I said I would do this. It's been running round my head for a long
time. Don't ask me why.


TTR/LWT - Story time! Gereint and Enid
by V Jewitt

In which, Gwen Cooper visits the creche and tells a Welsh story filled
with blood, gore and sex. It's not Torchwood, just the Mabinogion.


****

"What's so difficult about it?" asked Gwen Cooper. "You manage those
children with no sweat at all, but when it comes to reading them a
bedtime story -."

Izzy sighed. "You've been *in* one. Didn't that show you?"

"Frankly, it was a bit disturbing, but no worse than the day job.
I'll give it a go."

She looked at her cautiously. "I promised them a story about a
knights and castles."

"No problem," said Gwen, smiling.

*

Gwen looked at her audience. "I've found a story about knights for
you, with lots of violence and a bit of romance - 'Gereint ac Enid'."

Rose sucked her thumb. "Who's in it, Miss? Can I be a princess?"

This was followed by a loud dissenting chorus of requests for nearly
every inhabitant of Nameless.

"We'll soon find out, won't we?"

Six folded his arms and glared. "Izzy said she'd never do that story
again!"

"We don't like it," added Peri, looking close to tears.

Zoe nodded solemnly. "Last time she tried, there was a real murder."

"ME!" burst out Little Six. "I got killed!" He thumped the
sniggering Ainley Master. "Wasn't funny."

"Oh," said Gwen. "That was what that was about, was it? Never mind,
this time we'll do it properly."

*

NARRATOR / GWEN
It was King Arthur's habit to gather his court together to spend
Christmas, Easter and on this occasion Whitsuntide at Caer Llion,
being the most accessible place in his kingdom, with thirteen churches
set aside for the use of his knights and Gwenhyvar's ladies. On Whit
Tuesday the Emperor Arthur was sitting and carousing when there
entered a tall auburn-haired lad in a tunic and surcoat.

KING ARTHUR / (BATTLEFIELD) BRIGADIER
Oh, really, this is getting ridiculous. Can't I have a day off?

MADAWG / TURLOUGH
Well, at least you've got a pint, sir.

ARTHUR
Very funny. What do you want?

MADAWG / TURLOUGH
Hail, lord. God be good to you, and his welcome to you -

ARTHUR
Never mind your fancy words, young Turlough, what are you doing here?

GWEN / NARRATOR
Brigadier, you're King Arthur. PLEASE!

ARTHUR
Have you any news?

MADAWG
Lord, I have.

ARTHUR
Well, I don't recognise you. Will you get on and tell me what it is
you've come after? If it's anything to do with driving my car, you
can forget it.

GWENHYVAR / DORIS
Dear, let him say what he came to.

MADAWG
I wonder at that for I am your forester from the Forest of Dean -
Madawg son of Two-er-garden is my name. Perhaps your memory is
failing you in your old age?

GWEN / NARRATOR
Madawg son of *Twrgadarn*. Make an effort with the Welsh. It's just
as well this isn't set in
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch or
Machynlleth.

ARTHUR
Tell us your news.

MADAWG / TURLOUGH [getting annoyed]
I am trying! I saw in the forest a hart the like of which I have
never seen before. It is pure white and out of arrogance and pride in
its lordliness it will travel with no other animal. I have come to
you for advice on the matter.

GWENHYVAR
Oh dear. [Puts her head in her hands]

ARTHUR
I will do what is best. Early tomorrow morning I will go and hunt
it. Five rounds rapid will do the trick. Tonight I will inform those
in the guest houses and Rivers and Ellery and everyone else.

GWENHYVAR [sighing]
I knew it.

NARRATOR
That's Rhyverys and Elivri.

ARTHUR
That's what I said. If you're going to keep repeating everything,
this is going to take longer than that infernal Austen tale.

GWENHYVAR
Lord, will you allow me to go out tomorrow and watch the hunting of
the hart which the page spoke of? Gosh, I sound very grammatical,
don't I?

ARTHUR
Gladly, Doris - I mean, Gwen-whatsit. Thought you didn't like that
kind of thing.

GWENHYVAR
Oh, it's all right, dear. I shall make sure I am late!

NARRATOR / GWEN
Arthur had of course gathered all his court, including Gwalchmei, the
most distinguished of his nine captains.

ARTHUR
Nine? I must say, that's more than I ever had before.

GWALCHMEI / CAPTAIN YATES
Look, I've got an idea, sir. Would it not be right to allow the
hunter who succeeds in cutting off the head - whether he be mounted or
on foot - to present it to his lover, or to a companion's lover?

GWENHYVAR [To herself]
Yes, because every girl *loves* that kind of present. Oh, dear, oh
dear...

ARTHUR
I don't see why not. And now - everyone must be ready to go hunting
in the morning.

GWEN / NARRATOR
They spent a quiet evening with songs and entertainment and
conversation and enough service and when they all thought it time for
bed, they went. They woke at dawn, and Arthur called upon his
chamberlains, who came and dressed him -

[Four UNIT SOLDIERS enter]

BRIGADIER
I'm sorry, but I have to draw the line somewhere. No!

NARRATOR
Fair enough. When he was ready in the morning, Arthur was surprised
to see that Gwenhyvar had not woken. The men wanted to wake her, but
Arthur would not hear of it.

ARTHUR
Leave her alone, thank you - she would rather sleep than hunt. Now,
let's go!

*
NARRATOR
When Gwenhyvar woke, she was slightly p*ssed off to be left alone
after being given permission to join the hunt, but that's men for
you. She found that there were only two suitable horses left, so she
and her handmaiden rode out to catch up with the rest.

GWENHYVAR / DORIS
There's no need for language like that, young lady. I really don't
want to see a lot of silly men charging round a forest after some
poor, defenceless animal. Handmaiden, come here!

HANDMAIDEN / MARTHA [entering at a run in her maid's outfit]
I knew I'd regret playing a servant. Is this going to happen a lot?

NARRATOR
They had not gone far, when a young man, wearing tunic, surcoat, gold-
hilted sword and a green mantle with a gold apple in each corner
overtook them.

[The FIFTH DOCTOR / GEREINT rides up, dressed in his usual outfit.]

GWENHYVAR
Why, Gerald, how nice to see you!

NARRATOR / GWEN
Gereint! That's a hard 'g' and an 'I' sound for the second syllable.

DORIS
I'm sorry, I thought it was Gerald.

GEREINT / FIFTH DOCTOR
God's welcome to you. Why did you not go hunting with your lord?

GWENHYVAR
I overslept this morning. How come he left you behind?

GEREINT
Well, lady, I was also asleep, so I did not see him leave either.

GWENHYVAR [cheerfully]
Never mind. Of all the young lads in the kingdom, I think you are the
best for companionship. We can enjoy the hunt as much as the hunters,
for we will hear the horns being sounded and the dogs being unleashed
and starting to bay.

GEREINT [paling slightly]
Yes, um, that sounds wonderful. [Pausing to address the narrator]
Did she say I'm Gereint?

NARRATOR
Well, no, but it was what she meant.

GEREINT
Not, um, Gareth, then?

NARRATOR / GWEN
No.

GEREINT
Hmm. Strange.

NARRATOR
At that moment, they heard a great commotion and they saw a dwarf
riding towards them, a whip in his hand and next to him was a woman on
a proud pure-white horse and next to *her* was a knight on a huge mud-
spattered war horse, both covered in heavy gleaming armour. See,
things have always been interesting in Wales...

GWENHYVAR
Gereint, do you know that great knight yonder?

GEREINT
No, although I can't see his face behind that strange armour.

GWENHYVAR [to her handmaid]
Woman, go and ask that dwarf there who the knight is.

HANDMAIDEN / MARTHA [rides over to the three riders]
Who is the knight?

DWARF / SIL
Ha! I will not say. [Gives his gurgling laugh]

MARTHA [fascinated]
How do you do that? Oh, well, I shall just ask him myself.

DWARF
No, shall you not! Entitle you to talk to my lord yeurr rank does
not!

HANDMAID / MARTHA [turning to the knight]
I didn't understand a word of that. Sir, who are you?

NARRATOR
At that, the dwarf struck her with his whip and the blood welled forth
and she rode back to Gwenhyvar.

HANDMAID [hand to her head, as blood drips down]
Owwwwwww!

GEREINT
That was a cruel thing. I will go and find out who that knight is.

GWENHYVAR
Yes, do. Oh, stop moaning, girl.

MARTHA [still bleeding]
Thanks for the sympathy, everyone.

NARRATOR
So Gereint rode over and asked the dwarf himself, but he still would
not reveal the knight's identity.

GEREINT
Then I shall ask him myself!

DWARF
By my faith, you shan't. Honourable, you are not so as to desyeurrve
to speak with my lord.

GEREINT
I beg your pardon?

NARRATOR
Gereint started to ride towards the knight, but the dwarf struck him,
as he had the girl.

GEREINT [hand to his head]
You've made me bleed! If I weren't so honourable a knight, I would
kill you here and now, but I've no mind to get into a fight with your
knight while I'm not wearing armour, so I shall come after you both
later.

[Rides back to GWENHYVAR]

GWENHYVAR
You acted very wisely. There is no point in all this silly killing,
is there?

GEREINT
Quite. But with your permission, I shall go and find some armour and
ride after him. If I survive, I shall send you news by tomorrow
afternoon.

NARRATOR
Gereint set out in pursuit.

[GEREINT rides away from GWENHYVAR and her HANDMAIDEN]

NARRATOR
The mysterious trio had taken the road below the court of Caer Llion,
crossing the ford at Wysg and travelling through excellent and lovely
flat plains until they came to a walled town with a fortress and
castle at one end. The knight was recognised by everyone, but Gereint
saw no one he knew and was a bit of a loss to find a suit of armour.
But every house he saw was full of men and horses and arms, busy in
preparation. The knight went to stay in the castle, so Gereint found
a tumbledown court and battered hall some distance from the town.

GEREINT
I don't suppose I shall run into that knight in here.

NARRATOR
He entered the house and found a hoary old man sitting on the stairs
in torn clothes.

OLD MAN / FIRST DOCTOR
What are you doing, staring at me like that? What are you thinking?

GEREINT
I don't have anywhere to stay tonight. Um, your clothes don't look
especially ragged.

OLD MAN
My dear boy, do you suppose I'm going to let people tear my clothes
for a piece of nonsense like this? What a ridiculous idea! Yes, you
may stay here for the night. Now, follow me.

NARRATOR
He led him up the stairs, where he saw a very old woman in a ragged
old brocade dress and the most beautiful girl he had seen, wearing a
shift and mantle that was beginning to fray.

OLD MAN
Well, girl, don't just stand there. This gentleman has come to stay
and he has no groom for his horse but you.

TEGAN / ENID [indignant]
Wait a minute!

GEREINT / FIVE [folding his arms and looking apprehensive]
You can't cast Tegan as Enid! The woman's supposed to be a paragon of
patience.

OLD WOMAN / PANNA
Idiot!

GWEN / NARRATOR
I think you'll find that's that Griselda thing out of Chaucer. Enid's
got a little bit more get up and go than that. Well, ish.

TEGAN
Oh, well. As long as there's no Mara, I don't care.

FIVE [sitting and grinning at her]
In that case, take my boots off and look after my horse.

ENID /TEGAN [rolling her eyes]
All right! I'll wait on him and his stupid horse as best as I can.

NARRATOR
She pulled off Gereint's boots and provided his horse with straw and
grain, and then she made for the hall and returned to the chamber.

OLD MAN
Good, now go to town and have brought here the best supply of food and
drink that you can get.

TEGAN [glaring]
I will do that gladly, lord.

OLD MAN [chuckling to himself]
That'll teach her to be rude about a simple request for a cup of tea.

GEREINT [watching her go doubtfully]
Oh dear. I don't think this is going to work.

OLD WOMAN / PANNA
Well, you're only an Idiot, after all.

*
NARRATOR
The girl went to town and while she was gone they talked, but she
returned quickly, bringing with her a lad who carried a bottle of mead
on his back and a quarter of a young ox, while in her hands she
brought back some bread and a loaf of fine wheat.

ENID [entering with HARRY SULLIVAN carrying two bottles of gingerbeer
and a bag of chips. She has a loaf of bread.]
This was the best I could do.

OLD MAN
I don't think you tried, young lady!

ENID
What was I supposed to do? Go to the Round and ask for a bottle of
mead and a quarter of an ox? [To her helper] Thanks, Harry! Look, I
got some sliced bread.

GEREINT
It'll do. Now, sir, are you the owner of this court?

OLD MAN
Of course I am! In fact, I'll have you know, I built it and I also
owned the fortress and castle you saw. Dear me, yes. [Chuckles to
himself]

GEREINT
Alas, man, how did you lose it?

OLD MAN
I lost a great earldom as well. I never can seem to remember where I
put things down these days. [Laughs at his own joke hysterically]

NARRATOR
Do us a favour and stick to the script.

OLD MAN
Yes, well, this is how: I had a nephew, my brother's son whose lands I
took with my own. When he came to power, he claimed his realm, but I
refused him, so he made war on me and took everything I had.

ENID
Sounds as though you deserved everything you got!

OLD MAN
Young lady, you're supposed to be my daughter. Be respectful to your
father!

ENID / TEGAN
I'm *what*?

GEREINT [coughing pointedly]
Gentle sir, will you tell me of the arrival of the knight who came to
the fortress with a lady and a dwarf? And why is there such
preparation of arms here?

OLD MAN
The preparation is for tomorrow, for a game the young earl plays.
They place a kestrel on two forked sticks and a silver rod in the
meadow, and there is a tournament for the kettle - er - kestrel. The
host you saw have come for this and each man has brought the wombat
[cough] woman he loves best, otherwise he may not joust. The knight
you saw has won the hawk for two years, and if he wins it a third time
it will be sent to him without his having to come for it, and he shall
be known as the Knight of the Kettle.

NARRATOR
Kestrel.

OLD MAN
Yes, precisely.

GEREINT
Good sir, what advice have you concerning that knight and an insult
which I and an attendant of Gwenhyvar both received from the dwarf?

OLD MAN
Hmm, it is not easy to advise you, since you profess to love no girl
so that you might joust with the knight. Otherwise, you could take
this armour that was mine and my horse, should you prefer it to your
own. As it is, there's nothing I can do at all, no, nothing. A pity!

GEREINT
God reward you, good sir. My own horse is good enough for me, but I
will take the armour. As for the girl, I could profess love to that
girl, your daughter - that should do it.

ENID / TEGAN
Great. Thanks a bunch.

GEREINT
If I survive the tournament, my love and loyalty will be hers as long
as I live and if I do not survive, she will be as chaste as before.

OLD MAN
Yes, yes, yes, fine. You're welcome to her. You'd better be ready
for daybreak in that case.

ENID
Don't I get a say in this?

FIRST & FIFTH DOCTORS
No.

*
NARRATOR / GWEN
At daybreak, the Knight of the Kestrel made his proclamation and asked
his lady to take the kestrel.

KNIGHT / SIXTH DOCTOR [revealing himself as the knight we saw earlier]
My lady, take the kestrel. You have had it the last two years and if
anyone disputes your claim I will defend it by strength. Now, Peri,
go pick up that kestrel.

PERI / LADY [looking nervous]
What if it bites?

GEREINT / FIVE [dressed in full cricketing gear and armed with a
cricket bat]
Do not take it! Here is a girl who - um - well, I'm going to give it
to this girl over here if you don't mind awfully.

GWEN / NARRATOR
Is it so hard to be complimentary about your companion, Doctor? "Here
is a girl who is lovelier and finer and nobler than you" I think were
the words you were looking for.

ENID / TEGAN [laughing]
Not really? No one's going to buy me being more beautiful than Peri.

FIVE
There, you see. Tegan doesn't mind.

NARRATOR/ GWEN
The Knight and Gereint rode out to joust while the Dwarf and the Old
Man kept each supplied with spears as they broke them. When the
Knight of the Kestrel had the upper hand, a shout of rejoicing would
go up from him and his number, while the hoary-haired man and his wife
and daughter would be saddened. At last, the old man went up to
Gereint with a spear.

OLD MAN [passing GEREINT his stick]
You're not doing very well there, are you, Gertrude, my good fellow?
Very careless of you to keep breaking your weapons. Take this sponge
- I mean, spear. It was mine the day I was made a knight; I have
never broken it, and it has a good blade. None of yours has availed.

GEREINT
Thank you, Old Man.

GWEN / NARRATOR
At the same time, the dwarf gave his master his best spear.

SIL [passes SIX his umbrella.]
Here you see a no wyeurse that is spear. Remember, no knight has ever
withstood you as long as this one.

SIX / KNIGHT OF THE KESTREL
What sort of English do you call that? I do wish you would get your
translator mended and stop torturing a poor, innocent language in that
appalling fashion!

GWEN / NARRATOR
Gereint urged on his horse and closed in, warning his opponent and
then striking him a blow on the strongest part of the shield so that
it split and his armour broke.

SIX / KNIGHT [looking aggrieved]
You've broken my umbrella *and* torn my coat!

NARRATOR
He was thrown over the horse's hind quarters to the ground.

SIX [hastily leaping off the horse]
I think not. [Slips in the mud]

GWEN
Then they started sword fighting and the various sides cheered. Look,
basically your average rugby match, with only two players. When
Gereint suffered a heavy, painful hit, the old man hurried to his
side.

GEREINT [groaning]
I blame you. This was all your idea and you've only given me a
cricket bat to fight with!

OLD MAN
Remember the insult you suffered at the dwarf's hand - was it not to
avenge that, and the insult to Arthur's wife Jennifer, that you came?
Get up out of the mud, Gordon, stop moaning and finish off that silly
fellow!

GWEN / NARRATOR
Gereint leapt up, collected his forces and struck the knight on top of
the head, breaking through head armour until it struck bone, whereupon
the knight fell to his knees and threw his sword away and begged
Gereint for mercy.

[FIVE hits SIX on the head with his cricket bat. It is possible he is
enjoying this far too much. SIX looks annoyed.]

KNIGHT / SIX [now becoming melodramatic, falling to the ground with
much moaning and groaning]
My wrongful arrogance has prevented my asking for mercy until too
late. Unless I am granted time to see a priest and confess my sins to
God, I shall be none the better for mercy.

GEREINT
I will show mercy on condition that you go to Arthur's wife Gwenhyvar
and make good the insult her attendant suffered at the hand of your
dwarf.

KNIGHT [stops theatrically dying]
I will do that gladly. Who are you?

GEREINT
Gereint son of um, Irving.

NARRATOR [gritting her teeth]
Erbin!

GEREINT
Now, tell me who you are?

SIX
Hah! Think I won't be able to pronounce my own name, do you? Well, I
am Edern, son of Nudd.

GWEN
Wow, you got it right.

KNIGHT
Well, naturally.

PERI / LADY
We did this story before.

KNIGHT [glaring at her]
I don't know how you have the nerve to mention that particular
incident, Perpugilliam!

PERI
Well, I didn't know they'd *actually* kill you. I thought it was
storytime and they'd pretend.

SIX [suspiciously]
Peri, have you got your fingers crossed?

*
NARRATOR
They returned to the court and this time the young earl sent his
chamberlains to put things to rights. He invited everyone to a feast.

OLD MAN
Well, now that's done with, we need to see about you marrying my
daughter.

GEREINT / FIVE
Ah. Yes. I'd forgotten that. Well, Earl Neil -

GWEN [sounding bored now]
Niwl.

OLD MAN
Oh, I've got a name now, have I?

GEREINT
She can stay wearing that shabby old dress until she meets Gwenhyvar,
who will decide what she wears.

ENID
Hang about, can't I choose my own clothes?

FIVE & ONE
No.

ENID / TEGAN
I knew this was a bad idea.

OLD MAN
Never mind clothes, Garibaldi, are you going to marry my daughter? I
was counting on it and since I did give you my armour and my very best
spear -.

GEREINT
Of course. But she shall stay as she is. I want Arthur and Gwenhyvar
to give her to me.

ENID
You're just trying to put this off for as long as possible, aren't
you?



Part Two - Part Three - Epilogue

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