>(The Doctor closes his eyes, and begins to change)
>(The 6th Doctor leaps up)
NYSSA: ...then immediately keels over from the unaccustomed
>6th Doctor: Change! And I'm not talking about my pay check!
>Tegan & Sarah Jane: Doctor? Is that You?
DIANE: (sarcastically) No, geniuses, it's your Uncle Jim-Bob
>6th Doctor: Yes, I'm afraid it is. Now where is that annoying
>American woman with the massive cleavage.
DOUG: Sitting to my immediate right...
NUMBER ONE: [punches DOUG halfway out of his seat]
NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE) Was that for calling you an
'annoying American' or for saying you have 'massive cleavage'?
NUMBER ONE: Both!
DOUG: [rubs jaw] You'd rather I called you flat-chested?
NUMBER ONE: [cringes] Just don't even bring it up!
DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE) You mean 'bring _them_ up'.
NUMBER ONE: [crosses arms over chest and sulks]
HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE, comfortingly) There, there,
darling. Bosoms are our perky bouncy friends!
>I feel a certain longing for her presence.......
HELEN: He has a crap-accent fetish.
DIANE: Kind of like Spike the vampire's fangirls do.
>well nevermind! I shall be the longest living Doctor of them
NYSSA: You know, I've seen ironic foreshadowing before, but
this is the first time I've actually been held down and bludgeoned
>I shall go to brave new worlds, boldly seek out new dimensions
>and new civilizations. Travel where no time traveller has ever
HELEN: (6th Doctor) And shag a bunch of green chicks, who
will each conveniently be killed off before the episode ends.
>(The Doctor approaches a TARDIS console mysteriously left in
>the middle of the field.
DOUG: I thought they were in a garden?
NYSSA: The author hasn't been paying attention, either.
NUMBER ONE: A TARDIS console up on blocks in the middle
of a field, with the Time-Rotor hanging from a chain hoist in a
chinaberry tree. A not-uncommon sight in southern Gallifrey.
DIANE: All it needs is a George Wallace bumpersticker.
>Sarah Jane and Tegan are suspicious of it, but the Doctor strides
>up with confidence)
NYSSA: (bored) ...and then gets knocked into well, with a
DOUG: (to NYSSA) No, no. Only _odd-numbered_ Doctors
get thrown down the well. Even-numbered Doctors die from
non-fatal injuries to the torso.
NUMBER ONE: (to NYSSA) Yeah, Nyssa. You just don't
understand comedy at all, do you?
>(A strange, small Scottish fellow emerges from behind the
DOUG: It's Mad MacAdder, the most dangerous man to ever
wear a skirt in Europe.
>7th Doctor: I have awaited your coming since the beginning of
HELEN: I used to feel like that with this one boyfriend I had; used
to take forever to--
DIANE: (interrupting) You're doing that 'over-sharing' thing
>6th Doctor: I admire your taste,
NUMBER ONE: Just like chicken!
>still I wonder how many beings would gratefully make the same
>(The 7th Doctor wraps his arm around the 6th Doctor's shoulder)
DOUG: Wow. He's doing a Third-Level Cuddly Amazon Glomp.
DIANE: (7th Doctor, as Shampoo the Amazon) Husband!
Husband come to take Seventh Doc on date, yes?
>7th Doctor: The console now works perfectly except for one
NYSSA: The clock flashes '12:00' all the time.
>Take a look..HERE!
HELEN: And he pushed him down the well.
NUMBER ONE: (to HELEN) No, no. Haven't you been paying
attention? Odd-numbered Docs go in the well, even-numbers
get blunt trauma. It's _funny_, dammit.
>(The 7th Doctor screams as he pushes the 6th Doctor's head
>crashing against the console with great force. The 6th Doctor,
>rolls over, a gaping gash in his forehead)
NYSSA: ...caused by the rogue comma.
>(Ace emerges from a strange whirlwind, and sees the 6th
>Ace: Wicked! Did you do that Professor?
NUMBER ONE: (7th Doctor) Yeah, I did that professor. And her
Mum. And they bloody loved it.
[DIANE and HELEN unroll a banner that reads 'Come back
Kenneth Andrews, all is forgiven'.]
>7th Doctor: Yes, I have planned this since the beginning of time.
>Now let's be off from this dangerous place!
>(The 7th Doctor and Ace magically appear inside of the
>TARDIS, with console intact. The 7th Doctor manipulates
DOUG: Yeah, I'd say that's an apt character summary.
>the controls and they soon arrive at their new destination)
>(Walking otuside the TARDIS the 7th Doctor stretches his arms,
>and is repeatedly doused with machine gun fire,
NYSSA: (weatherman) Today will be partly sunny with highs in
the upper 70s and an 80% chance of afternoon firefights.
DIANE: (to NYSSA) Sounds like a typical day in Miami, then.
>pulling back we see the 8th Doctor and Chung Lee
HELEN: ...twisted clone of Chang Lee.
>wildly firing and laughing at the 7th Doctor is shot up)
>8th Doctor: Wait! Stop! I remember now! I AM THE
NUMBER ONE: ...NIGHT RIDER! A fuel-injected suicide machine!
NYSSA: (to audience) A twenty-point bonus to anyone who gets
>DOCTOR!!!!!! The warm Gallifreyian nights,
HELEN: Ooh! I used to subscribe to that 'zine. Rrrowl!
>doing LSD at the Prydonian Academy, all those long steamy
>nights with Romana... Do you know what this means?
DOUG: A massive retcon?
>MY SHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOESSSSS FIIIIIIIIIITTTTT!!
DIANE: This reads like the transcript of a Robin Williams standup
>Chung Lee: Dude, you are just WAY too happy.
>8th Doctor: Chung Lee, would you happen to have one of these
>cribs, where kickin' it, would be considered a primary activity?
NUMBER ONE: You know, the only thing in the world that's more
pathetic than a white guy trying to sound black is an _English_
white guy trying to sound black.
>Chung Lee: Ahh..thanks for the machine gun, but I really gotta
>life, and I can't hang out with a weirdo like you, or well. THINK
NYSSA: No, don't. Thinking only makes the fic hurt worse.
>If I'm seen in the middle of SAN FRANSICO,
DOUG: ...just down the coast from San _Francisco_...
>with an English guy who acts as fruity as you?! El Centro will
>kick my ass for sure.
HELEN: Actually, from what I hear of San Francisco, kicking is the
least of your ass-related worries.
>8th Doctor: Please, I want to understand this earth thing you call
>ass kicking! There's so much to explore and discover and find
>out and ahhhhhhhhhh...........
NYSSA: Don't tell me he fell into a conveniently-sited well.
NUMBER ONE: Impossible! He's _even_-numbered!
>(The Doctor falls into a sewer vent, a strange shadowy figure
>emerges from the darkness of the alley)
>Chung Lee: (looking) Hey, aren't you that Mr. Bean dude?
DIANE: (9th Doctor) Hey, aren't _you_ that stock ethnic
>(The 9th Doctor emerges in all his glory)
NYSSA: A statement freighted with enough irony to build a
>9th Doctor: Here is a bag of monies, (holding it out) which I will
>Not be giving you.
DOUG: It's the money they saved by recycling that gag from
>(Chung Lee raises his machine gun)
>Chung Lee: What happened to the Doctor?
>9th Doctor: I merely went back 100 years, and bribed the architect
>to place a faulty sewer vent right there, knowing that in 100 years
>time it would have finally rotted away I came back to the present
NYSSA: Run on, noble sentence! Run free and unfettered through
the great wide paragraph!
>Chung Lee: This story's getting old already! Why shouldn't I just
>shoot you and take all your stuff right now?
>(Emma emerges from the darkness)
HELEN and NUMBER ONE: Hel-lo, nurse!
>Chung Lee: Okay...I'm listening. You got a date for me?
>9th Doctor: I'm afraid not! You see, Emma and I are in love,
>nothing can seperate us.
NYSSA: Not even a comma splice.
>(The 10th Doctor emerges from the darkness of the alley)
>10Th Doctor: Hello there, Emma my darling.
>Emma: Doctor! Is that you? You're so handsome!
DIANE: (bitterly) Yeah, that's what I've always liked about 'Doctor
Who' -- the great emotional depth of the female characters.
NYSSA: (to DIANE) Quiet, you.
>9th Doctor: Ah...I'm not exactly chopped liver myself you know.
NYSSA: Chung Lee could change that for you.
>(Emma rushes up to the 10th Doctor)
>9th Doctor: My darling! You can't run off with another man!
>Even if that other man is me!
>Emma: I'm sorry, he's just..so alluring.
HELEN: Hmm... That he is!
DIANE: (softly) At least she's leaving me alone...
HELEN: But not as alluring as my little blonde chew-toy!
[HELEN lunges for DIANE, who nimbly hops over the back of
HELEN: [snaps fingers] Shucky darn! Almost had her.
DIANE: (to HELEN) Keep your hands off me or I'll take your
hands off you! [climbs back into seat]
>9th Doctor: But can't you see, he's going to kill me.
>10th Doctor: Oh no, I'm just here to pick up the woman! I don't
>care about killing you. See you later.
>(The 10 Doctor smiles and begins to walk off with Emma. Chung
>Lee moves his gun and blasts the 10th Doctor, who falls over
NUMBER ONE: Not exactly Chow Yun-Fat, is he?
DOUG: 'Course not. For one thing, he's only using one gun. For
another, none of this is in slow-motion.
NYSSA: (firmly) Chow Yun-Fat is _God_.
>9th Doctor: Thank you my dear boy! You've done a very valuable
>service. Now leave, and I may forget you altogether. Remember,
>don't be here for Christmas.
>Chung Lee: Why not?
DIANE: (9th Doctor) Because your whole family will be here,
meaning you'll have to kiss Aunt Bunny.
DOUG: (Chung Lee, as Eddie Murphy) Aah! She's got a
>9th Doctor: Because if I have the grave misfortune to see you on
>Christmas day I will turn out your innards and turn you into a
>refreshing late afternoon pudding with slice of lemon.
NYSSA: Heh. It's just like watching 'BlackAdder'... while being
kicked repeatedly in the head.
>(Chung Lee whips around and shoots the 9th Doctor too, who
>falls over dead)
>(Emma rushes up to Chung Lee)
>Emma: You killed them!
HELEN: Brilliant deduction, Miss Marple.
>Chung Lee: Yup, just you and me now baby.
>Emma: I could NEVER be interested in you! You killed the men I
>love! The Doctor is a good and kind man.
NYSSA: _Was_ a good and kind man. He's a rat buffet now.
>Any of them would be thirty times the man you are.
>(The 11th Doctor stumbles up, hiding his face in his jacket)
>11th Doctor: Thank you...darling..hahaha..oh that word makes me
NUMBER ONE: (announcer) The part of the Eleventh Doctor will
now be played by Saber Marionette Lime and a tank of nitrous
>Emma: Is that you Doctor?
>11th Doctor: Yes, that's right..ohh dear..he knows about us,
>doesn't he? How embarrassing. Hello Chung Lee!
>Chung Lee: Hey there...wow, the Dork Doctor.
HELEN: [laughs] Now there's a perfect title if Virgin Publishing
ever gets to cross over their 'Doctor Who' and gay porn lines!
DOUG: It sounds like either that or a chain of drive-through
>11th Doctor: I heard that! That's not very nice you know. I may, I
>may have to...well it wasn't very nice.
>Emma: Do you still love me Doctor?
NUMBER ONE: (11th Doctor) I suppose.
DIANE: (Emma) I love you more!
NUMBER ONE: (11th Doctor) [shrugs] Yeah, probably.
>11th Doctor: OHH! Oh dear! That question's made me go all silly!
NYSSA: No, the author did that.
>Emma: He really is a dork.
>Chung Lee: I called it baby.
>Emma: You gotta place?
>Chung Lee: Right off Mission Street!
NUMBER ONE: (Chung Lee) You go just past the Gay Pride
march, hang a left beside the anti-WTO demonstration, then a
right next to the Earth First! rally, and it's just past the combined
Citizens for Legal Abortion/Citizens Against Capital Punishment
picket line, next door to Moon Unit's Holistic Feng-Shui Auto
>Emma: Right, well off we go then.
>Chung Lee: Really? WOW! Cool.
HELEN: (Chung Lee, sing-song) I'm going to sco-ore! I'm going to
DIANE: Rosie Palm and her sisters will be so jealous.
>(Chung Lee and Emma walk off as the 11th Doctor looks on sadly.
>After a moment he musters some courage and runs after them, out
>of the alley. Coming to the pavement he sees them already across
>the intersection, and he runs blindly into the middle of the street,
>being hit by a car pulling in for a stop!)
DOUG: ...and knocked into a well, with a splash.
>(The 11th Doctor lays, mortally wounded by the car, a young man
>rushes out pulling up his pants)
NUMBER ONE: Killed by a pantsless guy in a car? If it didn't say
'young', I'd assume this was a gratuitous Ted Kennedy cameo.
>11th Doctor: Oh, I'm sorry, I seem to have gotten in the way of
>your motor vehicle...(looks confused)...I'm sorry, but weren't you
>in Four Weddings and a Funeral?
NYSSA: (Hugh Grant Doctor) Yes, and you're about to be in No
Wedding and a Funeral.
>(The man zips up his pants and has a pained expression on his
DIANE: Ouch! Must've caught something in his zipper!
NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE, brightly) See, there's something else
you won't have to worry about any more--
NUMBER ONE: (to NYSSA, interrupting) How about you just
drop the subject?
NYSSA: I'm only trying to help...
>a woman, Bambi, dressed in only stockings and a tube top rushes
>out of the other side of the car)
HELEN: (sultrily) Well hello there, Bambi. Want to come play with
>Bambi: Oh no! We hit some guy!
>11th Doctor: Yes, sorry about that. Look just drive off and I'll die
DOUG: (Hugh Grant Doctor, angrily) Like Hell I will! You got
blood and bits all over my Porsche! Just wait 'til my solicitor gets
hold of you!
>Bambi: Can't you help? I thought you said you were a Doctor!
>12th Doctor: Well, one of them yes, but, not a medical Doctor..well
>not really. Well I lied you see.
>Bambi: That's okay, most of my customers do.
NYSSA: It's rather a sad state of affairs when the only character in
a story that has a real personality is a throwaway one-gag hooker.
>12th Doctor: Look, I better go. I don't want to be caught up in one
>of these things.
>(The 12th Doctor runs off down the street for about 3 blocks
>before he is stopped by a blonde woman showing him some leg)
HELEN: (to DIANE, slyly) You know, there's nothing like a blonde
showing some leg...
DIANE: Yes. And 'nothing like it' is what you're going to get from
HELEN: Ahhh... Your lips say 'No', but your eyes--
DIANE: (interrupting) --say 'Go to Hell, you nympho loony'.
>12th Doctor: Oh! Hello!
>(The Master emerges from the darkness of a nearby
>McDonalds...okay not dark but definitely evil,
DOUG: McDonalds: for those who prefer their unspeakable
depravity in a bun.
NUMBER ONE: (customer) I'll have an order of destructive
megalomania, please. Heavy on the obsession.
DOUG: (cashier) Do you want to super-size that? Never mind,
>he wears a long cloak)
>Master: Looking for a date, Doctor?
DOUG: Oh dear. The Master really has spent too long in San
DIANE: You know, out there somewhere there are certain fangirls
reading that line and thinking, 'Hah! I _knew_ it!'
NYSSA: (to DIANE) And you're one of them.
DIANE: [nods] You bet your bippy.
>12th Doctor: I should have known it was you all along!
NYSSA: Of course you should have. After all, a multi-Doctor
fanfic without the Master would be like...
NUMBER ONE: ...a cow pat without a mushroom in it?
HELEN: ...Amsterdam without hookers?
DOUG: ...a trailer park without NASCAR merchandise?
DIANE: ...an episode of this show without sophomoric sex jokes?
>Master: What? I only just now stepped out of the McDonalds.
DOUG: He was trying to recruit Hamburglar to be his latest
>12th Doctor: I mean you behind this twisted anniversary special
DIANE: (12th Doctor, as Shampoo the Amazon) You also reason
why I talk like Chinese Amazon bimbo!
>Master: I have no interest in your mutterings, Doctor. I have,
>found myself, in this lonely city.
NYSSA: (Master) I run a home for wayward commas.
>I have decided to settle down, and live quietly as a street pimp,
>carrying out a simple and rewarding life.
NUMBER ONE: He can't be a pimp. He doesn't have a ridiculous
DIANE: No, but he did turn his TARDIS into a mauve Cadillac
Coupe DeVille with fender skirts.
>12th Doctor: Really? Well, I'm prepared to believe you.
HELEN: He's the Scientologist Doctor.
>Master: (Smiling) Excellent. I have chosen this woman, especially
>for you. She will be the most fascinating of all your....
>companions. I think you will find you have much in common.
>(The blond walks up the the Doctor and smiles)
NYSSA: Hold on there! I thought it was a blonde woman? 'Blond',
with no 'e', is usually a masculine word.
DOUG: (to NYSSA) This is San Francisco. This person could
easily be both or neither.
>12th Doctor: Hello there, my ravishing beauty.
>Blond: Hello there..Doctor.
>12th Doctor: Your temporal vessel or mine?
HELEN: That's the second-most-commonly-heard line in a Time
Lord sexual relationship.
NUMBER ONE: What's first?
HELEN: [snickers] 'I promise, it's really a lot bigger on the inside!'
>(The blond giggles as they walk into the Master's TARDIS, not so
>cleverly disguised as a McDonalds in the middle of San
DOUG: Fighting their way through the horde of PETA protesters
waving 'Meat is Murder' signs at them...
NUMBER ONE: If meat is murder, does that mean eggs are rape?
>(Moments later the 12th Doctor emerges, clutching himself
>randomly in pain)
NUMBER ONE: (12th Doctor) [grabs various body parts] Ah!
My liver! My uvula! My epiglottis! My ovaries!
DIANE: (to NUMBER ONE) Don't laugh, sweetie. You're stuck
with a set of those now.
NUMBER ONE: (sulkily) Stuff it, bimbette.
DIANE: (sweetly) Make me, she-dog.
NYSSA: (to BOTH) Settle down, children, before Auntie Nyssa
has to get medieval on you.
>12th Doctor: AHHHH!!! AHHHHH!! DYING!
DOUG: He's dying of shame after discovering his date's
transvestitism the hard way.
HELEN: (to DOUG) 'Hard' way? [giggles] Double-entendres suit
you well, darling.
>(The Blond walks out and hugs the Master)
>Master: Doctor! Meet your doom...The DOCTOR!
>12th Doctor: You are my final incarnation? WHY? HOW!?!
HELEN: (13th Doctor) Well, first I took a trip to this clinic in
>Master: In my 936 years in the sewers, I developed a rampant
DIANE: He got VD in the sewers? What, did he pass the time by
>which I passed on to everyone, your 13th self is but a carrier,
NYSSA: (Master) Like my sentences, I must run on.
>(The 13th Doctor and the Master enter the McDonalds which
>mysteriously vanishes, as the 12th Doctor dies)
DOUG: Random murders, venereal diseases, people of
indeterminate sexual identity, and restaurants coming and going
in the blink of an eye... it's California, all right.
>(Inside the Master's TARDIS)
>MASTER: You my love are the last of the Doctors. We shall now
>be together for all time.
>13th Doctor: Never before have I met a man, so suited to his name,
HELEN: (13th Doctor) ...except for my old neighbor, Phil
>We shall rule eternity.
>Master: You're so flattering. But yes, it is true, nothing in ze vorld
>can shtop us now.
>(A strange, small, whimsical McGann-like man steps out of the
>back walls of the TARDIS)
DIANE: It's Harlan Ellison.
>Master: Who are you?!
NUMBER ONE: (Eddie Murphy) I'm Gumby, dammit!
>Rupert Booth Doc: I swore I would never do a story with you, but
>here I am! To face my most predictable and keenly dressed
>enemy! (silly nose wave)
[ALL look at each other and shrug]
NYSSA: We'll take your word for it, fanfic.
>Master: What is this mockery!?
>Rupert Booth Doc: We're all here, and we're taking over!
>(Rupert Booth steps back and allows in Jon Blum Doc,
HELEN: Think 'Seventh Doc Lite': the same character as Sylvester
McCoy, but with no fat and 70% less talent.
DOUG: ...Doctor Octopus, Doctor Tofu, Doctor Kevorkian...
>Vicent Savage Doc,
DIANE: Is that the same as Doc Savage?
>Dave Segal Doc, Jeffery Coburn Doc, Steven Johnson Doc,
>Adrian Hudson Doc, Joe Binks Doc, Sean Corcoran Doc,
HELEN: These must be the guys from 'Brain of Morbius'.
>Matthew Wolff Doc, Charles Daniels Doc, and a countless stream
NUMBER ONE: (Coleridge) Doctors, Doctors, every where,/And
all in TARDIS packed;/Doctors, Doctors, every where,/And not a
one could act.
>Jon Blum Doc: All this time you thought you were playing a
>sensible came of Clue, and all along we've been playing a silly
>game of hide and seek!
HELEN: (Jon Blum Doc) All this time, you two thought you were
playing some twisted game of strip chess, when all along it was
just us playing with ourselves!
DIANE: Oi... There's a mental picture I could've lived without...
>There are an infinity of Doctors, and you've got them all!
DOUG: Gotta catch 'em all!
NYSSA: (to DOUG) Does that mean they'll be sticking them all in
little balls? [looks at NUMBER ONE] Ooh, sorry. I didn't mean to
bring that up again.
DIANE: (to NYSSA, evilly) There's nothing to bring up any more...
NUMBER ONE: (to DIANE) I hate you.
DIANE: [shrugs] Like I care.
[The screen fades out and the lights come back on.]
ADRIC: (voice-over) I'll grant you the mercy of a short break
between features. Enjoy your last moments of free will.
ALL: Fine! Great! Let's move it!
[ALL get up and leave the theater.]