[Door sequence: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...]
[SOL bridge interior]
[DIANE is back at the computer again, while DOUG and HELEN
look over her shoulders. NUMBER ONE enters from the right,
smoking a cigarette.]
NUMBER ONE: (to OTHERS) Oh, Hell. Don't tell me y'all are
reading more crap off Usenet. Ain't you getting enough of fanfic
in the Theater?
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE) Nah. We found a different group.
NUMBER ONE: There's _two_ newsgroups about us? [walks
over to computer]
HELEN: No. So far, we've found five.
NUMBER ONE: (shocked) No crap? What the Hell can people
_say_ about us to take up that much bandwidth?
DIANE: [looking at monitor] Well, here on rec.arts.mpt3k, we
have a thread called 'Best Knockers on the Satellite'; another
titled 'Tegan Fans Like MPT3k for the Wrong Reasons'; one
called 'Killfile Them All and Let God Sort Them Out'; and a rather
self-explanatory troll titled 'I Hate Jews'. The rest appears to be a
massive flamewar over whether to start a moderated group so they
don't have to read stupid flamewars.
[A light on the console begins to flash.]
NUMBER ONE: (sourly) And just to add to the hurting, here's
the Get-Along Gang. [presses light]
[Interior back room at This Time Round]
[ADRIC stands behind the console, looking annoyingly pleased
ADRIC: Word up, Wu-Tang Clan. I'd ask how you were doing,
but I don't particularly care. I take it you thought the fic rather
DOUG: Piece o' cake.
HELEN: No big deal.
NUMBER ONE: I've had sandwiches that were more painful.
DIANE: Yeah. I mean, Paul Andinach can at least write coherently.
It's not as if we were reading Nancy Luft.
NUMBER ONE: True. And it had three big advantages over our
usual fare. One, the characters weren't irritatingly self-absorbed.
Two, stuff actually _happened_ in it.
DOUG: (interrupting) Although it happened in the shadows.
NUMBER ONE: And, three, it was _short_.
HELEN: I found it to be even a little bit endearing...
[The OTHERS all stare at HELEN.]
HELEN: ...although that opinion may not be shared by all.
ADRIC: (smugly) And that is _exactly_ what I was hoping for!
The easy session lulls you into a sense of complacency, then I hit
you with the killer rant! And, speaking of hurtful things, where's
little Dr. Trakenstein?
HELEN: In her workshop. She had some sort of experiment going
that she wanted to get back to.
ADRIC: Really? Well, I hope it's going well for her. Because
then it will annoy her that much more when I do _this_! [presses
a large and conspicuous button on the console]
[Various alarms, lights, and sirens go off as general chaos ensues.]
ALL: Aaaah! We've got rant sign!
[ALL run off.]
[Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]
[SOL Theater interior]
[All five enter the theater as usual and take their accustomed
NYSSA: (to OTHERS) Did I miss anything good in Adric's
NUMBER ONE: (to NYSSA) Has Adric _ever_ produced any-
thing you'd worry about missing?
NYSSA: Only his head when viewed through crosshairs.
[A screen in front of the five lights up and words begin to appear
>Here are Twenty Reasons WHY you should, if qualified,
>join, aid and support the White Knights of the
>KU KLUX KLAN:
DOUG: (author) We would've had more, but that was as high as
any of us could count. And that was with our shoes off.
HELEN: If they'd drop their pants, they could count to twenty-
>1. Because it is a Christian, fraternal and benevolent
DIANE: Um, where in the Bible does it say, "Thou shalt wear a
bedsheet and act like thou hast goat manure between thine ears"?
DOUG: The KKK can be called 'benevolent' in the same way the
IRA could be called 'civic-minded'.
>2. Because it is a democratic organization, governed by its
NUMBER ONE: Yep, I'd have to agree that the Klan is governed
by a bunch of 'members' all right.
>3. Because it is a democratic and just organization.
NYSSA: Just think of them as a Rotary Club for toothless, inbred
>4. Because it is a working organization
DOUG: ...unlike its members.
HELEN: Or its members' members.
>which not only talks but ACTS.
NUMBER ONE: While everyone else LAUGHS.
NYSSA: And, let's be clear on this. We are laughing _at_ you,
not _with_ you.
>5. Because it is a very secret organization and no one will
>know that you are a member.
HELEN: [sighs] So many penis puns to make, so little time...
>6. Because it is a legal organization and no one can be
>prosecuted for being a member.
DIANE: True. But being a village idiot isn't a crime either, and
is a more honorable line of work.
>7. Because it is a politically independent organization,
DOUG: Which is because, like a fart in church, nobody wants to
>and is not pledged to any political party.
NUMBER ONE: They would've voted Reform, but that pesky
free-love hippy Pat Buchanan got the nomination.
>8. Because it is a Pro-American organization that opposes any
>thing, person or organization that is Un-American.
HELEN: Ah, Americans. The people whose ancestors were
kicked out of every _decent_ country in the world.
DOUG: (to HELEN) Every decent country and _Britain_, you
HELEN: [cups hand to ear] Eh? Did I just hear someone from
the nation of rebellious mongrels say something?
DOUG: [cups hand to ear] What was that? Was that the voice
of someone from a second-rate, has-been world power?
HELEN: (to DOUG, angrily) Oh, really?! Well, bring it on, and I'll
show you who's a has-been power. I'll take on the lot of you
Yanks! All three of you! [raises whip]
NUMBER ONE: (indignantly) I ain't no Yankee! Take that back!
[DOUG and HELEN glare at one another.]
NYSSA: [looking at OTHERS] This tribalism of yours is quite
fascinating. Will you be shaking your spears at each other next?
[DOUG and HELEN continue to glare at each other for a moment,
then HELEN suddenly smiles and touches DOUG on the cheek.]
HELEN: (to DOUG, huskily) You're so manly when you're angry.
It really turns me on!
DOUG: AAAAH! [blushes and jumps away]
HELEN: Tee-hee! I win! Rule Brittania!
>9. Because it is an organization that is sworn to uphold the
>lawful Constitution of the United States of America.
DIANE: That being the one that has the words, "...except for the
Coloreds" at the end of each Amendment.
>10 Because it is composed of native-born, white, gentile and
>protestant American citizens who are sound of mind and of good
NUMBER ONE: Oh, yes. When I think of sound minds and good
morals, three things always come to mind: Boy Scouts; Mormons;
and the Ku Klux Klan.
>11. Because the goals of the KKK are the total segregation of
DIANE: Actually, that's a pretty good idea. You should get on
it right this instant. You lot all head off by yourselves somewhere,
and the rest of us will be along later. Go on! Hup to it! And, don't
wait up for us, okay?
>and the total destruction of communism in all its forms.
NUMBER ONE: Not a bad goal. And, if communism is vulnerable
to bad hygiene and dull incomprehension, the Klan might be the
>12. Because the KKK has twice saved this nation from
>destruction as history clearly records.
HELEN: ...in much the same way that Baader-Meinhof saved
DOUG: They saved the US economy by preventing the collapse
of the mobile home and bail-bond industries.
>13. Because there comes a time in the life of every man when
>he has to choose between the right ot wrong side of life.
NYSSA: (cowboy) A Klan's gotta do what a Klan's gotta do.
>14. Because there are today many alien forces entering the
>United States of America bent upon its destruction.
NYSSA: [snickers] Oh, like we'd really have to try.
>15. Because it informs its members, and an informed citizen
>is a good citizen.
DOUG: (author) ...as long as he's not black or a Catholic or
something dangerous like that.
DIANE: (monotone) And all good citizens are informers. Praise
the Computer! Glory to Alpha Complex!
HELEN: (to DIANE) Feeling a little _paranoid_?
>16. Because a Christian-like brotherhood among men must be
>revived in America.
NUMBER ONE: You know, when I think of brotherhood among
men, three things always come to mind: Jesus Christ; Martin
Luther King; and the Ku Klux Klan.
>17. Because on of the goals of the KKK is States' Rights and
>complete State Sovereignty.
NYSSA: That's right! Full independence and sovereignty for
the States of Denial, Confusion, and Bankruptcy!
>18. Because neither the Conservatives nor the Liberals will
DOUG: (author) ...condone intrafamilial sexual relations,
>save out nation, for patriots always save a nation.
>19. Because it is clear now that if communism is to be
>defeated in America, it will be done in the South.
NUMBER ONE: (snottily) Actually, the simplest way to defeat
the Commies in America would be to nuke Berkeley, the Yale
University English Department, and Gary Trudeau's house.
DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE) That's right. You're the one who
keeps calling Oliver North a 'knee-jerk pinko liberal', aren't you?
>20. Because the KKK needs you today to help fight America's
NYSSA: (author) ...since we surely aren't going to do it.
> The White Knights of the KU KLUX KLAN of Mississippi
[DIANE suddenly stands up in her seat, her hands clutched
dramatically at her chest. She takes a deep breath, then begins to
DIANE: (singing to the tune of 'Nights in White Satin')
o/~ Knights in white bedsheets.
A bunch of cowardly twats.
Crosses they burn up
Those idiot clots.
You Jews, Blacks, and Mexicans
Orientals and more
Having to treat you as equals
Makes the Klan mighty sore.
And they loathe you!
And resent you!
Oh, how they haaaate you!
[DIANE bows and sits back down as the OTHERS applaud.]
>is, of necessity, a SECRET organization.
DOUG: For some reason, that line makes me picture Xellos the
Trickster Priest in a KKK robe.
NUMBER ONE: (to DOUG) They wouldn't let him join. Mazoku
are one of 'them inferior races'.
>The administration of our National Government is now under
>the actual control of
HELEN: ...a band of trained mice, or so it looks from where I'm
>atheists who are Bolsheviks by nature.
NYSSA: The old nature vs. nurture argument, is it?
DIANE: Good question. Is Bolshevism something you're born
with, or is it a lifestyle choice?
NUMBER ONE: (to DIANE) Neither. It's a disease caused by
over-exposure to bearded economics professors.
>As dedicated agents of Satan,
DOUG: Since when did atheists start believing in Satan?
>they are absolutely determined to destroy Christian Civilization
HELEN: Oxymorons, anyone?
DIANE: (to HELEN) And paganism's great contribution to world
civilization is what? Aside from dead goats.
HELEN: [thinks] Umm... orgies?
>and all Christians. We have nothing dishonorable to hide, but
>we must remain SECRET,
NYSSA and DIANE: (singing) Do you want to know a secret?/
Do you promise not to tell...?
>for the protection of our lives and families.
NUMBER ONE: ...from fatal humiliation.
> All of our members must meet a strict set of requirements:
HELEN: A minimum length of two inches and a thickness of not
less than ten percent of total length. Actual functional ability is
not required, and indeed is actively discouraged.
> We are looking for, and enlisting ONLY: Sober,
DOUG: (author) No drinking before breakfast.
HELEN: (author) Housebroken, at least.
NYSSA: (author) Like an attack rabbit.
DIANE: (author) Provided you ignore all that hippy-trippy New
>American, White men
NUMBER ONE: [looks at DOUG] Actually, most of y'all are a
sort of pale grayish-pink color...
>who are consciously and fully aware of the basic FACT that the
>physical life and earthly destiny are absolutely bound up
DOUG: ...in a tangled web of self-deception and bigotry caused
by their own low sense of self-worth.
NUMBER ONE: (to DOUG) Thank you, Dr. Doug. So, your
final analysis is that the KKK are all victims of low self-esteem?
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE) That's not exactly it. My analysis
is that they _have_ low self-esteem, but the only thing they are
victims of is chronic twathood.
>with the Survival of this Nation, under God. Our governmental
>principles are precisely those of the ORIGINAL U.S. Constitution.
DIANE: The one where slavery was still legal.
>Our members are Christians who are anxious to preserve
NUMBER ONE: ...some peaches and maybe even some blackberry
NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE) Ku Klux Kanning, is it?
>not only their
>souls for all Eternity, but who are MILITANTLY
ALL: Aah! Don't shout!
HELEN: (annoyed) Dammit, what did we just tell you?
>God willing, to save their lives, and the Life of this Nation, in
>order that their descendants shall enjoy
DOUG: (ominous voice) ...the blessings of PUDDING.
>the same, full, God-given blessings of True Liberty that we
>have been permitted to enjoy up to now.
DIANE: Freedom from baths. Freedom from literacy. Freedom
from sexual restraint with regard to one's blood relatives...
> We do not accept Jews, because they reject Christ,
HELEN: And they did it over the phone, too. What a low way
to be dumped.
>and, through the machinations of their International Banking
NYSSA: (announcer) ...now with six convenient drive-through
locations in the metro area!
>are at the root center of what we call "communism" today.
DOUG: So, the evil arch-capitalists are at the root of the evil anti-
capitalist movement? Am I reading that right?
> We do not accept Papists, because they bow to a
NUMBER ONE: I guess they should be 'Sieg Heil'-ing to a
German dictator instead, huh?
>in direct violation of the First Commandment,
>and the True American Spirit of Responsible, Individual
HELEN: Well. And here I thought the True American Spirit was:
If you can't screw it, drive it, or eat it, you don't need it.
> We do not accept Turks, Mongols, Tarters,
DIANE: What a pity. I'd have thought Tamerlane would fit right
in with this bunch.
>Orientals, Negroes, nor any other person
NYSSA: ...with an IQ larger than their waist size.
>whose native background of culture is foreign to the Anglo-
>Saxon system of Government by
NYSSA: ...Alfred the Great.
DIANE: Well, my family's Welsh, so I guess that rules me out.
Inferior Celtic blood, and all that, darn it.
DOUG: Irish/Polish here, dagnabbit.
NUMBER ONE: Chickasaw/Irish for me, so I guess I'll be working
the fields for my pasty Anglo brethren after the Klan triumphs.
HELEN: (to OTHERS) Ahem. As the sole Anglo-Saxon aboard
this satellite, let me just say that I feel no sense of racial superiority.
I wish to be worshipped solely for my divine talents, my incredible
beauty, and my magnificent chest, and not out of any sense of
ethnic supremacy. I want you to lick my boots for the _right_
>responsible, FREE individual citizens.
> Our governmental system is a Constitutional Republic,
>primarily designed to protect the Responsible, Individual
>Citizens from all tyranny:
NYSSA: ...but which seems completely powerless to stop the
scourge of random capitalization.
>which selects its representatives by both the direct and the
>indirect Democratic process;
NUMBER ONE: You can either buy your own legislator or just
lease one from the Kennedy clan's huge inventory.
>and recognizes the necessity for the existence of an effective
>Loyal Opposition to any current Administration.
DOUG: We're also blessed with a Lobotomized Opposition, the
Reform Party, and a Loony Opposition, the Green Party.
>This type of Governmental System is unique, and found only
>where Anglo-Saxons control the Governmental Machinery of a
DIANE: That's a nice phrase, 'governmental machinery'. Makes
it sound more like the government is a smooth-running device
for getting things done rather than a huge, bloated parasite that sucks the
life from everything it touches.
HELEN: (to DIANE) Tax-time in America, is it?
>With rare exceptions, people of other backgrounds simply
>cannot comprehend the Anglo-Saxon principle of "Equal
>Justice under Law"
DOUG: [looks around worriedly] Did we just slip into Bizzaro-
World, or something? Since when did the Klan start believing in
NUMBER ONE: (to DOUG) Since they decided to try and seem
more like patriotic Americans and less like a bunch of fascist shits.
>and the fact that EVERY "Right" must be balanced by an
HELEN: (author) For instance, Blacks have the right to live,
provided they accept their responsibility to pick cotton and call
NYSSA: [laughs darkly] Perhaps we can introduce these 'gentle-
men' to Roz Forrester someday.
>The inherent balance and reason of this system has little or no
>attraction for these persons of alien culture.
DIANE: Actually, doesn't it seem odd that virtually all alien
societies in sci-fi are monarchies or dictatorships of one sort or
NYSSA: (to DIANE) We all decided that it was easier to just let
the same crooks steal from us all the time rather than electing a
whole new set every few years. 'The Devil you know', and all
>The generally prefer to shirk Individual Responsibility,
> grab up as much material wealth as they can,
NYSSA: I begin to think Graham Woodland might've been right
on the money. Perhaps it _would_ be best for you humans to all
be ruled by one powerful, enlightened, incorruptible authority
figure. Particularly if said figure was also drop-dead gorgeous
and had naturally curly hair.
NUMBER ONE: (to NYSSA) Can I run your Ministry of Fear?
>and accept Centralized Authority and Dictatorship,
DOUG: (Michael Palin) They need to realize that supreme exe-
cutive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from
some farcical aquatic ceremony!
>in the hope that they can buy special favors and privileges for
DIANE: You can get them half-price at K-Mart.
> The conflict between these two attitudes has now become a
>Life and Death matter in America.
NUMBER ONE: (tiredly) I have my doubts about that, given
that the average American's intellectual depth can barely even
accommodate the conflict between Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd,
much less sociopolitical theory.
NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE) Get cynical much?
NUMBER ONE: [shrugs] I love America, but I've learned not
to expect too much from most of my countrymen.
HELEN: [looks pityingly at NUMBER ONE] I was going to say
something really snide and jingoistic, but now I don't have the
>The people of the non-American cultures CAN and COULD
> live under the Anglo-Saxon System, but they prefer to see it
DOUG: So they formed into two armies under William of Nor-
mandy and Harald Hardraada in an attempt to divide King
>The true American Anglo-Saxons,
NUMBER ONE: ...as opposed to us immigrant wetbacks who
only beat you to this country by 20,000 years.
>on the other hand, CAN NOT live under a Dictatorship!
DIANE: Not unless you're the ones running it, anyway.
> This issue is clearly one of personal physical SELF-DEFENSE
DOUG: No, I'd say the issue is clearly one of personal mental
HELEN: They should switch to personal physical self-stimulation.
At least it would keep their hands busy.
>or DEATH for the American Anglo Saxons. The Anglo-Saxons
>have no choice but to
DOUG: ...take up their swords and sally forth into battle with
the Pictish hordes!
>defend our Constitutional Republic by every means at their
DIANE: You know, forget Roz. I'd like to introduce these guys
to a bunch of Black and Hispanic combat vets, and see what they
have to say about these guys 'defending the Republic by any
means'. [chuckles evilly]
NUMBER ONE: Or Indian vets...
DOUG: Or Catholic or Jewish vets, for that matter.
HELEN: (to OTHERS) You lot just want to get these poor little
bigots killed, don't you? Not that I disapprove...
DIANE: (to HELEN, shocked) What? Absolutely not! No, no.
Painfully injured, certainly, but nothing some minor surgery
couldn't set right...
>because it is, LITERALLY, their LIFE. They will die without it.
NYSSA: You're confusing government and air, again.
> If you are a Christian, American Anglo-Saxon
DOUG: ...then you almost certainly know better than to listen to
this bunch of wieners.
>who can understand the simple Truth of this Philosophy,
NUMBER ONE: I understand the simple truth that you're talking
out of your ass.
>you belong in the White Knights of the KU KLUX KLAN
NYSSA: Or in a competent mental-health facility.
>of Mississippi. We need your help right away.
HELEN: You _do_ need help. I think we can all agree on that.
>Get your Bible out and PRAY!
DIANE: (praying) O Lord, please don't let my children grow up
to be ignorant trash like this guy...
>You will hear from us.
HELEN: Yeah, right. Men _always_ say that.
[The lights come back on and ALL get up and leave the theater.]