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This Time Round / Look Who's Talking Storytime Presents Scenes from Pride and Petulance. by V. Jewitt Part 5(b) (In which, there is an abundance of Wickhams, Lady Catherine will not be put in her place and Barbara decides to swiftly bring the procedings to as happy an ending as can be expected.) **** NARRATOR / BARBARA WRIGHT Eventually news came that the couple had been discovered and Wickham prevailed upon to marry Lydia, although Mr Bennet felt oppressed by his debt to his brother in law, knowing how much such a bribe must have cost. However, the marriage took place and the Bennets prepared to welcome the Wickhams to Longbourn. [MRS BENNET / NANCY runs out to embrace LYDIA / JO GRANT] WICKHAM / PROFESSOR JONES It's a pleasure to see you all! MRS BENNET / NANCY Professor Jones?! MR BENNET / THIRD DOCTOR But - what happened to Captain Yates? LIZZY / SARAH JANE Lydia, you've married Colonel Fitzwilliam by mistake. WICKHAM [winking at LIZZY] No, I came to an arrangement with Captain Yates. Sort of early retirement, as it were... CAPTAIN YATES [appearing from behind the hedge in a dishevelled state] Is that what you call it? MR BENNET Mike, you look like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards. MIKE YATES Really? I suppose that's about the size of it. That's my part, you Welsh interloper! LYDIA Oh dear! Mike, don't be cross -. WICKHAM See? I'm better at being unscrupulous! MIKE Right, that's it - come outside now, Professor Jones, and we'll see who's going to be Wickham. WICKHAM I don't have time for this, man! Besides, you're too late - I've already married the lovely Lydia! MIKE That does it! [As MIKE and WICKHAM fight, LIZZY pulls LYDIA to one side] LIZZY I believe you have something important to let slip about your wedding. LYDIA Yes. That Mr Darcy was there, interfering... <Flashback> [MR DARCY / BRIGADIER walks in on WICKHAM and LYDIA, in the bedchamber of an inn, reading a hefty 19th century volume about the Amazon.] WICKHAM So you see, there's this fantastic fungus out there somewhere... LYDIA Oh, Wickham! DARCY [drawing his revolver] Right, Wickham-. Good grief, Fitzwilliam, what are you doing here? WICKHAM Captain Yates was otherwise engaged. I'm Wickham now. Carry on, Darcy! DARCY [coughing] Right, well, you can darned well marry the girl, Wickham, or I'll shoot you! WICKHAM Hmm. Throw in a few thousand pounds as well, and I can go for that. DARCY You can have £10, 000 if I have your assurance you really are off up the Amazon and I never have to set eyes on you again. WICKHAM It's a deal. <UnFlashback> [As the two WICKHAMS continue to fight it out on the front drive, a carriage pulls up. MR BENNET ignores it, approaching YATES and JONES.] MR BENNET [using Vensuian Aikido] Hai! Hai! [Both would-be WICKHAMS fall on each side of him] MR BENNET Gentlemen, let's sort this out amicably, shall we? [LADY CATHERINE / SECOND DOCTOR falls out of the carriage, losing her wig. KITTY hurries to help her up] KITTY / JAMIE Doctor! Am I glad to see you! But what are you doing in that get-up? LADY CATHERINE You're a fine one to talk, Jamie! Or should I say Kitty? [Winks] KITTY [after a moment's pause] Oh, aye. I'm still wearing this dress. Someone needs to have a wee word with yon book about the difference between kilts and skirts. LADY CATHERINE It might be a good idea, Jamie. [Suddenly starts shouting] Miss Elizabeth Bennet! LIZZY [swinging round] What are you doing here? This is much too early! You must go. LADY CATHERINE I've waited long enough. Miss Bennet, I am here to tell you that you may *never* marry my nephew. LIZZY Oh dear. I suppose that's an end to that, then. NARRATOR Lizzy! Lady Catherine, can't you wait for your cue? [As MR BENNET heads back to the house, the two WICKHAMS start fighting again] NARRATOR [beginning to sound alarmed] On second thoughts, we should just put an end to this! Mr Bingley, Mr Darcy! [BINGLEY / HARRY SULLIVAN runs on, followed by DARCY. As he hesitates in front of JANE / LIZ SHAW, DARCY gives him a hefty, shove, sending him to his knees.] BINGLEY Oh, I say - no need for that, sir. Miss Bennet, will you - er - ? Would you do me the honour, um -? LIZZY Jane, please say yes. JANE [with a resigned sigh] You have made me very happy, sir. Of course I will marry you. I assume that *was* what you were trying to ask? BINGLEY Jolly good! Darcy, why don't you propose to her sister while we're at it? DARCY Must I propose again? LADY CATHERINE No - you most certainly will not! You are promised to my daughter! DARCY What? Who else am I supposed to be marrying? LIZZY Ignore her. LADY CATHERINE Unfeeling, selfish girl - I am not accustomed to be spoken to like this. Are the shades of Pemberley to be thus polluted? DARCY [taking LIZZY's advice and ignoring his inconvenient Aunt] I will merely say that my feelings are still as they were when last we addressed this subject. And yours? LIZZY Mine have undergone such a change - do not speak of what I said then! DARCY You have - LADY CATHERINE [flinging herself between them, clinging on to her errant wig] I won't allow it! NARRATOR Lady Catherine, you are spoiling the scene. LADY CATHERINE That's very rude of you. I don't think that there are supposed to be two Mr Wickhams, or tht Mr Bingley and Mr Darcy both propose together like that, so you're all as bad as me! LIZZY Quick, Brig - let's run for it! [DARCY and LIZZY run from the scene, MR BENNET trying to separate WICKHAM from WICKHAM, LADY CATHERINE shouting and generally getting the way and BINGLEY looking ever more miserable at the prospect of marrying JANE.] * MR BENNET Mr Darcy has just been here to ask for your hand, Lizzy. I did try to refuse but he threatened to shoot me if I prolonged this story any longer, but I cannot bear to lose you to anyone not worthy of you. LIZZY But I do love him, Father! MR BENNET Eh? LIZZY I'm sorry, but I had to get it over with. Can you give us your blessing and let this story end? MR BENNET Absolutely not! Are you out of your senses to be accepting this man? The *Brigadier* marry you, Sarah Jane - it's preposterous, it's - NARRATOR Given that you *knew* he was Mr Darcy, you can't be that surprised. MR BENNET Oh, very well. Marry him if you must, my dear. As long as you are happy and truly care for him. LIZZY [hugging him] Thank you, Father! MR BENNET [picking up his newspaper] I admire all my three sons-in-law highly. Wickham - both of him - is my favourite; but I think I shall like your husband quite as well as Jane's. * NARRATOR Later, Lizzy had chance to speak to Darcy alone. LIZZY So come on, tell me how you came to fall in love with me? MR DARCY [alarmed] I thought we had finally reached the end of this, Miss Bennet! LIZZY Humour me. MR DARCY I cannot fix on the hour or the spot or the look. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I *had* begun. LIZZY Well, it could not have my looks - you had early withstood that - my manners were bad - it must have been my impertinence - MR DARCY Your liveliness of mind did attract me, I confess. LIZZY You may as well call it impertinence at once. You were sick of civility, of all your subordinates looking for you approbation that I interested you because I was so unlike them. Had you not been really amiable you would have hated me for it. There - I have saved you the trouble of accounting for it. MR DARCY There was also your affectionate behaviour to your sister at Netherfield. LIZZY Dearest Jane! Who could have done less for her? But what made you so shy of me when you first called and afterwards dined here - oh, drat Lady Catherine and both Wickhams - sorry. Why did you act as if you did not care about me even if we didn't get to do that part? MR DARCY I was embarrassed. LIZZY [in heartfelt agreement] And so was I. So we have both been throughout. MR DARCY Indeed. Have we finished now? LIZZY One other thing. Lady Catherine? MR DARCY Ah yes, her behaviour as it *should* have been, gave me hope - and then I was determined at once to act. LIZZY Then Lady Catherine has been of infinite use, which ought to make her happy, for she loves to be of use. Shall you ever have the courage to announce to her what is to befall her? DARCY I am more likely to want time than courage, Elizabeth. If you will give me a sheet of paper, it will be done directly - [LADY CATHERINE pokes her head through the door] LADY CATHERINE You needn't write, Brigadier. I'm here. You are not marrying that girl! LIZZY Please, Doctor. We're almost finished. LADY CATHERINE But I've hardly been in it at all! I never get to do much in these things. It's not fair! [Sulks] Oh, marry her if you must! LIZZY Thank you. He will. And I shall be mistress of Pemberley, teach Georgiana how to tease her brother and educate Kitty into becoming a respectable girl. LADY CATHERINE If you can teach Kitty to be a respectable girl, that will be a considerable feat, my dear. I'm not sure he'll thank you for it, though. NARRATOR And you must try and avoid the scrounging Mr and Mrs Wickham and Mr Wickham. DARCY Quite. I think we should pack all three of them off up the Amazon... * [DARCY, ELIZABETH, BINGLEY and JANE all walk down the aisle to find that MR COLLINS is preparing to marry them.] MR BENNET Good grief, it's the Master *again*! MR COLLINS I'm afraid I seem to be the only clergyman available. DARCY Just get on with it! NARRATOR I'd like to say that we are seconds away from the end, so if anyone was thinking of wife-swapping at this moment, please bear that in mind. DARCY Whatever put that idea into your head? JANE Drat. ELIZABETH [genuinely shocked] Liz! NARRATOR Happy was the day that Mr and Mrs Bennet got rid of their two most deserving daughters. [The assembled cast gives a loud cheer as the end is finally reached. Well, with one exception...] FOURTH DOCTOR [sounding very bored] Can I go fishing *now*? * Barbara caught Izzy returning. "They're all in bed now. I did what you asked, but really I do think classics aren't the best idea. Even Pride and Prejudice was a bit much for them - Izzy stared at her for a long moment. Eventually she recovered herself enough to say, "You read the toddlers *Pride and Prejudice*?" Barbara looked worried. "Perhaps I *should* have done Jane Eyre." "When I said classics," said Izzy, "I meant something like Winnie the Pooh - children's classics!" "Oh," said Barbara, enlightenment finally dawning. "Oh, dear. Mind you, I'm not sure that would have been any less disturbing. You'll have to excuse me - I have some detentions to attend to." Izzy was still shaking her head in disbelief. "I think they found some of the characters very entertaining and I'm sure it will have improved their vocabularies," Barbara offered. "Hmph," said Izzy, "they've certainly had their vocabularies stretched by some of these things and I wouldn't say improved is the word." As the schoolteacher headed for the door, she called after her. "One thing, though - who was Mr Darcy?" She hesitated and then patted Izzy on the arm. "It's probably kinder not to say..." *** <Vicky breaks down into hysterical sobs> It's finally over... Why did I do this? What possessed me? My brain is left a ruined mess. There's only one thing for it... <Heads off for the wrap party at the Round> Credits: All characters are copyright of the BBC and BBC Wales. Pride and Prejudice was written by Jane Austen. You may have heard of her. Storytime was invented by Imran Inayat & B K Willis; TTR by Tyler Dion The collision of all three was entirely my own fault, with deepest apologies to the Brigadier. Part One - Part Two - Part Three - Part Four - Part Five
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