"It's here! It's here!"
"Quick, Harry! Let me see it!" Adric dashed to the door of his
secret laboratory to meet his co-worker. Actually, the lab wasn't
really secret, since it was just a back storage room at This Time
Round. Nor, for that matter, was it really a lab. More like a high-
tech control room not unlike what you would find in an American
public-TV station, but smaller. However, saying that Adric dashed
to the door of his storage-room-in-a-pub-turned-control-center
sounds a bit lame, and besides, Adric had been watching 'Dexter's
Laboratory' on Cartoon Network and was in that kind of frame of
Harry handed the large envelope to Adric and smiled happily, as
he generally did. Harry smiled about most things, whether he was
kissing a pretty girl, cleaning up the bar, or simply helping inflict
aesthetic torment on a group of maniacs imprisoned in orbit.
Adric tore into the envelope with nervous eagerness and pulled
out a sheaf of papers. He scanned each page as he rifled through
them, at last finding the one he wanted. When he finally looked
up, the smile on his face would have put Harry's best to shame.
"We did it! Look at these numbers!" Adric thrust the page out
and Harry politely took a look, though the numbers meant nothing
"I take it that we did well, Old Boy?" Harry asked.
"Ha!" Adric exclaimed, a look of triumph on his face. "We did
better than well. We're third in the ratings for that time-slot! Do
you know how rare that is for a cable-syndicated program on its
"Pretty rare, I suppose," replied Harry, beaming. He still wasn't
sure what was going on with all this, but he was glad that Adric's
new hobby seemed to be going so well. Hobbies were good for
"Where's Francois?" the Alzarian asked. "He's part of this, too.
He'll want to see it."
Harry's smile changed from glowingly happy to slightly thought-
ful as he replied. "Odd that you mention him. He's been in the
men's room for quite a while, now. He said something about
"It's here! It's here!'
"Quick, Nyssa! Let me see it!" Doug dashed over to the mini-
transmat platform where his fellow-prisoner stood with a small
parcel in her hand. The Trakenite had been working with the
transmat circuits all afternoon long, trying to get the device oper-
ational again. This could be their ticket to survival. Not that they
could use it to escape. The mini-transmat couldn't handle any-
thing much larger than a toaster, but coupled with the other
devices they'd found, it could make their lives much easier.
Diane arrived seconds later, followed by Number One. All three
watched breathlessly as Nyssa reverently tore open the package
and extracted a set of black plastic rectangles. There was a
moment of silence as four pairs of eyes widened and four mouths
stretched into triumphant grins.
The silence was at last broken as Nyssa clasped the objects to her
chest and began to call out orders.
"Doug, you get the drinks. Diane, the pillows. Number One, you
handle the popcorn and nachos. _I'll_ fire up the VCR..."
"Well, we can't wait all day for Francois," Adric said, tapping his
foot impatiently. "We'll just have to go on without him." The
Alzarian cracked his knuckles and rubbed his hands together in
eager anticipation as he strode over to one of the control panels.
"Let's give our unwitting stars a call, shall we..."
TO DIE FOR: MYSTERY PSYCHO THEATER 3000
[cue Theme Song]
~o In the not-too-distant future
Not too far from This Time Round
There was a girl named Nyssa whose
Sanity was not-quite-sound.
She and some others used to fuss and fight
And destroy the pub almost every night.
So the staff and patrons of that place
Used Borusa's Time-Scoop to stick them up in spaaaaace...
"You'll regret this!!"
"We'll send them crappy fiction
The worst we can find. (la-la-laaa)
They'll have to sit and read them all
To drive the violence from their minds." (la-la-laaa)
Now keep in mind only Adric controls
When the session begins or is through
As he tries to force some sense into
This completely unhinged crew.
PSYCHO ROLL CALL!
NYSSA! ("What, me sadistic?")
DOUG! ("I'm the cool one!")
NUMBER ONE! ("Got a light?")
DIAAAAANE! ("Look, but don't touch.")
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe
And other science facts,
Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a 'fic.
I should really just relax."
'Cause it's Mystery Psycho Theater 3000!
[Interior bridge of the Satellite of Love]
[The bridge is a bit cluttered. Pillows and blankets are strewn all
about, and a TV and VCR sit on the console in the foreground.
Lounging around in various states of disarray are NYSSA (a very
petite and beautiful girl in her late teens, with curly brown hair
and wearing shorts and a tank-top), DOUG (a tall, lanky man
with his hair in a short ponytail and wearing camouflage pants
and a 'US Army' T-shirt), DIANE (a pretty blonde woman dressed
similarly to DOUG), and NUMBER ONE (a short, dark man in
jean shorts, a sleeveless 'UNA Lions' T-shirt, and sunglasses). All
have their attention firmly fixed on the TV in front of them, from
which the sounds of non-stop gunfire can be heard.]
[After a few moments, a light on the console begins to flash. For
a while, none of the four notice, until NYSSA happens to glance
at it while reaching for a plate of nachos.]
NYSSA: [still watching TV] Winken, Blinken, and Nod are
calling. Hey, Diane. You mind getting that?
[DIANE reaches for the light, without taking her eyes off the TV.
Just as she hits it, a particularly loud blast comes from the TV and
all four wince.]
DOUG: [watching TV] Oooh... That'll leave a mark...
[Interior back room at This Time Round]
[Various large electronic devices are clustered around the walls,
as are a few boxes of coasters, mugs, and other pub-related items.
Standing together behind the control console are ADRIC (a
stocky, black-haired teenager wearing an ugly green-and-yellow
outfit with a gold star pinned to the chest pocket) and HARRY (a
handsome, curly-haired man in his thirties wearing a barman's
apron). ADRIC is holding a bundle of papers, and both are smil-
ADRIC: Good evening to you, my Fab Four!
HARRY: [waves] Hullo, all!
[All four are still engrossed in the TV. No one even looks up.]
NYSSA: [twitches one hand toward the screen]
ADRIC: I have some wonderful news for you all! I-- Hey! Are
you even listening to me?
[Everyone is still fixated on the TV, from which the gunfire is
becoming more furious every second.]
DOUG: (absently) Uh-huh...
NUMBER ONE: Whoa! [points at TV] Did you see that move
with the shotgun?
NYSSA: [nods enthusiastically] Chow Yun Fat is _God_...
[ADRIC looks very annoyed for a moment, then rummages
around under the console. When he pops back up, he has a
remote control in his hand. He points it deliberately at the screen
and presses a button.]
[The TV turns itself off and ALL look up, annoyed, at the screen.]
NYSSA: Hey! What'd you do that for?
DIANE: Yeah! That was the best part!
ADRIC: Because you weren't paying me any attention! I've got
some _very_ important news for you all. What were you lot
DOUG: John Woo's 'Hard-Boiled', with Chow Yun Fat.
HARRY: That's one of those Chinese dishes with egg and fish,
DOUG: Not _exactly_. Anyway, we found a video rental place
that delivers by transmat. We've also got 'Army of Darkness' and
'The Outlaw Josey Wales'.
ADRIC: Egad! All that killing and mayhem will set back your
therapy by... [appears to do some calculations in his head] by a
Hell of a long way. Which means you'll just have to stay up there
that much longer. [shrugs] That's your affair, not mine.
NYSSA: [rolls her eyes] Great.
DIANE: (to NYSSA) Well, at least we talked him out of that
ADRIC: Anyway, I have some important news that I think will
cheer you up...
DOUG: (hopefully) You're letting us go?
DIANE: (a bit less hopefully) You're not going to make us read
bad fan fiction anymore?
ADRIC: Mmmmm... No. Try again.
NUMBER ONE: You're going to send us some _good_ fan fiction
once in awhile?
NYSSA: (irritatedly) Will you just tell us, already?
ADRIC: Aww... spoilsport! Oh well. The news is that I've been
secretly filming your little hijinks up there and have sold the
broadcast rights to a major cable network! Not only are you lot on
television, but the show is a big hit so far!
HARRY: (brightly) You'll all be so jolly famous!
ADRIC: Yes! According to the ratings, the premiere episode was
a solid number three in the rankings. You even beat out the rerun
[All four look stunned.]
DOUG: (weakly) We're... on TV?
[ALL smile nervously at the screen, then look at each other.]
ALL: Aheh heh... heh heh heh... heh... AAAAHHHH!!
[ALL begin frantically rushing about, combing their hair, straight-
ening their clothes, and throwing aside pillows, food, etc.
NUMBER ONE trips during the chaos, and knocks a glass of
iced tea onto himself. He instantly turns into a pretty, buxom,
NUMBER ONE (FEMALE): Great... in front of millions of
ADRIC: And look at this! The show's already gotten some mail!
Like this letter from a Mr. Chris C...
[reads] "Love the show! Totally hilarious! But, it needs more
sex..." Umm... [shuffles to another page] or this one...
[reads] "We only got to see a few minutes of the show, but we
liked it! It is good to see Nyssa on TV again, and that red-headed
chick was _hot_!" And this was from... Darren, Eric, Tyson, and
[The chaos has stopped, and the four all stand around the console.
The TV and VCR are nowhere to be seen. NUMBER ONE is still
female and is writing on a small pad.]
NUMBER ONE (F): Note to self: Kill WANKERs at first oppor-
tunity. [pauses] _Painfully_.
ADRIC: [still reading] Oh! Here's one from Mrs. Pearl F., and it
says, "My attorneys will be in touch with you regarding possible
copyright... infringements..." [looks up] Aheh heh. Oh dear.
[FRANCOIS the Ogron enters from the left. He is wearing a
cheap suit that looks as if he is about to burst out of it, and has
a spit-curl in the middle of his sloping forehead.]
ADRIC: (to FRANCOIS) Francois! What... What _are_ you
supposed to be?
FRANCOIS: [puffs out his chest, causing his jacket to rip] TV's
ADRIC: Ah... right.
[NUMBER ONE (F) has found a cup of hot tea that didn't get
thrown off-screen and is pouring it on herself. She turns back
into a male.]
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE) Welcome back, RuPaul.
NUMBER ONE: (to DOUG) Bite me.
ADRIC: So, anyway, just go about your business normally. Or,
as normally as you can with thirty million people watching your
every move! Your fanfic for today is by an author whose name
sounds a bit like John Woo's, but is otherwise his polar opposite
in every way. It's called 'Birthright of a Time Lord', and is the
fanfic equivalent of a visit with Phil Donahue. No plot. No
action. Just people expressing their feelings in comfortable
settings. Oh, and it stars everyone's favorite Trakenite...
DOUG: Who? Kassia? Tremas? Luvic?
DIANE: Kotura? Neman? That old guy who gets killed at the
beginning of 'Keeper of Traken'?
NYSSA: (to DOUG and DIANE) Ha-bloody-ha-ha...
ADRIC: Good luck! Heh heh! You'll _need_ it! Send them the
[FRANCOIS simply stands there, arms folded and toe tapping.
ADRIC looks at him peculiarly for a moment, then HARRY
whispers something in his ear.]
ADRIC: Oh, right. Ahem. Send them the fanfic, _TV's_ Fran-
TV's FRANCOIS: [grins] Okey-dokey.
[TV's FRANCOIS steps forward and pushes a prominent button
on the console.]
[Various alarms, lights, and sirens go off as general chaos ensues.]
ALL: Aaaaah! We've got fanfic sign!
[ALL run off.]
[Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]
[SOL, Theater interior]
[The four enter the theater from a door on the right, all carrying
popcorn and drinks. NYSSA takes the aisle seat, with NUMBER
ONE on her left, DOUG on the other side of him, and DIANE to
DIANE: Why is it, that with this whole big theater to sit in, we
all bunch together like this?
NYSSA: So we can do _this_ when we need to. [whaps NUMBER
ONE on the head]
NUMBER ONE: (to NYSSA) Ow! Why'd you do that?
NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE) I've no doubt you'll earn a good
whapping before this is over.
DOUG: It's starting...
[A screen in front of the four lights up and words begin to appear
NYSSA: (singing) ...So I'm headin' out to the highway/I got
nothing to lose at a-a-all...
NUMBER ONE: (to NYSSA) _You're_ a Judas Priest fan?
NYSSA: Oh, yes!
[NYSSA holds up her fist and begins thrashing her head back and
NYSSA: (singing) Breakin' the law/Breakin' the law...!
NUMBER ONE: Umm... cool.
> This is the FIRST episode in a series.
ALL: (flatly) Oh, joy.
> Please address comments or
> requests for further information or the previous episodes to:
DOUG: Previous? But, this is the first. How can there be
DIANE: [shrugs] Ask George Lucas...
> email@example.com (or) firstname.lastname@example.org
NUMBER ONE: (indignantly) 'Dot-gov'? You mean my tax dollars funded this?
That's it! From now on, I vote Libertarian!
DIANE: Maybe this was part of an NEA grant?
DOUG: No. If this was a National Endowment for the Arts pro-
ject, we'd be watching some naked guy give a sheep an enema,
symbolizing the need for more funding for methadone clinics, or
> -- David E. Woon -- Molecular Science Research Center -- >PNL --
DOUG: Person Needing a Life?
NYSSA: Plot Noticeably Lacking?
DIANE: Presenting Nonsense Ludicrously?
NUMBER ONE: Pretty Naked Ladies?
OTHERS: [stare at NUMBER ONE]
NUMBER ONE: [shrugs] A guy can dream, can't he?
> -- Alumnus of Michigan Tech University --
DOUG: ...where he received a Bachelor's Degree in 'Being an
On-Strike GM Employee'.
NUMBER ONE: Morse code for the sound a man makes when he
catches his... manhood... in his zipper.
NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE) Huh?
NUMBER ONE: "Ooooooooooo...!"
NYSSA: (dubiously) If you say so...
> BIRTHRIGHT OF A TIME LORD
DIANE: A TARDIS and the sex drive of concrete aggregate.
> by David E. Woon
>What happened to Nyssa in the years since she parted ways with
>the fifth Doctor? What sort of person has she become and how
>has her life unfolded?
NYSSA: Hey! Mind your own business, buddy!
>Nyssa of Traken travelled with the fourth and fifth Doctors and
>in the process developed from a brilliant young girl to a mature
>and capable young woman.
NUMBER ONE: You forgot 'drop-dead gorgeous'.
NYSSA: [blushes] Aww... That is _so_ sweet of you!
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE) Suck-up...
> It is reasonable to expect that the strength of her
>leadership would have been largely responsible for the success of
>transforming Terminus from a destination of certain death to a
>true center of healing.
DIANE: It is also reasonable to expect that the homicidal little
minx was just getting into it so she could watch people die by the
NYSSA: (to DIANE, indignantly) Hey! That's not... not...
>The years have not passed easily: the Company was not pleased
>to lose control of its Terminus workers, but an agreement was
>eventually worked out whereby
DOUG: ...Nyssa had to work in her underwear in exchange for
a degree of local autonomy.
NYSSA: (to DOUG) How did you know about the Knickers
>people were still sent to Terminus for treatment and some of
>the income was allotted for improvement of conditions on >Terminus.
NUMBER ONE: Such as the hiring of a competent interior deco-
rator and the installation of 'Vibro-matic' beds.
>It was not too difficult once it became known that Lazars disease
>was, in fact,
DOUG: ...nothing more than advanced PMS.
> curable: it did wonders for public relations, although
DIANE: ...the real PR coup was the implementation of 'Topless
Tuesdays' for the female staff.
> many worlds are still caught up in the old fears and
NYSSA: Like Koshavaris IV, where it is considered bad luck for
the groom to catch fire on his wedding day.
> The biggest problem in the early years had not been any
>external conflict, but rather Nyssa's own zealous desire to
DOUG: ...take off her clothes at every opportunity.
NUMBER ONE: (to DOUG) And this is a bad thing?
NYSSA: Hey! [whaps NUMBER ONE on the head]
> make things work. She suffered
>from severe radiation exposure several times, and nearly died,
NYSSA: ...from boredom.
>but the Vanir have watched out for her and kept her safe.
>Nyssa is now nearly 30. In spite of the radiation, she is still
>youthful and beautiful.
NYSSA: Thanks. I wax myself every day.
>Though still the scientist at heart,
DIANE: ...Nyssa has devoted herself to her exotic dancing career.
>years of helping people and turning death into life have drawn
>her out, have helped to heal the wound caused by the murder of
>her father Tremas by the Master, which abruptly ended the last
>years of her simple childhood on Traken.
NYSSA: 'Simple childhood'? Brother, if you call learning
advanced bio-genetic engineering and cybernetics before the age
of puberty 'simple', I'd hate to see what you consider 'complex'!
>The change in Nyssa shows most often in her ever more frequent
DOUG: Which causes those who know her to flee the area as fast
>The approach of her 30th birthday is not, however, bringing joy >to her.
DIANE: She's going gray.
NYSSA: (horrified) I am _not_!
>Her contributions have brought Terminus nearly to the point of
NUMBER ONE: ...no return.
> Though a dedicated and capable leader, there
>are others more suited to administration and a number of
>excellent scientists have joined the medical staff.
NUMBER ONE: However, as the new scientists are mainly geo-
logists and astrophysicists, the cure rate remains abysmally low.
> Nyssa has begun to feel increasingly restless in the last several
DOUG: She should try one of those adjustable mattresses.
NUMBER ONE: (Rush Limbaugh) It's like sleeping on a cush-
ion of air!
>She is constantly reminded of her years travelling with the
>Doctor and realizes that it provided a healthy focus for her
>attentions which may have otherwise been drawn ever more
>inwardly by the tragedy.
NYSSA: Which is why I took up serial murder as a hobby. Boy,
is it a stress-reliever!
OTHERS: [slowly ease away from NYSSA]
>Nobody around her knows much about her or her past. She has
>not been able to be vulnerable about herself -- too much strength
>has been needed to keep things going. Even now that things
>have become easier, she still can't talk much about herself.
NUMBER ONE: (Nyssa) Hi! I'm Nyssa of Traken. I'm 28 years
old, five-foot-one, and weigh 93 pounds.
DOUG: (Nyssa) My measurements are 34-21-33. I have brown
hair and green eyes.
DIANE: (Nyssa) My hobbies include bio-cybernetics, immun-
ology, genetic engineering, and killing things.
NYSSA: My turn-ons are long walks in the sunset, candlelight
dinners, and men who aren't afraid to bleed.
>Setting Terminus to rights has done much for her, but there are
>secret moments of great pain,
NYSSA: Like when I remember paying good money to see
DIANE: (sympathetically, to NYSSA) Oh! You poor thing!
> and she comes back to them more and more often.
>She wonders inside if she will ever be free of it, doesn't want to
>be, yet doesn't want to lose the courage Terminus has given back
NUMBER ONE: (confused) Do what?
DOUG: (confused) Good question...
DIANE: He means that she... No, wait. He means she wants to
forget, but doesn't... Umm... Hold on. I'll parse this in a minute...
>But it is no longer sufficient.
NYSSA: That's why I took up juggling!
DOUG: This fanfic just flatlined...
>SCENE 1: Terminus station, a late hour, Nyssa's private
>(Nyssa works at a desk against one wall. She is writing in a
>diary. As she reviews what she has written, we hear her
DIANE: (Nyssa's thoughts) Dear diary. Today is the day! The
streets shall run red with the blood of the unbelievers! All shall
perish in a beautiful holocaust of steel and lead! Oh, and the new
boy at school was making goo-goo eyes at me in fourth period
NUMBER ONE: (to DIANE) You do that a bit _too_ well...
>N. Nearly eight years have passed since I came to Terminus
>with the Doctor. So much has happened. For many years, there
>was no time
NUMBER ONE: ...for personal hygiene, resulting in the whole
station smelling like a bunch of Frenchmen.
> to think about passing events, but now I have time to look
NYSSA: And wonder, 'What the Hell was I thinking, moving to
a _leper colony_? Geez...'
> We have come so far in this time: from living always on the
>edge of death with death all around
DOUG: Nyssa's turned into a Goth poet.
NUMBER ONE: (Goth poet) Living always on the edge of death/
With death all around/Wearing black and slouching around coffee-
houses/Writing morbid, self-pitying tracts that don't rhyme/With
death all around/Putting on makeup to frighten little kids/Living
in my parents' basement at 25/With death all around
>to now, a time of consolidation
DIANE: That means middle-management's going to get down-
> where we know some security. If I were to leave now,
>Terminus would continue to improve without me.
NUMBER ONE: (singing) If I leave here tomorrow/Would you
continue to improve without me?
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE) Ugh. Ronnie van Zandt, you are
>(She closes the diary and places it in a drawer in the desk, then
>arises and crosses to a chest of drawers.)
DIANE: (Butt-head) Huhuhhuhh huhhuhuhhuh... He said
>(She opens a drawer and unburies a deeply hidden locket and
>sits on the edge of a chair. She holds the locket clenched tightly
>in both fists for several moments, looking away, looking blank,
NYSSA: I forgot my lines. I _hate_ when that happens.
>and then opens it.
> It shows images of the past. It flickers to the Doctor, Tegan, >Adric,
NYSSA: ...Face, B. A., Murdoch, Hannibal...
DOUG: ...Balin, Dwalin, Fili, Kili...
DIANE: ...Peter, Davey, Mickey, Mike...
NUMBER ONE: ...Pixie, Dixie, Mr. Jinx...
> and events which have gone before. Her expression, lips
DOUG: (Nyssa) Must... not... blow chunks...
DIANE: (to NYSSA) You know, if you'd pluck them once in a
while, you wouldn't have that problem.
> betrays her feelings for a moment only. Then the
> image becomes that of her father. Unaware, she slowly closes
NYSSA: ...around the author's windpipe and _squeeeeeezzzes_...
> around the locket and stares nowhere. Only a quiet, ocassional
> quivering at the corners of her mouth shows what is passing in
NUMBER ONE: (Nyssa, thinking) Damn. I've got to do _some-
thing_ about these facial spasms...
> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
DIANE: Must be a passing-zone.
ALL: Electric Boogaloo!
>having left behind the world of Origamia
ALL: [stare disbelievingly at the screen]
DOUG: (amazedly) 'Origamia'?
NUMBER ONE: 'Origamia'? Let me guess: It's inhabited by a
race of evil, militaristic paper swans, who the Doctor defeated
with the 'Zippo of Rassilon'.
DIANE: Maybe it's a misprint of 'Orgasmia'?
NYSSA: Now _that_ would be an interesting planet! Men could
only visit once every so often, but women could come as often as
[NYSSA and DIANE laugh uproariously at this, and after a mom-
ent's thought, NUMBER ONE joins them. DOUG scowls.]
>in the previous story (for the sake of context): in the TARDIS,
>the Doctor and current companion, who is leaving to return to
>her home world
DOUG: 'Current companion'? Could you make the characteriz-
ation just a _bit_ more vague?
DIANE: Perhaps it's Random Companion's sister...
>C. It's hard to say good-bye, Doctor.
NUMBER ONE: (companion) Especially since you cut out my
> I'd stay forever, but it wouldn't work, would it?
NYSSA: (companion) I'm a Pisces and you're a Taurus.
NUMBER ONE: A Taurus? I always thought he was full of bull...
>Someday I'll die, and it can't be here,
DOUG: At which point the Doctor says, "Wanna bet?" and pulls
out an Uzi.
> not with you. I don't know which would hurt more: dying and
>not being able to live on with you, wondering if you'll ever get
DIANE: (companion) ...those stains out of your sheets.
>quite where you aim to go, or leaving you behind, knowing that
NYSSA: (companion) ...you will party like a madman as soon as
I hit the door.
>it will hurt you too. Leaving now is sort of like dying already.
NUMBER ONE: (companion) Specifically, it's like dying of ter-
minal jock itch.
>How do you keep going on when so many have said good-bye?
NYSSA: (Doctor) In a word: booze.
>D. I tell myself, "Now don't get all maudlin --
DIANE: Reginald Maudlin?
DOUG: (Eric Idle) ...Number Twenty-three: Reginald Maudlin's
> it's part of what you've taken on by living life the way you do."
>C. Do you ever think about looking up old friends?
NUMBER ONE: (Doctor) Sure. Especially when they are on
>How many people do you remember after 900 years?
DOUG: (Doctor) Only the ones I really like. Umm, what was
your name, again?
>D. Most of them, good or bad. Sometimes I think about
>stopping by to visit someone. Mostly, I charge off into the
>unknown, in search of new beginnings.
NYSSA: (Doctor) And to escape from collection agents.
>C. I guess this is good-bye.
>D. Yes. Good-bye C. You will always travel with me, you
>(He taps his head and then his chest with a finger.)
DIANE: (flatly) My. How touching.
NUMBER ONE: [sniffles] I can't believe he'd just write C. out of
the series like that. She made 'Doctor Who' what it was! Current
Companion was the perfect foil for the Doctor. What will we do
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE) Relax. I hear the BBC brought
Current Companion back for their Eighth Doctor Adventures,
only they're calling her 'Sam Jones', now.
> - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
NYSSA: Ants in a funeral procession...
>SCENE 3: the Doctor, alone in the TARDIS
>(This can be done a number of ways, with various clips of silent
>action. The idea is to show what the Doctor does to busy himself
>when he travels alone.
ALL: [chuckle knowingly]
> Vignettes may include tinkering with various TARDIS
> parts, reading, even eating and resting.
DIANE: Blowing up his 'Inflatable Rani'.
NUMBER ONE: Making bongs out of old Dalek eyestalks.
NYSSA: Writing love letters to Jodie Foster.
DOUG: Waiting for Godot.
OTHERS: (to DOUG) Huh?
DOUG: [shrugs] _Somebody_ needs to have a little class, here.
> We just want to get at the other parts of his life a little bit, to
>build a context for introducing the Amalgam.)
NUMBER ONE: 'Amalgam'? Wasn't that a Genesis song?
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE) You're thinking of 'Abacab'. 'Am-
algam' is one of those religious militias over in Lebanon.
NYSSA: Actually, an amalgam is an alloy of Mercury, often
used in making dental fillings.
DIANE: (to NYSSA) Thanks. That clears things up not a bit.
>(The Amalgam is a new facet of the relationship between the
> Doctor and the TARDIS.
DIANE: (Eddie Murphy) Doctor gonna have relations! Doctor
gonna have relations!
> In the era of John Pertwee we learned that
NUMBER ONE: ...there's no such thing as 'too much velvet'.
NYSSA: Hear, hear!
>the TARDIS is sentient in itself, actually alive. In "The Two
>Doctors" we are told
DOUG: ...the story of two star-crossed lovers.
NYSSA: Eeewwww... A 2nd Doctor/6th Doctor slash story?
NUMBER ONE: Kind of brings new meaning to the word 'pa-
radox', don't it?
OTHERS: [throw popcorn at NUMBER ONE]
> of the symbiosis between Time Lord and TARDIS. The final
>element is the automatic log,
DIANE: ...which makes a beaver's life ever so much easier.
>the means by which the TARDIS records events which
> the Doctor experiences and relays them into the Matrix (to a
DOUG: 'Les'-er? As in 'lesbian'? (to NUMBER ONE) Yo!
Gender-bender! He's talking about you.
NUMBER ONE: (snarling, to DOUG) Shut up!
> extent, the experiences of companions or other Time Lords are
>also recorded); some of this was mentioned in "Trial of a Time
>Lord." Out of all this comes the concept of
DIANE: ...free love.
DOUG: ...Manichaean Heresy.
NUMBER ONE: ...the four-door sports car.
> a projection of the TARDIS which takes on the appearance of a
>human form. It is comprised of elements from the personalities
>of the Doctor and of everyone who has ever travelled with the
NUMBER ONE: ...but mainly Tegan, which is why the Doctor
invented the 'Amalgam Mute Button'.
NYSSA: [giggles and nods]
> and can even resemble specific people under certain
>circumstances. It is alive, but dependent on the TARDIS.)
DOUG: So, this thing has no personality of its own and is utterly
incapable of an independent existence? That's not new. That's a
>(The Amalgam is someone to talk to and to pass the time with.
>No companion can ever see it or be aware of its existence: the
>Amalgam is one of the few secrets which every Time Lord holds
>sancrosanct, without exception.
NUMBER ONE: Much like the plot of this story. No reader can
see it or be aware of its existence. The author is holding it secret
from us, without exception.
>[I suspect that it is also the only thing which keeps true
> renegades such as the Master from completely losing their
>humanity and identity as Time Lords to total megalomania, but
>that is only conjecture at this point.]
NYSSA: (indignantly) 'Suspect'? 'Conjecture'? You're the one
who came up with this crap! You should know whether it's true
DIANE: _Somebody's_ getting a little too worked-up...
NUMBER ONE: (to NYSSA) Remember: Stay frosty. If you
lose it in here, that's a score for Adric.
NYSSA: [breathes deeply] I'm okay, now...
>There is a spirit of art about the Amalgam,
DOUG: Specifically, it reminds people of a velvet matador pain-
> because it samples life, swirls together thoughts, ideas,
>knowledge, and experience.)
DIANE: Hmmmm... Imagine if something like that combined all
_our_ thoughts, and ideas, and such into one being...
>(It is introduced here to help show the Doctor's way of seeing
>things, and perhaps to explain why he acts the way he does --
DOUG: What, you mean 'woodenly'?
> the Amalgam is an individual, and it reflects the flavor of the
>events through which it passes.
NUMBER ONE: (lecherously) If the flavor's whipped cream, I'd
like to pass through that event, too!
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE) You mean, with the Doctor?
NUMBER ONE: (to DOUG) No.
DOUG: Just checking...
>If a Time Lord wants his or her Amalgam to be hopeful and
> good, he strives to encounter events and to meet people who will
> reinforce that.
NYSSA: Or, he can just have it watch tapes of 'Oh! My
DIANE: Yeah! Belldandy could make _anybody_ into a paragon
of wholesome goodness! Even the Master!
DOUG: Yeah! Even Davros!
NYSSA: Even the Valeyard!
NUMBER ONE: Even James Carville?
ALL: [think for a moment, then shake their heads] Nah!
> But it still remembers the bad with the good
DOUG: What about the ugly?
DIANE: He's always got the mirror for that.
NUMBER ONE: (to DIANE) Hey! That was mean, cruel, heart-
less, and totally uncalled-for! Good job!
>[vice versa with the Master] and is not just a complex parallel to
>a photo album of pleasant, sentimental memories.)
NUMBER ONE: Whew! Good thing you cleared that up. I was
_this_ close to thinking that that's what it was...
>(The Doctor, in the midst of his routine, looks up to see a figure
> standing near the TARDIS control panel.
DIANE: The Doctor hurriedly zips his pants, shouting, "I thought
I told you to _knock_ first!"
> It should be quite clear that this person hasn't entered the
>TARDIS the way a normal being would.)
DOUG: You mean bitching and whining?
NYSSA: (to DOUG) Now, now. We've already hit our quota of
>(The Amalgam, who does not resemble anyone in particular, is
>dressed in a simple, single-piece sort of clothing.)
NUMBER ONE: Hot-pink speedos with a gold lame' smiley-face
on the crotch. [pause] Ugh. I feel dirty for even _saying_ that...
>D. There you are! It's been so long that I thought you'd left me.
NYSSA: (Amalgam) I did! I just came back to collect the back-
alimony you owe me!
>A. Always the kidder.
ALL: (flatly) Ha... ha...
> It has been a long time though. I'd begun to wonder if you still
DOUG: (Doctor) Of course I remember you, umm... Thingamajig.
>(Unfortunately, this MUST have the appearance of a private
NUMBER ONE: Don't worry. It does.
>both fully realize, implicitly, that neither one is ever very far
>from the other.)
ALL: (singing) ...Near, far/Wherever you are...
>D. The years have been flying by incredibly fast,
NYSSA: Unlike this story.
> one adventure after another.
NYSSA: Again, unlike this story.
> Odd that the last twenty years have been such a contrast
> to the first 900.
DIANE: (Doctor) Of course, the fact that I was _sober_ for those
first 900 might have something to do with it.
>It used to be an occasional jaunt off to Mete-
> belis 3, a long stay on Renaissance Earth, a fleeting glimpse of
DOUG: (Doctor) ...a quick materialization in the girls' gym
> but always with years of study and thought in between.
NUMBER ONE: (Doctor) Or, sometimes just a few months
vegging-out in front of the TV.
>A. That's one of the benefits of being a Time Lord. There IS >time enough
to do almost anything.
NYSSA: Except for cleaning under the refrigerator. I mean, does
_anybody_ ever get around to sweeping under there?
>D. Another benefit is having an Amalgam to remind you of >everthing that's
gone before. Without you, I dare say
DOUG: (Doctor) ...I could probably have a lot more fun.
>my mind would hardly hold a fraction of what I've seen, perhaps
>no more than the average human life.
DIANE: (indignantly) What's this? A slam on humans?
NYSSA: (to OTHERS) Heh heh heh! Suffer, monkey-spawn!
>A. I've enjoyed your recent flurry of travels, and especially the
> constant stream of new people.
NUMBER ONE: (Amalgam) Of course, the _best_ trip was that
time we went to Planet Spandex...
>(Here is the first transformation, into Sarah Jane.)
>A. Remember me, Doctor? I never screamed much in my life
>until I met you, but it was fun all the same.
DOUG: (to OTHERS) Okay, this one's easy. Who wants it?
NUMBER ONE: (to DOUG) I'll take it. [clears throat] A
screamer? I always had Sarah pegged as a moaner...
>D. Sarah Jane! I should have taken you to Gallifrey with me.
> (Sarah Jane goes away and is replaced by the original actor.)
DIANE: Original actor? The Amalgam is played by Thespis?
>A. Even now, you know that Sarah wonders if she'll ever see
>D. You can't know that. You're only guessing.
>A. Well, yes.
NYSSA: (Amalgam) More like lying, if you want to get technical
> She was that sort of person, but I don't know for sure.
> I know that you agree with my speculation anyway.
DOUG: (Doctor) Actually, I'd rather you put the money in IRAs.
>D. Yes, of course, but I need to remind myself that speculation
>isn't the same as truth. It's nice to wonder, though.
NUMBER ONE: On the other hand, if you use Clintonite defin-
itions, speculation _can_ be the same as truth. So can outright
DIANE: (Bill Clinton) I did _not_ inhale...
DOUG: (Bill Clinton) I did _not_ have sex with that woman...
NYSSA: (Bill Clinton) I am _not_ plotting to sell the whole
country -- lock, stock, and barrel -- to the Red Chinese in exchange
for a hundred million bucks and a lifetime subscription to 'Chunky
Chicks in Bondage'...
>(The second transformation is into Davros.)
NUMBER ONE: Or Larry Flint. It's hard to tell those two apart.
>A. Do you still wish to destroy me, Doctor? As much as I desire
>to destroy you?
DIANE: (Doctor) No. I desire to destroy you _more_! Nyah
>(The Amalgam superbly mimics the throaty, semi-hysterical tone
DOUG: ...of Kurt Cobain.
>of the original.)
>D. I wish that you, Davros, or at least the real Davros, could
>understand what I want.
NYSSA: (Doctor, near tears) What about _my_ needs?! I have
feelings, too, you know! I give and give and give, and all you do
is take, take, take!
> Megalomania is becoming very tiresome.
DOUG: So, give it up, Doctor.
NYSSA: (to DOUG) It's not something you can just give up
all at once.
DOUG: (to NYSSA) You'd know, I guess.
NYSSA and NUMBER ONE: [glare at DOUG]
> For once, I should like to come across a powerful species with a
>strong leader who are all committed to something peaceful, like
NUMBER ONE: (Doctor, stoned) ...primo weed and some killer
> vegetable marrows. Not that they would be safe! Not with
>Daleks and Cybermen
ALL: (Doctor) ...and bears! Oh my!
>and so many other devoted nasties on the loose. Davros, if only
>you could see past your crazed schemes to see the rest of the
> universe as something other than an opportunity for conquest!
DIANE: (Doctor) If only you could see the rest of the universe as
what it really is: an almost-infinite number of beings to have
cheap sex with!
DOUG: (to DIANE) I thought Time Lords had no sex drive.
DIANE: (to DOUG) They don't. But, the Doctor is half-human,
and his maternal grandfather is Wilt Chamberlain.
OTHERS: Ah! [all nod knowingly]
>A. You do go on, Doctor.
>D. When else can I? The real Davros wouldn't listen to a word
NYSSA: (Amalgam) Well, to be perfectly honest, I didn't, either.
>(Davros dissolves back into the original actor.)
>D. You know, my dear Amalgam, perhaps I should take a few
>years and have a good think.
DOUG: (Doctor) Or a good drunk.
NUMBER ONE: (Doctor) Or a good fu--
OTHERS: [glare at NUMBER ONE]
NUMBER ONE: (Doctor) --uuuudge-ripple ice cream. Aheh
>A. But Doctor, the universe needs you!
>A. Who will look out for all the peaceful peoples?
DIANE: The Daleks will! After they conquer and enslave them,
>The rest of theTime Lords don't care.
>D. They used to. When this policy of non-interference began, it
>was based on an important question of ethics. Even I
>appreciated it, and I still do. But more and more it has become
>an excuse for isolationism and apathy...
NUMBER ONE: So, the Time Lords are just Gen-X'ers that can
>(The Amalgam is smiling and slowly shaking his head.)
DOUG: (Amalgam, thinking) Man! You are _so_ boring!
>D. I was pontificating, wasn't I?
>A. It's all right. I was leading you into it.
NYSSA: That reminds me of a saying we Companions came up
with: "You can lead a Doctor to pontificating, but you can't make
him shut up after you do it, so it's not really a good idea."
DIANE: (to NYSSA) Who came up with that?
NYSSA: Susan, I think.
DIANE: Why am I not surprised?
> But what WILL the universe do without you?
NUMBER ONE: (Doctor, as Clark Gable) Frankly my dear
Amalgam, I don't give a damn!
>D. It will get along fine. Somehow or other, it usually does.
>A. You had a chance back on Origamia to ask the girl Inniki to
DOUG: Oh? Is the Doctor coming apart? [pauses] See, 'cause it
said 'join you', as in 'put back together'... [pauses] You know.
'Join'. [pauses] Umm... never mind.
NUMBER ONE: You know, I really think we should make some
bizarre sexual insinuation at this point, but Doug's screwed the
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE) Well _excuse me_ for living, fem-
>She would have a made a fine companion.
NYSSA: (Amalgam) A fine companion for a rabid Rottweiler.
NUMBER ONE: No! There's no way any new companion could
replace Current Companion in the hearts of fandom!
>D. And you want to know why I didn't do anything about it.
>A. Yes, that's what I'm wondering.
>D. It's been getting hard lately
> to have these people come and go
ALL: [snicker more loudly]
> so quickly. Part of me is becoming numb --
ALL: [begin to giggle]
DOUG: [still giggling] When did this turn into 'Carry On Doctor
>I'm afraid they are becoming less and less real to me, coming
>like summer moths. I was trying to remember Zoe Herriot a
>while back, and Icould hardly picture her face.
DIANE: (Doctor) Her butt, on the other hand...
>(The Amagam becomes Zoe.)
>A. I'm still here, Doctor.
>D. But you're also gone forever.
NYSSA: Just like Keith Richards...
>(The Amalgam returns to normal.)
>D. I've been moving too fast for my 900 years. Life needs to be
>savored as well as seasoned.
DOUG: Justin Wilson _is_ the Ninth Doctor!
NUMBER ONE: (Justin Wilson) A little bit o' wine for de meat,
den a little bit for de Doctor... Make dat a little _mo'_ wine for de
Doctor... Den we reverse de polarity o' de neutron flow, and we
ready to eat!
>A. Perhaps you're right: you do need some time alone with
>yourself and with me.
NYSSA: (Amalgam) Just the two of us. Maybe get a cabin up in
the mountains. I'll get the champagne and oysters...
> We could set the TARDIS on a slow orbit around the universe.
>You could think and together we could remember.
DIANE: (Amalgam) Or, alternatively, we could go to the Planet
of Open-Minded Bisexual Nymphomaniac Stewardesses in Heat.
DOUG: (to DIANE) Hey! You used that one in the last session,
DIANE: [shrugs] When you find a winner, you stick with it.
>D. It is appealing.
>(The Amalgam becomes the Master.)
>A. But what about me, Doctor? While you're off pampering
>yourself, I shall be
NYSSA: (Master, as housewife) ...stuck here, raising our child-
ren and trying to make ends meet, you selfish bastard!
>loose, scheming and killing -- I could hardly resist such
DIANE: (Master) ...boyish good looks as yours!
>D. Why doesn't evil take a holiday?
NUMBER ONE: It does. It generally spends a week or two every
Summer in Cleveland.
> I can't go off by myself and let the Master have his way.
DIANE: (Doctor) ...with me.
>(The Amalgam reforms.)
DOUG: (Amalgam) I repent my evil, Zoe-impersonating ways!
>A. Doctor, you need to relax. You're beginning to forget that
>you and the Master both have
DOUG: ...beady little eyes.
DIANE: ...advanced gonorrhea.
NYSSA: ...stock in Microsoft.
NUMBER ONE: ...a large collection of Kenny G. albums.
> It's depressing from one perspective:
DOUG: Hey! That's Picasso's motto!
> he SHOULD always be able to avoid you and you SHOULD
>always be able to keep your eye on him. But the reality is that
NUMBER ONE: (Amalgam) ...stuff happens.
>he gets away with things and sometimes you foil him.
DIANE: (Amalgam) Which keeps him nice and fresh and pre-
vents freezer burn.
>It isn't really as urgent as you feel it is.
NUMBER ONE: Wait just one damn minute! First this 'Amal-
gam' tells the Doctor he should take a break, then convinces him
not to, now he's telling him to take a break again! Talk about
fickle and indecisive! It must be a woman, or something...
[At this, NYSSA and DIANE glare at NUMBER ONE, then look
at each other.]
DIANE: (to NYSSA) Do you want to do the honors, or shall I?
NYSSA: (to DIANE) I'm closer. I'll take care of it.
[NYSSA very deliberately pours her cup on NUMBER ONE,
changing him into a woman.]
NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE) You were saying?
NUMBER ONE (FEMALE): [wipes water from her face] Man,
just _once_ I'd like to make it through one of these sessions
without this happening...
>D. Yes, you're right.
>A. So you will go off for a while?
DOUG: (Amalgam) Like Michael Douglas did in 'Falling
DIANE: (Michael Douglas) I'm just standing up for my rights as
>D. I think I might. But I wonder...
NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) ...who wrote the Book of Love?
> Solitude isn't my deepest need -- I could just use some peace and
>quiet, and, you know, freedom from saving the universe all the
NYSSA: (Doctor) Let Captain Kirk get off his lazy ass every
once in a while!
>I'd like to find some old friend and have long chats
DIANE: 'Chats'? Is _that_ what they call it, now?
>that wouldn't be interrupted by Silurians or Zygons.
DOUG: (Doctor) Or phone calls from telemarketers trying to get
me to change my long-distance service.
NUMBER ONE (F): There _is_ no escaping MCI...
>Some time to think, too, but really time to meditate by myself
>and with others.
ALL: (chanting) Om mane padme om. Om mane padme om...
>A. I can be anybody you've ever known, but I don't think that's
>what you want now.
NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) No, but if you could be Geena
>D. It's because of the contradiction within you.
DOUG: The Amalgam must be from 'Military Intelligence'.
>A. Yes. I'm everyone you've met, but nobody for real. Even
>when I look just like
ALL: (singing) Transformers!/More than meets the eyes!/
Transformers!/Robots in disguise...
>A. the Brigadier
DIANE: (Brigadier) Stop this at once! It started out as a nice
little 'Doctor Who' fanfic, but now it's gotten _silly_!
>A. I'm still the Amalgam of everything you've lived.
>D. And I'm glad you're around. You are an independent
NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) ...though still a part of the
>A. Though formed by your choices.
NYSSA: Well, I guess that settles that, then.
>A. So, who will you drop in on?
>D. Who would you recommend? When have I been most
>distressed to say good-bye to one of my companions?
>A. That's easy.
NUMBER ONE (F): Current Companion!
>D. Is it? No one in particular comes to mind.
NUMBER ONE (F): (to OTHERS) See! I told y'all it was
Current Companion! That's her description!
>A. It came through in the very question you asked. You are
DOUG: (Amalgam) ...the Ebola virus.
>some guilt because you said good-bye to one person that you
>couldn't help at the time,
> not the way you really wanted to. You did help her to keep her
>mind on other things, but she still needed a father,
ALL: (singing) ...I will be your father-figure/Put your tiny hand
>and you couldn't bring yourself to do what you knew you could
>do for her...
NYSSA: (irritatedly) What is it!?
>D. I wondered, when we parted back on Terminus, how she
>would get along.
NYSSA: I am _not_ a 'little dogie', thank you!
>A. You could go find out.
DOUG: (Doctor) Yeah, but then I'd have to, you know, do stuff...
>D. I think I will.
DIANE: The Doctor _is_ 'The Little Engine that Would'!
[The screen fades out and the lights come back on.]
ADRIC (VOICE-OVER): Okay, everyone! Take a break!
ALL: Yay! Woohoo!
[All four get up and leave the theater]
[Door sequence: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...]