[Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]
[SOL, Theater interior]
[The five enter the theater from a door on the right, all carrying
popcorn and drinks. NYSSA takes the aisle seat, with NUMBER
ONE on her left, DOUG on the other side of him, then HELEN,
then DIANE on the far left end.]
NUMBER ONE: Size really _does_ matter?
DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE) Well, yeah. Duh. Of course,
Francois should be able to hold up his end there, o vulnerable and
melon-chested one, so don't worry!
NUMBER ONE: [scowls] (to DIANE) Bite me, Holy Grail.
[A screen in front of the five lights up and words begin to appear
>The Anorak Wearing Man
DOUG: One of the less-intimidating villains on 'X-Files'.
NUMBER ONE: (fanboy voice) You're in over your head,
Mulder. If you draw Karen McCoy's attention, it'll be the last
thing you do...
>by Paul Andinach
NYSSA: [sighs and shakes head] Another young and innocent
soul ruined by the plague that is fanfic.
HELEN: (to audience) Remember, kiddies: Mistress Helen says
to just say 'no' to fan fiction!
>That autumn, there was a sudden epidemic of death.
DIANE: ...and Dr. Kevorkian and Dr. Giggles were having
surprisingly little success at stopping it.
>Bodies were found all over town,
NYSSA: ...prompting a big 'Cadaver Rush' that soon turned the
quiet community into another corpse-mining boomtown.
DIANE: They'd been left by the Corpse Fairies for all the good
HELEN: (singing) If you want my body/And you think I'm sexy...
DOUG: (Eric Idle) Bring out your dead!
NUMBER ONE: Fortunately, this was Chicago, so the fact of
their deaths wouldn't interfere with their eligibility to vote.
HELEN: (John Cleese) They wouldn't 'Voom!' if you put four
million volts through them! They were bleedin' _demised_!
>but with no signs of what killed them.
DOUG: Somebody made them read a 'Sailor Moon' porn-fic.
NYSSA: Maybe, but it couldn't have been 'Artemis's Lover',
because the victims hadn't clawed their own brains out to make
>All were known criminals.
DIANE: Jaywalkers, speeders, people who didn't rewind their
videos before returning them to the store...
>All were known enemies of "Sane Jonny" Ferras,
DOUG: And that would be the _least_-intimidating 'X-Files'
villain. How does a hood get a monicker like 'Sane Jonny'?
NUMBER ONE: (gangster) The Scozzoli Family is cutting in
on our action on the West Side and whacking our flatnose boys
on the street. I think a group encounter session and some anger-
management classes are in order, here.
>who was not a known criminal,
HELEN: (narrator) ...because he wore a paper bag on his head
and did all his dirty work as 'The Unknown Criminal'.
>but only because he had a good lawyer.
NYSSA: There's an oxymoron for you.
DOUG: [whaps NYSSA on the head] (to NYSSA) I'm _married_
to a lawyer, I'll have you know.
NYSSA and NUMBER ONE: (to DOUG) My condolences.
DOUG: [scowls and whaps NYSSA and NUMBER ONE on the
>Word on the street said that Sane Jonny had bought a new
>secret weapon from some mysterious supplier.
DIANE: (scared) He's got a board! With a _nail_ in it!
>Word on the street said that certain people had tried to talk to
>the guy and make him a better offer, but he always vanished
>without a trace.
NYSSA: (Andy Rooney) Did you ever notice that you never
hear anyone talk about 'vanishing _with_ a trace'? Why is that?
>Word on the street said: I don't respond to threats, guv,
HELEN: ...unless you count cowering and wetting myself.
>but as a token of good will I'll tell you that Sane Jonny has
>another meeting with his supplier tonight.
NUMBER ONE: They're going to review their ISO 9000 docum-
entation and then set up a task force to implement the 'Quality'
NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE) No more 'Dilbert' for you.
>Obviously, we were interested.
HELEN: At least _someone_ is.
>If anybody had weapons like this, we needed to know about
>them. So I followed Sane Jonny to a run-down apartment
>building on the outskirts of town.
DIANE: At least it wasn't a funky old phone booth.
NUMBER ONE: (Ray Stevens, panting) It's me again, Margaret...
>When he entered, I stood back in the shadows (I'd left my car a
>few blocks away) and waited.
NYSSA: (singing) Wait! Waaait!/I never had a chance to love
DIANE: (gagging) Urk. Having... big-hair flashbacks... Ooh...
>The only thing that happened in the next two hours was a
>cluster of bright lights passing overhead
DOUG: Mescaline usually kicks in quicker than that.
>with an unusual humming sound.
HELEN: (narrator) That's when I realized that I'd stumbled into
a Crash Test Dummies video.
ALL: (humming musically) Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm/Mmm-mmm-
>After another half an hour a soldier strolled out of the shadows
>on the other side of the road and
DIANE: (narrator, effeminately) ...athked if I wath available. I
told him, "Thure, if you've got the money, honey..."
>told me that I had to leave the area, because a detachment of
>troops from the United Nations was using the area for a training
NUMBER ONE: [laughs] And what are UN troops gonna train
at? How to be good human shields? How to say, "I give up" in
ten different languages?
>I pointed out that I'm a law enforcement officer,
DOUG: (narrator) I'm with Mall Security, and I'm in pursuit of
a serial loiterer.
>showed him my badge,
DIANE: (narrator) Isn't it cool? I had to send in five Chocolate-
Frosted Frooty Hoops boxtops to get it!
>and explained that there was a known criminal in the apartment
>building I was watching.
HELEN: I thought you just said he _wasn't_ a known criminal.
DIANE: (to HELEN) Smile and nod; you know the drill by now.
>He said, straight-faced, that they'd be sure to let him know they
NUMBER ONE: Ah. Must be UN Special Forces, then.
>He added that, if my quarry had looked out the window during
>this conversation, he'd probably realised I was here and slipped
>out the back way.
NYSSA: Does Sane Jonny's depraved criminal genius know no
DOUG: He's not exactly the Napoleon of Crime. More like the
Neville Chamberlain of Crime.
>I couldn't argue with that, so I walked off.
DIANE: (narrator) It was mere coincidence that it was also time
for 'Half-Price Hour' at the doughnut shop...
>But I doubled back when I was sure he couldn't see me any
>more. As far as I knew, the only troops the UN had were the
NUMBER ONE: ...which are every bit as useful for preserving
peace as gerbils are for guarding a chicken coop.
>and I couldn't think of any reason for them to be in Australia.
NYSSA: They've come to set up a Demilitarized Zone around
HELEN: (dreamily) Ooh, Angus...
>So who were these "soldiers from the United Nations"?
DIANE: (narrator) And why did I find myself so strangely attrac-
ted to them?
>Maybe there weren't any, and the guy who told me to leave was
>one of Sane Jonny's lookouts in a fake uniform.
DOUG: (narrator) Or, he might have even been... a Sputnik Nerd!
NYSSA: [whaps DOUG on the head] You had to bring _that_
up, didn't you? And I was just getting over it, too.
>When I rounded the corner, there was a whole platoon of
>soldiers in the same type of uniform standing in formation just
>out of sight of the apartment building.
HELEN: (Eric Idle) And now, a demonstration of some close-
>Luckily, none of them were looking in my direction.
NUMBER ONE: Yep, that's UN troops, all right. Even a platoon
of Ecuadorian llama-rustlers would have enough military skill to
post sentries and establish a secure perimeter.
>At first, I thought they were just staring straight ahead. Then I
DIANE: (narrator) ...they'd been hyp-mo-tized!
>they were looking at a man standing in the shadows.
DOUG: Lot of that going on these days.
>I couldn't see his face - it was hidden in the shadows - in fact,
HELEN: (narrator) ...I couldn't tell if it was a man at all, or merely
a very large begonia.
>all I could tell was that he was wearing a green anorak.
NYSSA: Aaaand, we have our title!
>He seemed to be talking to the soldiers, but his voice didn't
>carry to where I was standing.
DOUG: And you knew that how? You couldn't see his face, and
you couldn't hear his voice...
OTHERS: (singing) ...It's just a 'fic/I should really just relax...
>Suddenly, he was interrupted by a beeping sound.
NUMBER ONE: (anorak-wearing man) The Hot-Pockets are
>After a moment it stopped, and the man in the anorak gave an
HELEN: (anorak-wearing man) You must bring me... a shrubbery!
>The soldiers broke out of formation and melted into the shadows
>around the apartment building.
DIANE: A whole platoon? That's usually, what, thirty or forty
guys? This place must be lit like the inside of a casket!
>The anorak wearing man looked around for a few seconds, then
>disappeared after them.
NYSSA: He's got Mad Wind Ninja Vanishing Skeelz!
>As soon as he was gone, I remembered that I'd brought my
>camera. It's one of those really flash ones
OTHERS: [look at DOUG]
DOUG: (to OTHERS) Get it? Flash? Camera? A camera has
a flash-bulb on it...
OTHERS: [continue to stare blankly]
DOUG: (defensively) Well, I thought it was funny.
>that store the pictures on a memory card instead of film so you
>can put them on your computer.
HELEN: (narrator) I'd been making quite a bit of cash on the
side by posting to my 'Raunchy Amateurs' website.
>It also has a little video screen on the back instead of a view-
>finder. When you set the zoom control it's almost as good for
>looking through distant windows as a camcorder.
HELEN: (narrator) Which is how I started my 'Raunchy Voyeurs'
>I set it so that I'd be ready when I caught another glimpse of the
>anorak wearing man.
DIANE: Damned paparazzi!
>Someone was walking down the street.
NUMBER ONE: He was getting the funniest looks from everyone
DOUG: [nudges NUMBER ONE] Oh, quit Monkeeing around.
>He was short, and his head seemed somehow too big for his
NYSSA: It's a PowerPuff Girl!
>I trained the camera on him. On the viewfinder screen I could
>see he was wearing a cap that hid his face,
NYSSA: It's an Islamic PowerPuff Girl!
>and he was carrying a briefcase.
NYSSA: It's an Islamic PowerPuff Girl from business school!
DIANE: (to NYSSA) I think that's enough of that.
>He headed straight for the apartment building I'd seen Sane
>Jonny enter. So this was Sane Jonny's supplier.
HELEN: ...since obviously there's no _way_ a man in a cap could
be a tenant or the landlord or anything.
>And I couldn't do a thing with those soldiers there. Apart from
>take some photographs, which I did.
DOUG: And lurk in the shadows, don't forget!
>It wasn't until about five minutes after the short guy had gone
>in, when the soldiers melted out of the shadows again near the
>main door of the apartment building, that I realised the truth.
NUMBER ONE: (narrator) My God! It's a _cookbook_!
>They were after Sane Jonny's supplier as well!
HELEN: [snorts] Just a wee bit thick, are we?
>I sneaked closer. The anorak wearing man was standing in a
NYSSA: (hopefully) ...his own gore?
DOUG: (to NYSSA) No, it'll be 'shadow'. Nobody stands any-
where else in this story.
DOUG: (to NYSSA) Told you so. What are these people, Mor-
>near the door. I took some more photos.
>"Are you sure the building's empty?" he asked one of the
DIANE: (soldier, as stoner) Yeah, man! The 'rents are gone, so
feel free to toke up, dude!
>"Positive," the soldier assured him. "I guess they didn't want to
HELEN: And who could blame them? Two young lovers in the
heat of passion...
DOUG and NUMBER ONE: [look sick]
>The anorak wearing man nodded, and waved a hand at his men.
DIANE: (anorak-wearing man, as Mindy) OkayIloveyoubyebye!
>Half of them headed off down the road in the direction the short
>guy had come from.
DOUG: [smirks] That would be to my right, then.
NUMBER ONE: [elbows DOUG] Shut up, Yankee.
>The rest surged through the doors
ALL: (yelling) SUUURRRRGE!!!
>and up the staircase. I followed more cautiously.
NUMBER ONE: (sarcastically) Good job of perimeter security,
there, guys. Jeez, who trained this bunch, Barney Fife?
>When I was halfway up I heard the melodious sound of a door
>being kicked off its hinges.
HELEN: That's melodious?
NUMBER ONE: Compared to Eminem, yes.
>I quickened my pace.
NYSSA: (announcer) Pace 2: the Quickening! Starring Chris-
topher Lambert as Drunken MacLout!
>When I reached the top of the stairs, I saw
DOUG: (sing-song) ...a man who wasn't there/He wasn't there
DIANE: (interrupting) I'll bet he's from the CIA!
>that the door of one of the apartments was lying on the floor.
NYSSA: (shocked) Oh, my God! You killed the door!
OTHERS: You bastards!
>Inside, the soldiers had surrounded Sane Jonny and the short
>guy with the briefcase.
DOUG: (soldier) Give us your lunch money, geeks!
>In the next few seconds, I took some good shots of Sane Jonny
>trying to do a runner and getting knocked out with the butt of a
NUMBER ONE: (Sane Jonny) Oww! Can't we all just get along?
>The short guy didn't seem at all worried.
HELEN: (short man) No sweat. If this deal goes sour, there's
always dwarf-tossing to fall back on.
>Suddenly he turned to look at each soldier, saying, "I am not
>important. You did not see me. I will go now."
DOUG: The Jedi Mind Trick?
DIANE: Before moving to Dagobah, Yoda had a brief involve-
ment with the Australian Mafia...
>Then he walked toward the doorway as if he actually expected
>this to work.
NYSSA: (short man, as Yoda) Later alligator will I see you!
>The anorak wearing man pulled out a small handgun and shot
>his cap off.
DOUG: So, it was a cap gun? [grins]
OTHERS: [groan and throw popcorn at DOUG]
NYSSA: (to DOUG) You know, there were things about you we
didn't miss, and this is one of them.
>He stopped. I took a couple of photos of his face, because I
>wasn't sure I was seeing it right.
DIANE: (narrator, effeminately) He wath wearing _blue_ eye
thadow, when hith thkin tone obviouthly called for _warm_
>From the angle I was on, it looked like he was totally bald and
>had really big eyes that seemed to take up most of his face.
NYSSA: AAAH! It's Happosai! [folds arms protectively over
NUMBER ONE: Happosai?! Quick, girls! Give me all your
underwear for safekeeping!
[NYSSA punches NUMBER ONE out of his seat and begins
kicking him as he lays on the floor in front of her.]
HELEN: (to DIANE) I'd let you guard mine, if I wore any.
DIANE: (to HELEN) I'd sooner shoo buzzards off a gut wagon.
HELEN: (to DIANE, giggling) I love you, too, sweetie!
[NYSSA finally stops kicking NUMBER ONE, who climbs back
into his seat, looking somewhat battered.]
NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE) I hope you learned something from
your little trip to Floor-land, pervert-boy.
NUMBER ONE: (woozy) I sure did. I learned that you have on
[NYSSA blushes, then scowls, then elbows NUMBER ONE in
NUMBER ONE: (high voice) Ooooww... [curls up in agony]
DOUG: (to NYSSA) Leopard-skin?
NYSSA: (to DOUG) Don't make me use this again. [wiggles
>The short guy nodded and threw his briefcase at the nearest
>soldier, who went down as if he'd been hit with a bullet.
DOUG: (short man, as kung-fu actor) Well! Your Drunken
Wallaby Style is very good, but it is no match for the Samsonite
>The soldier next to him leaned down and felt his pulse.
>"Dead," he said, and fell to the ground as well.
NYSSA: (dying soldier) Damn. I thought joining UNIT would
be a better career move than staying in the AD Police...
>The anorak wearing man aimed his gun at the briefcase and
>fired. It exploded, with a very bright flash,
HELEN: Finally! Something in this fanfic isn't in the shadows!
>and for a moment I couldn't see anything. I heard running
>footsteps coming toward me and automatically stuck my foot
NUMBER ONE: [recovers from crotch-shot] (narrator) In
moments of stress, I often perform the 'Hokey-Pokey' as a means
of calming myself.
>My vision came back just in time to see the short guy trip over
>my foot and go rolling down the stairs, landing in a crumpled
>heap at the first turn.
NYSSA: [waves] Have a nice trip!
DIANE: [waves] See you next Fall!
>The anorak wearing man walked over and looked down at him.
>"Thank you," he said,
HELEN: (anorak-wearing man) Pratfalls always make me giggle.
And they say physical humor is a lost art...
>"although I could have sworn someone told you to leave."
>"Yeah, well, I'll just be going now," I said.
ALL: (singing) Hello!/I must be going!
>"Not so fast," said the anorak wearing man. Suddenly, all the
>soldiers who were still standing were pointing their guns at me.
NUMBER ONE: If he feels intimidated by _these_ guys, he's
got to be the biggest wuss in Australia.
>The anorak wearing man took my camera and looked at the
>pictures I'd taken on the view screen.
HELEN: (anorak-wearing man) Hey! You're that bloke who does
the 'Raunchy Amateurs' site, aren't you?
>"Some of these are very good," he said. "You should have been
NYSSA: I'll agree that he should've taken up a different line of
>He ejected the memory card and looked at it. "Address label on
>your memory card in case it gets lost,"
DIANE: (narrator) Actually, it's in case I forget where I live.
>he commented. "Good idea, but suppose a criminal found it.
>Your family and friends might be endangered.
DOUG: (anorak-wearing man, as Fire Marshall Bill) Let's just
suppose that Hitler wasn't really dead. And let's just suppose
some of his depraved Nazi henchmen found your little card, here,
and decided to pay a little visit to your house one night with
their little friend, Mr. Gasoline Bomb. What might happen, then?
Well... LEMME SHOW YA SOMETHING!!
NYSSA: [sighs and smiles wistfully] I so miss Fire Marshall
>Maybe I should hold on to this for safe-keeping." He stuck the
>memory card in his pocket.
>"You can't do this," I said.
HELEN: (anorak-wearing man) You want it back? Just reach
into my pocket and get it, sweetcheeks.
>"Yes, I can," he replied. "There is more going on here than you
DOUG: I think that's the story of his life, pretty much.
>Oh, and I'm afraid you won't get a chance to make your arrest.
>As soon as my other squad finds our short friend's transport, he
>and Mr Ferras are going on a trip,
HELEN: An all-expenses-paid holiday for two in beautiful Slough!
>and they may be gone a long time. A very long time."
NYSSA: (anorak-wearing man) And possibly even longer than
that. Maybe even a while. Maybe a long while. Possibly even
>After that, I was escorted back to my car.
NUMBER ONE: (narrator) Thankfully, my '73 Gremlin was right
where I'd left it, and no one had tried to steal my high-dollar
>There were no more of the strange deaths after that.
DIANE: Hmmm... Coincidence?
>In fact, Sane Jonny went very quiet,
NYSSA: (narrator) We think he may be hunting wabbits.
>and hasn't been heard from since. Neither has the anorak
DOUG: For that matter, we haven't heard much out of Leif
Garrett lately, either.
DIANE: Hmmm... Coincidence?
>None of my colleagues have ever seen him, or even heard of
NUMBER ONE: They obviously don't frequent sci-fi conventions.
>I'm the only one. And I need to talk to him again.
HELEN: (narrator) I think he might just be my soulmate!
DOUG and NUMBER ONE: [look sick]
DIANE: (to DOUG and NUMBER ONE) Oh, come on! With
all the lesbian gags we do, you can at least sit through a few gay
riffs without making faces. So just suck it up and deal.
NUMBER ONE: [looks sicker] I wish you hadn't said 'suck it
DIANE: [rolls eyes]
>Being interested in things like men
NYSSA: Whoa! We were right all along!
>with killer briefcases
HELEN: (narrator) I just love a man who knows how to access-
>and unknown platoons of UN soldiers is part of my job
DOUG: (narrator) I'm a net.kook.
>So I'm going to track him down. It's only a matter of time.
NUMBER ONE: Probably could be done before lunch, given the
level of skill those guys showed earlier.
DIANE: Yeah. They probably have an ad in the phone book
under 'Covert Operatives'.
>I'll let you know what I find out.
NYSSA: Thanks, but, if it's all the same to you, we aren't going
to hold our breaths.
[The screen fades out and the lights come back on.]
ADRIC: (voice-over) Intermission time. You may take a few
minutes to try and rebuild your shattered willpower.
ALL: All right! Let's bail! Yeah!
[All five get up and leave the theater]
Notes - Part One - Part Three - Part Four