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> >(The Doctor closes his eyes, and begins to change) > >(The 6th Doctor leaps up) NYSSA: ...then immediately keels over from the unaccustomed exertion. > >6th Doctor: Change! And I'm not talking about my pay check! > >Tegan & Sarah Jane: Doctor? Is that You? DIANE: (sarcastically) No, geniuses, it's your Uncle Jim-Bob from Shreveport. > >6th Doctor: Yes, I'm afraid it is. Now where is that annoying >American woman with the massive cleavage. DOUG: Sitting to my immediate right... NUMBER ONE: [punches DOUG halfway out of his seat] NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE) Was that for calling you an 'annoying American' or for saying you have 'massive cleavage'? NUMBER ONE: Both! DOUG: [rubs jaw] You'd rather I called you flat-chested? NUMBER ONE: [cringes] Just don't even bring it up! DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE) You mean 'bring _them_ up'. NUMBER ONE: [crosses arms over chest and sulks] HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE, comfortingly) There, there, darling. Bosoms are our perky bouncy friends! >I feel a certain longing for her presence....... HELEN: He has a crap-accent fetish. DIANE: Kind of like Spike the vampire's fangirls do. >well nevermind! I shall be the longest living Doctor of them >all. NYSSA: You know, I've seen ironic foreshadowing before, but this is the first time I've actually been held down and bludgeoned with it. >I shall go to brave new worlds, boldly seek out new dimensions >and new civilizations. Travel where no time traveller has ever >gone before. HELEN: (6th Doctor) And shag a bunch of green chicks, who will each conveniently be killed off before the episode ends. > >(The Doctor approaches a TARDIS console mysteriously left in >the middle of the field. DOUG: I thought they were in a garden? NYSSA: The author hasn't been paying attention, either. NUMBER ONE: A TARDIS console up on blocks in the middle of a field, with the Time-Rotor hanging from a chain hoist in a chinaberry tree. A not-uncommon sight in southern Gallifrey. DIANE: All it needs is a George Wallace bumpersticker. >Sarah Jane and Tegan are suspicious of it, but the Doctor strides >up with confidence) NYSSA: (bored) ...and then gets knocked into well, with a splash. DOUG: (to NYSSA) No, no. Only _odd-numbered_ Doctors get thrown down the well. Even-numbered Doctors die from non-fatal injuries to the torso. NUMBER ONE: (to NYSSA) Yeah, Nyssa. You just don't understand comedy at all, do you? > >(A strange, small Scottish fellow emerges from behind the >console) DOUG: It's Mad MacAdder, the most dangerous man to ever wear a skirt in Europe. > >7th Doctor: I have awaited your coming since the beginning of >time. HELEN: I used to feel like that with this one boyfriend I had; used to take forever to-- DIANE: (interrupting) You're doing that 'over-sharing' thing again. > >6th Doctor: I admire your taste, NUMBER ONE: Just like chicken! >still I wonder how many beings would gratefully make the same >claim. > >(The 7th Doctor wraps his arm around the 6th Doctor's shoulder) DOUG: Wow. He's doing a Third-Level Cuddly Amazon Glomp. DIANE: (7th Doctor, as Shampoo the Amazon) Husband! Husband come to take Seventh Doc on date, yes? > >7th Doctor: The console now works perfectly except for one >minor malfunction. NYSSA: The clock flashes '12:00' all the time. >Take a look..HERE! HELEN: And he pushed him down the well. NUMBER ONE: (to HELEN) No, no. Haven't you been paying attention? Odd-numbered Docs go in the well, even-numbers get blunt trauma. It's _funny_, dammit. > >(The 7th Doctor screams as he pushes the 6th Doctor's head >crashing against the console with great force. The 6th Doctor, >rolls over, a gaping gash in his forehead) NYSSA: ...caused by the rogue comma. > >(Ace emerges from a strange whirlwind, and sees the 6th >Doctor) > >Ace: Wicked! Did you do that Professor? NUMBER ONE: (7th Doctor) Yeah, I did that professor. And her Mum. And they bloody loved it. [DIANE and HELEN unroll a banner that reads 'Come back Kenneth Andrews, all is forgiven'.] > >7th Doctor: Yes, I have planned this since the beginning of time. >Now let's be off from this dangerous place! > >(The 7th Doctor and Ace magically appear inside of the >TARDIS, with console intact. The 7th Doctor manipulates DOUG: Yeah, I'd say that's an apt character summary. >the controls and they soon arrive at their new destination) > >(Walking otuside the TARDIS the 7th Doctor stretches his arms, >and is repeatedly doused with machine gun fire, NYSSA: (weatherman) Today will be partly sunny with highs in the upper 70s and an 80% chance of afternoon firefights. DIANE: (to NYSSA) Sounds like a typical day in Miami, then. >pulling back we see the 8th Doctor and Chung Lee HELEN: ...twisted clone of Chang Lee. >wildly firing and laughing at the 7th Doctor is shot up) > >8th Doctor: Wait! Stop! I remember now! I AM THE NUMBER ONE: ...NIGHT RIDER! A fuel-injected suicide machine! NYSSA: (to audience) A twenty-point bonus to anyone who gets that. >DOCTOR!!!!!! The warm Gallifreyian nights, HELEN: Ooh! I used to subscribe to that 'zine. Rrrowl! >doing LSD at the Prydonian Academy, all those long steamy >nights with Romana... Do you know what this means? DOUG: A massive retcon? >MY SHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOESSSSS FIIIIIIIIIITTTTT!! >YES! DIANE: This reads like the transcript of a Robin Williams standup routine. > >Chung Lee: Dude, you are just WAY too happy. > >8th Doctor: Chung Lee, would you happen to have one of these >cribs, where kickin' it, would be considered a primary activity? NUMBER ONE: You know, the only thing in the world that's more pathetic than a white guy trying to sound black is an _English_ white guy trying to sound black. > >Chung Lee: Ahh..thanks for the machine gun, but I really gotta >life, and I can't hang out with a weirdo like you, or well. THINK >ABOUT IT. NYSSA: No, don't. Thinking only makes the fic hurt worse. >If I'm seen in the middle of SAN FRANSICO, DOUG: ...just down the coast from San _Francisco_... >with an English guy who acts as fruity as you?! El Centro will >kick my ass for sure. HELEN: Actually, from what I hear of San Francisco, kicking is the least of your ass-related worries. > >8th Doctor: Please, I want to understand this earth thing you call >ass kicking! There's so much to explore and discover and find >out and ahhhhhhhhhh........... NYSSA: Don't tell me he fell into a conveniently-sited well. NUMBER ONE: Impossible! He's _even_-numbered! > >(The Doctor falls into a sewer vent, a strange shadowy figure >emerges from the darkness of the alley) > >Chung Lee: (looking) Hey, aren't you that Mr. Bean dude? DIANE: (9th Doctor) Hey, aren't _you_ that stock ethnic stereotype dude? > >(The 9th Doctor emerges in all his glory) NYSSA: A statement freighted with enough irony to build a battleship. > >9th Doctor: Here is a bag of monies, (holding it out) which I will >Not be giving you. DOUG: It's the money they saved by recycling that gag from 'BlackAdder II'. > >(Chung Lee raises his machine gun) > >Chung Lee: What happened to the Doctor? > >9th Doctor: I merely went back 100 years, and bribed the architect >to place a faulty sewer vent right there, knowing that in 100 years >time it would have finally rotted away I came back to the present >day to.. NYSSA: Run on, noble sentence! Run free and unfettered through the great wide paragraph! > >Chung Lee: This story's getting old already! Why shouldn't I just >shoot you and take all your stuff right now? > >(Emma emerges from the darkness) HELEN and NUMBER ONE: Hel-lo, nurse! > >Chung Lee: Okay...I'm listening. You got a date for me? > >9th Doctor: I'm afraid not! You see, Emma and I are in love, >nothing can seperate us. NYSSA: Not even a comma splice. > >(The 10th Doctor emerges from the darkness of the alley) > >10Th Doctor: Hello there, Emma my darling. > >Emma: Doctor! Is that you? You're so handsome! DIANE: (bitterly) Yeah, that's what I've always liked about 'Doctor Who' -- the great emotional depth of the female characters. NYSSA: (to DIANE) Quiet, you. > >9th Doctor: Ah...I'm not exactly chopped liver myself you know. NYSSA: Chung Lee could change that for you. > >(Emma rushes up to the 10th Doctor) > >9th Doctor: My darling! You can't run off with another man! >Even if that other man is me! > >Emma: I'm sorry, he's just..so alluring. HELEN: Hmm... That he is! DIANE: (softly) At least she's leaving me alone... HELEN: But not as alluring as my little blonde chew-toy! [HELEN lunges for DIANE, who nimbly hops over the back of her seat.] HELEN: [snaps fingers] Shucky darn! Almost had her. DIANE: (to HELEN) Keep your hands off me or I'll take your hands off you! [climbs back into seat] > >9th Doctor: But can't you see, he's going to kill me. > >10th Doctor: Oh no, I'm just here to pick up the woman! I don't >care about killing you. See you later. > >(The 10 Doctor smiles and begins to walk off with Emma. Chung >Lee moves his gun and blasts the 10th Doctor, who falls over >dead) NUMBER ONE: Not exactly Chow Yun-Fat, is he? DOUG: 'Course not. For one thing, he's only using one gun. For another, none of this is in slow-motion. NYSSA: (firmly) Chow Yun-Fat is _God_. > >9th Doctor: Thank you my dear boy! You've done a very valuable >service. Now leave, and I may forget you altogether. Remember, >don't be here for Christmas. > >Chung Lee: Why not? DIANE: (9th Doctor) Because your whole family will be here, meaning you'll have to kiss Aunt Bunny. DOUG: (Chung Lee, as Eddie Murphy) Aah! She's got a _mustache_! > >9th Doctor: Because if I have the grave misfortune to see you on >Christmas day I will turn out your innards and turn you into a >refreshing late afternoon pudding with slice of lemon. NYSSA: Heh. It's just like watching 'BlackAdder'... while being kicked repeatedly in the head. > >(Chung Lee whips around and shoots the 9th Doctor too, who >falls over dead) > >(Emma rushes up to Chung Lee) > >Emma: You killed them! HELEN: Brilliant deduction, Miss Marple. > >Chung Lee: Yup, just you and me now baby. > >Emma: I could NEVER be interested in you! You killed the men I >love! The Doctor is a good and kind man. NYSSA: _Was_ a good and kind man. He's a rat buffet now. >Any of them would be thirty times the man you are. > >(The 11th Doctor stumbles up, hiding his face in his jacket) > >11th Doctor: Thank you...darling..hahaha..oh that word makes me >all giggly! NUMBER ONE: (announcer) The part of the Eleventh Doctor will now be played by Saber Marionette Lime and a tank of nitrous oxide. > >Emma: Is that you Doctor? > >11th Doctor: Yes, that's right..ohh dear..he knows about us, >doesn't he? How embarrassing. Hello Chung Lee! > >Chung Lee: Hey there...wow, the Dork Doctor. HELEN: [laughs] Now there's a perfect title if Virgin Publishing ever gets to cross over their 'Doctor Who' and gay porn lines! DOUG: It sounds like either that or a chain of drive-through urology clinics. > >11th Doctor: I heard that! That's not very nice you know. I may, I >may have to...well it wasn't very nice. > >Emma: Do you still love me Doctor? NUMBER ONE: (11th Doctor) I suppose. DIANE: (Emma) I love you more! NUMBER ONE: (11th Doctor) [shrugs] Yeah, probably. > >11th Doctor: OHH! Oh dear! That question's made me go all silly! NYSSA: No, the author did that. > >(Emma sighs) > >Emma: He really is a dork. > >Chung Lee: I called it baby. > >Emma: You gotta place? > >Chung Lee: Right off Mission Street! NUMBER ONE: (Chung Lee) You go just past the Gay Pride march, hang a left beside the anti-WTO demonstration, then a right next to the Earth First! rally, and it's just past the combined Citizens for Legal Abortion/Citizens Against Capital Punishment picket line, next door to Moon Unit's Holistic Feng-Shui Auto Repair. > >Emma: Right, well off we go then. > >Chung Lee: Really? WOW! Cool. HELEN: (Chung Lee, sing-song) I'm going to sco-ore! I'm going to sco-ore! DIANE: Rosie Palm and her sisters will be so jealous. > >(Chung Lee and Emma walk off as the 11th Doctor looks on sadly. >After a moment he musters some courage and runs after them, out >of the alley. Coming to the pavement he sees them already across >the intersection, and he runs blindly into the middle of the street, >being hit by a car pulling in for a stop!) DOUG: ...and knocked into a well, with a splash. > >(The 11th Doctor lays, mortally wounded by the car, a young man >rushes out pulling up his pants) NUMBER ONE: Killed by a pantsless guy in a car? If it didn't say 'young', I'd assume this was a gratuitous Ted Kennedy cameo. > >11th Doctor: Oh, I'm sorry, I seem to have gotten in the way of >your motor vehicle...(looks confused)...I'm sorry, but weren't you >in Four Weddings and a Funeral? NYSSA: (Hugh Grant Doctor) Yes, and you're about to be in No Wedding and a Funeral. > >(The man zips up his pants and has a pained expression on his >face, DIANE: Ouch! Must've caught something in his zipper! NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE, brightly) See, there's something else you won't have to worry about any more-- NUMBER ONE: (to NYSSA, interrupting) How about you just drop the subject? NYSSA: I'm only trying to help... >a woman, Bambi, dressed in only stockings and a tube top rushes >out of the other side of the car) HELEN: (sultrily) Well hello there, Bambi. Want to come play with my Thumper? > >Bambi: Oh no! We hit some guy! > >11th Doctor: Yes, sorry about that. Look just drive off and I'll die >quietly, alright? DOUG: (Hugh Grant Doctor, angrily) Like Hell I will! You got blood and bits all over my Porsche! Just wait 'til my solicitor gets hold of you! > >Bambi: Can't you help? I thought you said you were a Doctor! > >12th Doctor: Well, one of them yes, but, not a medical Doctor..well >not really. Well I lied you see. > >Bambi: That's okay, most of my customers do. NYSSA: It's rather a sad state of affairs when the only character in a story that has a real personality is a throwaway one-gag hooker. > >12th Doctor: Look, I better go. I don't want to be caught up in one >of these things. > >(The 12th Doctor runs off down the street for about 3 blocks >before he is stopped by a blonde woman showing him some leg) HELEN: (to DIANE, slyly) You know, there's nothing like a blonde showing some leg... DIANE: Yes. And 'nothing like it' is what you're going to get from me. HELEN: Ahhh... Your lips say 'No', but your eyes-- DIANE: (interrupting) --say 'Go to Hell, you nympho loony'. > >12th Doctor: Oh! Hello! > >(The Master emerges from the darkness of a nearby >McDonalds...okay not dark but definitely evil, DOUG: McDonalds: for those who prefer their unspeakable depravity in a bun. NUMBER ONE: (customer) I'll have an order of destructive megalomania, please. Heavy on the obsession. DOUG: (cashier) Do you want to super-size that? Never mind, silly question... >he wears a long cloak) > >Master: Looking for a date, Doctor? DOUG: Oh dear. The Master really has spent too long in San Francisco. DIANE: You know, out there somewhere there are certain fangirls reading that line and thinking, 'Hah! I _knew_ it!' NYSSA: (to DIANE) And you're one of them. DIANE: [nods] You bet your bippy. > >12th Doctor: I should have known it was you all along! NYSSA: Of course you should have. After all, a multi-Doctor fanfic without the Master would be like... NUMBER ONE: ...a cow pat without a mushroom in it? HELEN: ...Amsterdam without hookers? DOUG: ...a trailer park without NASCAR merchandise? DIANE: ...an episode of this show without sophomoric sex jokes? > >Master: What? I only just now stepped out of the McDonalds. DOUG: He was trying to recruit Hamburglar to be his latest henchman. > >12th Doctor: I mean you behind this twisted anniversary special >all along! DIANE: (12th Doctor, as Shampoo the Amazon) You also reason why I talk like Chinese Amazon bimbo! > >Master: I have no interest in your mutterings, Doctor. I have, >found myself, in this lonely city. NYSSA: (Master) I run a home for wayward commas. >I have decided to settle down, and live quietly as a street pimp, >carrying out a simple and rewarding life. NUMBER ONE: He can't be a pimp. He doesn't have a ridiculous hat. DIANE: No, but he did turn his TARDIS into a mauve Cadillac Coupe DeVille with fender skirts. > >12th Doctor: Really? Well, I'm prepared to believe you. HELEN: He's the Scientologist Doctor. > >Master: (Smiling) Excellent. I have chosen this woman, especially >for you. She will be the most fascinating of all your.... >companions. I think you will find you have much in common. > >(The blond walks up the the Doctor and smiles) NYSSA: Hold on there! I thought it was a blonde woman? 'Blond', with no 'e', is usually a masculine word. DOUG: (to NYSSA) This is San Francisco. This person could easily be both or neither. > >12th Doctor: Hello there, my ravishing beauty. > >Blond: Hello there..Doctor. > >12th Doctor: Your temporal vessel or mine? HELEN: That's the second-most-commonly-heard line in a Time Lord sexual relationship. NUMBER ONE: What's first? HELEN: [snickers] 'I promise, it's really a lot bigger on the inside!' > >(The blond giggles as they walk into the Master's TARDIS, not so >cleverly disguised as a McDonalds in the middle of San >Francisco) DOUG: Fighting their way through the horde of PETA protesters waving 'Meat is Murder' signs at them... NUMBER ONE: If meat is murder, does that mean eggs are rape? > >(Moments later the 12th Doctor emerges, clutching himself >randomly in pain) NUMBER ONE: (12th Doctor) [grabs various body parts] Ah! My liver! My uvula! My epiglottis! My ovaries! DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE) Don't laugh, sweetie. You're stuck with a set of those now. NUMBER ONE: (sulkily) Stuff it, bimbette. DIANE: (sweetly) Make me, she-dog. NYSSA: (to BOTH) Settle down, children, before Auntie Nyssa has to get medieval on you. > >12th Doctor: AHHHH!!! AHHHHH!! DYING! > DOUG: He's dying of shame after discovering his date's transvestitism the hard way. HELEN: (to DOUG) 'Hard' way? [giggles] Double-entendres suit you well, darling. >(The Blond walks out and hugs the Master) > >Master: Doctor! Meet your doom...The DOCTOR! > >12th Doctor: You are my final incarnation? WHY? HOW!?! HELEN: (13th Doctor) Well, first I took a trip to this clinic in Sweden... > >Master: In my 936 years in the sewers, I developed a rampant >social disease, DIANE: He got VD in the sewers? What, did he pass the time by boffing rats? >which I passed on to everyone, your 13th self is but a carrier, >goodbye Doctor! NYSSA: (Master) Like my sentences, I must run on. > >(The 13th Doctor and the Master enter the McDonalds which >mysteriously vanishes, as the 12th Doctor dies) DOUG: Random murders, venereal diseases, people of indeterminate sexual identity, and restaurants coming and going in the blink of an eye... it's California, all right. > >(Inside the Master's TARDIS) > >MASTER: You my love are the last of the Doctors. We shall now >be together for all time. > >13th Doctor: Never before have I met a man, so suited to his name, >my darling. HELEN: (13th Doctor) ...except for my old neighbor, Phil Littlewhinyman. >We shall rule eternity. > >Master: You're so flattering. But yes, it is true, nothing in ze vorld >can shtop us now. > >(A strange, small, whimsical McGann-like man steps out of the >back walls of the TARDIS) DIANE: It's Harlan Ellison. > >Master: Who are you?! NUMBER ONE: (Eddie Murphy) I'm Gumby, dammit! > >Rupert Booth Doc: I swore I would never do a story with you, but >here I am! To face my most predictable and keenly dressed >enemy! (silly nose wave) [ALL look at each other and shrug] NYSSA: We'll take your word for it, fanfic. > >Master: What is this mockery!? > >Rupert Booth Doc: We're all here, and we're taking over! > >(Rupert Booth steps back and allows in Jon Blum Doc, NYSSA: Who? HELEN: Think 'Seventh Doc Lite': the same character as Sylvester McCoy, but with no fat and 70% less talent. >Doctor Lockwood, DOUG: ...Doctor Octopus, Doctor Tofu, Doctor Kevorkian... >Vicent Savage Doc, DIANE: Is that the same as Doc Savage? >Dave Segal Doc, Jeffery Coburn Doc, Steven Johnson Doc, >Adrian Hudson Doc, Joe Binks Doc, Sean Corcoran Doc, HELEN: These must be the guys from 'Brain of Morbius'. >Matthew Wolff Doc, Charles Daniels Doc, and a countless stream >of Doctors!) NUMBER ONE: (Coleridge) Doctors, Doctors, every where,/And all in TARDIS packed;/Doctors, Doctors, every where,/And not a one could act. > >Jon Blum Doc: All this time you thought you were playing a >sensible came of Clue, and all along we've been playing a silly >game of hide and seek! HELEN: (Jon Blum Doc) All this time, you two thought you were playing some twisted game of strip chess, when all along it was just us playing with ourselves! DIANE: Oi... There's a mental picture I could've lived without... >There are an infinity of Doctors, and you've got them all! DOUG: Gotta catch 'em all! NYSSA: (to DOUG) Does that mean they'll be sticking them all in little balls? [looks at NUMBER ONE] Ooh, sorry. I didn't mean to bring that up again. DIANE: (to NYSSA, evilly) There's nothing to bring up any more... NUMBER ONE: (to DIANE) I hate you. DIANE: [shrugs] Like I care. [The screen fades out and the lights come back on.] ADRIC: (voice-over) I'll grant you the mercy of a short break between features. Enjoy your last moments of free will. ALL: Fine! Great! Let's move it! [ALL get up and leave the theater.] Notes - Part One - Part Two - Part Four - Part Five - Part Six
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