news. MADAWG / TURLOUGH [getting annoyed] I am trying! I saw in the forest a hart the like of which I have never seen before. It is pure white and out of arrogance and pride in its lordliness it will travel with no other animal. I have come to you for advice on the matter. GWENHYVAR Oh dear. [Puts her head in her hands] ARTHUR I will do what is best. Early tomorrow morning I will go and hunt it. Five rounds rapid will do the trick. Tonight I will inform those in the guest houses and Rivers and Ellery and everyone else. GWENHYVAR [sighing] I knew it. NARRATOR That's Rhyverys and Elivri. ARTHUR That's what I said. If you're going to keep repeating everything, this is going to take longer than that infernal Austen tale. GWENHYVAR Lord, will you allow me to go out tomorrow and watch the hunting of the hart which the page spoke of? Gosh, I sound very grammatical, don't I? ARTHUR Gladly, Doris - I mean, Gwen-whatsit. Thought you didn't like that kind of thing. GWENHYVAR Oh, it's all right, dear. I shall make sure I am late! NARRATOR / GWEN Arthur had of course gathered all his court, including Gwalchmei, the most distinguished of his nine captains. ARTHUR Nine? I must say, that's more than I ever had before. GWALCHMEI / CAPTAIN YATES Look, I've got an idea, sir. Would it not be right to allow the hunter who succeeds in cutting off the head - whether he be mounted or on foot - to present it to his lover, or to a companion's lover? GWENHYVAR [To herself] Yes, because every girl *loves* that kind of present. Oh, dear, oh dear... ARTHUR I don't see why not. And now - everyone must be ready to go hunting in the morning. GWEN / NARRATOR They spent a quiet evening with songs and entertainment and conversation and enough service and when they all thought it time for bed, they went. They woke at dawn, and Arthur called upon his chamberlains, who came and dressed him - [Four UNIT SOLDIERS enter] BRIGADIER I'm sorry, but I have to draw the line somewhere. No! NARRATOR Fair enough. When he was ready in the morning, Arthur was surprised to see that Gwenhyvar had not woken. The men wanted to wake her, but Arthur would not hear of it. ARTHUR Leave her alone, thank you - she would rather sleep than hunt. Now, let's go! * NARRATOR When Gwenhyvar woke, she was slightly p*ssed off to be left alone after being given permission to join the hunt, but that's men for you. She found that there were only two suitable horses left, so she and her handmaiden rode out to catch up with the rest. GWENHYVAR / DORIS There's no need for language like that, young lady. I really don't want to see a lot of silly men charging round a forest after some poor, defenceless animal. Handmaiden, come here! HANDMAIDEN / MARTHA [entering at a run in her maid's outfit] I knew I'd regret playing a servant. Is this going to happen a lot? NARRATOR They had not gone far, when a young man, wearing tunic, surcoat, gold- hilted sword and a green mantle with a gold apple in each corner overtook them. [The FIFTH DOCTOR / GEREINT rides up, dressed in his usual outfit.] GWENHYVAR Why, Gerald, how nice to see you! NARRATOR / GWEN Gereint! That's a hard 'g' and an 'I' sound for the second syllable. DORIS I'm sorry, I thought it was Gerald. GEREINT / FIFTH DOCTOR God's welcome to you. Why did you not go hunting with your lord? GWENHYVAR I overslept this morning. How come he left you behind? GEREINT Well, lady, I was also asleep, so I did not see him leave either. GWENHYVAR [cheerfully] Never mind. Of all the young lads in the kingdom, I think you are the best for companionship. We can enjoy the hunt as much as the hunters, for we will hear the horns being sounded and the dogs being unleashed and starting to bay. GEREINT [paling slightly] Yes, um, that sounds wonderful. [Pausing to address the narrator] Did she say I'm Gereint? NARRATOR Well, no, but it was what she meant. GEREINT Not, um, Gareth, then? NARRATOR / GWEN No. GEREINT Hmm. Strange. NARRATOR At that moment, they heard a great commotion and they saw a dwarf riding towards them, a whip in his hand and next to him was a woman on a proud pure-white horse and next to *her* was a knight on a huge mud- spattered war horse, both covered in heavy gleaming armour. See, things have always been interesting in Wales... GWENHYVAR Gereint, do you know that great knight yonder? GEREINT No, although I can't see his face behind that strange armour. GWENHYVAR [to her handmaid] Woman, go and ask that dwarf there who the knight is. HANDMAIDEN / MARTHA [rides over to the three riders] Who is the knight? DWARF / SIL Ha! I will not say. [Gives his gurgling laugh] MARTHA [fascinated] How do you do that? Oh, well, I shall just ask him myself. DWARF No, shall you not! Entitle you to talk to my lord yeurr rank does not! HANDMAID / MARTHA [turning to the knight] I didn't understand a word of that. Sir, who are you? NARRATOR At that, the dwarf struck her with his whip and the blood welled forth and she rode back to Gwenhyvar. HANDMAID [hand to her head, as blood drips down] Owwwwwww! GEREINT That was a cruel thing. I will go and find out who that knight is. GWENHYVAR Yes, do. Oh, stop moaning, girl. MARTHA [still bleeding] Thanks for the sympathy, everyone. NARRATOR So Gereint rode over and asked the dwarf himself, but he still would not reveal the knight's identity. GEREINT Then I shall ask him myself! DWARF By my faith, you shan't. Honourable, you are not so as to desyeurrve to speak with my lord. GEREINT I beg your pardon? NARRATOR Gereint started to ride towards the knight, but the dwarf struck him, as he had the girl. GEREINT [hand to his head] You've made me bleed! If I weren't so honourable a knight, I would kill you here and now, but I've no mind to get into a fight with your knight while I'm not wearing armour, so I shall come after you both later. [Rides back to GWENHYVAR] GWENHYVAR You acted very wisely. There is no point in all this silly killing, is there? GEREINT Quite. But with your permission, I shall go and find some armour and ride after him. If I survive, I shall send you news by tomorrow afternoon. NARRATOR Gereint set out in pursuit. [GEREINT rides away from GWENHYVAR and her HANDMAIDEN] NARRATOR The mysterious trio had taken the road below the court of Caer Llion, crossing the ford at Wysg and travelling through excellent and lovely flat plains until they came to a walled town with a fortress and castle at one end. The knight was recognised by everyone, but Gereint saw no one he knew and was a bit of a loss to find a suit of armour. But every house he saw was full of men and horses and arms, busy in preparation. The knight went to stay in the castle, so Gereint found a tumbledown court and battered hall some distance from the town. GEREINT I don't suppose I shall run into that knight in here. NARRATOR He entered the house and found a hoary old man sitting on the stairs in torn clothes. OLD MAN / FIRST DOCTOR What are you doing, staring at me like that? What are you thinking? GEREINT I don't have anywhere to stay tonight. Um, your clothes don't look especially ragged. OLD MAN My dear boy, do you suppose I'm going to let people tear my clothes for a piece of nonsense like this? What a ridiculous idea! Yes, you may stay here for the night. Now, follow me. NARRATOR He led him up the stairs, where he saw a very old woman in a ragged old brocade dress and the most beautiful girl he had seen, wearing a shift and mantle that was beginning to fray. OLD MAN Well, girl, don't just stand there. This gentleman has come to stay and he has no groom for his horse but you. TEGAN / ENID [indignant] Wait a minute! GEREINT / FIVE [folding his arms and looking apprehensive] You can't cast Tegan as Enid! The woman's supposed to be a paragon of patience. OLD WOMAN / PANNA Idiot! GWEN / NARRATOR I think you'll find that's that Griselda thing out of Chaucer. Enid's got a little bit more get up and go than that. Well, ish. TEGAN Oh, well. As long as there's no Mara, I don't care. FIVE [sitting and grinning at her] In that case, take my boots off and look after my horse. ENID /TEGAN [rolling her eyes] All right! I'll wait on him and his stupid horse as best as I can. NARRATOR She pulled off Gereint's boots and provided his horse with straw and grain, and then she made for the hall and returned to the chamber. OLD MAN Good, now go to town and have brought here the best supply of food and drink that you can get. TEGAN [glaring] I will do that gladly, lord. OLD MAN [chuckling to himself] That'll teach her to be rude about a simple request for a cup of tea. GEREINT [watching her go doubtfully] Oh dear. I don't think this is going to work. OLD WOMAN / PANNA Well, you're only an Idiot, after all. * NARRATOR The girl went to town and while she was gone they talked, but she returned quickly, bringing with her a lad who carried a bottle of mead on his back and a quarter of a young ox, while in her hands she brought back some bread and a loaf of fine wheat. ENID [entering with HARRY SULLIVAN carrying two bottles of gingerbeer and a bag of chips. She has a loaf of bread.] This was the best I could do. OLD MAN I don't think you tried, young lady! ENID What was I supposed to do? Go to the Round and ask for a bottle of mead and a quarter of an ox? [To her helper] Thanks, Harry! Look, I got some sliced bread. GEREINT It'll do. Now, sir, are you the owner of this court? OLD MAN Of course I am! In fact, I'll have you know, I built it and I also owned the fortress and castle you saw. Dear me, yes. [Chuckles to himself] GEREINT Alas, man, how did you lose it? OLD MAN I lost a great earldom as well. I never can seem to remember where I put things down these days. [Laughs at his own joke hysterically] NARRATOR Do us a favour and stick to the script. OLD MAN Yes, well, this is how: I had a nephew, my brother's son whose lands I took with my own. When he came to power, he claimed his realm, but I refused him, so he made war on me and took everything I had. ENID Sounds as though you deserved everything you got! OLD MAN Young lady, you're supposed to be my daughter. Be respectful to your father! ENID / TEGAN I'm *what*? GEREINT [coughing pointedly] Gentle sir, will you tell me of the arrival of the knight who came to the fortress with a lady and a dwarf? And why is there such preparation of arms here? OLD MAN The preparation is for tomorrow, for a game the young earl plays. They place a kestrel on two forked sticks and a silver rod in the meadow, and there is a tournament for the kettle - er - kestrel. The host you saw have come for this and each man has brought the wombat [cough] woman he loves best, otherwise he may not joust. The knight you saw has won the hawk for two years, and if he wins it a third time it will be sent to him without his having to come for it, and he shall be known as the Knight of the Kettle. NARRATOR Kestrel. OLD MAN Yes, precisely. GEREINT Good sir, what advice have you concerning that knight and an insult which I and an attendant of Gwenhyvar both received from the dwarf? OLD MAN Hmm, it is not easy to advise you, since you profess to love no girl so that you might joust with the knight. Otherwise, you could take this armour that was mine and my horse, should you prefer it to your own. As it is, there's nothing I can do at all, no, nothing. A pity! GEREINT God reward you, good sir. My own horse is good enough for me, but I will take the armour. As for the girl, I could profess love to that girl, your daughter - that should do it. ENID / TEGAN Great. Thanks a bunch. GEREINT If I survive the tournament, my love and loyalty will be hers as long as I live and if I do not survive, she will be as chaste as before. OLD MAN Yes, yes, yes, fine. You're welcome to her. You'd better be ready for daybreak in that case. ENID Don't I get a say in this? FIRST & FIFTH DOCTORS No. * NARRATOR / GWEN At daybreak, the Knight of the Kestrel made his proclamation and asked his lady to take the kestrel. KNIGHT / SIXTH DOCTOR [revealing himself as the knight we saw earlier] My lady, take the kestrel. You have had it the last two years and if anyone disputes your claim I will defend it by strength. Now, Peri, go pick up that kestrel. PERI / LADY [looking nervous] What if it bites? GEREINT / FIVE [dressed in full cricketing gear and armed with a cricket bat] Do not take it! Here is a girl who - um - well, I'm going to give it to this girl over here if you don't mind awfully. GWEN / NARRATOR Is it so hard to be complimentary about your companion, Doctor? "Here is a girl who is lovelier and finer and nobler than you" I think were the words you were looking for. ENID / TEGAN [laughing] Not really? No one's going to buy me being more beautiful than Peri. FIVE There, you see. Tegan doesn't mind. NARRATOR/ GWEN The Knight and Gereint rode out to joust while the Dwarf and the Old Man kept each supplied with spears as they broke them. When the Knight of the Kestrel had the upper hand, a shout of rejoicing would go up from him and his number, while the hoary-haired man and his wife and daughter would be saddened. At last, the old man went up to Gereint with a spear. OLD MAN [passing GEREINT his stick] You're not doing very well there, are you, Gertrude, my good fellow? Very careless of you to keep breaking your weapons. Take this sponge - I mean, spear. It was mine the day I was made a knight; I have never broken it, and it has a good blade. None of yours has availed. GEREINT Thank you, Old Man. GWEN / NARRATOR At the same time, the dwarf gave his master his best spear. SIL [passes SIX his umbrella.] Here you see a no wyeurse that is spear. Remember, no knight has ever withstood you as long as this one. SIX / KNIGHT OF THE KESTREL What sort of English do you call that? I do wish you would get your translator mended and stop torturing a poor, innocent language in that appalling fashion! GWEN / NARRATOR Gereint urged on his horse and closed in, warning his opponent and then striking him a blow on the strongest part of the shield so that it split and his armour broke. SIX / KNIGHT [looking aggrieved] You've broken my umbrella *and* torn my coat! NARRATOR He was thrown over the horse's hind quarters to the ground. SIX [hastily leaping off the horse] I think not. [Slips in the mud] GWEN Then they started sword fighting and the various sides cheered. Look, basically your average rugby match, with only two players. When Gereint suffered a heavy, painful hit, the old man hurried to his side. GEREINT [groaning] I blame you. This was all your idea and you've only given me a cricket bat to fight with! OLD MAN Remember the insult you suffered at the dwarf's hand - was it not to avenge that, and the insult to Arthur's wife Jennifer, that you came? Get up out of the mud, Gordon, stop moaning and finish off that silly fellow! GWEN / NARRATOR Gereint leapt up, collected his forces and struck the knight on top of the head, breaking through head armour until it struck bone, whereupon the knight fell to his knees and threw his sword away and begged Gereint for mercy. [FIVE hits SIX on the head with his cricket bat. It is possible he is enjoying this far too much. SIX looks annoyed.] KNIGHT / SIX [now becoming melodramatic, falling to the ground with much moaning and groaning] My wrongful arrogance has prevented my asking for mercy until too late. Unless I am granted time to see a priest and confess my sins to God, I shall be none the better for mercy. GEREINT I will show mercy on condition that you go to Arthur's wife Gwenhyvar and make good the insult her attendant suffered at the hand of your dwarf. KNIGHT [stops theatrically dying] I will do that gladly. Who are you? GEREINT Gereint son of um, Irving. NARRATOR [gritting her teeth] Erbin! GEREINT Now, tell me who you are? SIX Hah! Think I won't be able to pronounce my own name, do you? Well, I am Edern, son of Nudd. GWEN Wow, you got it right. KNIGHT Well, naturally. PERI / LADY We did this story before. KNIGHT [glaring at her] I don't know how you have the nerve to mention that particular incident, Perpugilliam! PERI Well, I didn't know they'd *actually* kill you. I thought it was storytime and they'd pretend. SIX [suspiciously] Peri, have you got your fingers crossed? * NARRATOR They returned to the court and this time the young earl sent his chamberlains to put things to rights. He invited everyone to a feast. OLD MAN Well, now that's done with, we need to see about you marrying my daughter. GEREINT / FIVE Ah. Yes. I'd forgotten that. Well, Earl Neil - GWEN [sounding bored now] Niwl. OLD MAN Oh, I've got a name now, have I? GEREINT She can stay wearing that shabby old dress until she meets Gwenhyvar, who will decide what she wears. ENID Hang about, can't I choose my own clothes? FIVE & ONE No. ENID / TEGAN I knew this was a bad idea. OLD MAN Never mind clothes, Garibaldi, are you going to marry my daughter? I was counting on it and since I did give you my armour and my very best spear -. GEREINT Of course. But she shall stay as she is. I want Arthur and Gwenhyvar to give her to me. ENID You're just trying to put this off for as long as possible, aren't you? Part Two - Part Three - Epilogue
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