This Time Round / Look Who's Talking
Storytime Presents Scenes from Pride and Petulance.
by V. Jewitt
(In which, there is an abundance of Wickhams, Lady Catherine will not
be put in her place and Barbara decides to swiftly bring the
procedings to as happy an ending as can be expected.)
NARRATOR / BARBARA WRIGHT
Eventually news came that the couple had been discovered and Wickham
prevailed upon to marry Lydia, although Mr Bennet felt oppressed by
his debt to his brother in law, knowing how much such a bribe must
have cost. However, the marriage took place and the Bennets prepared
to welcome the Wickhams to Longbourn.
[MRS BENNET / NANCY runs out to embrace LYDIA / JO GRANT]
WICKHAM / PROFESSOR JONES
It's a pleasure to see you all!
MRS BENNET / NANCY
MR BENNET / THIRD DOCTOR
But - what happened to Captain Yates?
LIZZY / SARAH JANE
Lydia, you've married Colonel Fitzwilliam by mistake.
WICKHAM [winking at LIZZY]
No, I came to an arrangement with Captain Yates. Sort of early
retirement, as it were...
CAPTAIN YATES [appearing from behind the hedge in a dishevelled state]
Is that what you call it?
Mike, you look like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards.
Really? I suppose that's about the size of it. That's my part, you
Oh dear! Mike, don't be cross -.
See? I'm better at being unscrupulous!
Right, that's it - come outside now, Professor Jones, and we'll see
who's going to be Wickham.
I don't have time for this, man! Besides, you're too late - I've
already married the lovely Lydia!
That does it!
[As MIKE and WICKHAM fight, LIZZY pulls LYDIA to one side]
I believe you have something important to let slip about your wedding.
Yes. That Mr Darcy was there, interfering...
[MR DARCY / BRIGADIER walks in on WICKHAM and LYDIA, in the bedchamber
of an inn, reading a hefty 19th century volume about the Amazon.]
So you see, there's this fantastic fungus out there somewhere...
DARCY [drawing his revolver]
Right, Wickham-. Good grief, Fitzwilliam, what are you doing here?
Captain Yates was otherwise engaged. I'm Wickham now. Carry on,
Right, well, you can darned well marry the girl, Wickham, or I'll
Hmm. Throw in a few thousand pounds as well, and I can go for that.
You can have £10, 000 if I have your assurance you really are off up
the Amazon and I never have to set eyes on you again.
It's a deal.
[As the two WICKHAMS continue to fight it out on the front drive, a
carriage pulls up. MR BENNET ignores it, approaching YATES and
MR BENNET [using Vensuian Aikido]
[Both would-be WICKHAMS fall on each side of him]
Gentlemen, let's sort this out amicably, shall we?
[LADY CATHERINE / SECOND DOCTOR falls out of the carriage, losing her
wig. KITTY hurries to help her up]
KITTY / JAMIE
Doctor! Am I glad to see you! But what are you doing in that get-up?
You're a fine one to talk, Jamie! Or should I say Kitty? [Winks]
KITTY [after a moment's pause]
Oh, aye. I'm still wearing this dress. Someone needs to have a wee
word with yon book about the difference between kilts and skirts.
It might be a good idea, Jamie. [Suddenly starts shouting] Miss
LIZZY [swinging round]
What are you doing here? This is much too early! You must go.
I've waited long enough. Miss Bennet, I am here to tell you that you
may *never* marry my nephew.
Oh dear. I suppose that's an end to that, then.
Lizzy! Lady Catherine, can't you wait for your cue?
[As MR BENNET heads back to the house, the two WICKHAMS start fighting
NARRATOR [beginning to sound alarmed]
On second thoughts, we should just put an end to this! Mr Bingley, Mr
[BINGLEY / HARRY SULLIVAN runs on, followed by DARCY. As he hesitates
in front of JANE / LIZ SHAW, DARCY gives him a hefty, shove, sending
him to his knees.]
Oh, I say - no need for that, sir. Miss Bennet, will you - er - ?
Would you do me the honour, um -?
Jane, please say yes.
JANE [with a resigned sigh]
You have made me very happy, sir. Of course I will marry you. I
assume that *was* what you were trying to ask?
Jolly good! Darcy, why don't you propose to her sister while we're at
Must I propose again?
No - you most certainly will not! You are promised to my daughter!
What? Who else am I supposed to be marrying?
Unfeeling, selfish girl - I am not accustomed to be spoken to like
this. Are the shades of Pemberley to be thus polluted?
DARCY [taking LIZZY's advice and ignoring his inconvenient Aunt]
I will merely say that my feelings are still as they were when last we
addressed this subject. And yours?
Mine have undergone such a change - do not speak of what I said then!
You have -
LADY CATHERINE [flinging herself between them, clinging on to her
I won't allow it!
Lady Catherine, you are spoiling the scene.
That's very rude of you. I don't think that there are supposed to be
two Mr Wickhams, or tht Mr Bingley and Mr Darcy both propose together
like that, so you're all as bad as me!
Quick, Brig - let's run for it!
[DARCY and LIZZY run from the scene, MR BENNET trying to separate
WICKHAM from WICKHAM, LADY CATHERINE shouting and generally getting
the way and BINGLEY looking ever more miserable at the prospect of
Mr Darcy has just been here to ask for your hand, Lizzy. I did try to
refuse but he threatened to shoot me if I prolonged this story any
longer, but I cannot bear to lose you to anyone not worthy of you.
But I do love him, Father!
I'm sorry, but I had to get it over with. Can you give us your
blessing and let this story end?
Absolutely not! Are you out of your senses to be accepting this man?
The *Brigadier* marry you, Sarah Jane - it's preposterous, it's -
Given that you *knew* he was Mr Darcy, you can't be that surprised.
Oh, very well. Marry him if you must, my dear. As long as you are
happy and truly care for him.
LIZZY [hugging him]
Thank you, Father!
MR BENNET [picking up his newspaper]
I admire all my three sons-in-law highly. Wickham - both of him - is
my favourite; but I think I shall like your husband quite as well as
Later, Lizzy had chance to speak to Darcy alone.
So come on, tell me how you came to fall in love with me?
MR DARCY [alarmed]
I thought we had finally reached the end of this, Miss Bennet!
I cannot fix on the hour or the spot or the look. It is too long
ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I *had* begun.
Well, it could not have my looks - you had early withstood that - my
manners were bad - it must have been my impertinence -
Your liveliness of mind did attract me, I confess.
You may as well call it impertinence at once. You were sick of
civility, of all your subordinates looking for you approbation that I
interested you because I was so unlike them. Had you not been really
amiable you would have hated me for it. There - I have saved you the
trouble of accounting for it.
There was also your affectionate behaviour to your sister at
Dearest Jane! Who could have done less for her? But what made you so
shy of me when you first called and afterwards dined here - oh, drat
Lady Catherine and both Wickhams - sorry. Why did you act as if you
did not care about me even if we didn't get to do that part?
I was embarrassed.
LIZZY [in heartfelt agreement]
And so was I. So we have both been throughout.
Indeed. Have we finished now?
One other thing. Lady Catherine?
Ah yes, her behaviour as it *should* have been, gave me hope - and
then I was determined at once to act.
Then Lady Catherine has been of infinite use, which ought to make her
happy, for she loves to be of use. Shall you ever have the courage
to announce to her what is to befall her?
I am more likely to want time than courage, Elizabeth. If you will
give me a sheet of paper, it will be done directly -
[LADY CATHERINE pokes her head through the door]
You needn't write, Brigadier. I'm here. You are not marrying that
Please, Doctor. We're almost finished.
But I've hardly been in it at all! I never get to do much in these
things. It's not fair! [Sulks] Oh, marry her if you must!
Thank you. He will. And I shall be mistress of Pemberley, teach
Georgiana how to tease her brother and educate Kitty into becoming a
If you can teach Kitty to be a respectable girl, that will be a
considerable feat, my dear. I'm not sure he'll thank you for it,
And you must try and avoid the scrounging Mr and Mrs Wickham and Mr
Quite. I think we should pack all three of them off up the Amazon...
[DARCY, ELIZABETH, BINGLEY and JANE all walk down the aisle to find
that MR COLLINS is preparing to marry them.]
Good grief, it's the Master *again*!
I'm afraid I seem to be the only clergyman available.
Just get on with it!
I'd like to say that we are seconds away from the end, so if anyone
was thinking of wife-swapping at this moment, please bear that in
Whatever put that idea into your head?
ELIZABETH [genuinely shocked]
Happy was the day that Mr and Mrs Bennet got rid of their two most
[The assembled cast gives a loud cheer as the end is finally reached.
Well, with one exception...]
FOURTH DOCTOR [sounding very bored]
Can I go fishing *now*?
Barbara caught Izzy returning. "They're all in bed now. I did what
you asked, but really I do think classics aren't the best idea. Even
Pride and Prejudice was a bit much for them -
Izzy stared at her for a long moment. Eventually she recovered
herself enough to say, "You read the toddlers *Pride and Prejudice*?"
Barbara looked worried. "Perhaps I *should* have done Jane Eyre."
"When I said classics," said Izzy, "I meant something like Winnie the
Pooh - children's classics!"
"Oh," said Barbara, enlightenment finally dawning. "Oh, dear. Mind
you, I'm not sure that would have been any less disturbing. You'll
have to excuse me - I have some detentions to attend to."
Izzy was still shaking her head in disbelief.
"I think they found some of the characters very entertaining and I'm
sure it will have improved their vocabularies," Barbara offered.
"Hmph," said Izzy, "they've certainly had their vocabularies stretched
by some of these things and I wouldn't say improved is the word." As
the schoolteacher headed for the door, she called after her. "One
thing, though - who was Mr Darcy?"
She hesitated and then patted Izzy on the arm. "It's probably kinder
not to say..."
<Vicky breaks down into hysterical sobs> It's finally over... Why did
I do this? What possessed me? My brain is left a ruined mess.
There's only one thing for it... <Heads off for the wrap party at the
All characters are copyright of the BBC and BBC Wales.
Pride and Prejudice was written by Jane Austen. You may have heard of
Storytime was invented by Imran Inayat & B K Willis; TTR by Tyler Dion
The collision of all three was entirely my own fault, with deepest
apologies to the Brigadier.
Part One - Part Two - Part Three - Part Four - Part Five