Story time! Gereint and Enid Part three. In which Gwen's Welsh story is brought to its violent conclusion. No actual animals were harmed during the writing of this section... *************** NARRATOR / GWEN He went to his father. ERBIN / FOUR DOCTOR [snoozing in his chair and waking up abruptly] What, am I *still* alive? GEREINT / FIFTH DOCTOR Sir, I have an errand to do, and I am not certain when I will return - look after your realm until I do. ERBIN That I will. But where are you off to? And you can't go alone - everybody hates you! GEREINT They do? Well, I am going with only one person. * NARRATOR He went to find Enid, waiting with their horses. GEREINT Get on your horse and ride in front of me and don't turn back or speak to me, no matter what happens - unless I speak to you first. ENID / TEGAN What? GEREINT You heard what I said. And no more talking! [ENID fumes] * NARRATOR They rode out and their road was the least travelled and wildest and surest for thieves and robbers and wild beasts. They reached a great forest and as they made for the forest, they met four knights. FIRST KNIGHT / LON This is a good chance for us to take the two horses and the armour, and the woman as well, for we will have no trouble as far as that single sad-looking droopy knight is concerned. ENID Oh, rabbits. What do I do now? Well, God's vengeance on me if I do not prefer death at Gereint's hand to death at another's. He may kill me, but I will speak, lest he be killed without warning. [ENID reins in her horse and waits for GEREINT to join her] ENID Did you hear what those men just said about you? GEREINT You are supposed to do as you're told and be silent. Your concern means nothing to me and is no warning. You may wish my death and destruction at the hands of those men, but I am not afraid. ENID I'm only trying to help! Next time I won't bother. NARRATOR At that, the first knight charged. Gereint met him and not feebly, side-stepping him and striking him boldly on the shield so that it split, his armour broke and the spear went half a yard into him, throwing him to the ground. [GEREINT rides up to the KNIGHT cautiously and taps his shield. The KNIGHT shoves the spear between his arm and his chest and falls with a loud yell. Tomato sauce is everywhere again]. * The toddlers cheered. Gwen rolled her eyes. * NARRATOR The rest all advanced and were killed in the same way. GEREINT [swiping at Battlefield KNIGHTS left and right] Um, Gwen, is this story supposed to be for the children? It's rather violent. NARRATOR It is? Compared to what? Your adventures where everyone you meet gets killed? GEREINT [as he wins] Ah. ENID If it gets *that* bad, I'm out of here. NARRATOR Gereint stripped the knights of their armour, put them on their saddles and knotted the reins together. ENID [grinning] Basically, Gerald, you're a thief. GEREINT [giving her a reproachful look] Enid. Take those four horses and ride ahead of me - and not another word out of you, do you understand? ENID [glumly, and struggling with the extra horses] I'll do my best. * NARRATOR They travelled on into the forest until they reached a great level plain with a dense tangled copse in the middle, and from that copse approached three knights, both horses and riders being fully equipped and armed. KNIGHTS / DALEKS Exterminate! GWEN / NARRATOR Hang on, you're supposed to plot to steal the horses, armour and the girl. If you're so efficient and superior, why can't you act? KNIGHTS / DALEKS [after a brief consultation] THAT KNIGHT - WILL GIVE - US NO - TROUBLE - AT ALL. WE WILL TAKE THE ARMOUR - AND MELT IT - DOWN TO MAKE - CASINGS FOR NEW DALEKS. WE HAVE NO USE FOR - THE CREATURES OR - THE GIRL - WE WILL EXTERMINATE! ENID I think this counts as an exception to the no talking thing - Doctor! NARRATOR Enid! You've been doing so well until now. ENID I mean, he is weary after all the fighting and this may - forget it! Doctor, there are Daleks up ahead! GEREINT I told you not to speak... Er, did you say Daleks? DALEKS Exterminate! ENID Gwen! How is he supposed to defeat them with a nothing but a cricket bat? GWEN I'm sure he'll think of something. [GEREINT and ENID hide behind the piles of stolen armour before setting loose the extra horses, which ride into the Daleks' line of fire. Meanwhile GEREINT runs up to them and whacks their eye pieces with his bat while ENID creates a distraction by throwing pieces of armour about.] GWEN / NARRATOR [shocked] You let the horses get killed! ENID Well, you weren't about to help us. GEREINT [returning and looking grim] I told you not to talk! ENID [grumpily] I didn't want you to be taken by surprise by a load of Daleks. GEREINT Your concern is worthless to me. NARRATOR [slightly distracted by the inadvertent carnage] Right, so he stole the armour again and the horses. ENID Wait - if this was working properly, I'd be in charge of seven horses by now? That's crazy. GEREINT [surveying the mess] Hmm, I suppose I could take a plunger or two if that would help? * Gwen looked up to see that little Davros and his Daleks were beginning to get restless. "My Daleks would *never* have been defeated so easily!" he hissed. She shrugged. "They were. Get over it." Victoria was sobbing. "Poor, poor horsies!" There was a rush to comfort her. Gwen pulled everyone but Little Two and Jamie away. "It's no good suffocating Victoria, thank you." "No one cried like that when *I* died," sulked Six. She patted him on the head cautiously. "Well, you're not as cute as the horsies. I mean, the horses." * NARRATOR Gereint knotted the reins together and ordered Enid to drive the horses on ahead. ENID Gwen, there *are* no horses. GWEN / NARRATOR Can we pretend they've turned invisible? ENID / TEGAN I suppose that's no less insane than anything else. GEREINT [coughs pointedly] I was trying to speak. I can see that it's no use telling you to be silent, since you will not obey me. ENID I will do my best, but I cannot conceal from you the violent hateful talk which I hear from these strangers who journey through the wilderness. GEREINT As I said before, your concern is worthless to me. ENID [resentfully] From now on I will be as silent as long as I can. GEREINT [laughs to himself] That won't be long then, will it? [TEGAN gives him That Look.] NARRATOR Enid rode on, keeping the horses before her and staying well ahead of Gereint. ENID Wouldn't you, after being treated like that? GEREINT [from some distance back] What did I say? ENID Rabbits. * NARRATOR From the copse they travelled through good open country and far away they saw a forest. They could see no end or limit to it. As they approached, there emerged from the forest five bold, fierce, powerful knights, mounted on strong wide-boned, ground-devouring, wide- nostrilled war-horses with plenty of armour covering both man and beast. [The FIVE KNIGHTS / IANTO, OWEN, CAPTAIN JACK, TOSHIKO and SUZY pull up in the SUV]. NARRATOR You lot? In that case, I accept no responsibility for whatever happens next. When they drew near, Enid heard this conversation from them: OWEN / KNIGHT This is a good chance for us - we can nick the armour and the horses and get the girl as well -. NARRATOR That is just typical of you, Owen Harper. OWEN / KNIGHT What? I'm only reading the words I'm given! IANTO / KNIGHT What horses? TOSH Sorry? IANTO / KNIGHT Well, I don't see any spare horses, or any armour. ENID They're invisible. CAPTAIN JACK / KNIGHT Of course! We should have realised. Right then, men, let's steal the invisible horses. I'm sure that sad excuse for a knight will give us no trouble at all. TOSHIKO We should be able to make a good profit on it. SUZY A profit selling invisible horses? NARRATOR Enid was greatly distressed and turned her horse's head and rode back to her lord. ENID / TEGAN It's bad news, Gerald - Torchwood have turned up and they want to run off with the invisible horses, the armour and me. GEREINT I hear you doing what I forbade you to, but perhaps you will live to regret it. [Looks alarmed] Torchwood? NARRATOR At that moment, the men encountered him and Gereint, exuberant and victorious, overcame all five. [EVERYONE stops and looks to the invisible NARRATOR] GEREINT [startled] Really? CAPTAIN JACK Is that it? NARRATOR Yes. So you lot had better get on and die. Not that I'm enjoying this or anything. SUZY What's new? CAPTAIN JACK [raising his hand and giving a wide smile] I may have a problem. GWEN / NARRATOR You certainly have a problem, Jack, but you can *pretend* to die, so get on with it. [GEREINT swings his bat about wildly and the KNIGHTS / TORCHWOOD TEAM fall about with varying degrees of melodrama, OWEN putting his hands to his heart and staggering back with much yelling and moaning, and CAPTAIN JACK leaping backwards into a tree before slumping to the ground.] NARRATOR Again, they took the armour and Gereint knotted the reins so there were twelve horses together. ENID [cheering up] So do I get to drive the car? NARRATOR Don't be silly, Enid. Just pretend you've got some more invisible horses and keep quiet. * NARRATOR They journeyed into the forest and soon night fell. GEREINT Right, let's stop here for the night. I'm so tired after all that fighting, I need my rest. You stay awake and look after the horses. ENID Am I allowed to say anything to that? GEREINT No. * NARRATOR So they passed the night, which in that season was not long. When Enid saw the light of day, she looked round to see whether he was awake and at that moment he woke. ENID I was wondering when you'd stop snoring. GEREINT [annoyed] I told you not to talk! Now, take the horses and set out and ride ahead, as you did yesterday. [Unable to help adding in a hurt tone] I don't snore. [TEGAN / ENID grins to herself.] * ENID How long is this going on for? NARRATOR Good point. * Gwen flicks through the pages hastily as the toddlers start to throw things, including each other. * NARRATOR Right. Keeping this as short as possible, Gereint and Enid were invited to stay with another Earl. On arriving, Gereint just wanted to go to sleep again, the lazy object, and ordered a room. He slept on the straw at one end and sent Enid to the other. ENID Typical. NARRATOR They went into the court of the Earl who had invited them. EARL / SECOND DOCTOR Hello! How nice to see you both! What sort of journey are you on? GEREINT I intend to simply look for adventure and do the errands I like. EARL [clapping his hands together] Splendid! Can I come with you? NARRATOR No. Behave! Then the Earl looked at Enid, still some distance from Gereint. [ENID and GEREINT who had unthinkingly been standing together, both looking fed up, move hastily apart] NARRATOR He thought that he had never seen a lovelier girl, nor a finer one and he set his heart and soul on her. ENID [folding her arms] So this is what it's like to be Peri. EARL I see that girl is estranged from you. May I go and talk to her? GEREINT You have my permission. EARL [crossly] I don't need your permission! I can talk to anyone I like - oh, ah! Thank you, there's a good chap. [The EARL crosses to ENID, standing with her arms folded and glaring at GEREINT] EARL My dear girl, you cannot enjoy travelling with that man. ENID I choose to travel the road he travels. EARL But you don't have servants or handmaidens! A fine lady like you should certainly have servants. ENID I would rather follow him than have servants or handmaidens. EARL Now I have an idea - I will give you power over my earldom if you will stay here with me instead. ENID I don't wish for that. I promised myself to that man first and I will not betray him. EARL [thinking] Hmm, well, that is a bit difficult, now, isn't it? Still, if I kill him, you will have nothing to stop you staying with me instead, won't you? ENID Oh. That's different. In that case, come here tomorrow and carry me off as if I know nothing about it. I wouldn't want to earn a reputation as the most unfaithful of women. EARL I will do that. I'm sure we'll have some fun together! ENID [under her breath] I don't think so... NARRATOR Enid said nothing to Gereint of this, lest she should make him angry or anxious. After they went to bed and had slept a little - still at separate ends of the room, so don't worry, Doctor - Enid arranged his armour and woke him. ENID [shaking GEREINT] Wake up! You must hear what the Earl intends to do. GEREINT Tegan, I told you to go to the other end of the room and keep quiet! What are you doing here? ENID [pointedly] *Enid*. Anyway, he wants to carry me off tomorrow morning - and if I refuse, he will kill you and carry me off and then cast me off when he has finished with me. Call me unreasonable, but I'm not keen on the idea. GEREINT Oh, very well. I suppose we had better go. NARRATOR Gereint summoned the man of the house and asked him how much he owed him. [The PROPRIETER enters looking both wary and annoyed] GEREINT How much do I owe you? PROPRIETER Where am I? What is this about? ENID Are you feeling all right? The Doctor - I mean, Gereint - asked how much he owed you! PROPRIETER / MAN OF THE HOUSE You didn't pay for that ginger beer and bread you ran off with earlier. GEREINT Will eleven horses and eleven suits of armour cover it? MAN OF THE HOUSE [suspiciously] What sort of currency is that supposed to be? ENID Well, technically the horses are invisible and the armour's spare bits of Dalek, but the offer does include Torchwood's car. [The PROPRIETER has already gratefully taken his leave - and the keys.] NARRATOR He was supposed to say that was more than you could possibly have owed him and guide you out of town! GEREINT Don't worry, we'll see ourselves out. * NARRATOR Right, we'll skip the next fight. GEREINT Good. I don't think hitting people is doing my cricket bat any good. I'm sure those Torchwood people left some dents in it. * NARRATOR A knight rode over to Gereint, who was shading under a tree, having been wounded in the previous fight and needing to keep out of the sun. This was Kei, though he did not recognise Gereint. Enid had been told to go and sit under a different tree. KEI / SERGEANT BENTON Where are you going and who are you? GEREINT I am looking for adventures and going whichever way I please. KEI Well, you must come with me to see Arthur. NARRATOR Then Gereint recognised Kei but this didn't stop him having another fight with him. He struck him with the butt of his spear, having no wish to do Arthur's steward further harm. [GEREINT and KEI look at each other warily, then whisper briefly. GEREINT waves his cricket bat and KEI, without coming near it, yells out and falls to the ground.] NARRATOR Kei was terrified and ran off wildly until he came to Gwalchmai's pavilion. [KEI runs off through the forest to a tent] [GWALCHMAI / CAPTAIN YATES emerges from tent] KEI Sir, there is a wounded knight in the forest, but he will not come with us for help. He was rather short with us when we asked. GWALCHMAI I do not mind going - maybe he'll be taller by the time I get there? KEI [puzzled] Sir? GWALCHMAI Never mind... * NARRATOR Gwalchmai arrived and after fighting with him as Kei had done, he recognised his enemy. GWALCHMAI Gereint, is it you? This is a wretched, ill-advised journey! Is that Enid as well? It'd good to see you. Gereint, you must come and see Arthur, your lord and first cousin. GEREINT I won't go - I am not in a condition to see anyone. NARRATOR However, Gwalchmai was not that easily put off, and out of Gereint's hearing sent a message back to Arthur to move his pavilion nearer. [UNIT SOLDIERS hastily uproot the tent and move it across to Gereint's tree with ARTHUR / BRIGADIER directing everyone] BRIGADIER Couldn't you have left this bit out? It's a bit hot for wrestling with tent pegs! Gereint, you would not come to see me - clearly you lack advice! [ENID approaches ARTHUR] ARTHUR [shaking her hand] Alas, Enid, what journey is this? ENID I don't know, save that I must travel the road he travels. GEREINT Right that's enough - we'll go now! ARTHUR Oh no, you're not! NARRATOR [swiftly] Anyone who takes this opportunity for pantomime will instantly meet a horrible death. [Most of the UNIT SOLDIERS look crestfallen] ARTHUR Right, well, put up another tent for him - sorry lads - someone get Caddy Rice and Morning Tit while you're at it. NARRATOR Arthur set up a pavilion for Gereint and Cadyryeith gave him all the supplies he needed while Morgan Tud and his assistants treated him for a month, until he was recovered. As soon as Arthur was told, Gereint prepared to continue his journey and made Enid ride on ahead again. They had not gone far when they heard the loudest scream in the world. [Everyone listens, but nothing can be heard. Eventually, MEL'S piercing tones echo through the forest.] ENID Sounds like Mel. Can we run the other way? GEREINT You wait here while I find out what's going on. NARRATOR Gereint came to a clearing, where he found a woman in riding dress standing over a young knight and screaming. GEREINT Nyssa? Wasn't that Mel we heard? NYSSA / WOMAN She offered to do the screaming for me. GEREINT [looking at the dead knight] Isn't that Adric? [Now wears a resigned look] Nyssa, what happened? WOMAN / NYSSA [virtuously, talking as if by rote] I was travelling with the man I love best, when there came three giants, who with no reason or cause killed him. GEREINT / FIVE [bending down to examine the body] Um, Nyssa, he appears to be *actually* dead. NYSSA / WOMAN [looking radiantly innocent] I told you - three giants came and killed him. [Sobs into hanky] GEREINT [still suspicious] Hmm. NARRATOR Gereint returned to Enid. GEREINT Go to the lady in that clearing and wait for me there - if I return! ENID Hang on a minute, what do you mean 'if you return'? GEREINT I think I'm about to battle three giants. ENID / TEGAN Giants? You'd better be careful. There seem to be a lot of casualties in Story time lately. Think what happened to Turlough last time! GEREINT Just go and do as you're told, for once! * ENID [arriving in the clearing] Nyssa? Adric? NYSSA [sniffing artistically] He's dead. ENID / TEGAN [bending down to look at him] Wait! Nyssa, he's really *dead*! NYSSA [reciting again] There were three giants... TEGAN [interrupting, hands on hips] Don't give me that. I don't care how many giants there were. Even if they got carried away and killed him, they'd hardly throw tomato sauce over him as well. That'd only make sense if he was pretending to die and then some *other* person came along and killed him while he was lying there. NYSSA [stares blankly at her] I don't know how you can say that, Tegan. * FIVE/ GEREINT [holding his cricket bat and looking worried] I don't know why I had to have a cricket bat. It's not as if I can't handle a sword. NARRATOR Gereint pursued the three giants until he overtook them. Each one was bigger than three men and had a cudgel on his shoulder. [GEREINT finds that he is facing AZAL, SATAN and KING YRCANOS. With a cricket bat.] GEREINT Oh dear. * NARRATOR Enid was waiting with the grieving lady until Gereint return, in a terrible state. He reached her and fell down dead. Enid gave a terrible scream and ran to where he had fallen. [GEREINT staggers on and then collapses. ENID yells out in alarm and hurries over to his side and shakes him] ENID / TEGAN Nyssa, come and give me a hand! Something's really wrong here! Gwen, what were you thinking? NARRATOR It's hardly my fault. I'm sure he's pretending, so stop panicking. NYSSA [complacently] I said I didn't kill that other knight. TEGAN [narrowing her eyes] You're enjoying this, aren't you? NYSSA [looking ever more innocent] Playing a foolish damsel in distress? Hardly, Tegan. NARRATOR At that moment, the EARL LIMWRIS was travelling along the road with his company. He heard the cry and crossed the road to Enid. EARL LIMWRIS / THE MASTER Lady, what has happened? ENID Oh, no, not *you*! That's all we need! LIMWRIS But what has happened? ENID Good sir, the man I loved best and always will love - he has been killed! LIMWRIS [to LADY / NYSSA] [After a brief, obligatory chuckle at the news] And you? NYSSA [wiping her eyes carefully] The giants also killed the man *I* loved best. This other knight went after them and killed them and, as you see, he has lost blood beyond measure. NARRATOR The Earl left them to bury the knight, but believed there was life left in Gereint, so had him brought back to his court. [ENID and the LADY bury KNIGHT/ADRIC by arranging stones around him, neither wanting to bother with digging] * LIMWRIS Now, Lady Enid, why do you not change out of that purple, travel- stained outfit into something else? ENID [stubbornly] I don't want to. LIMWRIS Lady, there is no need to be sad - even if your knight does not recover, I have a good earldom here and you shall have control over it. ENID If you are about to write me poetry again, that's it! There's only so much I can take! LIMWRIS Be merry - come and eat! ENID No, I won't! I want to stay with Gereint. I won't eat until he does. LIMWRIS Well, that may be never - he looks all but dead to me. [Laughs softly] ENID [glaring] Leave us both alone! LIMWRIS [hitting her] I see it's no use being kind to you! I shall simply have to kill you, my dear Enid! ENID [leaps back] Get off! Somebody help! [GEREINT does not move] GWEN / NARRATOR Oh. He's supposed to wake up. Maybe they did kill him? Whoops... TEGAN / ENID Well, think of something before - aargh!!! THE MASTER / LIMWRIS [attempting to strangle ENID] That will teach you to reject my romantic offers! TEGAN / ENID [desperately struggling free] Nyssa, help! NYSSA / LADY [demurely] I'm afraid I'm merely a grieving high-born lady. What could I possibly do? TEGAN Gwen!!! [Kicks the MASTER and runs away as best as she can] NARRATOR Um, I'm trying to think! TEGAN / ENID It's bad enough that this whole story time set up seems out to get me, but now you've killed the Doctor! Plus, I don't know why he thinks it's so funny that I'm Enid, when Gereint's clearly meant to be some muscle-bound marvel, so he's as miscast as I am - GEREINT [sitting up] I know that voice. Typical - complaining about me again! LIMWRIS No, my dear Doctor, she's being irritatingly loyal - and I shall kill her for it! GFEREINT [leaping up and grabbing the cricket bat] Oh, no you won't! NARRATOR [hastily] I said, no pantomime, people! THE MASTER / LIMWRIS [ignoring her] Oh, yes I will! GEREINT Oh, no you - NARRATOR [putting an end to the pantomime element before it gets out of hand] Gereint struck the earl a ferocious-bold, venomous-painful, fierce- powerful blow so that the man was split and only the table stopped the sword. His supporters ran in terror. GEREINT I'll do the best I can, but I *still* only have a cricket bat. GWEN / NARRATOR Look, hit him as hard as you can - we'll all be grateful. [GEREINT hits LIMWRIS on the head and LIMWRIS falls to the floor in a long, drawn-out death scene. Happily, no one is paying attention after the first minute.] * The toddlers cheer again. * GEREINT [standing over the fallen EARL] Take that, Earl Limpwrist! NARRATOR [in instant revenge for the mangling of the Welsh] Then Gereint looked at Enid and he felt two sorrows, one over her losing her colour and her looks, and the other in knowing that she had been in the right. GEREINT [smiling] Come on, Enid - where are those horses? ENID [tired] Are we talking invisible horses again? GEREINT No, our horses. ENID I'm afraid mine's run off somewhere. GEREINT [cheerfully] In that case, you'd better ride with me. * NARRATOR That was the nearest to an apology that Gereint got, but they still lived pretty much happily ever after, with plenty of tournaments and fights to keep Gereint from going soft again. From that time forth he ruled prosperously, with prowess and splendour, and won praise and fame for himself and for Enid ever after. Part One - Part Two - Epilogue
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