Story time! Gereint and Enid
In which Gwen's Welsh story is brought to its violent conclusion. No
actual animals were harmed during the writing of this section...
NARRATOR / GWEN
He went to his father.
ERBIN / FOUR DOCTOR [snoozing in his chair and waking up abruptly]
What, am I *still* alive?
GEREINT / FIFTH DOCTOR
Sir, I have an errand to do, and I am not certain when I will return -
look after your realm until I do.
That I will. But where are you off to? And you can't go alone -
everybody hates you!
They do? Well, I am going with only one person.
He went to find Enid, waiting with their horses.
Get on your horse and ride in front of me and don't turn back or speak
to me, no matter what happens - unless I speak to you first.
ENID / TEGAN
You heard what I said. And no more talking!
They rode out and their road was the least travelled and wildest and
surest for thieves and robbers and wild beasts. They reached a great
forest and as they made for the forest, they met four knights.
FIRST KNIGHT / LON
This is a good chance for us to take the two horses and the armour,
and the woman as well, for we will have no trouble as far as that
single sad-looking droopy knight is concerned.
Oh, rabbits. What do I do now? Well, God's vengeance on me if I do
not prefer death at Gereint's hand to death at another's. He may kill
me, but I will speak, lest he be killed without warning.
[ENID reins in her horse and waits for GEREINT to join her]
Did you hear what those men just said about you?
You are supposed to do as you're told and be silent. Your concern
means nothing to me and is no warning. You may wish my death and
destruction at the hands of those men, but I am not afraid.
I'm only trying to help! Next time I won't bother.
At that, the first knight charged. Gereint met him and not feebly,
side-stepping him and striking him boldly on the shield so that it
split, his armour broke and the spear went half a yard into him,
throwing him to the ground.
[GEREINT rides up to the KNIGHT cautiously and taps his shield. The
KNIGHT shoves the spear between his arm and his chest and falls with a
loud yell. Tomato sauce is everywhere again].
The toddlers cheered. Gwen rolled her eyes.
The rest all advanced and were killed in the same way.
GEREINT [swiping at Battlefield KNIGHTS left and right]
Um, Gwen, is this story supposed to be for the children? It's rather
It is? Compared to what? Your adventures where everyone you meet
GEREINT [as he wins]
If it gets *that* bad, I'm out of here.
Gereint stripped the knights of their armour, put them on their
saddles and knotted the reins together.
Basically, Gerald, you're a thief.
GEREINT [giving her a reproachful look]
Enid. Take those four horses and ride ahead of me - and not another
word out of you, do you understand?
ENID [glumly, and struggling with the extra horses]
I'll do my best.
They travelled on into the forest until they reached a great level
plain with a dense tangled copse in the middle, and from that copse
approached three knights, both horses and riders being fully equipped
KNIGHTS / DALEKS
GWEN / NARRATOR
Hang on, you're supposed to plot to steal the horses, armour and the
girl. If you're so efficient and superior, why can't you act?
KNIGHTS / DALEKS [after a brief consultation]
THAT KNIGHT - WILL GIVE - US NO - TROUBLE - AT ALL. WE WILL TAKE THE
ARMOUR - AND MELT IT - DOWN TO MAKE - CASINGS FOR NEW DALEKS. WE HAVE
NO USE FOR - THE CREATURES OR - THE GIRL - WE WILL EXTERMINATE!
I think this counts as an exception to the no talking thing - Doctor!
Enid! You've been doing so well until now.
I mean, he is weary after all the fighting and this may - forget it!
Doctor, there are Daleks up ahead!
I told you not to speak... Er, did you say Daleks?
Gwen! How is he supposed to defeat them with a nothing but a cricket
I'm sure he'll think of something.
[GEREINT and ENID hide behind the piles of stolen armour before
setting loose the extra horses, which ride into the Daleks' line of
fire. Meanwhile GEREINT runs up to them and whacks their eye pieces
with his bat while ENID creates a distraction by throwing pieces of
GWEN / NARRATOR [shocked]
You let the horses get killed!
Well, you weren't about to help us.
GEREINT [returning and looking grim]
I told you not to talk!
I didn't want you to be taken by surprise by a load of Daleks.
Your concern is worthless to me.
NARRATOR [slightly distracted by the inadvertent carnage]
Right, so he stole the armour again and the horses.
Wait - if this was working properly, I'd be in charge of seven horses
by now? That's crazy.
GEREINT [surveying the mess]
Hmm, I suppose I could take a plunger or two if that would help?
Gwen looked up to see that little Davros and his Daleks were beginning
to get restless.
"My Daleks would *never* have been defeated so easily!" he hissed.
She shrugged. "They were. Get over it."
Victoria was sobbing. "Poor, poor horsies!"
There was a rush to comfort her.
Gwen pulled everyone but Little Two and Jamie away. "It's no good
suffocating Victoria, thank you."
"No one cried like that when *I* died," sulked Six.
She patted him on the head cautiously. "Well, you're not as cute as
the horsies. I mean, the horses."
Gereint knotted the reins together and ordered Enid to drive the
horses on ahead.
Gwen, there *are* no horses.
GWEN / NARRATOR
Can we pretend they've turned invisible?
ENID / TEGAN
I suppose that's no less insane than anything else.
GEREINT [coughs pointedly]
I was trying to speak. I can see that it's no use telling you to be
silent, since you will not obey me.
I will do my best, but I cannot conceal from you the violent hateful
talk which I hear from these strangers who journey through the
As I said before, your concern is worthless to me.
From now on I will be as silent as long as I can.
GEREINT [laughs to himself]
That won't be long then, will it?
[TEGAN gives him That Look.]
Enid rode on, keeping the horses before her and staying well ahead of
Wouldn't you, after being treated like that?
GEREINT [from some distance back]
What did I say?
From the copse they travelled through good open country and far away
they saw a forest. They could see no end or limit to it. As they
approached, there emerged from the forest five bold, fierce, powerful
knights, mounted on strong wide-boned, ground-devouring, wide-
nostrilled war-horses with plenty of armour covering both man and
[The FIVE KNIGHTS / IANTO, OWEN, CAPTAIN JACK, TOSHIKO and SUZY pull
up in the SUV].
You lot? In that case, I accept no responsibility for whatever
When they drew near, Enid heard this conversation from them:
OWEN / KNIGHT
This is a good chance for us - we can nick the armour and the horses
and get the girl as well -.
That is just typical of you, Owen Harper.
OWEN / KNIGHT
What? I'm only reading the words I'm given!
IANTO / KNIGHT
IANTO / KNIGHT
Well, I don't see any spare horses, or any armour.
CAPTAIN JACK / KNIGHT
Of course! We should have realised. Right then, men, let's steal the
invisible horses. I'm sure that sad excuse for a knight will give us
no trouble at all.
We should be able to make a good profit on it.
A profit selling invisible horses?
Enid was greatly distressed and turned her horse's head and rode back
to her lord.
ENID / TEGAN
It's bad news, Gerald - Torchwood have turned up and they want to run
off with the invisible horses, the armour and me.
I hear you doing what I forbade you to, but perhaps you will live to
regret it. [Looks alarmed] Torchwood?
At that moment, the men encountered him and Gereint, exuberant and
victorious, overcame all five.
[EVERYONE stops and looks to the invisible NARRATOR]
Is that it?
Yes. So you lot had better get on and die. Not that I'm enjoying
this or anything.
CAPTAIN JACK [raising his hand and giving a wide smile]
I may have a problem.
GWEN / NARRATOR
You certainly have a problem, Jack, but you can *pretend* to die, so
get on with it.
[GEREINT swings his bat about wildly and the KNIGHTS / TORCHWOOD TEAM
fall about with varying degrees of melodrama, OWEN putting his hands
to his heart and staggering back with much yelling and moaning, and
CAPTAIN JACK leaping backwards into a tree before slumping to the
Again, they took the armour and Gereint knotted the reins so there
were twelve horses together.
ENID [cheering up]
So do I get to drive the car?
Don't be silly, Enid. Just pretend you've got some more invisible
horses and keep quiet.
They journeyed into the forest and soon night fell.
Right, let's stop here for the night. I'm so tired after all that
fighting, I need my rest. You stay awake and look after the horses.
Am I allowed to say anything to that?
So they passed the night, which in that season was not long. When
Enid saw the light of day, she looked round to see whether he was
awake and at that moment he woke.
I was wondering when you'd stop snoring.
I told you not to talk! Now, take the horses and set out and ride
ahead, as you did yesterday. [Unable to help adding in a hurt tone]
I don't snore.
[TEGAN / ENID grins to herself.]
How long is this going on for?
Gwen flicks through the pages hastily as the toddlers start to throw
things, including each other.
Right. Keeping this as short as possible, Gereint and Enid were
invited to stay with another Earl. On arriving, Gereint just wanted
to go to sleep again, the lazy object, and ordered a room. He slept
on the straw at one end and sent Enid to the other.
They went into the court of the Earl who had invited them.
EARL / SECOND DOCTOR
Hello! How nice to see you both! What sort of journey are you on?
I intend to simply look for adventure and do the errands I like.
EARL [clapping his hands together]
Splendid! Can I come with you?
No. Behave! Then the Earl looked at Enid, still some distance from
[ENID and GEREINT who had unthinkingly been standing together, both
looking fed up, move hastily apart]
He thought that he had never seen a lovelier girl, nor a finer one and
he set his heart and soul on her.
ENID [folding her arms]
So this is what it's like to be Peri.
I see that girl is estranged from you. May I go and talk to her?
You have my permission.
I don't need your permission! I can talk to anyone I like - oh, ah!
Thank you, there's a good chap.
[The EARL crosses to ENID, standing with her arms folded and glaring
My dear girl, you cannot enjoy travelling with that man.
I choose to travel the road he travels.
But you don't have servants or handmaidens! A fine lady like you
should certainly have servants.
I would rather follow him than have servants or handmaidens.
Now I have an idea - I will give you power over my earldom if you will
stay here with me instead.
I don't wish for that. I promised myself to that man first and I will
not betray him.
Hmm, well, that is a bit difficult, now, isn't it? Still, if I kill
him, you will have nothing to stop you staying with me instead, won't
Oh. That's different. In that case, come here tomorrow and carry me
off as if I know nothing about it. I wouldn't want to earn a
reputation as the most unfaithful of women.
I will do that. I'm sure we'll have some fun together!
ENID [under her breath]
I don't think so...
Enid said nothing to Gereint of this, lest she should make him angry
or anxious. After they went to bed and had slept a little - still at
separate ends of the room, so don't worry, Doctor - Enid arranged his
armour and woke him.
ENID [shaking GEREINT]
Wake up! You must hear what the Earl intends to do.
Tegan, I told you to go to the other end of the room and keep quiet!
What are you doing here?
*Enid*. Anyway, he wants to carry me off tomorrow morning - and if I
refuse, he will kill you and carry me off and then cast me off when he
has finished with me. Call me unreasonable, but I'm not keen on the
Oh, very well. I suppose we had better go.
Gereint summoned the man of the house and asked him how much he owed
[The PROPRIETER enters looking both wary and annoyed]
How much do I owe you?
Where am I? What is this about?
Are you feeling all right? The Doctor - I mean, Gereint - asked how
much he owed you!
PROPRIETER / MAN OF THE HOUSE
You didn't pay for that ginger beer and bread you ran off with
Will eleven horses and eleven suits of armour cover it?
MAN OF THE HOUSE [suspiciously]
What sort of currency is that supposed to be?
Well, technically the horses are invisible and the armour's spare bits
of Dalek, but the offer does include Torchwood's car.
[The PROPRIETER has already gratefully taken his leave - and the
He was supposed to say that was more than you could possibly have owed
him and guide you out of town!
Don't worry, we'll see ourselves out.
Right, we'll skip the next fight.
Good. I don't think hitting people is doing my cricket bat any good.
I'm sure those Torchwood people left some dents in it.
A knight rode over to Gereint, who was shading under a tree, having
been wounded in the previous fight and needing to keep out of the
sun. This was Kei, though he did not recognise Gereint. Enid had
been told to go and sit under a different tree.
KEI / SERGEANT BENTON
Where are you going and who are you?
I am looking for adventures and going whichever way I please.
Well, you must come with me to see Arthur.
Then Gereint recognised Kei but this didn't stop him having another
fight with him. He struck him with the butt of his spear, having no
wish to do Arthur's steward further harm.
[GEREINT and KEI look at each other warily, then whisper briefly.
GEREINT waves his cricket bat and KEI, without coming near it, yells
out and falls to the ground.]
Kei was terrified and ran off wildly until he came to Gwalchmai's
[KEI runs off through the forest to a tent]
[GWALCHMAI / CAPTAIN YATES emerges from tent]
Sir, there is a wounded knight in the forest, but he will not come
with us for help. He was rather short with us when we asked.
I do not mind going - maybe he'll be taller by the time I get there?
Gwalchmai arrived and after fighting with him as Kei had done, he
recognised his enemy.
Gereint, is it you? This is a wretched, ill-advised journey! Is that
Enid as well? It'd good to see you. Gereint, you must come and see
Arthur, your lord and first cousin.
I won't go - I am not in a condition to see anyone.
However, Gwalchmai was not that easily put off, and out of Gereint's
hearing sent a message back to Arthur to move his pavilion nearer.
[UNIT SOLDIERS hastily uproot the tent and move it across to Gereint's
tree with ARTHUR / BRIGADIER directing everyone]
Couldn't you have left this bit out? It's a bit hot for wrestling
with tent pegs! Gereint, you would not come to see me - clearly you
[ENID approaches ARTHUR]
ARTHUR [shaking her hand]
Alas, Enid, what journey is this?
I don't know, save that I must travel the road he travels.
Right that's enough - we'll go now!
Oh no, you're not!
Anyone who takes this opportunity for pantomime will instantly meet a
[Most of the UNIT SOLDIERS look crestfallen]
Right, well, put up another tent for him - sorry lads - someone get
Caddy Rice and Morning Tit while you're at it.
Arthur set up a pavilion for Gereint and Cadyryeith gave him all the
supplies he needed while Morgan Tud and his assistants treated him for
a month, until he was recovered. As soon as Arthur was told, Gereint
prepared to continue his journey and made Enid ride on ahead again.
They had not gone far when they heard the loudest scream in the world.
[Everyone listens, but nothing can be heard. Eventually, MEL'S
piercing tones echo through the forest.]
Sounds like Mel. Can we run the other way?
You wait here while I find out what's going on.
Gereint came to a clearing, where he found a woman in riding dress
standing over a young knight and screaming.
Nyssa? Wasn't that Mel we heard?
NYSSA / WOMAN
She offered to do the screaming for me.
GEREINT [looking at the dead knight]
Isn't that Adric? [Now wears a resigned look] Nyssa, what happened?
WOMAN / NYSSA [virtuously, talking as if by rote]
I was travelling with the man I love best, when there came three
giants, who with no reason or cause killed him.
GEREINT / FIVE [bending down to examine the body]
Um, Nyssa, he appears to be *actually* dead.
NYSSA / WOMAN [looking radiantly innocent]
I told you - three giants came and killed him. [Sobs into hanky]
GEREINT [still suspicious]
Gereint returned to Enid.
Go to the lady in that clearing and wait for me there - if I return!
Hang on a minute, what do you mean 'if you return'?
I think I'm about to battle three giants.
ENID / TEGAN
Giants? You'd better be careful. There seem to be a lot of
casualties in Story time lately. Think what happened to Turlough last
Just go and do as you're told, for once!
ENID [arriving in the clearing]
NYSSA [sniffing artistically]
ENID / TEGAN [bending down to look at him]
Wait! Nyssa, he's really *dead*!
NYSSA [reciting again]
There were three giants...
TEGAN [interrupting, hands on hips]
Don't give me that. I don't care how many giants there were. Even if
they got carried away and killed him, they'd hardly throw tomato sauce
over him as well. That'd only make sense if he was pretending to die
and then some *other* person came along and killed him while he was
NYSSA [stares blankly at her]
I don't know how you can say that, Tegan.
FIVE/ GEREINT [holding his cricket bat and looking worried]
I don't know why I had to have a cricket bat. It's not as if I can't
handle a sword.
Gereint pursued the three giants until he overtook them. Each one was
bigger than three men and had a cudgel on his shoulder.
[GEREINT finds that he is facing AZAL, SATAN and KING YRCANOS. With a
Enid was waiting with the grieving lady until Gereint return, in a
terrible state. He reached her and fell down dead. Enid gave a
terrible scream and ran to where he had fallen.
[GEREINT staggers on and then collapses. ENID yells out in alarm and
hurries over to his side and shakes him]
ENID / TEGAN
Nyssa, come and give me a hand! Something's really wrong here! Gwen,
what were you thinking?
It's hardly my fault. I'm sure he's pretending, so stop panicking.
I said I didn't kill that other knight.
TEGAN [narrowing her eyes]
You're enjoying this, aren't you?
NYSSA [looking ever more innocent]
Playing a foolish damsel in distress? Hardly, Tegan.
At that moment, the EARL LIMWRIS was travelling along the road with
his company. He heard the cry and crossed the road to Enid.
EARL LIMWRIS / THE MASTER
Lady, what has happened?
Oh, no, not *you*! That's all we need!
But what has happened?
Good sir, the man I loved best and always will love - he has been
LIMWRIS [to LADY / NYSSA]
[After a brief, obligatory chuckle at the news] And you?
NYSSA [wiping her eyes carefully]
The giants also killed the man *I* loved best. This other knight went
after them and killed them and, as you see, he has lost blood beyond
The Earl left them to bury the knight, but believed there was life
left in Gereint, so had him brought back to his court.
[ENID and the LADY bury KNIGHT/ADRIC by arranging stones around him,
neither wanting to bother with digging]
Now, Lady Enid, why do you not change out of that purple, travel-
stained outfit into something else?
I don't want to.
Lady, there is no need to be sad - even if your knight does not
recover, I have a good earldom here and you shall have control over
If you are about to write me poetry again, that's it! There's only so
much I can take!
Be merry - come and eat!
No, I won't! I want to stay with Gereint. I won't eat until he does.
Well, that may be never - he looks all but dead to me. [Laughs softly]
Leave us both alone!
LIMWRIS [hitting her]
I see it's no use being kind to you! I shall simply have to kill you,
my dear Enid!
ENID [leaps back]
Get off! Somebody help!
[GEREINT does not move]
GWEN / NARRATOR
Oh. He's supposed to wake up. Maybe they did kill him? Whoops...
TEGAN / ENID
Well, think of something before - aargh!!!
THE MASTER / LIMWRIS [attempting to strangle ENID]
That will teach you to reject my romantic offers!
TEGAN / ENID [desperately struggling free]
NYSSA / LADY [demurely]
I'm afraid I'm merely a grieving high-born lady. What could I
Gwen!!! [Kicks the MASTER and runs away as best as she can]
Um, I'm trying to think!
TEGAN / ENID
It's bad enough that this whole story time set up seems out to get me,
but now you've killed the Doctor! Plus, I don't know why he thinks
it's so funny that I'm Enid, when Gereint's clearly meant to be some
muscle-bound marvel, so he's as miscast as I am -
GEREINT [sitting up]
I know that voice. Typical - complaining about me again!
No, my dear Doctor, she's being irritatingly loyal - and I shall kill
her for it!
GFEREINT [leaping up and grabbing the cricket bat]
Oh, no you won't!
I said, no pantomime, people!
THE MASTER / LIMWRIS [ignoring her]
Oh, yes I will!
Oh, no you -
NARRATOR [putting an end to the pantomime element before it gets out
Gereint struck the earl a ferocious-bold, venomous-painful, fierce-
powerful blow so that the man was split and only the table stopped the
sword. His supporters ran in terror.
I'll do the best I can, but I *still* only have a cricket bat.
GWEN / NARRATOR
Look, hit him as hard as you can - we'll all be grateful.
[GEREINT hits LIMWRIS on the head and LIMWRIS falls to the floor in a
long, drawn-out death scene. Happily, no one is paying attention
after the first minute.]
The toddlers cheer again.
GEREINT [standing over the fallen EARL]
Take that, Earl Limpwrist!
NARRATOR [in instant revenge for the mangling of the Welsh]
Then Gereint looked at Enid and he felt two sorrows, one over her
losing her colour and her looks, and the other in knowing that she had
been in the right.
Come on, Enid - where are those horses?
Are we talking invisible horses again?
No, our horses.
I'm afraid mine's run off somewhere.
In that case, you'd better ride with me.
That was the nearest to an apology that Gereint got, but they still
lived pretty much happily ever after, with plenty of tournaments and
fights to keep Gereint from going soft again. From that time forth he
ruled prosperously, with prowess and splendour, and won praise and
fame for himself and for Enid ever after.