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This Time Round / Look Who's Talking: Storytime Pride and Petulance by V. Jewitt * Part 4: Casting Arrangements ******* NARRATOR By the time Lizzy came to return to Hertfordshire, Lizzy knew Mr Darcy's letter off by heart. She was thankful to return to her home and to see her sisters, particularly Jane, and her parents again. Unfortunately, Longbourn was in uproar, due to the departure of the - th regiment. [The UNIT troops march away through the village] LYDIA / JO GRANT [sobbing] What is to become of us? KITTY / JAMIE [sulkily, going so far as to blow his nose in a large hanky] What are we to do? LYDIA I don't know what you are smiling for, Lizzy! LIZZY / SARAH JANE Jamie in a dress, crying because the soldiers have gone... KITTY Now, look, there's only so far I'll go along with this! MRS BENNET / NANCY I am sure I cried for two days together when Colonel Millar's regiment went away, even though the miners were pleased to see the back of them. I thought I should have broke my heart. [NARRATOR considers telling NANCY to put more effort into it and stop the unnecessary references to Wales, but decides it would be a waste of time] LYDIA I am sure I shall break mine! I *must* go to Brighton with all the UNIT troops! KITTY And I'd like a seaside holiday, too. MRS BENNET I'm sure we all would. NARRATOR Shortly afterwards, Lydia received an invitation from Colonel Forster's young wife to accompany her to Brighton. LYDIA [jumping up and down for joy] I can go with the soldiers to Brighton and make them lots of cups of tea! KITTY [without much feeling, it has to be said] It's not fair. I don't see why Mrs Forster should not have asked for me, for I am two years the older. NARRATOR Lizzy was concerned about this development and went to see her father. LIZZY Father, you cannot let Lydia go to Brighton with all those soldiers. It cannot end well, I'm sure of it. All of us with lose our good reputations through her bad behaviour. MR BENNET / THIRD DOCTOR Lydia will never be easy till she has exposed herself in some public place or other, and we can never expect her to do it with so little expense or inconvenience to her family as under the present circumstances. LIZZY Yes, but - MR BENNET Didn't you notice how many times her knickers have been seen on camera? If she wishes to do the same at Brighton, I don't see that it will make much difference. LIZZY [gamely trying to continue] If you were aware of the very great disadvantage to us all I am sure you would judge differently in the matter. MR BENNET Has she frightened away some of your lovers? Poor little Lizzy! But do not be cast down. Such squeamish youths as cannot bear to be connected with a little absurdity, are not worth regret. And if she's scared the Brigadier or the Master away, I should have thought you would be grateful! LIZZY Indeed you are mistaken. I am complaining of general evils - our importance, our very respectability in the world is brought into question by Lydia's character. MR BENNET Now, now, Lizzy, do not upset yourself. Colonel Forster is a sensible man and he and his wife will look after her. At Brighton, she will find herself of no importance and that may teach her her own insignificance. NARRATOR On the last day of the regiment remaining in Meryton, Lizzy encountered Mr Wickham once more. LIZZY I met Colonel Fitzwilliam when I was staying near Rosings. He and Mr Darcy stayed there for three weeks and we saw them frequently. Are you acquainted with the Colonel? MR WICKHAM [looking worried] Yes. His manners are very different from his cousin's. LIZZY Yes, very different. It's hard to believe that they are related. But I think Mr Darcy improves on acquaintance. MR WICKHAM [looking even more concerned] You can't mean to tell me that he now deigns to talk to the rank and file - I dare not hope that he has improved in essentials. LIZZY Oh no! In essentials, I believe he is very much what he ever was. MR WICKHAM [smiling insincerely] It must have been the influence of Lady Catherine de Bourgh. He is greatly in awe of her, I believe. LIZZY [unable to keep back a snort of laughter] Really? [MR WICKHAM hurries away. Off-stage, there is the inexplicable sound of a scuffle.] * NARRATOR Lydia and the regiment departed for Brighton and everything at Meryton and Longbourn returned to normal. The next event expected was the arrival of Elizabeth's Aunt and Uncle Gardiner (with whom Jane had stayed in London). They planned a trip to the Lakes with Elizabeth. Unfortunately, their arrival brought the news that they must visit Derbyshire and the Peaks instead. [A carriage is standing outside Longbourn and KITTY, LIZZY, JANE, MRS BENNET, MR BENNET and MARY come out to meet the newcomers.] [ROMANA I emerges from the carriage, dragging the FOURTH DOCTOR by the ear.] NARRATOR Oh dear. That shouldn't have happened. FOUR Ow! Look, I don't do living characters and I don't do lines. ROMANA / AUNT GARDINER I am *not* letting you get away with it again. [To the assembled Bennets] I've already had to resuscitate him when he tried to fake a heart attack on the way here. MR GARDINER / FOUR [sulkily] I only do dead fathers. I demand to speak to someone! NARRATOR Mr Gardiner, we may have to have a discussion about your casting arrangement. MR GARDINER Well, it's not fair and I won't do it! LIZZY Doctor - er, Uncle - you're being childish. ROMANA / AUNT GARDINER What casting arrangement? I don't wish to be involved in this, either. Can't I get an exemption card? I'm happy to play dead mothers if needed, but I refuse to keep playing his abandoned widow! FOUR / MR GARDINER Well, I don't know. It's just a little understanding I seem to have with the Book. Now I'm not dead and I've got lines and everything. I want to make a complaint! NARRATOR [with a sigh] Izzy warned me about this. She said things have been getting odd at storytime lately - I suppose that's how you got this part. You're only ever supposed to be cast as a deceased character to ensure that there is no excessive damage to the storyline. FOUR What! Are you saying that it doesn't trust me? Of all the downright cheek - a brainless pile of paper and ink discriminating against me! NARRATOR I think it was believed that you might be ... tempted to alter the story, scene steal and otherwise misbehave. ROMANA / AUNT GARDINER [folding her arms and smirking] Ha! Deal with your agent, indeed! The Book has decided that the only good Fourth Doctor is a dead Fourth Doctor! FOUR Now, hang about - NARRATOR I don't know what happened, you getting an active part in this. I suppose it got so used to casting you as the father, that it tried with Mr Bennet, and when that failed, pushed you in here. Izzy did say things were getting very strange. MR BENNET / THIRD DOCTOR I see. It all makes sense now. FOUR Sense? It makes less sense than an early Cyberman on sherbet! And this only applies to *me*, does it? NARRATOR Well, I understand that involvement of villains and certain other characters has been limited so far, but... yes. FOUR / MR GARDINER Right. Why are we standing around here, wasting time? We've got a story to tell! If we stay here yammering, Lizzy will never marry Mr Darcy! LIZZY [under her breath] Well, that'd be something... NARRATOR [to FOUR] I think you may get to go fishing. MR GARDINER Splendid! Couldn't be better! Nice to see you, Mr Bennet - and how's my sister? [Hugs NANCY / MRS BENNET before pausing and looking at her] You're supposed to be my sister? MRS BENNET I'm afraid so. Now come in, and we can all have a fungus sandwich and some dandelion wine. LIZZY [winking at the unseen NARRATOR] Nice work, Barbara. NARRATOR It's only what Izzy told me... * NARRATOR The next morning, Elizabeth set off with her Aunt and Uncle for Derbyshire. Since this is not a travel book, we shall say no more until they arrived at Lambton, where Mrs Gardiner had grown up - a little town a mere five miles away from Pemberley. After being assured that the family were away, Elizabeth saw no harm in a trip to Pemberley, Mr Darcy's house and estate. [AUNT GARDINER, MR GARDINER and LIZZY are sitting in a horse and carriage heading down the drive to a backdrop on which is painted an impressive stately house. Some moments later, they dismount and knock at the door.] HOUSEKEEPER / CORPORAL BELL [opening the door and ushering them inside] Yes, of course you may come in and have a look around. LIZZY [to herself, looking at everything around her] And to think that of all this I might have been mistress! I could have invited my Aunt and Uncle here, to my own house... No, wait - Mr Darcy would never have allowed it. My Aunt and Uncle would have been lost to me! MR GARDINER Charming view from the window. You wouldn't be taken by surprise by marauding Mummies from up here. AUNT G If you don't behave, I shall slap you. MR GARDINER What? What did I say? I make an innocent comment, entirely in character, and I'm threatened with violence! I worry about you, my girl. HOUSEKEEPER Perhaps you would like to see a portrait of the master - MR GARDINER A portrait of The Master? LIZZY [hastily] No, she means Mr Darcy. The Master is Mr Collins. THE HOUSEKEEPER [motioning at the picture, which turns out to be the Mona Lisa] There. Is he not a most handsome gentleman? AUNT GARDINER Well, Lizzy, is it a good likeness? [LIZZY is struck dumb.] MR GARDINER [grinning widely] And is Miss Darcy as handsome as her brother? HOUSEKEEPER Oh, yes, sir - the handsomest young lady that was ever seen. And my master is the best of men. I'm sure I don't know anyone who would be good enough for him. LIZZY Are you sure I can't run away? NARRATOR No. * NARRATOR Later on, when crossing the grounds to leave, they unexpectedly ran into the owner himself - Mr Darcy! MR GARDINER [staring at DARCY / BRIGADIER] It's *you*? MR DARCY [with a resigned sigh] Yes. Unfortunately. Hello, again, Miss Bennet. It's very good to see you. LIZZY Oh no! I'm so embarrassed! I hardly know what to say! MR GARDINER *You* are supposed to be *Mr Darcy*? MR DARCY I thought we'd established that. Miss Bennet, perhaps you would introduce me to your friends? MR GARDINER [laughing loudly] Ha! HAH! THE BRIGADIER IS MR DARCY? Well, now I know that this book has no sense in casting at all. AUNT GARDINER [kicking MR G hard] How nice to meet you, Mr Darcy. We are Elizabeth's aunt and uncle from Cheapside. MR DARCY How nice to meet you, madam. [Stiffly] And you sir, do you fish? [MR GARDINER is still laughing. LIZZY grabs him by the lapels of his coats and drags him off] LIZZY Stop it! Now you've hurt the Brig's feelings. MR GARDINER Well, how could that dunderhead be Mr Darcy? Jane would be turning in her grave! LIZZY I *know* you didn't meet Jane Austen, so don't start that! Come back and behave nicely, or everyone will think that the book was right. MR GARDINER What do I care? The book thinks casting blundering blockheads as one of the world's most famous romantic heroes is acceptable behaviour. Well, I don't! I think it's a disgrace, a shameless mockery of the - LIZZY [beginning to despair] Doctor, please - MR GARDINER [brightening suddenly] Wait! Did he mention fishing? Sarah - LIZZY *Lizzy!* MR GARDINER Lizzy, he mentioned fishing! [MR GARDINER heads back to MRS G and MR DARCY at a run, LIZZY trailing behind in exasperation.] MR DARCY [eying him warily] Believe me, I didn't ask for this. MR GARDINER Oh, I'm sure you didn't. MR DARCY [continuing as best as he can] I will be joined tomorrow by a group of friends. I particularly wish to introduce you to my sister Georgiana. LIZZY Of course. NARRATOR Lizzy was thoroughly embarrassed by the meeting and puzzled as to what could have brought about this softening of Mr Darcy's character. MR DARCY Oh. It's very good to see you, Miss Sm- Bennet! LIZZY I'm going to die...! NARRATOR But not before we reach the end of this story. * NARRATOR Afterwards, her aunt and uncle discussed how impressed they had been by Mr Darcy. MR GARDINER Ha! Not likely. MRS GARDINER There is something a little stately in his air, but it is not unbecoming to him. Some people may call him proud, but I have seen nothing of it. MR GARDINER The Brigadier as Mr Darcy! Nobody could take this seriously. I want to know when I get to go fishing. LIZZY Doctor, can you try? It feels as though we've been trapped in this for years and I want to get to the end and get out of here. MR GARDINER Oh, all right. I suppose the fellow didn't seem too bad. *Now* can I go fishing? [LIZZY puts her head in her hands] * NARRATOR Mr Darcy was not long in bringing his sister to meet Lizzy at the inn at Lambton. MR DARCY Miss Bennet, this is my sister, Georgiana. GEORGIANA / VICTORIA I'm afraid I'm so shy I can barely speak to you. LIZZY Never mind, I understand. MR DARCY I had to bring someone else along - he was most insistent on coming to pay his regards - [MR BINGLEY / HARRY SULLIVAN enters at speed, nearly tripping over the step up to the room] LIZZY [smiling] Mr Bingley! MR BINGLEY [hugging her] I say, it's good to see you again, Lizzy! And are *all* your sisters still at Longbourn? None of them are, for instance, here with you now? LIZZY All my family are at home, sir - save one. My sister Lydia has gone to Brighton. MR BINGLEY [hiding his relief] Thank the -. I mean, I'm sorry to hear that. LIZZY It's all right; she wanted to go to Brighton. MR DARCY Please join us this evening. I am counting on you, or S-Bingley and I will be left alone with Miss Hawthorne, Miss Winters and Sergeant Benton as well, while Victoria has a go at playing the piano. GEORGIANA Don't worry, I can play the piano perfectly well. If I can overcome my shyness. * NARRATOR Later, Mr and Mrs Gardiner and Elizabeth went to Pemberley to meet the rest of the party. [LIZZY and MRS GARDINER are sitting with MISS DARCY, MISS BINGLEY and MRS HURST and try to make conversation.] LIZZY Charming weather, isn't it? MISS BINGLEY / MISS HILDA WINTERS I might have known that would have been the limit of your conversation. Yes, the atmospheric conditions have been pleasant. MRS GARDINER [pointedly] Although this evening seems to be a little chillier. GEORGIANA I'm so shy I really daren't say a word. MRS HURST / MISS HAWTHORNE Well, we must talk about something, everyone. So, hands up who believes in magic? MRS GARDINER It depends what you mean by magic, Mrs Hurst. I think most things can be explained by science, but it has to be admitted that no one has understood all the mysteries of the universe. After travelling with the - Mr Gardiner, I don't think I would be as quick to rule it out as I once would have done. MISS BINGLEY Balderdash! I'm surprised at that from someone as supposedly as intelligent as you. But then, if we look at your dress sense, I think we find -. MRS GARDINER [icily] I beg your pardon? Is something wrong with my dress sense? MISS HAWTHORNE It was only an innocent question. Let's not argue. MISS BINGLEY A singularly inept response, I might add. [LIZZY makes a face at GEORGIANA. A long and awkward pause follows.] MISS BINGLEY So how are your family, Miss Bennet? LIZZY They are well. Oh, look, here come the gentlemen! MISS BINGLEY [smiling insincerely] So, have the militia removed from Meryton, Miss Bennet? That must be a very great loss to *your* family! LIZZY [as she, MR DARCY and GEORGIANA exchange alarmed looks] We bear it as well as we can, Miss Bingley. * NARRATOR After Elizabeth and the Gardiners had left, the party discussed their guests. MISS BINGLEY How very ill Eliza Bennet looks today, Mr Darcy. I never in my life saw anyone so altered as she is since the winter. She is grown so brown and coarse. Louisa and I were agreeing that we should not have known her again. MRS HURST (Louisa) I never said anything of the sort. MISS BINGLEY I'm doing my best with this wretched story, even though it's of absolutely no benefit to society and the rest of you - MR DARCY I wouldn't say that. MISS BINGLEY What? Be specific, Mr Darcy! MR DARCY I don't think this novel is of no benefit to society. I can think of quite a few people who might gain from considering their behaviour - and their manners - more closely, Miss Bingley. Although, given the choice, I wouldn't have ended up *inside* it. And no, I don't think Miss Bennet was altered. But then it was only a few minutes ago I last saw her. NARRATOR "She was rather tanned..." Why am I even trying? MR DARCY I'd have thought you would have appreciated the defence of Miss Austen. NARRATOR [weakly] Yes. Thank you, Brigadier. MISS BINGLEY [not at all pleased] For my own part, I must confess that I never could see any beauty in her. Her face is too thin; her complexion has no brilliancy; and her features are not at all handsome. Her nose wants character. Her teeth are tolerable, but nothing out of the common way; her clothes are entirely impractical and as for her eyes, which have sometimes been called fine, I never could - MR HURST / SERGEANT BENTON I always thought she had good teeth. MR BINGLEY [angrily] I don't know how you have the nerve to call her ugly, Caroline. Have you looked in the mirror? NARRATOR Do you want any more lines, Mr Bingley? Mr Hurst? MR BINGLEY & MR HURST [sheepishly] No, Miss. MR BINGLEY But all the same, for her to go on and on about Sarah like that - NARRATOR [coughs meaningfully] Mr Bingley - MR BINGLEY I don't like to be insulting to anyone, but if she's going to start saying things about Miss Bennet's appearance, when she claims not to worry about things like that - NARRATOR Mr Bingley, will you let your sister finish her sentence and leave the defence of Elizabeth to Mr Darcy? MISS BINGLEY And as for her so called 'fine eyes', I never could perceive anything extraordinary in them. They have a sharp, shrewish look - MR BINGLEY Oh, I say! Come off it - how about that for the pot calling the kettle black? NARRATOR Right Mr Bingley, please leave the room - and that's another set of a hundred lines for you! [MR BINGLEY leaves] MR DARCY I don't wish to be obstructive, Miss Wright, but as a matter of discipline, I feel that Sullivan should have more than a hundred lines for punching a superior officer. MISS BINGLEY Shall I continue or would you rather argue about writing lines instead of letting me say them? NARRATOR Carry on, Miss Bingley, you're doing a splendid job of appearing as a spiteful spinster. MISS BINGLEY [her eyes narrowing] In her air there is a self-sufficiency without fashion, which is intolerable. She should listen to the advice of the Scientific Reform Society and learn to be a rational person. I remember how amazed we all were to find her a reputed beauty in Hertfordshire and I particularly remember you, Mr Darcy, saying at Netherfield, "She a beauty! - I should as soon call her mother a wit." But afterwards she seemed to improve on you. I believe you thought her rather pretty at one time. MR DARCY Yes, but that was only when I first knew her, for it is many months since I have considered her as one of the handsomest women of my acquaintance. * NARRATOR [in an aside] Well done, Mr Darcy. You're almost getting the hang of this. MR DARCY Not really - anything to put that awful woman in her place! * NARRATOR Unfortunately for everyone, Lizzy was about to receive a letter with terrible news from home... * To be continued, in which something odd happens to Mr Wickham, Lydia causes trouble for everyone and the Brigadier wonders if he might have to propose. Again. Hopefully, only one more part to come (and nobody can be hoping that more than me...!) Full credits at end, but people may notice the shameless rewriting of Austen. Part One - Part Two - Part Three - Part Five - Part Six
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