[Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]
[SOL, Theater interior]
[The five enter the theater from a door on the right, all carrying
popcorn and drinks. NYSSA takes the aisle seat, with NUMBER
ONE on her left, then DOUG, then HELEN, then DIANE on the
far left end. NUMBER ONE's hair is no longer slicked down and
the ink has been wiped off her face.]
DOUG: So, I wonder if a meteor really is going to hit Outside?
NYSSA: Well, if anybody should know about objects plunging
into planets, it's Adric.
[A screen in front of the five lights up and words begin to appear
>From: Charles Daniels (email@example.com)
NUMBER ONE: [cheers up] Charlie Daniels?! All RIGHT!
CDB! CDB! Play 'Birmingham Blues'! Charlie!
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE) That's not _Charlie_ Daniels, the
singer, it's _Charles_ Daniels, the RADWer.
NUMBER ONE: [looks crushed] So, no 'Caballo Diablo'? No
'Behind Your Eyes'?
DOUG: 'Fraid not. Probably get a bunch of rec.arts.drwho inside
NUMBER ONE: Wonderful. Remind me to look into explosive
decompression as a career option when this is over with.
>Subject: New Anniversary Special
HELEN: The best darned newsgroup on Usenet!
NYSSA: (to HELEN, low) Still schmoozing for an Adric Award,
HELEN: (to NYSSA) Quiet, you.
DIANE: It's true enough, but not much of a compliment. Kind of
like saying, 'The smartest guy in Arkansas.'
>View: (This is the only article in this thread) | Original Format
>THE DEATH OF DOCTOR WHO
DOUG: It was Professor Cornell, in the Study, with a Typewriter.
>The Anniversary Special From Hell
>By Charles Daniels
>(A long scenic shot of a beautiful garden. Peaceful, Doctor Who
>anniversary music fills the air.
NUMBER ONE: Specifically, the techno-rap version of 'Muskrat
Love', performed by Robert Goulet and Motorhead.
>The 1st Doctor and Susan make their way down a footpath
>as they admire the view. Butterflies fly down from the air to
>land on the Doctor's shoulders as they finally come to a well and
>take a short rest)
NYSSA: Generic idyllic settings really put a strain on the old
ticker, I suppose.
>(Coming the other direction down the footpath is the 2nd
>Doctor, Jamie, and Victoria. They jovially prance
DOUG: Men in skirts really, _really_ shouldn't prance.
HELEN: Oh, I don't know about that...
>and joke about together as they approach THE ORIGINAL
>Doctor and his granddaughter.)
NUMBER ONE: (Jamie) Och, Susan! Want to play with my
DIANE: (Susan) I'm still sore from 'sheathe the claymore' last
>(The first Doctor looks up, noticing the new arrivals for the first
>1st Doctor: Hello my dear boy! What are you doing here, hmm?
DIANE: (1st Doctor, slyly) Are those Recorder Boy jeans you're
>(The 2nd Doctor extends both his arms in a double
>handshake...and doesn't let go. The handshakes goes on
HELEN: (singing) Don't let these shakes go on/It's time we had
a break from it...
>for several moments before the 1st Doctor becomes worried.
DIANE: (1st Doctor) I say, are you coming on to me, hmmm?
>Trying to free his hands the 1st Doctor is startled as the 2nd
>Doctor screams and starts pulling on him. The old man
>stumbles under the force of the 2nd Doctor's strength and falls
>into well, splashing to his doom!)
NYSSA: ...with such force that the well's definite article was
knocked completely out of the story.
DOUG: They say physical humor is a lost art, but this story...
apparently hasn't started looking for it yet.
>2nd Doctor: I'm the Doctor now!! I'm the Doctor now!!
NYSSA: Now we know why they were rationing exclamation
points back in '99.
NUMBER ONE: (to NYSSA) You just don't understand comedy.
See, to get the full impact of subtle humor, you need lots and lots
of exclamation points. It's _funny_ dammit.
DIANE: That's the same theory Gilbert Gottfried and Bobcat
Goldthwait both subscribe to...
>SUSAN: You killed Grandfather!
>2nd: Oh yes I did, well I can be a bit naughty can't I? One can't
>be nice ALL the time.
NUMBER ONE: You can through the miracle of Ritalin.
NYSSA: (announcer) That's Ritalin! No need for parenting
skills when you've got Ritalin at hand!
>SUSAN: You're not going to kill me too, are you?
>2nd Doctor: No, no, of course not. You're my granddaughter
>SUSAN: Oh, thank Rassilon's Sash!
HELEN: (Susan) Thank Omega's Cummerbund! Thank Flavia's
Garter-belt! Thank Borusa's Jockstrap! Thank Rodan's Little
Pink Lacy Panties That She Only Wears When Maxil Comes Over
>2nd Doctor: (evil look) Jamie, Victoria! You know what to do!
NUMBER ONE: (Jamie) Aye! I'll be gettin' the pudding and the
harness-racing rig! Victoria, fetch yer sheep costume!
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE) I'm glad to see your bitterness is
finally giving way to your perversity.
NUMBER ONE: (to DOUG, suspiciously) That sounds like a
DOUG: (firmly) Not no, but _Hell_ no.
>(Jamie and Victoria rush Susan, tying her up, punching her only
>occasionally, and pick her up in between them)
DIANE: Heh. Susan's been picked up so many times, she's
>2nd Doctor: Now when I say "heave", HEAVE! (pause)
HELEN: Funny, that's what I've been doing since the beginning of
>(Jamie and Victoria heave Susan into the well, screaming, and
>with a splash she too is disposed of. The Doctor is absolutely
DOUG: (2nd Doctor) Ding-dong-dell! Susie's in the well!
>2nd Doctor: Oh great jumping gobstoppers! I always wanted to
NYSSA: (author) What's this 'in-character' concept I keep
DIANE: (to NYSSA) You're the _last_ one who should be
bringing that up, dear...
>Victoria: You're so evil at times!
>2nd Doctor: Yes, yes I am. Thank you for the observation
>(A young woman, Jo, walks up and puts her arms around Jamie.)
HELEN: (Jo) Hi! Nice skirt. Can I borrow it?
>Jo: Hello there soldier. I heard you were the template for a
>whole race of Daleks. Daleks are so sexy.
NUMBER ONE: Daleks, the ultimate phallic symbols.
HELEN: Knobbed, for her pleasure!
>Jamie: Oh, aye, eh?
DOUG: I thought Jamie was Scottish, not a Canucklehead.
>2nd Doctor: I know that hippy chick!
>Jamie: Oh, eh, you remembering your own future again then
>2nd Doctor: (pointing at Jo) It's a trap!
NYSSA: No, that's a bimbo. [points] The trap is over there.
>3rd Doctor: (Appearing out of nowhere) Quite indeed my dear
>(2nd Doctor turns around terrified)
>2nd Doctor: My dear giddy aunt, gazooks, and gazads!
DIANE: (announcer) The part of the Second Doctor will now be
played by Dr. Seuss.
>3rd Doctor: You always were a man for words!
>Victoria: (Looking concerned) Who are you?
DOUG: (3rd Doctor, as Michael Keaton) I'm Batman.
>3rd Doctor: I *AM* The Doctor!
>2nd Doctor: What are you doing here?
NUMBER ONE: (3rd Doctor, as Graham Chapman) I seek the
DOUG: (2nd Doctor, as Terry Gilliam) What... is the airspeed
velocity of a fully-laden swallow?
NUMBER ONE: (3rd Doctor, as Graham Chapman) African or
DOUG: (2nd Doctor, as Terry Gilliam) Uh, I don't know--
DIANE: (to audience) The 'Bridge of Death' sketch, ladies and
>3rd Doctor: I've just come to show you my Venusian nerve grip
>2nd Doctor: Don't you mean Vulcan nerve pinch?
HELEN: Feh! Those are nothing compared to the dreaded Ogron
>3rd Doctor: Same difference.
NUMBER ONE: Ah. We have a joke here, I think. See, he's
pointing out that 'Doctor Who' may have taken some stuff from
'Star Trek'. It's _funny_, dammit.
NYSSA: [shrugs] Maybe it needs some exclamation points...
>(The 3rd Doctor reaches out and crushes the 2nd Doctor's
DOUG: (flatly) May I be excused? I don't think the non-stop
heartpounding action scenes are good for my nerves.
HELEN: [raps DOUG on the head with her whip] You aren't
British enough to use that much sarcasm, darling.
>3rd Doctor: Poor fellow, what could he do? I was after all
>friends with Adolf Hitler.
DIANE: (3rd Doctor) Actually, I was just using him to get to
Hermann Goering. Ooh, Hermie...
>(Jo looks up from Jamie surprised)
>JO: You never mentioned that before!
NYSSA: Even the 'o' in her name was distended from the shock.
>3rd Doctor: Yes him, me and Mao Tse Tung used to raise a hell
NUMBER ONE: I think it's... Yes, it's another joke. See, 'cause
the Third Doctor said one time that he knew Chairman Mao, so
now he's pointing out that the Third Doc likes to pal around with
genocidal dictators. It's _funny_, dammit.
>That was after my brief stint as Ghangis Khan.
DOUG: ...distant cousin of _Ghengis_ Khan.
>Still, that's all in the past, or is it the future? Nevermind, be a
>good girl, come along Jo.
HELEN: (3rd Doctor) And make sure you bring your latex
>JO: But what about the Doctor's companions? Shouldn't we kill
>3rd Doctor: Oh thanks for reminding me. No, I think I have a
>gimmicky gadget that will fix everything.
DIANE: (Inspector Gadget) Go-go Gadget Plot Device!
>(The Doctor produces a long silver object)
HELEN: (lewdly) Saaaaayy...
DIANE: The Dildo of Rassilon.
NYSSA and DOUG: (shocked) DIANE!
DIANE: [smirks] Oh, like you weren't all thinking that, too.
>Jo: The sonic screwdriver? Can that thing do EVERYTHING?
>3rd Doctor: This isn't the sonic screwdriver. It's a little memory
>erasing device called-
NUMBER ONE: ...a big, fat Rasta joint.
>JO: The Neuralizer.
>3rd Doctor: Yes, however did you know?
>Jo: I'm beginning to think I've seen most the films you've nicked
>the ideas of your gimmicky gadgets from.
DIANE: Tip from me to you, Jo. Keep him away from the
'Urotsukidoji' tapes. Trust me, your orifices will thank you for it.
[DOUG nods agreement, looking a bit greenish]
HELEN: (confused) What's this 'Erotic-sucky-doobie' movie,
NYSSA: (to HELEN) That's 'Urotsukidoji', and I can give you the
key concept in four words: 'Nazi Death-Rape Machine'. Shall I go
on to the bits about the tentacles?
HELEN: [looks a bit sick] Um, no, that'll cover it for me, I think.
>(The 3rd Doctor gives Jo a sour look and flashy things Jamie and
NUMBER ONE: (Jamie, in pain) AAAH! My eyes!
>3rd: There, now they've forgotten that they've ever travelled with
DIANE: Turn that thing this way and make us forget what we're
>(The 3rd Doctor boldly strides away with confidence,
NYSSA: As opposed to boldly striding in abject fear.
>when he suddenly slips up into the air and falls into the well
>with a splash!
[ALL hold up scorecards: 5.5; 4.0; 4.5; 2.0; 5.0]
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE) Only 2.0?
NUMBER ONE: I'm being the snotty French judge.
>Looking over the well we see the 4th Doctor has successfully
>tripped the 3rd on his scarf!)
DOUG: (Mortal Kombat announcer) Fourth Doctor wins...
>4th Doctor: (smiling) Have a nice trip! See you next fall!
ALL: (singing) We're sending our love down the well/To a little
kid who's trapped there halfway to Hell...
>Sarah Jane: (now magically near Doctor) That's just childish!
HELEN: Yes, but what's sad is that he's actually in-character.
>4th Doctor: What's the fun of being an adult if you can't kill
>yourself and make childish puns afterwards?
DOUG: (Arthur Dent) That's deep. You should send that to
'Reader's Digest'. They've got a page for people like you.
>Sarah Jane: Anyway I don't see the point of all this killing in the
NUMBER ONE: They're fighting to see who gets to face Shang
Tsung in the Final Round.
DIANE: I never cared about that. I just liked killing that smarmy
jackass Johnny Cage over and over.
>4th Doctor: Each of my regenerations has been gathered to fight
>until one true Doctor emerges. To quote an old earth film
>"There can be only one."
NYSSA: Great. It's 'Wholander: the Sickening'.
>(The 5th Doctor approaches with a hand held laser weapon)
NUMBER ONE: (Senator Schumer, shrilly) Once again, the
National Hand Held Laser Weapon Association's opposition to
sensible hand held laser weapon control laws has led to tragedy!
There's blood on the NHHLWA's hands!
DOUG: But Gallifrey already has a three-decade 'cooling-off
period' on hand held laser weapon purchases...
>5th Doctor: That's right. And that will be me.
>4th Doctor: You're carrying a gun! How very unsporting of you!
DIANE: It's perfectly sporting as long as you shoot your Time
Lords on the wing and you don't bait your fields.
>5th Doctor: You're not the real Doctor are you?
>4th Doctor: My dear chap, however did you deduce that?
>5th Doctor: An anniversary special, and you're here.
NUMBER ONE: See, 'cause Tom Baker didn't show up for the
'Five Doctors' special, now he's pointing out that it must be a
habit of his to miss them. It's _funny_, dammit.
DOUG: But, you can hardly call missing one special a habit...
NUMBER ONE: Shut up! This is comedy, not rocket science!
NYSSA: Actually, it's about as far from comedy as it is from
>4th Doctor: Well it had to happen eventually you know.
DOUG: [laughs] Get it? He said 'well', and he just knocked the
Third Doctor down a well...
OTHERS: [stare at DOUG]
DOUG: _Well_, I think it's funny! Heh heh... 'Well'. Ha ha. I
NYSSA: (to DOUG) If you don't, I might.
>Now look, why don't you put away that silly gun and we can
>have a chat, ok?
DIANE: ('Jeopardy' contestant) I'll take 'Famous Last Words' for
>5th Doctor: I must kill you. I must be THE Doctor.
HELEN: Don't worry, dear. To legions of drooling fangirls, you
>4th Doctor: Yes, but I'll be a really nice guy and never bother
>you ever, ever if you let me and my travelling companion escape.
>I'll be super nice with sugar on top!
DOUG: I wonder what the exact legal definition of 'super nice
with sugar on top' is in a verbal contract? I'll have to ask Siobhan
>5th Doctor: Really?
>4th Doctor: Oh yes, most definitely. Won't we Sarah Jane?
>Sarah Jane: Whatever you say Doctor.
HELEN: (5th Doctor) Actually, you could just let Sarah Jane be
super-nice to me...
>5th Doctor: Promise?
NYSSA: (4th Doctor, as Miranda Richardson) Cross my heart
and hope to be spanked until my bottom goes purple.
>4th Doctor: Promise.
>(The 5th Doctor puts away the gun)
>5th Doctor: Oh alright. I guess I have your word.
>(The 4th Doctor smiles, and then kung fu kicks the 5th Doctor
>into the well, with a splash)
NYSSA: You know, there are all kinds of Freudian ramifications to
the author's obsession with people falling down wells. The well
may symbolize latent activity of the feminine aspect...
NUMBER ONE: (sourly) Let's not discuss feminine aspects, shall
>4th Doctor: Poor bastard. He should know never to trust
>Sarah Jane: But you're not a stranger!
DOUG: He's the strangest man I know.
>4th Doctor: I'm the strangest man I know.
DOUG: Bleah. Now I feel dirty.
>(Tegan rushes up to the Doctor and Sarah Jane looking
ALL: Throw her down the well! Throw her down the well!
>TEGAN: Have either of you seen the Doctor? He promised to
>take me home!
NYSSA: (innocently) He did, too. She used to scream, 'Take me
home, baby!' every time they'd go in the Rain Room together.
HELEN: (to NYSSA, eagerly) Really?!
NYSSA: Yes... In her dreams.
>DOCTOR: I'm sorry, I think I just kicked your Doctor down the
>TEGAN: What?? HOW AM I GOING TO GET HOME!?!?
DIANE: Screaming like a banshee with PMS. Looks like
Tegan's in-character, at least.
>I really liked the Doctor! He was so kind and cute, and...I
>wanted to take him home...I MEAN I wanted him to take ME
>home. And Now he can't!
DOUG: Big whoop. You spent three seasons yelling at him for
not being able to manage it, so you ought to be used to the idea.
>(A frustrated Tegan knees the Doctor in the groin, he falls to the
>ground in pain)
NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE, brightly) See, now there's an
advantage of your being stuck this way. You can't be the subject
of a cheap crotch-shot any more...
NUMBER ONE: (grumbling) With all due respect, put a sock in
>Doctor: It's the end....
>Tegan: Oh don't be so mellow dramatic!
NYSSA: 'Mellow dramatic'? Is that anything like 'melodramatic'?
DOUG: Nah. It's like a really laid-back sort of drama. Like 'Hamlet'
on quaaludes. (stoner voice) To be, or not to be... Like, what was
>Doctor: I'm going to die...ahhhhhhhhhhh!
>Sarah Jane: You'll feel better later, you'll be okay, YOU MUST
HELEN: Dear, the Caps Lock key is not our friend...
>Doctor: It's the end...and I should have been better prepared for.
>Tegan: I put up with this crap once before.
DIANE: Isn't she a sensitive little wallaby-humper?