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TTR/ LWT: Storytime - Pride and Petulance Part 3 by Vicky Jewitt (In which Sarah Jane is forced to play the piano and the Brigadier has to propose *and* write a letter, while certain other gentlemen have too much fun.) ************************************** NARRATOR Longbourn was in uproar, so Charlotte Lucas helpfully invited Mr Collins to join her family and next thing anyone knew, they were engaged. Before she left, Charlotte made Elizabeth promise to visit her. And in the meantime, the party at Netherfield left with no word as to when they where coming back, dashing all Jane's hopes. JANE / LIZ If only that were the end of it! LIZZY / SARAH I do think I should have told 'Charlotte' that she was marrying the Master. JANE >From all accounts, she's not the first... LIZZY Anyway, I have an idea that will solve all your problems. You can go and visit our Aunt and Uncle in Cheapside and in between babysitting, you can visit Mr and Miss Bingley. JANE Must I? LIZZY Really, Liz, you're not getting into the spirit of this, are you? I'm the one who has to end up with the Brigadier. [The NARRATOR coughs] LIZZY I do swear I shall never be able to read this book again! JANE Sorry. It's just not my sort of thing. LIZZY Well, ask for Frankenstein next time, or a science textbook. * NARRATOR Jane departed for London and soon it was Elizabeth's turn to go with Sir William and Maria Lucas to visit Charlotte and Mr Collins. Her father was none too pleased at losing his favourite daughters. MARY / ZOE I like that? Why are *they* his favourites? I'm far and away the cleverest! KITTY / JAMIE [having fallen into a settled gloom] I don't want to be his favourite daughter. This is no sort of story to be stuck in. There ought to be a battle with all those - soldiers here. I'm fed up with wearing dresses. I'm *not being in any more of these*! LYDIA / JO If you're going to argue about it, I really think I should be his favourite daughter... MR BENNET / THIRD DOCTOR Now, Lizzy, remember to take every care when staying with that so- called Mr Collins. Don't trust him for an instant and if he starts showing his true colours, run! LYDIA Oh, if he starts trying to hypnotise you, nursery rhymes will stop him. LIZZY Now don't fuss, Father. I'm sure he'll behaviour himself. He seems to be enjoying this. MR BENNET I don't think I approve of any of this... * NARRATOR Lizzy and Maria Lucas went to visit Charlotte and Mr Collins at Hunsford. MR COLLINS My dear Cousin Elizabeth, welcome to my humble abode. CHARLOTTE How nice to see you again! LIZZY You too. MARIA LUCAS [played by a passing CLANGER] merely jumps up and down squeaks. * NARRATOR It was not long before they were invited to dine at Rosings Park, with Lady Catherine de Bourgh. (LIZZY, MR COLLINS, CHARLOTTE and MARIA arrive at a grand dining room. MARIA is still squeaking.) LADY CATHERINE (the SECOND DOCTOR in drag) Well, come on in everyone! LIZZY Oh, I swear it's getting worse! MR COLLINS Maybe it's just that particular TARDIS crew? Perhaps Kitty should have words with Lady Catherine here... NARRATOR After dinner, Elizabeth was interrogated by Lady Catherine. LADY CATHERINE [adjusting 'her' lacy cap] This is fun, isn't it? Well, Miss Bennet, do you play and sing? LIZZY A little. LADY CATHERINE And do all your sisters play and sing? LIZZY One of them does. LADY CATHERINE [hiding a chuckle] I take it that's not dear little Kitty? Do any of you draw? LIZZY No. LADY CATHERINE [falling off 'her' chair in undignified shock] What NONE of you? That is very strange. Oh, dear, my wig seems to be all askew. [LIZZY helps LADY C adjust it]. LIZZY Well, we never had a governess. LADY CATHERINE Quite right, too. Who wants to be bothered with all this educational nonsense? LIZZY [prompting LADY C] If you had known my mother - LADY C I don't know your mother. NARRATOR Lady Catherine, I believe you have strong views on governesses. LADY C [nodding] Yes, oh, yes, indeed. Why should five girls be pestered with a governess? LIZZY [giving up] Why don't you ask if my younger sisters are out? LADY C [after a cautious pause] So, are all your younger sisters 'out', or is it only Kitty? LIZZY [after opening and shutting her mouth for a moment] [In a small voice] They're all out at once. LADY C All! What all five out at once? Very odd! Surely your younger sisters must be very young? LIZZY The youngest is not yet sixteen. But really, Ma'am, I think it would be very hard on younger sisters to have to wait until their elder sisters had married - I don't think it would promote sisterly affection or delicacy of mind. LADY C Upon my word, you give your opinion very decidedly for so young a person. Pray, what is your age? LIZZY With three younger sisters grown up, your Ladyship can hardly expect me to own it. [LADY C falls off 'her' chair in indignation again] * NARRATOR Not long afterwards, Lady Catherine's nephew, Mr Darcy, arrived with his cousin Colonel Fitzwilliam. After a week or so of Lady Catherine's company, Lizzy was almost pleased to see them both at Rosings Park, when they next went to dine. COLONEL FITZWILLIAM [Professor Jones, prepared to enjoy himself] You promised me you'd play the piano, love. LIZZY [seated at the piano] Oh help. That was reckless of me. MR DARCY Couldn't they have got one of those things that plays itself? We've already had to put up with your other 'sister's efforts. LIZZY I will not be alarmed though your sister does play so well. There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises with every attempt to intimidate me. DARCY I have no wish to alarm you. I believe you find great enjoyment in professing opinions which in fact are not your own. LIZZY [laughs, still trying not to play] [to FITZWILLIAM] Your cousin will give you a very pretty notion of me, and teach you not to believe a word I say, but it is very impolitic, for it provokes me to retaliate, and such things may come out, as will shock your relations to hear. DARCY I'm not afraid of you. COL. FITZWILLIAM Let me hear what you have to accuse him of. I should like to know how he behaves himself among strangers. LIZZY [playing the occasional note] Prepare yourself for something very dreadful. The first time of my ever seeing him was at a ball - and what do you think he did? He danced only four dances, though gentlemen were scarce! I am sorry to pain you, but so it was. Mr Darcy, you cannot deny the fact. MR DARCY I didn't dance at all that first time. Would you stand up with Miss Winters and Miss Hawthorne? Sullivan and I got out of there pretty sharpish. FITZWILLIAM Shocking! [Stepping into the breach left by the Brig] I suppose he couldn't have been introduced to anyone? LIZZY No - no one can ever be introduced in a ball room. MR DARCY I am ill-qualified to recommend myself to strangers. LIZZY [to COL FITZ] Shall we ask your cousin the reason of this? Why a man of sense and education, who has lived in the world, and fought off alien monsters, is ill-qualified to recommend himself to strangers? COL FITZ [with enthusiasm] Oh, I'd say I can answer that one. It's because he doesn't go to the trouble of it. It's very, very bad, Darcy! DARCY Standing around making idle chit-chat is not my scene. I never thought I'd find myself in a dratted Austen novel, either. Can we get to the next part before someone *else* has to murder a song on the piano? LIZZY [determined to get her lines out regardless] I'm not as good at playing the piano as other women - COL FITZ Well, that's true enough. LIZZY - But I always supposed it to be my own fault for not taking the trouble of practising. DARCY You have employed your time much better. No one who has had the privilege of encountering your journalistic skills can think anything wanting. We both think alien invasions of higher priority than piano playing. LIZZY [shutting the piano lid with a snap] This *was* my favourite book! You're all ruining it! COL FITZ Oh, don't stop playing, love! How about 'Land of my Fathers'? DARCY Now you're taking liberties with the script. I don't know about you, but I want to reach the end of this as soon as possible, Professor Jones! COL FITZ I believe that's Colonel Fitzwilliam, Fitzwilliam. * NARRATOR Some days later, out walking in the grounds of Rosings Park, Elizabeth met Colonel Fitzwilliam. COL FITZ Hello there! Nice to see you again, love. LIZZY And you. I hear you and Mr Darcy are leaving Kent on Saturday. COL FITZ Yes. Although it's up to Darcy. I just do what I'm told. LIZZY He does like to have his own way, doesn't he? COL FITZ So do we all. He just has the means to get away with it, what with being so fabulously rich and all that. Now, I am just a poor, younger son of an Earl, who would ideally like to marry a rich girl with connections that could take him up the Amazon if need be. I couldn't marry just anyone, you know. LIZZY Yes, although I don't think the younger son of an Earl knows too much about poverty. But I suppose, unless your older brother is very sickly, you would not ask above 50,000 pounds. COL FITZ A small price to pay for a project that could benefit the whole world. NARRATOR Colonel Fitzwilliam, I don't think - COL FITZ Listen, the man was in the army and must have some other interests? Why not something along those lines? Besides, everyone should work. I refuse to play a free loading aristocrat! LIZZY Hooray. Can't you tell me how great a friend Mr Darcy is to Mr Bingley? COL FITZ Aye, he is that indeed. LIZZY Oh! Yes. Mr Darcy is uncommonly kind to Mr Bingley, and takes a prodigious deal of care of him. COL FITZ Yes, so I've heard. In fact, I think Mr Bingley is highly in debt to him. LIZZY Oh, come on, you can't tell me that Harry and the Brig have been off gambling somewhere! COL FITZ No, deeply obliged to him, that kind of thing. I hear he saved him from a disastrous marriage - there were strong objections to the lady. LIZZY I think that's plain interfering! He's worse than I imagined. Now I'm extremely upset and you had better take me home. COL FITZ Of course. You did get my subtle hint that I won't be proposing to you, didn't you? LIZZY Well, that's something to be thankful for; everyone else is! * NARRATOR One day, Lizzy, alone at the Collins's, found Mr Darcy had come to call on her... MR DARCY [as Lizzy opens the door] I'm afraid I've come to propose. LIZZY I've been staying here as a guest of the Master and the President of Earth, with a Clanger hanging round me. And that's after the Master himself proposed. I believe I might be able to cope, so go ahead and get it over with. DARCY I don't think I can. LIZZY Oh, come on, Brig! There's some nice lines in this - DARCY Have you seen how insulting this proposal is? And the fellow's supposed to be the hero of the book! I don't know about the Master, but I find it hard to imagine it could be worse. LIZZY Well, he did tell me that he met Jane Austen. DARCY Really? NARRATOR [interrupting swiftly] Mr Darcy, if you don't propose we may all be stuck here forever and I've got some bored toddlers who might tear the creche apart if we stop. DARCY If I must, I must. Please don't take any of this personally, Miss Smith. LIZZY Of course not, Brig. DARCY In vain have I struggled. It will not do - dammit, Miss Smith, I won't do it! NARRATOR Mr Darcy proposed to Lizzy, not forgetting to dwell on her inferiority and other such charming matters during his speech - and seemed perfectly sure of her reply. DARCY [in heartfelt gratitude] Thank you. LIZZY In such cases as this, it is, I believe - NARRATOR Are you going to do the whole speech? I have some very fidgety toddlers here and we need to move on swiftly. DARCY [seizing on the NARRATOR'S intervention] And this is all the reply I am to have? LIZZY No, I was going to say the rest! DARCY I'd like to know why, with so little civility, I am to be rejected. LIZZY Then you shouldn't tell me you liked me against your will, your reason, and even against your character. Was that not some excuse for incivility? DARCY It sounds like the honest truth to me. LIZZY I know, but we're getting there now. I could never marry the man who had been the means of ruining the happiness of a most beloved sister! DARCY [alarmed] Which one are we talking about here? LIZZY Jane, of course. You interfered between her and Mr Bingley! DARCY Well, Bingley's terrified of the girl. I don't see why he should marry just because you think they should. I observed for myself and I didn't think she liked him much, either. LIZZY And as for what Mr Wickham said about you - DARCY Oh, not Mr Wickham. I suppose he enjoyed telling you nonsense about me. LIZZY His misfortunes have been great! DARCY Oh, great indeed! He should have thought of that before he turned traitor. So this is what you think of me. Thank you, Miss Bennet, everything is perfectly clear now. LIZZY Oh no, Mr Darcy. Your method of proposing merely spared me any concern I might have felt in refusing you had you behaved in a more gentleman-like manner. You could not have made me the offer of your hand in any possible way that would have tempted me to accept it. [Pause] NARRATOR And stop laughing, both of you! * NARRATOR The next morning, Elizabeth received a letter from Mr Darcy, explaining his actions in separating Mr Bingley and her sister - and his dealings with Mr Wickham... DARCY / BRIGADIER [reading the letter aloud] Mr Wickham is the son of a very respectable man, whose good conduct naturally inclined my father to be of service to him, and his kindness was liberally bestowed on George Wickham, his godson. MR WICKHAM / MIKE YATES Jolly good of your Dad to send me to school and Cambridge with you, Darcy, old fellow! [MR DARCY / BRIGADIER glares at him.] MR DARCY V/O My father was not only fond of this young man, whose manners were always engaging, he also hoped the church would be his profession and intended to provide for him in it. One of those endless GENERALS who turn up and make life difficult for the Brigadier is talking cheerfully to WICKHAM. WICKHAM So, I said, really, it was just a pimple on my bottom last night... [GENERAL laughs hysterically while DARCY glares.] DARCY V/O I, however, saw his vicious propensities. [WICKHAM kicks at a poor, defenceless, puppy (K9) while gambling and drinking - DARCY is still glaring.] DARCY V/O I saw the poor company he kept. MAN [unidentified extra, approaching WICKHAM] I say, has anyone told you about something called 'Operation Golden Age'? WICKHAM No, but it sounds like my kind of fun. DARCY V/O My excellent father died about five years ago, leaving a valuable family living that might be his as soon as it fell vacant. There was also a legacy of 1,000 pounds. WICKHAM [waving the paper about] Now should I splash this on expensive clothes, the football pools, the horses or the lottery? Or just wine, women and song? DARCY V/O Captain Yates, I'm beginning to be a bit disturbed by your enjoyment of this story! WICKHAM Just trying to play my part properly, sir. DARCY V/O He claimed he wanted to become a lawyer instead and 1,000 pounds were hardly sufficient to see him through his studies. He wished for some more immediate pecuniatry advantage, rather than the preferment that would not now be of any use to him. I rather wished than believed him to be sincere, but at any rate, I was perfectly ready to accede to his proposal. WICKHAM [taking a cheque from DARCY] Thanks, Darcy. You won't regret this when I'm a hot shot lawyer at one of the London courts. DARCY I don't want to know. Just take your 3,000 pounds and don't let me see you hanging around Pemberley again! DARCY V/O Next time I heard from him was when the living had fallen vacant and he had suddenly decided he did want to be ordained. WICKHAM [looking saintly] I don't know how I could have thought I wished to waste my years studying the law when I was so obviously meant to be a vicar. DARCY V/O Naturally, I refused this request. And every repetition of it. However, in the meantime, he renewed his acquaintance with my sister, Georgiana, staying with a Mrs Younge in Ramsgate for the summer. WICKHAM Hello, Georgiana. Nice to see you again - you've grown! GEORGIANA / VICTORIA [blushing] How nice to see you, Mr Wickham. You were always kind to me when I was a child. WICKHAM Who wouldn't be? Now, you may be an heiress of 30,000 pounds, but I won't let that stand in our way. How about an elopement? GEORGIANA Oh, dear, I'm not terribly sure. I really feel I should ask my brother... WICKHAM Go on! GEORGIANA Oh, all right then. DARCY V/O Georgiana was persuaded to believe herself in love and to consent to an elopment. She was then but fifteen. However, when I turned up two days before the event, she confided the whole in me, unable to support the idea of grieving and offending a brother whom she almost looked up to as a father. You may imagine what I felt and how I acted. [GEORGIANA sobs as DARCY chases WICKHAM down the sea front.] DARCY V/O This, madam, is a faithful narrative of every event in which we have been concerned together. If you ask Colonel Fitzwilliam, he will confirm the truth of everything here related. I will only add, God bless you. * To be continued as Jo demands to go to Brighton with the soldiers, and the truth behind the Fourth Doctor's casting deal is finally revealed (probably)... Part One - Part Two - Part Four - Part Five - Part Six
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