[Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]
[SOL, Theater interior]
[All five enter the theater as usual and take their accustomed
NUMBER ONE: See what I mean? Commie heads and nail-studded
baseball bats just seem to naturally go together, like trailer parks
and tornados, or Eminem songs and brain damage.
MUTSUMI: Or like snipes and bags!
[HELEN looks at MUTSUMI, then just shakes her head.]
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE) Whatever you say, Tailgunner Joe.
[A screen in front of the five lights up and words begin to appear
NYSSA: And, just when Nyssa thought things couldn't get any
dumber, the fanfic re-appeared.
>The following day, the Doctor suggested to Romana that she go
>and talk to the constabulary, while he goes to visit the house that
>showed some evidence of the Time disturbances.
DOUG: The famous 'Split Up to Search for Clues Strategy'. The
Camp Crystal Lake guidebook recommends it.
MUTSUMI: Of course, the Camp Crystal Lake guidebook was
written by Jason Voorhees.
>Romana agreed, looking forward to using some of her diplomatic
>techniques on some of the locals
DOUG: The word 'diplomatic' comes from the Greek 'diplos',
meaning 'kiss their ass' and 'maticos', meaning 'while picking their
>in London at this time in its history, which was an awful and
>Romana made her way to the police station, went in and had a bit
>of a chat about the dead bodies that she knew they would have
>found by now.
NUMBER ONE: (Romana, airily) Yeah, all those dead guys? We
found them last night. We would have told you about them and
stuff, but we were kind of hungry, you know?
>"Who?" Romana asked.
HELEN: Ah. Romana's diplomatic techniques involve owl
>"Jack the Ripper, definitely," the police constable replied.
>"Are you sure? Don't you think it could have been some kind of
>"But what kind of animal, Miss?"
HELEN: Having read the title of this story, I'm going to guess... a
very large barn owl.
>"A dog?" Romana suggested.
>"Impossible," the police officer replied, "the cuts were too deep,
>too surgical for a mere canine."
MUTSUMI: (policeman) The killer has to be either Jack the
Ripper... or some type of boating accident.
>"Perhaps you're right," Romana said.
>"Who are you working with, anyway?" the officer questioned,
>"Myself mostly," Romana smiled.
HELEN: (Romana) That's also who I play with mostly.
>"But I really have to be going."
>"Thankyou for your visit, Miss... Dvrateralundar."
>Romana then went from house to house, posing as a police
NYSSA: ...by wearing a sign that said 'Not a Fake Policeman' on
DOUG: (Londoner) Odd that this copper's a foreigner, a woman,
and has no badge or credentials. If not for the sign, I'd think she
might be a fake.
>asking anybody for any kind of information. Nobody could have
>been helpful, because
NUMBER ONE: ...that might require writing actual dialogue.
>they were all too terrified to leave their homes at night to witness
>any kind of murder, which they were in constant fear of, not to
>mention appalling disease.
MUTSUMI: The curse of Sporadic Anal Enlargement Syndrome
stalks the land once again.
NUMBER ONE: (Coach Aesop) Remember, kids: if you want to
keep pooping healthily, _never_ wipe your ass with color comic
HELEN: Actually, the worst plague to strike my part of Britain was
a terrible epidemic of smallcox...
[DOUG whaps HELEN on the head.]
>Romana spent the whole day doing this, and soon darkness was
>falling once again.
>In the meantime, the Doctor made his way to the mysterious,
>abandoned house his device was going mad about, and kicked
>the door in,
NUMBER ONE: The Doctor, at least, knows how to impersonate
>failing to unlock the lock with his sonic screwdriver beforehand,
>which said to him that there was some kind of advanced
>technologist at work here.
MUTSUMI: ...or else the door had a trapdoor-style latch on it.
>What the Doctor saw inside the house was nothing short of
>shocking and appalling.
DOUG: ...a remake of 'Casablanca' starring Steven Seagal?
>There simply wasn't a floor.
NUMBER ONE: (bored) Big whoop. I used to live in a house like
HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE) You had a house? We were so poor,
our whole family lived in one room, with no floor or ceiling!
DOUG: (to HELEN) Luxury. When I was a kid, we lived in a
packing crate with no floor, underneath a snowbank!
MUTSUMI: (to DOUG) Well, when I was eight, we lived in a
houseboat in the middle of Naha Harbor.
DOUG: (to MUTSUMI) That doesn't sound so bad...
MUTSUMI: (to DOUG) Our boat didn't have a floor in it, either.
Or a bottom.
MUTSUMI: (to DOUG) On the plus side, I became _really_ close
to some of the local sea turtles. But then we left and moved into a
tree. Not because we were poor or anything; Mama just liked trees.
[MUTSUMI, HELEN, DOUG, and NUMBER ONE stare expectantly
at NYSSA, who notices after a long moment.]
NYSSA: (to OTHERS) What, me? Well... there was this one time
when our third-best palace went a whole season without being
[The OTHERS throw popcorn and watermelon seeds at NYSSA.]
>On the ground was a pit, a spiral, a spiral that was not of the
>substance of the existence of Earth, of the things that made up its
DOUG: Sort of 'Lovecraft-meets-Spirograph'?
>It was an hypnotic spiral that the Doctor just knew was a gateway
>to somewhere, most probably into the Time Vortex. And it was
>very, very dangerous.
HELEN: (to OTHERS) Oh! Let's do a Simile Lightning Round!
NYSSA: (quickly) Dangerous as neutering an Ogron!
NUMBER ONE: (quickly) Dangerous as a Kennedy in an
DOUG: (quickly) Dangerous as being Courtney Love's kid!
HELEN: (quickly) Dangerous as oral sex with a cannibal!
MUTSUMI: (quickly) Dangerous as a bored lawyer!
>The Doctor took out an apple from his pocket,
DOUG: (Doctor, sarcastically) A fine job _you_ did of keeping me
>then a ball of hard string. He tied the apple to the string solidly,
>then threw it into the Vortex spiral. After seconds, he pulled it out
>again, to see that the apple had been completely demolished,
>broken down, and was a dripping mess,
NYSSA: How was it a dripping mess if it was completely
>of thousands of different colours.
HELEN: He knew because he counted them all.
>There was one thing the Doctor did know,
NYSSA: Really? That's one more than he's demonstrated so far.
>and that was that he had to close this entry to some kind of
>Vortex, probably the Time Vortex... but how?
NUMBER ONE: (Dr. Lucy McCurvey) You just need my brilliant
invention, the Vortexentrycloser!
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE, quietly) Hey, isn't referencing a minor
character from a webcomic a bit _too_ obscure?
NUMBER ONE: (to DOUG, quietly) Feh. If our audience is so
foolish as to _not_ read Josh Lesnick's 'girly', then I blame _them_.
>It was a nightmare to think of, a problem that might take him years
>to overcome... and how was it linked to the series of bloody,
HELEN: Obviously, it's a gateway to the Dimension of Giant Barn
>Night was rapidly descending,
DOUG: ...after being stuck in a holding pattern over Chicago for
>and Romana needed answers. She made her way back to the park
NYSSA: [readies slate] ...more corpses?
>that all that remained was blood patches, where the corpses had
>been taken away.
NYSSA: (disappointed) Aw, don't tease me like that.
>Delightful, at the centre of the park was a white gazebo, a
>beautiful structure with intertwined patterns, white and
>outstanding in the falling darkness. Romana trotted up the stairs
>and leaned against one of the poles, feeling like a girl again,
>giggling to herself.
MUTSUMI: (Romana) Murder scenes are _fun_! Wheee!
DOUG: More fun than Euro Disney, anyway...
HELEN: Romana went to the park and played on the mood
>She hopped down, walked around the outside and leaned against
>the outer edge, her back to the gazebo.
DOUG: She's just a lean, mean, leaning machine.
>The giant, savage, great dog,
NYSSA: ...apparently an Adjective Terrier...
HELEN: I still say it's a barn owl in disguise.
>its mouth slashed open,
NUMBER ONE: That has to hurt.
>razor sharp teeth gnashing, leapt out of the shadows and in two
>giant leaps was on Romana, ripping the flesh out of her chest.
MUTSUMI: It was then that Romana realized she shouldn't have
worn a perfume made by Purina.
HELEN: (singing) One hit to the body!/One hit straight to the
>Romana had no time to scream.
NYSSA: [holds chalk poised] Come on! Do I get to add to the
Character Body Count or not? Don't leave me hanging like this!
>It was morning, and Romana woke up
NYSSA: Oh, poop! [throws slate and chalk aside] Story, you're no
fun any more!
>outside the gazebo, dazed, not sure what had happened to her.
HELEN: She should stop putting PCP in her bong water.
>She staggered off into the London streets, her cream dress soaked
>with her own blood, still pouring from the wound over her right
DOUG: Okaaaaay... And it's been doing that since twilight of the
previous day? So then, Gallifreyan bodies hold around 120 gallons
of blood. Which is lucky, since it apparently doesn't clot.
NYSSA: (to DOUG) Remember your punishment assignment,
young man? Don't make me double it.
>"God help us!" men who were there screamed, running, terrified.
NUMBER ONE: Romana has apparently staggered into the
Wussington Road District.
>"Get me to a hospital!" Romana screamed.
>She sunk to her knees, then collapsed against the filthy pavement,
>about to regenerate again.
NYSSA: (indignantly) Regenerate?! I want corpses, curse you!
>She woke up again, on some kind of operating table.
>Looking up, she saw some surgeons, brandishing terrifying
MUTSUMI: ...like a tongue depressor made out of Cthulhu...
>which looked like instruments of torture.
DOUG: (surgeon) Sorry, lady, but the only treatment your HMO
will pay for is thumbscrews.
>"Don't do this to me!" Romana screamed, and screamed, and
>screamed, and passed out.
>She woke up a final time, in unbearable pain, feeling like
>something was missing.
NUMBER ONE: That's how I wake up _all_ the time now.
NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE) I _said_ I was sorry.
>Her vision was blurred beyond recognition and she reached for a
>glass of water, and instead picked up a glass with something in it.
NUMBER ONE: (surgeon) Sorry, the water pump's out, and all
we had left was rat urine. But it _is_ fresh.
>When her vision cleared, she screamed again.
>Inside the large, thick glass jar was her right heart, a slit all the
>way down its side.
MUTSUMI: She knew it was hers because it was monogrammed.
>There was only one word she could say before she screamed this
>time without ever stopping.
NYSSA: [holds ears] Her lungs are awfully healthy for someone
who just underwent 19th-century heart surgery.
>The Doctor had been informed by the police that the young
>woman he had been with was now in the infirmary, seriously sick.
DOUG: And the police knew she was with him _how_?
NYSSA: (to DOUG) Well, it's a bit embarrassing, but... the Doctor
made all us companions wear collars and tags that have our name
and 'If found, return to...' information on them.
HELEN: (to NYSSA) That's rather demeaning.
NYSSA: Yes, it was. But rabies vaccination days were the worst...
>"What?" the Doctor demanded, and left the office in a fury.
NUMBER ONE: A '58 Fury that drove like it had a mind of its
>Romana was lying in a bed, her eyes opened at slits. The Doctor
>was horrified and transfixed to see one of her hearts in a jar on the
>table beside her bed.
>"Why did you do this?" he demanded the surgeon,
HELEN: (surgeon) Because the owner of a lonely heart is much
better than the owner of a broken heart.
MUTSUMI: (surgeon) She seemed like the type who'd wear her
heart on her sleeve, anyway.
NYSSA: (singing) Don't let him steal your heart away...
>an experienced doctor himself, a man of at least thirty-seven.
>"She was another victim of the murders," the surgeon, Giles, said.
DOUG: (Giles) Except that she wasn't murdered, so it's all kind of
Zen, when you think about it.
>"We had never seen somebody in this bad a state, and we had to
NUMBER ONE: (Giles) Hey, I used a clean hatchet.
>"I never knew operating meant removing vital organs," the Doctor
>replied with disgust.
NYSSA: [shrugs] If you're operating for the patient's benefit, no.
But if it's for amusement, then anything goes. (to HELEN) That
reminds me, weren't you complaining of a toothache earlier?
HELEN: (to NYSSA, nervously) Nope! Not me!
>"Whatever reason that heart was there," the surgeon said, "it was
>wrong. It had to go, and, as you can see, it was so badly
>damaged it wouldn't have worked anyway.
MUTSUMI: Slashed hearts are easy to fix! All you need is some
[The OTHERS groan and shake their heads.]
DOUG: [whaps MUTSUMI lightly on the head] That was awful.
And if _I_ say a pun is awful, it's pretty dang awful.
MUTSUMI: [giggles] Yes, but puns aren't funny anyway. Having
the nerve to _make_ a terrible pun is what's funny.
>Whatever attacked your friend here went straight for the heart, or
>one of them."
HELEN: (Giles) And now she's only making a half-hearted effort at
>"You just don't know what you're doing," the Doctor said. "We
>need to operate immediately. Where's your anaesthetic."
NUMBER ONE: (Giles) Right here. It's the _flat_ side of the
>"We have used it all."
>Immediately, the Doctor took out his sonic screwdriver, changed
>the settings, pressed it against Romana's forehead and activated
>the device, which let out a low pitched vibration. Romana's eyes
>closed as she was technologically anaethesised.
NYSSA: Uh-huh. So why were you asking for anesthetic in the
HELEN: (to NYSSA) The ether was for _him_, silly.
>The Doctor then removed the same pen torch from his pocket,
>adjusted some dials on it, then, carefully, picked up Romana's
>second heart and sealed the long gash with a powerful laser
DOUG: (singing) Turn on your heart light... Urk!
NUMBER ONE: [grabs DOUG by the throat] If you ever sing Neal
Diamond near me again, I will murder you dead. Understand?
[DOUG nods slowly and NUMBER ONE releases him.]
>something which astonished Giles the surgeon beyond his mind.
>"Put it back in," the Doctor demanded.
HELEN: [nods sympathetically] I hate having to tell men that.
NYSSA: (to HELEN, snidely) Perhaps they can't _tell_ when it's
>"NOW!" the Doctor roared.
>The operation took an hour,
NUMBER ONE: They used _two_ hatchets.
>and Romana's chest was completely open, her second heart
>connected to all of its arteries and veins,
NYSSA: ...and they did it all using the standard 19th-century
surgeon's kit of leeches and a crosscut saw.
NUMBER ONE: (to NYSSA) Hey! They had the hatchets, too!
>and then sealed up by the Doctor's laser device. Romana was
>then put back together
DOUG: All the King's horses and men dropped in to help.
>and sealed up, stitched up, and, unsurprisingly, healed within
>three days, but was still too weak to walk.
NYSSA: Suuuure she was healed. I _know_ Romana. She needed
morphine and a week in bed after having _glasses fitted_.
>Within those three days, there were a series of another ten grizzly
NYSSA: Oh, poop. Those were off-screen, so I can't count them. I
want character fatalities!
DOUG: 'Grizzly' murders? Have the police checked Davy Crockett's
NUMBER ONE: That's what happens when your country doesn't
have the right to arm bears.
>When Romana could speak, the Doctor asked her what had
MUTSUMI: (Romana) I guess the politically-correct term would
be that I received a canid-induced non-elective breast reduction.
>"It was a werewolf," Romana said.
>The Doctor was shocked. "A werewolf?"
HELEN: (Romana) It was hairy, it stank, and it communicated in
grunts. Since we're a century too early for hippies, it's got to be a
>The Doctor told Romana about the Time Spiral and how it was
>somehow linked to what was going on.
>"I wish I could do something," Romana confessed, "but I'm too
>debilitated, incapacitated, as you can see."
DOUG: (Doctor) You're a load, Romana, but at least now you have
MUTSUMI: Since she was bitten by a werewolf, doesn't that mean
she's going to become one herself?
NYSSA: (to MUTSUMI) Ordinarily, yes. But since the author is
making up history and laws of physics as he goes, there's no
reason he should keep to the conventions of mere folklore.
>"Don't worry," the Doctor said, "we'll take care of it."
>Several hours later, as it was approaching dusk, the Doctor moved
>into the hunting lodge,
NUMBER ONE: Hunting lodge?! What the Hell are people going
to hunt _in_ London? Street urchins?
NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE) I suspect he means a hunting _club_
of some sort, but like Dr. Watson on a bad day, he lacks any clues.
MUTSUMI: One of my uncles used to hunt with a club... he would
sneak up on ducks and bash them with it.
>before organising a meeting of the best hunters in London, about
>thirty of them.
HELEN: Commander McBrag was there, and Hank and Roy Spim
from Australia, and the famous Mr. Fudd from America.
>"Gentlemen," the Doctor began, "we have a pack of killer dogs on
>our hands, and we have to keep them under control.
NUMBER ONE: I find myself disliking all the characters so much,
I'm rooting for the dogs here. Is that wrong?
MUTSUMI: (to NUMBER ONE) No, it's just a typical case of
>All of us have to take tranquilliser rifles and knock out as many
>as we can."
DOUG: Well, gee, why not just use tasers? They'll be about as
common as tranquilizer guns in Victorian England.
>"What are they, Doctor?" a stocky man asked, scratching his
>"Some type of werewolf," the Doctor said unmistakably.
>A horrified cry arose from the crowd, then descended to a
MUTSUMI: (Zen master) What is the sound of thirty men wetting
NYSSA: (Marty Feldman) [points] _There_ wolves. There castle.
>The men stood up and went to reach for their hunting rifles.
>"TRANQUILLISER GUNS ONLY!!!" the Doctor bellowed
>Another man stood up, for all of them.
NUMBER ONE: (hunter) We have guns, you don't. Consider that
when you think about yelling orders at us.
>"Absolutely not, Doctor. These creatures have killed many of us
>and must be destroyed."
>"You don't even know WHAT THEY ARE!!!" the Doctor
NUMBER ONE: (hunter) Um... they're werewolves?
>"I said tranquilliser guns ONLY!!"
>"There could be people under those things," the Doctor said.
MUTSUMI: Eww... I've heard about that kind of thing, on the
Internet. 'Furries', they call themselves...
>"Now follow me."
>The man looked at each other sceptically.
>The Doctor turned his head back around.
HELEN: ...and vomited pea soup all over them.
>The men snapped to attention, stood up, grabbed their
NYSSA: (muttering) Stupid non-lethal...
>and followed the Doctor out into the streets of London at
>11:45pm, just as midnight approached.
DOUG: Ooh. It's 11:45 _and_ midnight is approaching. That
_can't_ be coincidence!
>The thirty men moved with the Doctor into the park where the
>majority of the corpses had been found, the park which was a
>central point in this area of London, houses and other buildings
>circularly around it.
NUMBER ONE: As experienced hunters, they knew that the best
way to stalk dangerous prey was to tromp around in a group the
size of sophomore algebra class.
>Although the Doctor knew that the werewolves stalked the park,
>waiting for victims,
DOUG: [raises hand] Excuse me, Mr. Author? Most journalism
associations regard the use of the term 'werewolves' as inherently
biased and unfairly judgemental. The preferred terms are 'lunar-
enhanced lupine activists' or 'pro-lycanthropy militants'.
>they also could be roaming the streets.
NUMBER ONE: That's why inner-city werewolves need a midnight
>They were an appalling threat, and the Doctor only used firearms
>in the gravest of situations, and this was one of them.
NYSSA: He also kept some run-on sentences in reserve.
>The men were split up into two groups: ten carried flaming,
MUTSUMI: Oooh! The best kind of torches! The kind that flame
_and_ blaze! You don't see those very often.
>sticks, to provide light, and twenty carried the tranquilliser rifles,
>rifles that fired a dart with enough venom inside to knock an
>elephant out if necessary.
HELEN: Hunter Thompson used to go through five of those a day.
>It should be easy to knock out a dog, if it was just dogs they
NYSSA: ...which you already said it _wasn't_.
>The Doctor briefly thought of K9, how he might be useful in this
DOUG: They could put him out front and let the werewolves trip
NYSSA: (to DOUG) My astounding empathic powers are telling
me that you are not a K-9 fan.
DOUG: (to NYSSA) Your empathic revelation is as astounding as
a magician pulling a rabbit out of a rabbit hutch.
>but possibly. But no, the werewolves themselves were
>anachronistic enough, and if K9 would happen to be abducted
>without the Doctor's knowledge,
HELEN: ...it would prove that he would be useless in a werewolf-
>it could start a technological revolution which could bring the
>World Wars of the next century to the point of utterly
>exterminating the human race, and the planet Earth.
DOUG: ...mainly because whatever nation took him would lose
badly after developing advanced main battle tanks that could be
brought to a complete halt by a thickly-painted highway stripe.
>K9 was to remain in the TARDIS.
>The party entered the park, the gazebo where Romana had been
>nearly fatally attacked, visible in the distance. Five men with
>flaming torches flanked each side, with the twenty men with rifles
>held in front of them in the middle, with the Doctor at the centre.
NUMBER ONE: More graduates of the ADF Tactical School. Use
unarmed men to guard your flanks, concentrate your firepower
where you'll have to shoot through your own ranks, and if your
defenseless flanks get whacked, you lose all your light sources.
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE, angrily) We only did that _once_!
And it was a... a... a _ruse_! A battlefield deception! And so was
the panic-stricken rout that followed it!
>They moved steadily through the park, and there was nothing, no
>sign or sound of movement.
>Then the men cried out together in horror as an unholy howl was
>unleashed from all around them.
DOUG: [chuckles] (to OTHERS) Get it? 'Unleashed', and they're
after giant _dogs_... Aheh. Never mind.
>One wolf entered the circle of brightness, just, and all that could
>be seen were its round eyes glimmering golden yellow
MUTSUMI: It _really_ needed to go walkies.
>and hungry, in the distance.
>The Doctor knew that his hunting troop only had a limited amount
>of tranquilliser darts, only about fifty, and he did not know how
>many werewolves there were. There could be a hundred!
NUMBER ONE: [sighs] A tip, Doc: when you're studying
strategy, try reading Clausewitz and Sun Tzu instead of Custer and
>The wolf trod out from the darkness, and into the light, slowly.
ALL: (yelling) No! Don't go into the light!
>It was bigger and more terrifying than any dog the Doctor had
>ever seen, bigger than a Doberman or a German Shepherd.
HELEN: It was so big, it would have to lie down to hump your leg.
>Its shoulders were massive, hunched, and its body immense and
>incredibly muscular, bristly fur coating its brown outer surface.
>Its legs were immense,
NYSSA: (author) It was big. Did I mention that part?
>particularly the hind legs, perfect for leaping and pouncing its
>victims before its mouth...
MUTSUMI: ...or for thumping on the floor like mad if you
scratched that one spot on its chest.
>Its face was the biggest and most meanest face,
NYSSA: Double-superlatives are always the most best way to get
your point across.
>an enlarged snout for killing, furious eyes, and fangs that were
>long and sharp... it was a face that was simply the face of a
>creature that was not of this world.
MUTSUMI: This world doesn't have carnivorous mammals in it,
>The men's hearts pounded randomly, going into overdrive, and
>the troop of riflemen raised their tranquilliser rifles and waited.
NUMBER ONE: ...because Lord knows, you wouldn't want to try
using _rifles_ to shoot something at a _distance_.
>"Just one," the Doctor instructed lowly. "Just one dart."
>The creature leapt!
>And then it was in front of the group!
>The men screamed and, in spite of the Doctor's orders, fired
DOUG: ...because apparently none of them had ever hunted
anything more dangerous than nookie before.
HELEN: (to DOUG) Actually, in 19th-Century London, the nookie
could be pretty lethal.
>But it was too late.
NYSSA: [poises chalk and slate] Carnage? Carnage?
>The werewolf was already ripping the jaw off of a rifleman,
NYSSA: Yes! Carnage! [makes chalk mark] I'm going to assume
that having your jaw ripped off was fatal back then.
NUMBER ONE: (to NYSSA) Depends on whether the heart had
migrated up there.
>and some of the tranquilliser darts had hit one rifleman and one
>torch bearer, who both slumped to the ground, a terrible look on
DOUG: (tranquilized hunter) No... I just... became... bait...
HELEN: [snorts] They're gonna be reincarnated as AD Police cops
in their next lives, I just know it.
NUMBER ONE: I always wondered why they call them 'AD Police'
when they're not so much a law enforcement agency as they are
scenery that bleeds.
>However, a dart lodged steadily in the hind of the lethal werewolf,
>yet the best still kept ripping the dying man to pieces.
NYSSA: It's the 'best' werewolf _and_ the 'most meanest'. Cool.
>A rifleman fired again, and the werewolf's ripping head gradually
>slowed, then its body collapsed on the man, its whole frame
>expanding and contracting as it breathed furiously.
MUTSUMI: I've tried breathing like that, but 'peevishly' was the
best I could do.
>"My God!" a torch bearer cried
NUMBER ONE: ...and was immediately torn to pieces for it by a
pack of ravening ACLU attorneys.
>as two more wolves emerged from the shadows.
>"Fire!" a rifleman shouted, and ten darts went flying.
>In spite of the primitiveness of the rifles, the men were expertly
>trained and were totally accurate shots.
DOUG: ...as evidenced by their performance a couple of
paragraphs ago. NOT!
>The two werewolves groaned loudly and collapsed.
NUMBER ONE: Ah, the time-tested tactic of announcing to your
enemies that you're out of ammo. These guys should just smear
themselves with Puppy Chow and be done with it.
>Three more werewolves appeared and leapt simultaneously.
>Three torchbearers went down,
HELEN: Er, is this really the time to be doing that?
NYSSA: (delighted) Don't be silly! They're dead, dead, dead!
[makes three more chalk marks]
>but as one went down, a werewolf caught fire, before being
>tranquillised and doped out into unconsciousness.
>The Doctor stood back and watched the battle, unable to act
DOUG: That hasn't stopped Keanu Reaves.
>himself, and deeply worried about how long the tranquilliser
>venom would last, how long the wolves would be out for.
NUMBER ONE: [throws up hands] Christ on a crutch! Even
_Wile E. Coyote_ plans things better than this!
>"Doctor!" a rifleman said. "Let's kill them!"
>"NO!!" the Doctor yelled, then, more sedately, said: "I have to
MUTSUMI: (hunter) You should have done that before we left.
>"Leave it to us," the same man said confidently.
MUTSUMI: (hunter) Oh, wait. You _are_ leaving it to us.
>"I'm sorry your men were killed," the Doctor said.
HELEN: Yeah. That's why his sole treatment of the injured and
dying has been to stand there like a cigar-store Indian.
DOUG: (to HELEN) Not to nit-pick your similes, but wooden cigar-
store Indians actually serve a useful purpose.
>"But I need to stop them from coming through, into this world, if
>my hunch is right."
DOUG: (Doctor) And if it isn't, at least I'll be well away from the
London Werewolf Hunting Society's re-enactment of Dien Bien
>"What are you talking about?"
>"There's a portal in an abandoned house nearby. You wouldn't
>understand it if I told you but take it from me that it's a gateway to
>another place somewhere else in the universe. It's my guess that
>the werewolves are coming through there, from another world.
NUMBER ONE: And the reason you didn't shut down the portal
_first_ was what, exactly? Doc, Cobra Commander just called and
said your planning sucks. Do you realize just how sad that is?
>These are supernatural creatures, not of this world."
>"Then go! Shut the portal down if you can!"
>"I'll see if I can, but it will be hard. If I do, the creatures might go
>back from where they came, or they might lose their power
MUTSUMI: (Doctor) Like all canines, werewolves derive their
violent energy from the nearby presence of a postman.
>"They could be robots."
DOUG: Robots that are vulnerable to sedatives.
NYSSA: [shrugs] (to DOUG) With the way the laws of physics
work in this story, why the heck not?
>The man simply withdrew a large knife from his belt and cut
>deeply into a nearby unconscious werewolf. Red blood poured
>out of the deep cut.
>"Flesh and blood," the man said.
HELEN: That's pretty clever, considering that Victorian-era folk
would have thought 'robot' meant something you paddled around
>"Alright then," the Doctor said, annoyed at what had just
DOUG: So... innocent people getting slaughtered doesn't bother
him, his own guys getting torn to pieces doesn't bother him, but
give one of the mass-murdering bad guys a boo-boo and he cops
a friggin' attitude?
NUMBER ONE: (announcer) The role of the Doctor will now be
played by a random member of Amnesty International.
>"I'll see you not too long away, hopefully. Try and keep the
>situation under control, get more ammunition if you need to."
HELEN: (hunter) Wow. That's _much_ better than my plan of
running out of ammo and losing.
NYSSA: And if they _have_ more ammunition, the reason they
didn't bring it to begin with was...?
NUMBER ONE: (to NYSSA) The only thing I can figure is that the
Doc is actually on the werewolves' side.
NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE) That _would_ explain... well, um,
>"But Doctor..." the man began.
MUTSUMI: (Doctor) No, I'm _not_ a proctologist.
>"JUST DO IT!!" the Doctor roared,
NUMBER ONE: Now he's getting his tactical advice from Nike.
>then walked away rapidly towards the house which he had first
>found the vortex spiral in. In only fifteen minutes, he reached the
>house, and the door was unlocked, almost intentionally so.
MUTSUMI: That door is a little _too_ unlocked for it to be
NYSSA: How do you 'almost' intentionally do something?
NUMBER ONE: (to NYSSA) Like this...
[NUMBER ONE stretches and yawns and ends up with her hand
on NYSSA's left breast in the process. NYSSA reddens, mostly
NUMBER ONE: (to NYSSA) See, that wasn't intentional, but it
was _almost_ intentional.
NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE) I think I see. And since you were
nice enough to explain by 'almost intentionally' feeling me up, I
will demonstrate a related concept to you by intentionally _almost_
[NYSSA grabs NUMBER ONE by the neck and chokes her until the
OTHERS jump in and separate them.]
>The Doctor moved inside.
>In the infirmary, Romana's eyes snapped open.
HELEN: She glared at her nurse and snarled, "Jeez, would it kill
you to _warm up_ that catheter first?"
>She had the most dreadful feeling, and even though she was still
>in so much pain, and her twin-hearted cardiovascular system was
>fighting to repair itself, she pulled herself out of bed and stood
>up, then had to sit down straight away, just about on the point of
MUTSUMI: (Romana, gasping) Must... escape... hospital food!
>"The Doctor's in danger!" she said, and she knew she was right,
>as she always was.
NYSSA: And the audience knew she was a smug bint, as she
>Her head spinning, Romana stood up again, dressed hurriedly in
>some clothes of the era she was in, then went outside.
>She stumbled to where there were the nineteenth century
>equivalent of taxis,
HELEN: ...known as Hansom cabs to those who are prepared to do
about two seconds' worth of research.
DOUG: Ah. So, this is Bizarro-London, where the horses drive the
carts and people draw them. That explains a heck of a lot.
>She climbed into one, in more pain than she had ever been in in
>her hundred and fifty years.
HELEN: ...except for that time when she jumped on her bicycle in
the dark, not realizing that the seat had fallen off.
OTHERS: [wince and squirm in their seats] Ouch.
>"Go," Romana said directly.
>"But where?" the cabby demanded, astonished at the torn looking
>woman, putting his pipe and newspaper down.
MUTSUMI: (Romana) First star on the right and straight on 'til
>"Through the park, past the gazebo," Romana said.
>"And where then?"
>"You'll know," Romana said, and the cab departed swiftly, the
>horses neighing and grunting, their horseshoed hooves rapping
NUMBER ONE: That's what you get for using _50 Cent_
DOUG: They're so cheap because you buy them in _Tupacs_.
>against the cobbled pavement.
>Inside the house, the Doctor watched as the Time Spiral was fired
>up, spinning furiously, not just a dark pool into some unknown
>point in Time and Space but a multicoloured vortex, sound
>spewing out, the grinding and howling of an unnatural point at a
>terrible time in London's history.
HELEN: (sagely) Ah. It opens into a Sex Pistols concert.
>It was then that the Doctor knew that this was the power source
>for the werewolf creatures,
NYSSA: The four dozen extension cords leading out of it kind of
gave it away.
>although to his knowledge of mythology werewolves were people
>who turned into furious, powerful wolves when the moon was
>full... yet these awful creatures were permanently in their states
>from dusk onwards, or perhaps all through the day. The
>Doctor speculated that perhaps they came back here during the
>day and entered this point in the Time Vortex to recharge
>themselves for their next night of killing... and for what reason?
NYSSA: Senseless mayhem is only fun if it's just that -- senseless.
Otherwise, it feels too much like work, instead of a hobby.
>What possibly for?
DOUG: Maybe they're slaughtering people for overusing the word
'furiously'? I know _I'm_ tempted...
>Who, or what, could be causing this chaotic destruction? The
HELEN: ...or his former partner, the Baiter?
NYSSA: (to HELEN) That comment was so predictable, I can't
even bring myself to tell you how predictable it was... Except that
I just did... So, uh, never mind...
>The Doctor's question was answered as the air above the Time
>Spiral altered and shimmered, changing shape and form,
NYSSA: Since when does air have shape and form?
>blasting out sound which soon synthesised clearly into a female
NUMBER ONE: It was Alanis Morrisette and at that moment, the
Doctor knew the world was doomed.
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE) Not just doomed. _Furiously_
>"Greetings, Doctor," the voice said, then, when it spoke again, it
>had resonated to male.
>"What are you?" the Doctor demanded.
>"You may refer to me as the Time Genius," the voice said.
DOUG: Guy invents the digital watch and -- POW! -- it goes
_right_ to his head.
MUTSUMI: Maybe he could explain that Daylight Savings thing
to me. I still don't get that.
>"But who are you? Why don't you show yourself to me in a
HELEN: ...like the form of Tracy Lords, for instance? Or Jennifer
>"My energies are high tonight, Doctor, and I can take on this form
>only... it would be a waste of valuable Time-Space resources
NUMBER ONE: Genius here is the only alien monstrosity to sign
the Kyoto Agreement.
>to materialise in a human form... and why should I? I'm not an
>"And I suppose those vile killing creatures are your servants."
>"For the moment," the Time Genius said.
DOUG: (Time Genius) I'm planning to downsize most of my
domestic werewolves and outsource all my vile killing to cheaper
>"What are you talking about?"
>"They are merely at their form for my personal enjoyment,"
HELEN: And not _ours_, apparently.
>the abomination said, its voice female again. "I have simply taken
>some worthless beings from this world and transformed them into
>a form of powerful killing canine-like beings to cause some
>trouble, and above all to enjoy watching the slaughter of these
NYSSA: Okay. I'm down with that.
>"How dare you!" the Doctor uttered. "You have utterly no right!"
DOUG: A couple more 'utters' and he could start a dairy farm.
NYSSA: (to DOUG, sourly) You mean like the one we have
_here_? [points at NUMBER ONE, HELEN, and MUTSUMI]
NUMBER ONE: [smirks] Milk does a body good!
MUTSUMI: (to NYSSA) Oh my, there's no need to be jealous.
Lots of people find minuscule breasts attractive, too. Or so I
assume. I wouldn't know, myself...
NYSSA: (stunned) _M-M-Minuscule_?! They're not _that_
small! They're perfectly normal-sized! They just look... _tiny_
when compared to you three mammary mutants!
HELEN: (to NYSSA, smirking) You just keep telling yourself that.
NYSSA: (angrily) I am _not_ flat! They stick out like they're
supposed to! (to NUMBER ONE) Tell them! You've felt of them
NUMBER ONE: (to NYSSA, tonelessly) There is no way for me to
respond that won't get me punched and/or strangled again.
NYSSA: (to DOUG) You, then! My boobs are normal, aren't they?
[sticks out chest] Well? What do you think?
[HELEN, MUTSUMI, and, after a moment, NUMBER ONE stick
their chests out as well.]
DOUG: (to OTHERS) You four work this out amongst yourselves.
I'm a married man. (mumbling) A married man, yessiree. A very
married man who's got a _lot_ of old baseball statistics on his mind
right now, you betcha...
>"The Universe is at my feet," the Time Genius being said,
MUTSUMI: That would explain the all-pervading odor of gym
>male again, but now the voice of a little boy, all the time its form
>altering, undulating, wavering, spewing out colour and bizarre
>sound, in crescendo and decrescendo.
HELEN: Sounds like a one-sentence history of Deep Purple.
>"I can do whatever I want, to whatever planet I want, anywhere, in
>existence. This planet is merely the location of my next victim."
>"You've got to stop!" the Doctor said, in sheer disbelief. "You
>don't know what this might do to the future of the planet, or the
NYSSA: That's right. It could screw up history so that humans
evolve into greedy, ignorant, sex-crazed savages with no taste and
poor hygiene and... oh, wait, never mind. Forgot who I was talking
>"Like the ancient Romans or Greeks of this amazing world, Doctor,
HELEN: ...enjoy rogering anything that moves and quite a few that
NUMBER ONE: (to HELEN) You know those Greeks, always
expanding the circles of their friends...
>kill for entertainment and enjoyment. I have no concept or
>understanding of what life is like for these pathetic humans, so
>they are merely my subjects."
NYSSA: That's dumb. Killing someone is only really fun if you
understand what you're taking from them. Otherwise, you might as
well just kick over sandcastles.
HELEN: [looking at NYSSA] Ah, the insights that come from
being a flat-chested sociopath.
>"Your subjects? You don't mean to tell me you have the power to
>transmogrify human beings?"
>"I have this power, and so much more, so I chose to turn them
>into creatures from this planets brilliant mythology.
DOUG: Cool. So, why not turn people into _other_ mythical
creatures that don't really exist? Like 'unbiased journalists'.
NYSSA: Or 'courteous cell-phone users'?
NUMBER ONE: Or 'Palestinian moderates'?
HELEN: Or 'popular small-breasted girls'?
MUTSUMI: Or 'fan-fiction authors with social skills'?
>But why stop here?"
>"What do you have planned?"
>"Perhaps if I unleashed some dragons in the battles of England, or
>perhaps America, it might be an interesting display for me to
>stand back and watch,
NYSSA: It would be if the dragon was... Trogdor the Burninator!
HELEN: (Strong Bad) And lo, Trogdor smote the Yanks, and all
was laid to _burnination_.
>a new type of chaos in your warlike history, something you
>"How do you watch, and where from?"
>"I can be anywhere I like, and quite invisible."
>"And why do you treat me like I am not one of them, the
>"Come now, Doctor,
HELEN: (Doctor) If you insist, but I'll need lower lighting and
some Barry White music...
>we people of Merimbulus have known of the Time Lords for
>"So you mean there are others like you, who can do this whenever
>"Not others, I am unique.
DOUG: (Time Genius) I'm also good enough, smart enough, and
goshdarnit, people _like_ me.
>That is why I am genius. A Time Genius. I can go wherever I like
>through the Time-Space vortex, open up a portal and unleash my
>destructive and catastrophic powers.
MUTSUMI: (Time Genius) The Tunguska Impact, the destruction
of Lemuria, the Plagues of Egypt, and giving Donald Trump a TV
show were all _my_ doing!
>All it takes is thought and will."
>"Tell me about your people," the Doctor said.
DOUG: (annoyed) Doc, what are you, Barbara Walters? Just close
the damn vortex!
>"With pleasure." And the voice of the Time Genius became
>something which was neither male nor female.
[DOUG, NYSSA, and HELEN glance at NUMBER ONE. NUMBER
ONE is obviously annoyed by this.]
NUMBER ONE: (to OTHERS, irritated) Don't go there, y'all. Don't
even lay out the route on a map. Don't even jingle the friggin' car
MUTSUMI: [glances around] (confused) Huh? What? Am I
missing something here?
HELEN: (to MUTSUMI) No, someone else is 'missing something'.
[NUMBER ONE whaps HELEN on the head.]
>Something that spoke English but was beyond words and would
>have driven anybody from Earth mad, insane out of their minds.
DOUG: Sounds like that tech support guy from Calcutta I was on
the phone with.
>The Doctor could hardly stand it himself.
>"We are a society of game players.
HELEN: (Time Genius) Don't make us get all d20 on your arse!
>We exist only to entertain ourselves and each other,
NYSSA: I'll certainly vouch that you aren't entertaining anyone
>and for centuries our planet has stolen entertainment from
>countless cultures throughout the universe, with my help."
DOUG: (Time Genius, muttering) They still haven't forgiven me
for bringing them those Adam Sandler movies...
>"_Your_ help? What makes you so special?"
>"Our entire planet was in a particular area of the Universe where
>the Time forces were unstable.
MUTSUMI: (Time Genius) As you can imagine, this made
programming a VCR absolutely _nightmarish_. And you can
forget about making soft-boiled eggs.
>Countless numbers of our people have been killed by these
>dangerous forces, yet I was the only one born, ever, to be
NYSSA: ...by their homonym-swapping powers.
>the most by the seizing of the Time Fields around my birth section
>of Merimbulus. I was born with the power to travel through Time
>and Space, to enter the Vortex itself, and go to whatever time and
>place I choose, but do not be deceived, Doctor, it is not pleasant
DOUG: (Time Genius) The seating is cramped, the food service
consists of peanuts that could survive atmospheric re-entry, and
the in-flight movie is 'Gigli' on endless repeat.
>I have come to steal more from Earth at this time, and unleash
>some chaos for my own enjoyment."
>"Yet you're dying." The Doctor simply said.
NYSSA: (huffily) If so, could you speed it up a bit? [taps chalk on
NUMBER ONE: I'm having trouble hanging onto my will to live,
>"I was dying from the moment I was born, Doctor, from Gallifrey,
>and with each trip and each devouring and personal festival, I
>become more powerful, yet more torn apart and warped in the very
>essence of my being.
DOUG: [nods] The exact same thing happened to Elvis.
NUMBER ONE: Well, you know the old saying: 'Power corrupts.
Absolute power corrupts absolutely. But it also rocks absolutely.'
MUTSUMI: I don't know whether a 'WWHPD?' bracelet would
help for that, but it certainly couldn't _hurt_... unless your being
warped around it and it caused an infection or something.
>This is why I can only appear to you in this distortion of matter,
>and only with the power of the Time Spiral."
>"You do realise I simply can't let this go on," the Doctor said.
>"How can you stop me??!"
DOUG: (Doctor, as Hans Blix puppet) I will tell the UN, and they
will be angry. And they will send you a _letter_ telling you how
angry they are.
NUMBER ONE: (Time Genius, as Kim Jong Il puppet) You'we
bweakin' my bawws, Doc, you'we bweakin' my _bawws_!
>the voice was human again, and emitted hideous laughter, and
>then finally said, "And now I will devour you, your mind, your
MUTSUMI: ...your dieting secrets, your dance moves, your video
fighting game tips, your phat rhymes...
>and your form, your Gallifreyan body, will die, without
>"Wait!" the Doctor shouted. "That's hardly fair! I can help you!
NUMBER ONE: Doc, with your advice to the werewolf hunters,
you've already helped the Genius here _plenty_.
>All you have to do is go, just leave this planet, take your wolves
>and never return!"
>"Impossible! I'm having too much fun!"
>And with that, an arm of Time Genius form whirled out and picked
>up the Doctor,
HELEN: Usually, that involves a Singapore Sling and the words,
"Is that a sonic screwdriver in your pocket...?"
>and hurled him against the wall of the building. The force then
>reached out several arms and the Doctor was held against the
>wall, his entire being being devoured... slowly, excruciatingly.
DOUG: What about 'furiously'?
>Romana's cab rode furiously
DOUG: Ah, there we are.
>through the park, where Romana saw about ten werewolves lying
>down, unconscious, and men with torches and rifles surrounding
NUMBER ONE: That's good. You certainly wouldn't want to, say,
tie up or otherwise restrain dangerous enemies while they're at your
mercy, heavens no.
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE) The Doctor would get p-o'ed and yell
at them again if they did anything that sensible.
>She was also sickened to see that some of the men were lying
>there in bloody heaps, unable to resist the werewolves' attack,
>something she had evaded somehow.
NYSSA: It was due to an old Time Lord secret called the Authorial
Fiat of Rassilon.
>"Keep going!" Romana cried out, clutching her chest.
NUMBER ONE: (Romana, as Redd Foxx) Elizabeth! I'm comin' to
join ya, honey!
>Already, her wounds had become undone
DOUG and HELEN: (singing) She's come un-dooooone!
>and blood was seeping out through her shirt. She could barely
>keep awake, and her left heart was working in overdrive to keep
>the blood pumped around her advanced physiology, while her
>right heart tried to pump, and repair itself at the same time, but she
>needed to rest for this to have its maximum effect!
NYSSA: Perhaps less-strenuous sentence structure would help?
>In the distance, there was a great explosion of sound and colour,
>and the cabby didn't even need Romana's instructions. He just
>went straight there and pulled up outside the building.
MUTSUMI: ...like a good plot device should.
>"Thankyou," Romana said, and stumbled out of the cab. Without
>even thought of payment, the cabby took swiftly off, in terror.
>Romana made her way into the building, and was shocked to see
>the Doctor - in the air - screaming, surrounded by forces of colour
>and sound, held in the air.
MUTSUMI: (Doctor, as Judy Garland) Auntie Em! Auntie Em!
It's a twister!
>"Romana!" he gasped. "Go!"
ALL: (Romana) I did that before I left!
>"No!!!!" Romana howled, ran, with the last of her strength, and
>jumped into the middle of the Time Fields, where the Time Genius
>held the Doctor, the Time Spiral beneath them.
NYSSA: ...but her _timing_ was off and she Time Bounced off the
Time Wall and hit the Time Floor very Time Hard.
>Then, something incredible happened.
DOUG: Michael Moore left food on his plate?
NYSSA: George W. Bush said a four-syllable word correctly?
MUTSUMI: A Scientologist was kicked out for being too gullible?
HELEN: A fanfic author got laid?
NUMBER ONE: We failed to offend somebody?
>Romana let go of her life, of her current incarnation.
NYSSA: That a girl, Romana! Embrace sweet, sweet death! [holds
chalk and slate poised]
>She let the life ooze from her... and regenerated - again.
NYSSA: (disappointed) Ah, nutbunnies! [puts slate aside]
>There was an unbearable scream from the Time Genius.
>"What... is... happening!!!!"
HELEN: Someone hit you with a half-dead bit of tail, that's what.
(to MUTSUMI) Er, no offense.
>The Vortex began to swirl madly, at an horrific speed, and,
>howling, the Time Genius and all of its forces were pulled in to the
DOUG: (Ross Perot) ...with a giant sucking sound.
>against its will, and the Vortex sealed shut forever, leaving just the
>wooden floorboards of the building there.
HELEN: I don't know much about architecture, but I simply
_adore_ the method they used to put flooring together back then!
NYSSA: (to HELEN, warily) And that was...?
HELEN: Tongue-and-groove, of course!
NYSSA: [shakes head] Of course.
>The Doctor was thrown against a wall, unconscious.
>And as for Romana...
>Somehow the particles and forces of her regeneration had
>interfered with the substance of Time of the Time Genius
DOUG: You can tell because the Time Genius is flashing 12:00 over
>and his/her forces and Romana's regeneration had caused an
>enormous cataclysm that did some enormous damage and
>sabotage, closed the Time Spiral, the Vortex Entrance, and the
>Time Genius had been banished from Earth, forever.
MUTSUMI: ...and the rivers flowed with chocolate and watermelon
juice rained from the sky and man and turtle lived together in harmony
and nobody was mean or flat-chested ever again.
HELEN: And it caused all that... 'somehow'. [sighs] Is it too much
to ask for at least a little technobabble?
NUMBER ONE: (to HELEN) Obviously, the FM Factor played a
HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE) 'FM'? As in 'Frequency Modulation'?
NUMBER ONE: (to HELEN) No, as in 'Friggin' Magic'.
>Romana's lifeless, bloody body was flung back against the
NYSSA: (excited) Lifeless?! Yes! Yes! [makes chalk mark]
>like a rag doll, its whole form fazing out of existence as she
NYSSA: (yelling) Aaaaargh! Teased again! [erases chalk mark]
Fanfic, why must you torment me?! The only thing this story has
going for it is the bloodshed and you won't even deliver on _that_!
[beats slate on own head]
HELEN: [eyes NYSSA] Well, _this_ part is amusing, at least.
NYSSA: (yelling) I want some violence and I mean to have some!
[glares around, panting]
HELEN: (nervously) Correction. This part _was_ amusing. (to
OTHERS) We're going to die, aren't we?
DOUG: Yep. Furiously, at that.
MUTSUMI: (to NYSSA) My, my. When you pant like that, it
makes your chest look much larger and fuller.
NYSSA: [stops glaring and blushes shyly] Do you... really think
so? I mean, I told you they weren't actually small, right? I have a
nice figure, very properly-proportioned for my height and build.
NUMBER ONE: [staring at NYSSA's chest] (to NYSSA) Could
you pant some more? I'm having a hard time seeing them now.
NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE, angrily) Who asked your opinion,
pervert?! [backhands NUMBER ONE]
HELEN: Correction to my correction: this _is_ amusing again and
only Number One is going to die.
>When the forces stabilised, there was a woman with dark, curled
>hair, lying there,
NYSSA: ...in a pool of unnecessary commas.
>hair flowing to beyond her shoulders. Her face was exquisite and
>beautiful and definitely the face of a Time Lady. She was wearing
>the same 19th Century London clothes that Romana had worn,
HELEN: ...when she and the Doctor were playing 'Oliver Twist and
Naughty Mr. Fagin Go to the Bathhouse'.
NUMBER ONE: (Romana, sultry) Please sir, I want some _more_...
>shirt and trousers, with boots.
>In minutes, Romana woke up, looked around, looked at herself,
>saw that her hair was now pitch black.
>"Oh no!" she gasped, in quite a different voice.
>It was then Romana had realised she had fully regenerated
>successfully. She placed her hand to her chest, one side, then the
MUTSUMI: (Romana) Drat! Still a B-cup!
HELEN: (to MUTSUMI) You haven't said _that_ in a long time, I'll
MUTSUMI: (to HELEN, giggling) Not since I was in middle
HELEN: [nods] (to MUTSUMI) Same here. I haven't worn a B
since I was twelve.
NYSSA: (to HELEN and MUTSUMI) Just so you know, I hate
>and felt that her cardiovascular system had fully repaired itself
>through her regeneration, and she was as good as new... but how
>could she explain this to the Doctor?
NUMBER ONE: Well, she could always try something like, "Hey, I
regenerated saving your useless ass."
>There was actually an ovular mirror on one of the walls
NYSSA: ...just next to a spermatic shelf.
MUTSUMI: Ovular mirrors would be _really_ handy for we
women, since I'll bet our egg cells have as hard a time parallel-
parking as we do.
>of the deserted building, and Romana rushed to it, and was
>astonished at the beauty of her new face.
DOUG: The good news is that she has the face of a movie star.
The bad news is that that star is Gerard Depardieu.
>But no, it would have been too much of a shock for the Doctor.
DOUG: He still had nightmares about 'My Father, the Hero'.
>Using the same Time Feminine powers
NUMBER ONE: ...such as Time Nagging and Time Soap Opera-
HELEN: [whaps NUMBER ONE on the head] Can the sexism,
darling. You're a woman, too.
NUMBER ONE: (chirpily) I am not a _woman_. Women are, like,
housewives and moms and Gloria Steinem and stuff. As for _me_...
[poses 'sexy'] I'm a _chick_! A babe! A hot broad!
NYSSA: A flaming dunce.
>she used in her past regeneration, after being tortured by the
>Shadow, before her incident with the Daleks,
NYSSA: ...in neither of which was she tortured as much as this
sentence structure is...
>Romana willed her appearance to change, and in seconds her face
>dissolved and resolved back to... how it was when she first met
>the Doctor, when she had been employed by the White Guardian
>to help him recover the Key to Time!
NYSSA: I spoke too soon. Just when I thought the sentence
structure was being profoundly tortured, the author pulls out the
whips and branding irons.
DOUG: (shocked) I am in total awe. Most _stories_ don't have
that many gratuitous continuity references, but here they've all
been packed into _one sentence_. It's like a fanwank WMD.
>"Well, we can't have that now, can we? I don't want to be like this
>any more." Even her voice was back to the way it was.
>She tried again, and was pleased to see herself recover back to the
>way she was, in her second incarnation, but looking better.
NYSSA: (snidely) 'Better', but still not 'good'.
MUTSUMI: Oh dear. She gets to choose whatever face she
wants... and she chose _that_ one?
[The OTHERS spit-take and stare at MUTSUMI.]
DOUG: (to MUTSUMI) That was uncharacteristically... harsh... for
you, wasn't it?
MUTSUMI: (to OTHERS) I just meant that it shows a very
commendable humility of spirit to not be so caught up in concepts
of external beauty.
NUMBER ONE: (to MUTSUMI) Wow. That's either the nicest
put-down or the bitchiest compliment I've ever heard.
HELEN: Oh, back off, you lot. Romana's not unattractive at all. In
fact, she's very pretty. I'd do her any day.
NYSSA: (to HELEN) You'd do a _doorknob_ if you were left alone
with it long enough.
HELEN: (to NYSSA, indignantly) Have you been spying on me?
>Quickly, smiling, she hurried over and roused the Doctor into
>consciousness. He opened his eyes, and grinned.
NUMBER ONE: (Doctor) Any day I wake up outside a detox cell
is a _damn good_ day.
>"Romana! You're alright. But you look... younger!"
DOUG: (Doctor) A _lot_ younger. In fact, when I first woke up I
mistook you for a fetus in bad clothes.
>"I regenerated!" Romana exclaimed.
>"I'm sorry it had to happen like that," the Doctor said, looking
>around and seeing that the Time Genius and the Time Vortex
>Spiral were both gone.
NYSSA: (Doctor) There should have been another way...
Something involving a fission enema, perhaps.
MUTSUMI: (to NYSSA) Would that be for the Time Genius or
NYSSA: (to MUTSUMI) You ask me this as if I might care _who_
>"You were about to be destroyed, and after that werewolf attack I
>was on the verge of regeneration again, and I thought that
>perhaps if I forced my oncoming
HELEN: I've done that before, when it was clear that my partner(s)
weren't going to last long enough to do me any good.
NYSSA: (to HELEN) A bit like waving a sausage 'round in
Carlsbad Caverns, is it?
HELEN: (to NYSSA) You're so cute when you're vicious! You
know you are quite welcome to spelunk my caverns for yourself
any old time. The Mistress's bed is open to even the flattest-
chested of girls.
NYSSA: (to HELEN) I am _not_ flat-chested!
HELEN: (to NYSSA, huskily) So prove it to me.
NYSSA: (to HELEN) You wish!
HELEN: (to NYSSA) Why yes, as a matter of fact I _do_ wish...
>regeneration it might interfere with all of those nasty Time spasms
DOUG: Romanadvratrelundar -- a wallet in the Mouth of Time.
>that were happening there, and save you."
>"And it did! And it sealed this Vortex point!"
MUTSUMI: (announcer) It also removes stubborn understains,
freshens breath, makes Julienne fries, and can cut a Toyota in half
yet still remain sharp enough to slice warm water! Now how much
would you pay?
>"But I didn't like my regenerated form at all, so I changed back,
>and gave myself a face lift. I know, even though I was quite
>beautiful I still thought I needed it!"
NYSSA: Perhaps she should have transplanted some of that
swollen ego to her chest?
HELEN: (to NYSSA) As if you have room to talk on either
MUTSUMI: (to NYSSA) You know, you remind me of an anime I
once saw -- 'Project A-Cup', I think it was.
NYSSA: [gritting teeth] I don't have small breasts _or_ a big ego.
It's hardly _my_ fault you lot don't recognize perfection when it's
sitting right beside you, throwing food at your heads. [throws
popcorn at OTHERS]
>"Romana?" the Doctor said.
>"Next time, if you want cosmetic surgery, let's go to the twenty-
>first century. There's no need to throw away an incarnation like
NUMBER ONE: (Doctor) The surgeons there are amazing. They
once turned a black male pop singer into Glinda the Good Witch.
>"Sorry, Doctor, but you know, we women..."
NYSSA: ...have to behave as rock-stupidly as everyone else in this
>"Yes, I know. Come on, let's see what's happening in the park!"
>The two left the building, which collapsed as they left. Obviously
>the forces that had gone on there had been too much for its
DOUG: Which is why it stood just fine while those forces were
present but collapsed like French morale when they were _gone_?
>Romana, the third Romana, and the Doctor,
MUTSUMI: ...tried to figure out where the extra Romanas were
>ran quickly towards the park, and the Doctor greeted the
NUMBER ONE: (Doctor) Oi! What are you lot doing still alive?
>As expected, lying, where the place of every werewolf was, was
>now a naked man.
>"Cover these up!" the Doctor commanded.
HELEN: Hey! No fair, you Fascist!
DOUG: (announcer) The part of the Doctor will now be played by
>"And take them to the infirmary immediately!"
>It was done.
>Unfortunately the Doctor saw that two of the men who had been
>the victims and subjects of the Time Genius's games had actually
>died in their transmogrification back to humans.
NYSSA: [picks up slate, then sets it aside, sighing] No. Sad to
say, but this prose has managed to suck the joy out of even the
>Also one man had a deep cut in his back, where the hunter had
>cut the werewolf before to prove to the Doctor that it was flesh
>and blood, and not a robot.
MUTSUMI: ...in case you had forgotten about that due to it being
an event which had happened previously, before this point in time
which is now as opposed to then, which was when the hunter had
cut the werewolf who is now a person but was a werewolf at that
previous time when the hunter had cut it to prove it was flesh and
blood as opposed to being a robot, which it was clearly not as it
had bled when--
[HELEN clamps a hand over MUTSUMI'S mouth.]
HELEN: (to MUTSUMI) You're such a pretty girl, you shouldn't
spoil it by actually talking. [removes hand]
MUTSUMI: (to HELEN) Your fingers smell like tuna fish and
>In a day, the mess had been cleaned up, and the threat of the
>werewolves to London was gone forever.
>The Doctor and Romana said goodbye to all the people who had
>helped them, the police constable, Giles the surgeon,
NUMBER ONE: ...who was _actually_ Giles the kosher butcher,
but it was his day off.
>and the surviving hunters and torchbearers.
NUMBER ONE: All two of them.
>They told the constable only about the horrifying old couple at
>the Solitary Inn, an he promised the Doctor to do his best to track
DOUG: He could start by checking at the circus. Someone tried to
eat one of the clowns there, but stopped because it tasted funny.
>They then entered the TARDIS, and, not caring about its
>destination, let the randomiser take them to a miscellaneous point
>in the Universe... over the period of a week!
HELEN: The words 'miscellaneous point' being Gallifreyan for
'planet with no drug laws'.
>They needed the break... urgently!
>In the Time Vortex, the force of the Time Genius whirled and
>spiralled, destabilising, then, in the midst of it all, a TARDIS, a
>simple black box, materialised, opened, and, with that familiar, dark
>chuckle, sucked the force of the Time Genius in, closed, and
NYSSA: Actually, that _sentence_ needed the break -- or more
than one -- urgently.
HELEN: Ordinarily, I'd have all kinds of smutty things to say about
the Master sucking the Time Genius here, but the sentence
structure is causing even my raunch glands to be in pain.
>"Romana?" the Doctor asked, lounging in the library with a cup of
>"What did you look like, your original third self?"
NUMBER ONE: (Romana) Hmmm... Let me put it this way: if you
were to somehow breed Racquel Welch with Jessica Simpson and
Salma Hayek... you would make a tremendous amount of money
selling videos of the act.
>"I don't think you would have liked her at all, really."
DOUG: (Doctor) And that would be different from now _how_?
>"Perhaps not, but it would have been interesting..."
>"Oh stop it!" Romana giggled madly, slapping the Doctor's arm,
NYSSA: I always knew Romana was just an old slapper...
MUTSUMI: (Doctor, as Michael Palin) Come and see the violence
inherent in the system!
>and the TARDIS spun off towards its next destination, one that
>was going to be a happier one this time, or so they hoped.
HELEN: They're going to the Planet of Open-Minded Bisexual
Nymphomaniac Stewardesses in Heat?
DOUG: No, the destination is... THE END! The happiest
[The lights come back on and ALL get up and leave the theater.]
[Door sequence: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...]
[SOL bridge interior]
[The furniture-laager has been smashed apart. On one side of the
wreckage NUMBER ONE is yelling and brandishing her bat, while
being restrained by MUTSUMI. On the other side DOUG is yelling
and waving his broom, while being held back by HELEN.]
NUMBER ONE: (yelling) Let me bash him! He's the Commie alien,
I tell you! Y'all heard him with your own ears, saying something
semi-non-derogatory about Lenin!
DOUG: (yelling) Shut up! I was talking about liking _lemons_, not
Lenin! The only reason you're accusing _me_ is that _you're_ the
alien shapeshifter! I know you killed off the real Number One and
are just trying to impersonate her! You think I didn't see you using
your _left_ hand a moment ago?!
MUTSUMI: (to NUMBER ONE) He really did say 'lemon', not
HELEN: (to DOUG) I'm pretty sure the hillbilly has always been
NUMBER ONE: (yelling) _He's_ the alien!
DOUG: (yelling) _She's_ the alien!
[NYSSA enters from the left.]
NYSSA: _I'm_ an alien and I'm telling you to shut up!
[The commotion dies down.]
NYSSA: [holds up device] According to my scanner, the
unknown creature is no longer attached to any of us...
NYSSA: However, it _is_ out in the main corridor and heading this
way at a high rate of speed.
[Pandemonium ensues as DOUG starts frantically rebuilding his
barricade, HELEN attempts to put on a titanium chastity belt,
NUMBER ONE rushes to guard the door, and MUTSUMI takes out
her snipe bag. NYSSA watches her scanner.]
NYSSA: The creature is five meters away... four... three...
[NUMBER ONE hefts her nail-studded bat for a crushing blow.]
NYSSA: Two meters...
DOUG: (panicky) No way! That's _inside_ the room!
NYSSA: One meter...
[NYSSA freezes, then slowly looks upwards. The OTHERS do the
same. Something rattles in the ceiling.]
DOUG: Oh sh--
[A light fixture pops out of the ceiling and a yellow-green
_something_ streaks into the room, flying too fast to be seen
clearly. NUMBER ONE attempts to swing her bat at it, but one of
the nails catches her sports bra and rips it off her, leaving her
topless. HELEN snaps her whip toward the blur, but the chastity
belt around her knees trips her and she ends up lashing the
scanner out of NYSSA's hand as she falls. DOUG dives to the floor
as the creature flashes past him and straight into MUTSUMI's
MUTSUMI: Yay! I got it, I got it!
[DOUG and HELEN climb to their feet, while NYSSA sucks at a
whip-welt on her hand and NUMBER ONE tries to cover her
breasts with one hand while still holding her bat in the other.
MUTSUMI peeks inside her snipe bag then, before anyone can
stop her, dumps it out on the console. A small, yellowish turtle
falls out, then waves a flipper at MUTSUMI.]
MUTSUMI: Tama-chan! I was wondering where you'd gotten off
to! (worriedly) But you'd better clear out of here. There's some
kind of alien reptile headed this way!
[The OTHERS facefault to the deck.]
NYSSA: I think we can call off the state of emergency. Looks like
the invasion has been cancelled.
NUMBER ONE: Let me whup it! Everybody knows turtles are
notorious Maoists! OWW!!
[HELEN smacks NUMBER ONE upside the head with her titanium
DOUG: Wait a minute. If that's a turtle, why was it _flying_?!
MUTSUMI: (to DOUG) Because it's faster than walking, of course.
DOUG: (to MUTSUMI) But turtles can't fly!
[The turtle extends it flippers and jumps off the edge of the
console, gliding through the air in a tight circle around MUTSUMI.
MUTSUMI takes off her safari hat and the turtle flies up to rest
quite contentedly on top of her head. She puts the hat back on,
concealing her pet from view.]
DOUG: Uh... yeah...
HELEN: I should be surprised, but I'm not. [shakes head] So, that
little bit of flying soup-stock isn't dangerous or anything, is it?
MUTSUMI: Oh, goodness no! Tama-chan is a flying hot-springs
turtle. They make wonderful pets, being very intelligent and self-
sufficient. (to NUMBER ONE) They also tend to be Hayek-
influenced free market libertarians. It's terrapins that are hung up
on central economic planning.
[A light on the console begins to flash.]
NYSSA: Yes, whatever. It's time to check in with Wheelie and the
Chopper Bunch. [presses light]
[TEGAN stands at the console, looking smug, while beside her,
NEGA-ONE stands nervously in a camouflage-pattern t-shirt and
boxer shorts, with a blue metal wastebasket on his head with the
United Nations logo crudely drawn on the side.]
TEGAN: Well, Teen Girl Squad and Sci-Fi Greg, I finally got a UN
peacekeeping force here, so you'd best watch your step. One
false move, and the non-binding resolutions will fly fast and
NUMBER ONE: That's not a UN trooper, it's my stupid wussy
NEGA-ONE: (timidly) I am _so_ a UN peacekeeper! I have a blue
helmet and everything! So... don't be bad... or else I'll... do...
NUMBER ONE: Shut your face, before I come down there and rip
your nutsack off.
NEGA-ONE: [panics] Help! They're being mean to me! It's too
scary! Aaaaah! [throws 'helmet' aside and runs off to the right,
NUMBER ONE: Okay, maybe he _is_ a UN peacekeeper.
NYSSA: Anyway, Tegan, you will be smugly happy to know that
Operation Get the Alien Life Form and Experiment On It has been
cancelled due to lack of an alien life form to get and experiment on.
TEGAN: Ah. Glad to know that my thwarting worked so well.
And on that subject, how did you find the Fanfic... of Death?
[NEGA-ONE, still screaming and panicking, runs on from the
right and presses the tapedeck for the obligatory dun-dun-
DUUUUN pipe-organ sting, then runs back off.]
NYSSA: It hurt. I have to give you that, Tegan. You managed to
hurt me with this one, when I was sure that you couldn't. Part of
me admires you for that. But the rest of me wants to stick a running
hedge trimmer down your pants.
HELEN: I'm normally a lover, not a fighter, but there was not one
character in this story that I wouldn't love to beat senseless with a
canoe paddle. Except that that would be redundant, since none of
them seemed to have any sense to begin with.
DOUG: Fanwanky continuity references? Check. Uneven pacing?
Check. Disconnected plot points? Check. Cliched antagonist?
Check. Terrible-to-nonexistent characterization? Check. Clumsy
and awkward language? Check. As far as appearing to confirm a
stereotype goes, this story does for fan fiction what Buckwheat
and Stymie did for black people in the 1940s.
MUTSUMI: Oh dear, I think I'll have to disagree a little.
[The OTHERS turn to stare at MUTSUMI.]
MUTSUMI: I think the awkward sentence structure and ludicrous
occurances should be seen as a boon. To my mind, they helped to
mask and distract from what was actually _happening_ in the story.
In other words, if you have to look at a picture of an ugly person,
it helps if it is out of focus.
NUMBER ONE: My head hurts and my tits are getting cold.
TEGAN: [taking notes] Uh-huh... Got it. Your input is noted and
the Tegan World Order moves that much closer to global
revolution. Now, I know Adric has his own way of ending this
little show every week, but since I oppose everything that he
stands for, you won't get that from me. We have to liberate
ourselves from tradition, not chain ourselves to it--
NUMBER ONE: (annoyed) Is this rant going to take long? I was
serious about my tits getting cold.
NYSSA: I guess it's back to my original biomorphing project, then.
HELEN: (to NYSSA) Yes?
[NYSSA throws a handful of powder into HELEN's face.]
HELEN: What was that for?! [sneezes]
[HELEN sneezes again. As she does so, a pair of white bunny-ears
sprout from her head. Another sneeze, and a puffy white tail
appears on her rump.]
HELEN: (shouting) Nyssa, what have you done to me?!
NYSSA: [shrugs] Made some improvements? Aheh. Uh-oh.
[HELEN lunges at NYSSA, who flees off-stage to the left, with
HELEN in hot pursuit.]
DOUG: (to MUTSUMI) I wonder what your turtle did with all the
things it stole?
MUTSUMI: (to DOUG) She didn't mean any harm. I'm sure Tama-
chan will bring them back when she's done with them.
NYSSA: (off-screen) It's for _science_, Helen! Tell me, how do
HELEN: (off-screen) Like strangling you if you don't get these
ears off me!
TEGAN: --and so, in that vein, I do _not_ intend to close this
program in the expected way, by saying, "Push the button , Nega-
One," and then--
[NEGA-ONE runs in from the right, still screaming, and presses a
large and conspicuous button on the console, whereupon the
screen goes black.]
>The Doctor pointed the torch at the fireplace and saw that the fire
>was no longer burning
In the dark, cramped spaces between the Satellite's bulkhead plates,
where the conduits and piping ran, a drop of slime fell from the nest
bundled snugly against the hot water line. In that dark and fetid
nest lay a single gangly shape, somewhat insectoid, somewhat
reptilian, and entirely nightmarish, a mass of claws, mandibles, and
armor, about a foot long. A knowledgable observer might have
identified it as a xenomorph, an immature specimen of a voracious
predatory species that had plagued many a world. This particular
specimen lay quite thoroughly dead in its nest, a fine paring knife
from Luxembourg lodged in its skull. A similar corpse lay a few feet
away, a tiny silver chain wrapped tightly around its crushed neck.
Not much further along was a pile of charred exoskeleton in a drift
of ash, the smell of butane strong about it. Had our hypothetical
knowledgable observer seen all this, he would have noticed
something else, too: turtle tracks leading to and from the scene...