Storytime! Gereint and Enid
by V Jewitt
Gwen continues her tale of violence (see Part 1 & 3), sex (well,
nearly) and weird things are happening in Cardiff. It's still not
Meanwhile, back at Arthur's court, Arthur had killed the hart and cut
off its head before anyone else got there, but all his men were
arguing over which lady should have the head.
This is no good. We must stop the men arguing like this.
I have a proposal. We shall not give the head until Gerald son of
Irving returns from his errand.
The next afternoon, a dwarf and a lady arrived with a knight, wearing
broken and bloodied armour. In fact he was so covered in blood that
they could not see his own colour. He came to Gwenhyvar.
EDERN / SIX [still covered in tomato sauce]
Lady, greetings to you from Gerbil, son of Dustbin, the bravest and
best of men. Lady, he has impelled me to come here in order to make
amends for the hurt to your handmaiden.
Where did he find you?
In the town they now call Caerdyv.
Cardiff? How silly of me to ask...
He had no retinue save three very poor shabby looking creatures: a
very old hoary-haired man and an old woman and a good-looking young
girl - ow, Peri! I don't see there's any cause for poking me in the
ribs like that. I'm dying!
PERI / LADY
It's only tomato sauce. Don't push your luck.
And where is he now?
I suppose he and the girl will arrive tomorrow.
ARTHUR [coming across]
Good grief, is that Edward, son of Nick? Has someone called for a
Gwenhyvar explained the situation.
Good. Right. Well, Gwennie, you had better show mercy, since this
Gerald person has already made such a mess of a worthy knight. And
*someone* get the man a physician!
Thank you, your highness.
The next day, Gereint arrived with Enid and was welcomed by Gwenhyvar
and Arthur. Everyone in the court said that only if she were
dressed a bit better, no one would ever have equalled her beauty.
[GEREINT and ENID enter ARTHUR'S courtroom. Everyone stares and there
are some wolf whistles from certain members of UNIT masquerading as
ENID / TEGAN
This is actually embarrassing. Oh, hello, Brig. Nice to see you!
It's King Arthur currently, I'm afraid. I hear I've got to marry you
GWENYHVAR / DORIS
Oh, I do like a nice romance.
Romance? He used me as a means to an end.
I don't see why you're complaining. I am still marrying you, aren't
I? It's not as if I absconded or turned into a bear. I can't work
out why the book did this to us anyway.
I wonder if this was meant to be the tale of the kitchen knight.
TEGAN / ENID
Wait a minute... Gareth and Lynette? Isn't that the one where they
argue all the time and then marry other people?
NARRATOR / GWEN
You can't see any reason why it might have cast you? None at all?
ARTHUR / BRIGADIER
Look, am I going to marry you or not?
Alistair, I thought you'd never ask...
So Gereint and Enid made their vows. And once the court saw her
dressed in Gwenhyvar's choice of clothing, they all declared they had
never seen such a radiant sight.
GWALCHMEI / CAPTAIN YATES
I never saw such a radiant sight.
KEI / SERGEANT BENTON
No, I never saw anything like it, either. Although there was that
time once when -.
[GWALCHMEI hits him with his scabbard]
They spent the evening went plenty of songs, various dishes and
liquors and numerous games and when it was time to sleep, they went to
bed. Sounds like Christmas with my family... Anyway, the story is keen
to point out that this was the first time that Gereint slept with
GEREINT [looking thoroughly alarmed]
We don't have to - I mean - erm...
ENID [putting a hand on his arm]
Don't worry. I'm sure our *friendly* narrator will remember there are
kids listening to this and move things along swiftly.
Of course. Moving along swiftly, the next day everyone decided that
Enid was the only one worthy of the hart's head - which, may I point
out, they killed about three days ago now? - and so they presented it
to her. Yuck.
I was right to wait for Gerald's return, for there is no girl of
greater renown than Enid daughter of Noel and between her and us all
there is nothing but tenderness and affection. Here you are, dear.
ENID [dropping the head]
So Gereint and Enid stayed at the court, Gereint winning all the
tournaments and growing in prowess for three years and his fame and
that of Enid increased. At the end of that time, some wise, sensible
and scholarly advisors came to Arthur from his father, Erbin, son of
WISE ADVISORS / IAN & BARBARA [approaching ARTHUR's throne and bowing]
Lord, we are come from Cornwall, from Irving, son of Custard. Our
message is for you: to tell you that he is growing weak and feeble and
approaching his end. His neighbours trespass on his territory and
covet his land. He entreats you, lord, to permit his son Gerbert to
come to save the land and defend the boundaries, rather than in
worthless tournaments that bring him only fame.
Well, go change your clothes and eat and you shall have an answer
before you leave.
Well, Gwen, I don't want to let young Gerald go, but his father has a
I don't want to lose Enid, either, but you must decide, dear.
So Arthur sent for Gereint and told him of the message.
Lord, I will do your will in this matter, regardless of the advantage
or disadvantage to me.
Here is my advice. Though I regret your departure, go to your realm
and defend your boundaries and take with you as large a company as you
GEREINT [straightening up]
God reward you, I will do that.
So Gereint took many of Arthur's men with him to Cornwall, including
Gwalchmei and Edern son of Nudd, who had recovered from his injuries.
I knew he was making a fuss over nothing.
Gereint arrived home and there was another one of these parties they
all keep having, but the next morning he was summoned to see his dying
ERBIN / FOURTH DOCTOR [aged as in The Leisure Hive and speaking in a
loud stage whisper]
I am a weak, aged man. While I was able to defend the realm for you
and myself I did so, but now that you are a young man in the flower of
your youth and vigour you must do so.
GEREINT [looking worried]
I didn't ask for control of your realm.
ERBIN [sounding a lot less ill suddenly]
Well, I'm giving it to you and you must take it and the homage of your
men today. I don't want it!
After that, they gave out lots of gifts to and from the visitors and
had another party.
ENID / TEGAN
Hey, why do you keep skipping the parties? Can't we have some fun
No. The children prefer the gory bits. Basically, Gereint's return
with Arthur's men solved the problem and he preferred staying at home
to going out and fighting battles or even taking part of tournaments.
He would rather stay with his wife than go hunting or play sport.
What? Even over cricket?
[TEGAN elbows him]
He began to lose the hearts of his nobles and the people at court
until there were murmurings against him in secret because he had
forsaken their company for that of a woman. These whispers reached
the ears of Erbin, who spoke to Enid.
What? Am I still alive? I thought that was my deathbed scene. Am I
No, you're old and feeble, but not dead.
Well, that's no fun.
ENID / TEGAN
You wanted to see me?
Yes. I have some questions to ask. Firstly, are you encouraging my
son to stay at home with you and forsake his people?
By my confession to God, it is not I, for nothing would displease me
more than that.
And, more importantly - would you like a jelly baby?
NARRATOR / GWEN
It was not easy to tell Gereint what was being said, but Enid thought
about it much. Now, one summer morning they were in bed. He was on
the outer, protective side, while she was awake in the glass chamber;
the sun was shining down on the bed and - I'm sorry, is there a
GEREINT / FIVE [standing by the window, fully dressed, with his arms
No, no, of course not.
TEGAN / ENID [sitting up in the bed]
For goodness' sake, Doctor, it's not going to kill you just to lie on
the other side of the bed for a few seconds!
Ah. Maybe I won't read the next bit, then.
ENID / TEGAN [looking alarmed as well]
NARRATOR / GWEN
Um, how are you at looking doe-eyed?
Forget I asked. Now, come on, Doctor, we can sort this out. I'm the
one who's supposed to be awake, so I'll get out. You get in and I'll
sit on top of the covers over there. How's that?
FIVE [recovering his composure]
Yes, I think that could work. What was that about the next bit?
NARRATOR / GWEN [who is audibly grinning as she reads]
She gazed at the magnificence of his good looks and said -
ENID / TEGAN
Oh, please. Someone pass me a bucket.
That *isn't* what she said...
Woe is me, if on my account these arms are losing the fame and
fighting ability they once possessed.
And the rest?
ENID / TEGAN
I'm sorry, but no way am I sitting here going on about his chest.
What kind of story *is* this?
Fair enough. At that, the tears streamed down her face, falling onto
him. That and her words woke Gereint and he was disturbed by the
thought that she spoke not out of concern for him but out of love for
another man and he lost all peace of mind.
[GEREINT gets out of the bed quickly and yells for his SQUIRE. ADRIC
Have my horse saddled and my arms made ready and be quick about it!
SQUIRE / ADRIC
You want me to make your arms ready? What exactly do you need to do
That means my armour and weapons, Adric.
All right, I suppose I could do that.
And you, Enid, rise and dress and have your horse fitted out, and
bring along the worst riding dress you have. Shame on me if we return
until you learn if I have lost my strength as completely as you
suppose or if being alone with the man you were thinking of will be as
TEGAN / ENID [upset at being snapped at, gets changed into her purple
Lord, I know nothing of your thoughts.
No, nor shall you - yet.
You mean you'll explain later?
[GEREINT gives her that Disappointed Look (tm)]