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[SOL bridge interior] [The bridge is quiet. DOUG sits at the console, peacefully read- ing an issue of 'Soldier of Fortune'. After a moment, NUMBER ONE (F) enters silently from the right and tiptoes up behind him.] NUMBER ONE (F): Hey, Doug! [DOUG jumps, throwing the magazine into the air, and turns angrily on NUMBER ONE (F).] DOUG: Don't DO that! NUMBER ONE (F): Hey, chill out. It's just me, your Amalgam. DOUG: (sarcastically) Yeah, right. NUMBER ONE (F): Seriously. I'm just in this form because I know it annoys you, and we have an adversary relationship due to my having absorbed your egotism. DOUG: Uh-huh. NUMBER ONE (F): Yep. I'm just a reflection of your own mind and prsonal inadequacies. DOUG: Whatever. [picks up his magazine and resumes reading] NUMBER ONE (F): I'm with you forever and ever. I know! I think I'll annoy you by talking about what a Hell of a guy your worst enemy is! DOUG: [rolls eyes] Whatever floats your boat, Number One. [resumes reading] NUMBER ONE (F): I told you, I'm not Number One! I'm your Amalgam. Anyway, that Number One sure is one heck of a guy... DOUG: ...girl... NUMBER ONE (F): ..._guy_, and so much better than you in every way. He's good at everything, and you suck! DOUG: [still reading, shrugs] Whatever makes you happy... [A second NUMBER ONE, also female, enters from the left.] NUMBER ONE (F2): Hey, Doug. Talking to yourself, now? [DOUG looks up, startled, and then looks rapidly back and forth between the two.] DOUG: Huh... Wha...? NUMBER ONE (F): I told you. I'm your Amalgam. No one else can see me. NUMBER ONE (F2): Hey, are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost. [DOUG backs nervously away from the two NUMBER ONEs, smiling shakily, then turns and runs off screaming.] DOUG: Aaaaaaaaah! [The two NUMBER ONEs watch him leave, then turn and grin at each other. NUMBER ONE (F2) reaches up and pulls off her sunglasses and a red wig, revealing herself to be NYSSA in dis- guise.] NUMBER ONE (F): I can't believe he fell for that! NYSSA: (smugly) I can. [Various lights, alarms, and sirens go off as half the normal chaos ensues.] NUMBER ONE (F) and NYSSA: Aaaah! We've got fanfic sign! [BOTH run off.] ---- [Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] ---- [SOL Theater interior] [All four enter the theater as usual and take their accustomed seats.] DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F) and NYSSA) That was a mean trick to play! You should be ashamed of yourselves for exposing someone's gullibility like that on international television! NYSSA and NUMBER ONE (F): [giggle] DIANE: I mean, all over the world, TVs will be showing you two making Doug look foolish to millions and millions of viewers! DOUG: [sinks down in his seat] Oh, God... [The screen in front of them lights up and words begin to appear on it.] > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > NUMBER ONE (F): The state of Iowa viewed from the side... > >SCENE 5: Terminus, some time having passed. > ALL: (singing) ...Ticking away/The moments that make up a dull day... > >(The introduction to this scene involves folowing Nyssa through >part of a normal day, interacting with people. DIANE: Sharpening her meat cleavers, gassing up her chainsaw... >We need to see the prominent facets of her visible character, DOUG: Easy enough, if she's still working in her underwear. >but be reminded of what she hides within. Show us how well >respected she is and how much Terminus has improved. NYSSA: Hold on, now. _You're_ the author, so _you_ show _us_. DIANE: You know, the way this guy skips over stuff, I get the idea that he doesn't really like to write anything but dialogue. NUMBER ONE (F): This does not bode well... > It will also have the appearance of routine -- all urgency has >been replaced with steadiness of purpose. But Nyssa carries a >sense of remoteness with her.) NYSSA: I keep it hidden in my sock. > >(Thus, when the TARDIS materializes in her office late in the >afternoon, we see a surprising amount of emotion in display, DOUG: (Nyssa) Aaaaggh! Stupid TARDIS! I hate you! I hate youhateyouhateyou! Die! Aaaaaah! >and it is not fleeting.) > >(We hear the familiar cyclical wheezing, NUMBER ONE (F): ...indicating the arrival of Larry Flint. DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Didn't you already slam Flint this session? NUMBER ONE (F): (to DOUG) Yeah, so? It's not like he don't deserve it. DOUG: Good point. >and the TARDIS materialises. Nyssa, suddenly animated, DIANE: ...realizes that she is in South Park. NYSSA: (Cartman) Where's my damn Cheezy-Poofs!? >rushes to the faithful blue police call box and virtually hugs it.) > >(The door opens and she does hug the Doctor, heartily.) > >N. Doctor, it's so good to see you. > DIANE: (Nyssa) And, is that a sonic screwdriver in your pocket, or are you glad to see me, too? >D. How do you know it's me? I've regenerated a few times since >you last saw me. > >N. I know it's you. > NUMBER ONE (F): (Nyssa) Nobody else has that unique smell of Jelly Babies, Thunderbird wine, and latex that you have. >D. Nyssa, you hug me as if you wish I'd never left you. > NYSSA: I'm all confused, now. I thought _I_ left _him_... DIANE: (to NYSSA) Just smile and nod and go with the flow, and it'll be over soon. >N. I didn't know it then, but it was always true. > >D. It was more true for you than it has been for anyone. You're >one of the few companions who embraced me before they left. I >only recently realized what that meant. DOUG: (Doctor) That was when you picked my pocket. > >N. Is that why you've come back? > DOUG: (Doctor) Yeah. I know you've spent the money already, but I need my driver's license back. >D. You're afraid I'm here because of some impending menace? NUMBER ONE (F): (loud, childish voice) Oh, Mister Wil-SON! > >N. It wouldn't be the first time... DIANE: You mean he's come back before? But I thought-- NYSSA: (to DIANE) Smile and nod, dear. Smile and nod. > >D. You're right, very right. But this time it's different. I'm here > because of you, not for any adventure. > DOUG: (Doctor) I need to borrow your black mini-dress. >N. Thank you, Doctor. > >(Nyssa is crying and being held by the DIANE: ...bra strap... >Doctor as they enter the TARDIS. The door closes and it >dematerialises. Frankly, the Doctor's eyes may have been a little >bit moist, too.) NUMBER ONE (F): And that's not _all_ that was moist, either... Oww! [The other three simultaneously whap NUMBER ONE (F) on the head.] > > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > NYSSA: That hem will never hold... >SCENE 6: the TARDIS, Nyssa and Tegan's old room > >N. It's just as I remember it. > DIANE: (Nyssa) If I close my eyes, I can still hear the echoes of her incessant bitching... >D. As it happens, I've left it the way Tegan left it. Perhaps a bit >cleaner. NYSSA: (suspiciously) You didn't throw away my stash, did you? > >N. Jolly old Tegan. > DOUG: Ho ho ho! Here comes Tegan Claus, sliding down the chimney to bring a load of PMS and leg-shots to all the boys and girls! >D. She stayed on another year after you left, and finally went NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) ...postal on Turlough with a cricket bat. >back to earth. You're happy with it, then? > >N. It's perfect. > DIANE: (Nyssa) ...now that Tegan's not in it. >D. Now, let me show you another room, one you've never seen. > DOUG: (Doctor) Namely, the kitchen. This time, you're gonna earn your keep around here! >N. One you've discovered recently? > >D. No, I just hadn't been in there for many years. > DIANE: Think he means the lavatory? NUMBER ONE (F): That _would_ explain most of his sixth incarnation's behavior... > > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > DOUG: As this graph shows, profits have been fairly steady this month... > >SCENE 7: the TARDIS, soon to be in the Doctor's thinking >room NUMBER ONE (F): Diane was right! It _is_ the lavatory! >(Although the presence of roundels is a constant reminder that NYSSA: ... the BBC won't spend money for new sets... >this room is still in the TARDIS, it has a very different feel. It is >a quiet place, DIANE: As if the rest of the TARDIS is like Times Square on a Saturday! > much like a subdued study or library. It really needs a fireplace: >it can't actually have one, DOUG: The landlady won't let him remodel. > but there is a place that would be perfect for one.) NYSSA: Specifically, around the large fire that is burning in the corner. >(Nyssa and the Doctor wander through the corridors of the >TARDIS and stop in front of a door.) > >D. Here it is: the thinking room. > DOUG: (Doctor, as the Brain) Nyssa, are you pondering what I'm pondering? DIANE: (Nyssa, as Pinky) I think so, Doctor. But, where are we going to find flamenco dancers, penguins, and that much Vaseline at this time of night? >N. I don't remember seeing a door here before. > >D. It's always been here, but sometimes things in the TARDIS >are a bit hard to see. > >(This is a veiled reference to other things as well, NYSSA: So, Tegan was right about him... [snickers] > including the Amalgam.) > >(He opens the door and ushers Nyssa into the room.) > DOUG: (Doctor) Step right in, and don't mind all those radiation signals and 'DANGER: KEEP OUT' signs... Aheh heh.. >D. Well, what do you think? > >N. It doesn't look like any other room I've ever seen in the >TARDIS, NUMBER ONE (F): (Nyssa) ...because they don't have mirrored ceilings. > but it belongs. > >D. It's rather like another facet of myself: perhaps hard to >believe at first, but it's been there all along, under the surface. DIANE: (Doctor) ...just waiting to break out and take a blood- soaked revenge on those fools who cast me out. Laugh at _me_, will they? Soon, they'll all learn the folly of their ways, oh yes... NYSSA: (to DIANE) You know, you're beginning to make even _me_ nervous. > >(Nyssa roams a bit. There are a number of interesting objects to >look at.) > DOUG: (author) ...which I am not going to tell you anything about, becuse that would be interesting. >D. Every one of those curios holds a memory for me, some >hundreds of years old. (After a pause.) Whenever you're ready, >please have a seat and be comfortable. > >(Eventually, Nyssa settles into one of several very comfortable >chairs ALL: The COMFY CHAIR!! >with which the room is furnished.) > >N. I like this room. It has a calming influence. You can hardly >feel the background hum of the TARDIS, but there's enough of it NYSSA: ...to be thoroughly irritating. >to add to the feeling of isolation and quiet. > >D. Yes. From here we can cruise quietly through the emptiness >of space. ALL: (flatly) Whee. > >N. If you don't mind my asking, Doctor, why aren't you DIANE: (Nyssa) ...wearing any pants? >off on some adventure, getting yourself into and out of NUMBER ONE (F): (Nyssa) ...detox centers? >trouble? Is everything all right? > > D. Oh, things have been going fine. Although sometimes I do >remember that I'm over 900 years old. > DOUG: But, he's still younger than Dick Clark. >N. Are you feeling old? > NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) Not since Viagra! >D. No, not so much that as feeling that life had been going by >too fast recently. Of course, my idea of "recently" is the last 20 >or 30 years. NUMBER ONE (F): (old codger) Why, back in _my_ day, we didn't have these new-fangled TARDIS contraptions. We travelled the Space-Time Vortex on _foot_! In ten feet of snow! Uphill! And we _liked_ it that way! > >N. Sometimes it's hard to remember that Time Lords live on a >different scale. DIANE: Gallifrey's gone metric. > >D. Sometimes it's even hard for Time Lords to remember that. > > > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > NUMBER ONE (F): Oh look! Kilroy's not here! > >SCENE 8: ALL: (chanting) Who do we ap-pre-ci-ate? > the Master's TARDIS > ALL: Dum-dum-DUUUUM!! >(Even the Master has an Amalgam, although his has a decidedly >different character than the Doctor's. DOUG: Translation: It has a personality. > However, remember that the Amalgam represents the sum of >all that a Time Lord has experienced. Since the Master has had >many dealings with the Doctor, it is not surprising that his >Amalgam has what the Master considers an irritating streak of NUMBER ONE (F): ...bad luck... DOUG: ...cowardice... NYSSA: ...mustard... DIANE: ...heterosexuality... >good ALL: D'oh! NYSSA: (to herself) I _love_ that gag... > running through him, or at least an appreciation of good. Their >entire relationship is on a different footing.) NUMBER ONE (F): In this case, the Amalgam is femme instead of butch... DOUG: Ooooh... _Bad_ mental picture... > >(It also true that the Master's Amalgam exists in a state of >contradiction. DIANE: Kind of like 'government assistance'. >The purpose of an Amalgam is to serve the Time Lord who uses NYSSA: ...and then casually discards him like so many before. > its TARDIS, but to be as much like the Time Lord as possible. >Servitude and the Master are diametrically opposed concepts. DOUG: So? Peanut butter and chocolate are diametrically opposed concepts, too, and Reese's Cups work just fine. >Each Amalgam also has some moral awareness which is >inherent in their existence, NUMBER ONE (F): ...unlike liberal Democrats. DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) You're _trying_ to get hate- mail, aren't you? >going back to Rassilon's creation of his own Amalgam; the >Master does not.) DOUG: But, he _does_ have the Beard of Evil (tm)! > >(The Master's Amalgam is thus not quite what one would expect. > He cannot have the air of superiority which the Master has. DOUG: Nor, the Beard of Evil (tm)! > He treats the Master with contempt, but cannot really oppose >him under normal circumstances.) DIANE: The Master's Amalgam is made of the Russian Parlia- ment. > >(The scene begins with the Master working at something at his >TARDIS control panel, undoubtedly planning some sort of evil >[an occasional chuckle of evil anticipation may be in order]. NUMBER ONE (F): Evil anticipatory chuckling is required under Rule Twenty-four, Clauses A through G of the _Villains'_ Handbook_. DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) You really know that thing by heart, don't you? NUMBER ONE (F): (to DOUG) There's a written test before you can get accepted into the Union. DOUG: Ah. > His Amalgam appears out of thin air [but quietly] and melts ALL: I'M MELTING! AAH! What a world... >into the form of the Doctor. It then slowly creeps up behind the >Master and says...) DIANE: (Amalgam) I see your heinie/So big and shiny!/It makes me giggle/To see it wiggle! > >A. BOO! > ALL: Aaaah! [clutch their chests in feigned surprise] >(The Master is startled enough that one of his hands hits a lever NUMBER ONE (F): (singing) Fifty ways to love your lever... >that throws his TARDIS into a hard acceleration [TARDIS >lurches]. DOUG: (Lurch) Yooouuuu rrrrraaannngggg? > He turns suddenly and viciously on the Amalgam, who fades >back into his neutral form.) NYSSA: So, now the Amalgam looks like Switzerland? > >M. I should kill you! > >A. You've tried, and you know it can't be done. I'm the one >person in the entire cosmos you can never out-think. DIANE: (Amalgam) Not counting Regis Philbin, of course. > And never get rid of. > >M. I'm not so convinced of that. There must be some way to >dislodge you from my TARDIS. DOUG: Try the Heimlich Maneuver. > >A. Come now, I am your TARDIS. And you're stuck with me >as long as you're a Time Lord. NYSSA: (Amalgam) Or, until you get some penicillin. > >M. If only you were useful. You've absorbed all of my >experiences, my motivations NUMBER ONE (F): (Master) ...my saturated fats... NYSSA: (Master) ...my glue-sniffing habit... DIANE: (Master) ...my penile compensation complex... DOUG: (Master) ...but, not my Beard of Evil (tm)! > and my desire to rule, and all you've ever used it for is to pester >me. > >A. It's you're own fault that I'm uncooperative. If you didn't >want to rule the universe so desperately, ALL: (singing) ...Every-body wants to rule the Wooorld... >I wouldn't have an insatiable desire to grind you under my foot. >You get what you deserve. > DIANE: (Amalgam, as Rik Mayall) ...a jolly good punch on the bottom! > >M. You're almost as bad as the Doctor. A moral prig in a >amoral universe! NUMBER ONE (F): Ooooh! That's telling him! > >(Author's note: in no way do I consider, personally, the Doctor to >be a "moral prig", but this IS the Master, after all.) DOUG: [sighs] At least _somebody_ here isn't trying to see how many people he can offend. NUMBER ONE (F): (to DOUG) Hey! I resemble that remark! >A. Ah, the Doctor. Now there's a contrast to your wicked, >scheming character which I dearly love to study. > >M. I wonder if you're really fond of him or if you just say things >like that to irritate me. DIANE: He's just trying to make you jealous, as a means of keeping you interested in him. DOUG: Heh. The Amalgam must read 'Cosmo'... > >A. I live for irritation. > NYSSA: (Amalgam) That's why I put sand in my shorts! > >M. Yes, I'm sure you do. > >A. Without the Doctor, I would not have learned of the wealth >of things which get under your skin. DOUG: (Foghorn Leghorn) That Amal-- I say, that Amalgam's like a tattoo. He gets under your skin. > Without the Doctor, my existence would be drear and hum- >drum. NYSSA: (Amalgam, lovestruck) He's so _dreamy_! > >M. If you would like to leave me and join him, please feel >entirely free to do so. > >A. Oh... I think not. (Seraphic smile.) > DIANE: (Amalgam) I'll stay with you for the children's sake. NUMBER ONE (F): Wow. Listening to these two is like being in the room with my Aunt Bobbi and Uncle Thomas... >(We may come back to this, but for now we will depart. It's >enough to set the stage: the Master and the Amalgam can go on >like this for hours at a time.) NUMBER ONE (F): Yep. _Just_ like Bobbi and Thomas. DOUG: Hey, wait a minute... (to NUMBER ONE (F)) That whole scene kinda reminds me of your little stunt earlier! NUMBER ONE (F): (smugly) What can I say? I'm good. NYSSA: Actually, we peeked ahead... > > > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > DOUG: Cut along this line and fold Scene 8 into slot C... > >SCENE 9: The Doctor's TARDIS. Still in the thinking room. > >D. So, how are things on Terminus? > >N. Things are going fine. > DIANE: Such pathos! Such drama! There hasn't been an emotion- charged scene like this since... since... NUMBER ONE (F): ...since Current Companion's heart-rending farewell! >(She is oddly reticent to talk about Terminus, in spite of her >achievements there. She is preoccupied. NYSSA: I'm trying to figure out how they get that stuff into the middle of a Twinkie. >The Doctor is aware of her underlying conflict, but isn't sure >how to proceed.) > >D. What great plans do you have for its future? DIANE: (Nyssa) Two words: casino gambling. > >N. I don't know. I guess that we will continue to expand and >improve the facilities as more systems become aware that Lazars >disease is fully curable. DOUG: Eight years of hard work, and all she can come up with is, "I don't know. I guess we'll do some stuff."? DIANE and NYSSA: (to DOUG) Just smile and nod. > >D. I would have thought you'd be excited about the prospects. > >N. I used to be excited. > >D. What happened? NYSSA: I'm not sure. It's almost as if my life recently is being controlled by some higher power that is forcing me into stiff and emotionless postures, like a hack writer using someone else's characters... > >N. The challenge has pretty much been overcome. Terminus >will succeed regardless of who helps it along. NUMBER ONE (F): Think so? Let's put Hillary Clinton in charge of it, and see what happens. > >D. So you're feeling a bit bored? > ALL: Yes! DOUG: Oh, wait. I think he was talking to her, not us... >N . Somewhat, but that's not all of it. I could have kept setting >new challenges for myself, but I stoppped doing it a while back. >I think I spend more time now feeling sorry for myself than >getting anything useful done. DOUG: (Nyssa) I was fine until I found that Beck album... > >(A lapse into silence ensues. Both of them know what subject >needs to be discussed, but both are unwilling to broach it.) NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor, reluctantly) Nyssa, you're growing up so fast, now. I think it's time we had a little talk... about the... the birds and the bees. NYSSA: (naively) You mean all that icky stuff is _true_? You'd think the bird would get stung, or something... > >(Someone will have to, of course, since the Master isn't likely to >crash in on their conversation and say, "Why don't you talk >about how much I hurt Nyssa by killing her father and stealing >his body?") DIANE: (grumbling) At least there'd be some action, then... NUMBER ONE (F): (to NYSSA) Why _don't_ you ever talk about that? DOUG: (to NYSSA) Yeah. Why is that? NYSSA: (to OTHERS) Because I'm not a self-pitying little whiner like that caricature of me on the screen. Besides, what is there to say? He killed my father and stepmother and then destroyed everything I've ever known and loved. [shrugs] He did it, and one day I'll eat his hearts and spit the blood on his cold, dead face for it. Does that answer your question? OTHERS: [nod nervously] > >D. Life in the universe has always had a sad propensity for evil. >Do you know what I ran across not long ago? I encountered an >evil, twisted being who is apparently NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) ...a Senator from Massachusetts. >my last regeneration. He was calling himself NUMBER ONE (F): ...'Big Daddy D'. DIANE: ...'Mr. Wrestling Number Two'. NYSSA: ...'Barney'. DOUG: ...'my preciousssss'. "the Valeyard" ALL: D'oh! > then, but I don't doubt that I shall run across him again calling >himself something else. DOUG: See above. > >N. It sounds awful. How can you run into yourself like that? > NUMBER ONE (F): It happens all the time in the chase scenes in those old Tex Avery cartoons... DOUG: (Screwy Squirrel) Hey, Meathead! > >D. Oh, it happens from time to time. It plays havoc with the >laws of time, DIANE: (Doctor) ...because my other selves have a restraining order against me. >which are fortunately somewhat resilient in this case. The >implications, however, of the existence of the Valeyard concern >me greatly. If it's true that I become evil at the end of my life, >I'd like to DOUG: (Doctor) ...make sure I enjoy it. >know why. > >N. If you know about it, can you stop it from happening? > >D. No. If it's true, then it will happen. It's inevitable. DIANE: (Doctor) And, besides, I've already bought a bunch of black outfits. >I've encountered him and both of our lives were changed as a >result. If he's really me, then I must become him and interact >with my earlier self or I never become the person I am now. NYSSA: (to OTHERS) Who else here thinks the Doctor is just making excuses because he _wants_ to be evil? ALL: [raise hands] > The classic time paradox. NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) ...except that I didn't become my own Grandpa. > Time Lords are generally a fatalistic lot: the appreciation of > cause and effect are deeply ingrained in our natures. DOUG: Translation: Time Lords are too lazy to get off their asses for _anything_. > >N. How could you ever become evil, when you've fought so hard >against it? > >D. That's the question which has kept coming back to me lately. > When you fight evil face-to-face, tooth and nail, DIANE: ...cheek-to-cheek... >it is easy to end up fighting it on its own terms. Morality does >not always present easy choices, and sometimes it appears to >offer no choice. I am not happy with the way many of my >adventures have turned out. NYSSA: (sarcastically) Like that time on Traken? Gee, why not? > Too many lives have been lost. > >N. You always do everything you can. More than could be >expected. DOUG: (Nyssa) ...considering that you're, well, an imbecile. > >D. But in the end, I cannot do everything. And there's no >guarantee that I will do the best thing. NUMBER ONE (F): He doesn't have a Mr. Goodwrench Service Agreement. > I fear that a conflict between my desire to do good and my sense >of personal inadequacy may lead to my downfall. DIANE: Do people really talk like that? NYSSA: (to DIANE) Only in bad fan-fiction, dear. > >N. So for the moment, you are doing nothing because you are >afraid you might start making wrong decisions. DOUG: (Doctor) Well, that and the fact that I'm so apathetic. > >D. Nyssa, you've just said what my heart and mind have been >trying to tell me. I look back over what I've done and wonder >what I might do. NUMBER ONE (F): (King Lear) I will do such things, -- what they are yet I know not, -- but they shall be the terrors of the earth. DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) Cool! Who is that? John Cleese, right? NUMBER ONE (F): (to DIANE) Uh, not _exactly_... > >N. I am also paralyzed, Doctor, but at the other end of life. I >wonder how I'll get by. > ALL: (singing) ...I _will_/Get by... >D. Then it's good that we're together in this. Prehaps we can >help each other. > NYSSA: Yes. Your apathetic self-absorption is just the thing to counter my self-absorbed apathy... > > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > NUMBER ONE (F): (Bugs Bunny) I dare ya to step across this line! DOUG: (Yosemite Sam) I'm a-steppin'... > >SCENE 10: a pub > >(Being American rather than English, NUMBER ONE (F): ...means that I've got a whole ocean between me and the French, thank God! > I'm at a loss for description in this scene. ALL: [stare at the screen, snickering] DIANE: At least he admits it... > All I know are the idealized images I've seen on TV.) NYSSA: I don't know that I'd call 'The Kebab and Calculator' an ideal pub... > >(The Amalgams of both the Doctor and the Master are present. >This is no earthly pub, of course. DOUG: Which means that it just _might_ have decent service. > It's peopled entirely by Amalgams. I assume they are enjoying >their pints of ale, or whatever it is that people enjoy in pubs.) DIANE: Cutting each other up with broken pint mugs in fights over soccer teams... DOUG: Getting blind drunk and snogging in the corner with a barmaid who looks like Benny Hill in a skirt... NUMBER ONE (F): Writing badly-spelled pro-IRA graffiti on the men's room wall... NYSSA: Complaining about the government while waiting to pick up their dole check... > >(Here I will use D. for the Doctor's Amalgam and M. for the >Master's.) > >(The Master's Amalgam is not easy to get along with. Even >away from the Master he is sarcastic, but here we see his >essential bitterness let loose.) > >D. How are things going in the real world? DOUG: (Master's Amalgam) I don't know. The Master doesn't let me watch MTV any more. Not since he had that big split-up with Tabitha Soren. > >M. As miserable as always. And you? > >D. Different. Things are changing. > >M. What's happened? > DIANE: (Doctor's Amalgam) He just sits in there typing, day after day after day. But when I went in the other day and looked, all I found were hundreds and hundreds of pages with "All work and no play makes the Doctor a dull boy" typed on them... >D. The Doctor is showing signs of losing his nerve. > >M. The Master would love that! > >D. I've helped him to take a bit of a rest and to do some >thinking. NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor's Amalgam) I waited 'til he turned his back, then knocked him on the head with a tire iron and locked him in the toilet. > He's actually having a heart to heart chat right now with one of > his former companions. I think it will do him a world of good. > >M. Which companion is it? > >D. Nyssa of Traken. > >(The Master's Amalgam reacts strongly.) NUMBER ONE (F): (Master's Amalgam) Hubba hubba! What a babe! What I wouldn't give for a piece of that sweet stuff! Schwiiiinnng! Bring on that hot little momma! NYSSA: (to DOUG and DIANE) You know, the fact that I'm hearing those words about me from a woman _really_ creeps me out. NUMBER ONE (F): (to OTHERS) Hey! I'm not a woman! NYSSA: [points at NUMBER ONE (F)'s breasts] And those are...? NUMBER ONE (F): Well... I mean... I'm a woman right _now_, but I'm not... I mean, yeah, _physically_ I'm... uhh... [sighs] never mind... > >M. How could you! It's vicious of you to mention her name! > NUMBER ONE (F): Heh. Must be an ADF member. >D. I'm sorry. > >M. I'd accept your apology, but it wouldn't make me feel any >better. I suppose you can't help yourself. > >(He smashes his glass on the counter or table. DOUG: Umm... do we get to pick which one, or something? DIANE: Maybe this is a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure story. NYSSA: If he smashes the glass on the counter, go to page 16, on which nothing of interest happens. If, on the other hand, he smashes the glass on the table, go to page 17, on which nothing of interest happens. > > It shatters and cuts his hand. He speaks with great passion.) > >M. I wish I could do something to destroy the Master! DOUG: Shave off his Beard of Evil (tm)! NYSSA: (to DOUG) How do you say that? DOUG: (to NYSSA) What? NYSSA: You know. That thing you say after 'Evil'. DOUG: You mean, (tm)? NYSSA: Yes! That! DOUG: You just have to hold your mouth right. Like this... [DOUG leans forward so that NYSSA can see his face] DOUG: Now, watch. (tm) See? Just like that. Now, you try it. NYSSA: (c) DOUG: Close, but not quite... > If I could kill him, I would. > >D. We can hardly do much more than reflect their own thoughts >and characters. > >M. I'm so sick of him! There isn't a glimmer of hope for him. >Just more and more evil. > >D. And you must live with the burden. NUMBER ONE (F): (Kipling) Take up the Amalgam's burden--/ And reap his old reward:/The blame of those ye better,/The hate of those ye guard. DOUG: Uh... yeah. What she said. He said. Whatever. > >M. It wouldn't be a burden if I did not comprehend good, as he >scarcely does. He stole the body of Tremas, and I pay the >penalty. DIANE: (Master's Amalgam) Six months of community service for petty larceny... >The moment when Tremas's mind went away forever meant >nothing to the Master, but it seared me with a wound that is as >fresh now as it was then. DOUG: (Master's Amalgam) Which is to say, it's pretty much healed, except that sometimes it swells up if a storm's coming. > The only Time Lord I hate as much as the Master is Rassilon, > who made what we are possible. NYSSA: (Master's Amalgam) And Hedin, for being an utter lamer. And Maxil, because he used to throw spitwads at me in third period Temporal Sciences. Oh, and Flavia and Thalia... > > > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > DIANE: This story's hysterectomy scar didn't heal right... > >SCENE 11: The Doctor's TARDIS, as previously. > DOUG: (ship captain) All hands! Stand by to repel boredom! >N. Doctor, how do you live with all your memories? > >D. You know how I do it most of the time -- NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) ...in the Missionary Position. NYSSA: [whaps NUMBER ONE (F) on the head] NUMBER ONE (F): (to NYSSA) Ow! What was that for? NYSSA: For implying that I would know that. > I don't stop long enough to remember. > >N. Can you do that forever? Can you keep going from >adventure to adventure? > >D. No, not forever. New adventures keep adding new DIANE: (Doctor) ...charges of 'Indecent Exposure' and 'Public Intoxication' to my rap sheet. >memories and new horrors to my experience. NYSSA: Ugh. He must have seen 'Waterworld', also. >Sometimes I have to stop and think. > >N. I've been thinking myself, probably too much. There used to >be times I could stop thinking . . . about . . . the . . . Master . . . > and . . . my . . . father . . . DOUG: Oh my God! She's turned into William Shatner! >(She is crying. NYSSA: Hmph. What a wuss. >The Doctor lets her. His presence tells her that it is all right for >her to release her pain.) > NUMBER ONE (F): How sweet and sensitive. This must be the Alan Alda Doctor. Bleah. DIANE: Personally, I'd rather see Bruce Campbell as the Doctor. NYSSA: That would rule! Can't you see him with the Valeyard? DOUG: Yeah! [mimes firing a shotgun at someone] BABOOM! (Bruce Campbell, contemptuously) Good. Bad. [shrugs] _I'm_ the Doctor with the gun. >(He does offer her a hankerchief, which she silently accepts.) DIANE: Heh heh. Good thing this isn't the Paul Reubens Doctor... > >D. (Quietly, after several minutes.) And now you can't stop > thinking... NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) Ironic, that. Most of my companions can't _start_... > >(She slowly nods her head.) > >D. It's odd, sometimes, the way painful memories live in our >lives. Associations or abrupt reminders can bring back >hurtfulness with the same force with which it first hit us, or >worse. There are places where I can no longer go because of the >memories which are stirred up. DOUG: (Doctor) ...among the local law enforcement. Thank God for statutes of limitations! > >N. Why must there be so much evil? > >D. I don't know. > NUMBER ONE (F): (Doctor) Come on, Nyssa. Ask me some- thing _difficult_, why don't you? Sheesh! >N. It's not like you, Doctor, to admit you don't know something. > NYSSA: Very true. Usually, he just makes up something with a lot of syllables in it and hopes no one catches him. DIANE: (to NYSSA) Are you saying the Doctor uses techno- babble? NYSSA: (to DIANE) He's an unlisted script adviser to Star Trek: The Next Generation. Draw your own conclusion. >D. I'd rather not have to. DOUG: (Doctor) ...be in this fanfic. NUMBER ONE (F): Better in it than out here reading it. DOUG: Good point. > >(More silence.) > >D. Nyssa, what do you think would help you to deal with your >memories? > DIANE: (Nyssa) Half a gram of prime Colombian flake would do for a start. >N. I don't know. I've tried to think, What do I want? How can I >be free? How can I keep moving forward when I drag these >feelings with me? NUMBER ONE (F): Heh heh heh! The author lifted that from a poem he wrote in Sophomore English. > >D. Would vengeance help? > NYSSA: (brightly) Vengeance _always_ helps! >N. I don't know what I would do if I met the Master again. >Could I kill him if I had the chance? Probably not. I need to >know how to live with my memories the way they are. NYSSA: (furiously) No! No! No! Wrong! Uh-uh! No way! NUMBER ONE (F): (soothingly) It's okay. Stay frosty... NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE (F), still upset) Screw frosty! I put up with this guy having me wuss out through the rest of this fanfic, but here I draw the line! There is no way in Hell I'd be such a wimp as to say I couldn't kill the Master! The only reason I haven't done it already is that I want it to come as a shock to him when I finally disembowel him and turn loose the man-eating lemurs... NUMBER ONE (F): I know, I know. But that's _you_. The Nyssa in this story is a different interpretation. DOUG: (aside, to DIANE) Man-eating _lemurs_? DIANE: [shrugs] NYSSA: But, this Nyssa's characterization isn't canonical! DOUG: (to NYSSA) Neither is yours. NYSSA: (stunned) What? I'm... _not_ canon...? NUMBER ONE (F): [nods] 'Fraid so. NYSSA: (quietly, still stunned) I'm... not canon. Wow. That's... heavy. [perks up a little] But, I can still hate the 'Nyssa' in this story, right? DIANE: (to NYSSA) Of _course_ you can! _We_ do! > >D. It isn't easy, but it's best. The problem with life is that you >can't erase its problems. There's nothing I or anyone could do DOUG: (Doctor) ...to prevent them from making 'Baywatch Nights'. >that would completely free you of your pain. Some of it can be >healed, but the facts can't be altered. I can, however, offer you >something that might go a long way toward helping you. > DIANE: I was right! He _is_ going to offer her some coke! NYSSA: Actually, I'm more of a Pepsi drinker. DIANE: Umm... yeah. >N. Something besides just being here? > >D. Something much better than that. You see, I've know within >myself for some time that circumstances have made me a >substitute for your own father. DIANE: Just like Mr. Drummond! DOUG: (Gary Coleman) Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Diane? >It's a simple fact, but not of much use. However, it can be and >will be deeper than the coincidence of circumstance. Every >Time Lord has a birthright, the power of choice in primogeni- >ture. If you would have me, I would like to adopt you. NYSSA: Okay, but I'm not changing my surname to 'Sigma'. > >(How would Nyssa react to this? DOUG: (to OTHERS) Is everyone ready? One... two... three... ALL: (shouting) YOU tell US! _You're_ the author! >She hasn't any idea of the ramifications...) > >N. Thank you, Doctor, I don't know what to say. > NYSSA: Even 'Hell no!' doesn't seem sufficient... >D. You will let me do this, won't you? > >N. Oh, yes. It's hard to grasp, but... DIANE: [starts to say something, then stops] Nah. Too easy. NUMBER ONE (F): [nods] _Way_ too easy. > >D. I understand. Well, let me tell you what it involves. Time >Lords often do not have children of their own, so it is not >unheard of to DOUG: (Doctor) ...make lots of impotence jokes at their expense. >adopt someone from the Gallifreyan population. For those of us >who spend more time away from home, we are sometimes >permitted to bestow our inheritance on anyone we choose, >subject to the approval of the High Council. The unique thing >about this is that we do not pass on a name or material wealth. NUMBER ONE (F): [shrugs] So? Nobody in _my_ family has ever passed on any material wealth to their kids, either. >In adopting you, you will become a true Time Lord, even >genetically. You will be given the power of regeneration as well >as DIANE: (Doctor) ...apathy and ridiculous taste in headgear. > the privilege of a TARDIS of your own. I think that you will >make a good Time Lord. > NYSSA: Considering most of the Time Lords I've encountered, that is _not_ a compliment. >N. I feel as though I shouldn't let you do this. > DIANE: (Nyssa) It'll kill my sex drive, won't it? >D. I know how you feel. Sometime I will tell you my own story. >It is not an easy transition. > >N. I trust you. > >D. That's what really matters. There is another consequence of >the adoption that is as important as what I've already mentioned. DOUG: (Doctor) You'll be responsible for all my debts if I default on them. >We will be linked as people with a telepathic bond. DOUG: (Doctor) It's only got a 2.4% interest rate, though. NUMBER ONE (F): Unlike this story, which has a 0% interest rate. > You will feel me and know when and where I am at all times. >The bonding is mutual: I will also know your feelings and >whereabouts. It is a way to share strength at any distance. > DIANE: Just like MCI! >N. Strength is what I need. NUMBER ONE (F): (Nyssa) My Half-Elf Fighter gets a 10% experience point bonus if it's 15 or higher. DOUG: Heh. D and D is _so_ '80's... > > > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > NUMBER ONE (F): ...and the line shall lie with the lamb... DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE (F)) You're weird... >(They will set course for Gallifrey. In the next episode, we shall >see Nyssa become a Time Lord.) NYSSA: (flatly) Yay. > >------------------------------------------------------------------------ > End of Episode One >------------------------------------------------------------------------ DOUG: YES!! Let's bail! [All four get up and leave the theater] ---- [Door sequence: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] ---- [SOL bridge interior] [The bridge looks much as it did at the beginning, with TV, VCR, pillows, etc. DOUG, DIANE, and NYSSA are lounging around, while NUMBER ONE (male again) stands at the VCR holding a pair of tapes.] NUMBER ONE: (to OTHERS) Okay, what's it gonna be? 'Army of Darkness' or 'The Outlaw Josey Wales'? Bruce Campbell or Clint Eastwood? DIANE: Oooh. Tough call. Who has the best one-liners? DOUG: Campbell's got, "First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow." NYSSA: Yeah, but Eastwood's got, "Dyin' ain't much of a livin', boy." NUMBER ONE: True. Plus, 'Outlaw' has lots of dead Yankees in it. DOUG and DIANE: [glare at NUMBER ONE] [The light on the console begins to flash.] NUMBER ONE: Oh, never mind. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly are calling... [presses the light] NYSSA: Hey! That's even appropriate... ---- [Interior back room at This Time Round] [ADRIC stands looking at a series of printouts, a look of amaze- ment on his face. In the background, HARRY is on the phone.] ADRIC: This is astonishing! According to the instruments in the Theater, your level of crudity and vulgarity actually _increased_ in proportion to the niceness of the fanfic. Almost like an immune response. It's almost as if your minds have antibodies of mean- ness! ---- [SOL] ALL: (flatly) Gee, thanks. ---- [TTR] ADRIC: No matter! I have the proper toxin here to break you down. You know that the fanfic you just read is part of a series, right? ---- [SOL] DOUG: (hesitantly) Yeah... ---- [TTR] ADRIC: Well, what you don't know is that I've got a dozen more where that one came from. What else you don't know is that each succeeding episode is more whimsically sweet than the one before, but with less action. Oh, and we also get an author-insertion character around episode five. ---- [SOL] [ALL look ill.] NYSSA: Author-insertion? God, that is _so_ lame! [DOUG, DIANE, and NUMBER ONE all look suddenly uneasy.] ---- [TTR] ADRIC: So, just you wait, because 'The Last Cyberman' will be your next tor-- ah, 'treatment'... [HARRY comes up to ADRIC and taps him on the shoulder.] HARRY: (to ADRIC) There's a chap on the phone who'd like a word with you, Old Boy. ADRIC: (to HARRY) Eh? Who is it? HARRY: He says he's a Mr. Howe from the law firm of Dewey, Skruwom, and Howe, and is calling on behalf of a 'Pearl Forrester'. [ADRIC looks suddenly nervous. He glances apprehensively at the phone.] ADRIC: Ah... thanks, Harry. Take over here, would you? [ADRIC walks over to the phone in the background, while HARRY steps into his place in front of the screen.] HARRY: [waves cheerfully] Hullo, all! ---- [SOL] ALL: [wave] Hi, Harry! ---- [TTR] [In the background ADRIC looks increasingly panicked as he talks on the phone.] HARRY: Let's see, your session is finished, and Adric has taunted you already, so I guess we're done here. Erm... how does one properly end this sort of thing? ---- [SOL] [NUMBER ONE is putting a tape in the VCR as the others resume their lounging and snacking.] DOUG: He usually hits that button in front of you. ---- [TTR] [In the background, ADRIC is still on the phone and seems near tears. He is pulling his hair out in small clumps.] HARRY: This button here? [presses button and the screen goes black] >FWOOOOSH!< One Last Note from the Author: There! I hope you all enjoyed that! This was all in good fun, and no offense was intended, except on the Clinton slams. If anyone would like to send fan mail to the SOL gang for Adric to read, send it to: bkwillis@HiWAAY.net and I will have Adric read it at the start of the next episode, as long as it's not too hateful. Special thanks go out to Douglas Killings and Diane Brendan, for letting me mistreat them like this, and to the band Blackfoot, which I listened to while coming up with this stuff. Thanks for reading! BKWillis > I fear that a conflict between my desire to do good and my sense >of personal inadequacy may lead to my downfall. Notes - Part One
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