[Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]
[SOL, Theater interior]
[The five enter the theater from a door on the right, all carrying popcorn
and drinks, except for MUTSUMI, who is carrying a slice of watermelon.
NYSSA takes the aisle seat, with NUMBER ONE on her left, the DOUG,
then HELEN, then MUTSUMI on the far left end.]
NYSSA: (to MUTSUMI) So, do you understand what to do in here?
MUTSUMI: I think so. I just read the story and say what it makes me
think of as we go, right?
NUMBER ONE: And try to be, y'know, funny.
MUTSUMI: Is that 'ha-ha' funny, or 'funny' like you and Helen seem to
NUMBER ONE: [chokes]
DOUG: (to HELEN) I think she'll fit in...
[A screen lights up in front of the five and words begin to appear on it.]
> Redemption -- By Robert Marks
MUTSUMI: Ooh, I know this one! Robert marks are what you have
after somebody beats you with a Robert!
OTHERS: [stare at MUTSUMI]
HELEN: Y'know, it's the look of total sincerity when she says these
things that creeps me out...
> Story (c) 1996 Robert Marks; Doctor Who is a trademark of the
NUMBER ONE: The BBC, also known as Al-Jazeera's British affiliate.
>Author's note: This adventure takes place in between "Shadows and
DOUG: ...so you should probably have a flashlight handy.
>and the Internet Adventure "Six Sides to Every Story". This story
>also contains mature content matter,
MUTSUMI: How nice. That means it'll involve things like holding a
job and paying bills, right?
NYSSA: Actually, 'mature content' in fan fiction usually translates as
'a couple of swear words and somebody mentions sex indirectly'. The
next step up is 'adult content', which means 'everyone throws around
the F-word as if it were their middle name and anyone who gets more
than two lines gets something put in an orifice'.
DOUG: (to NYSSA, sympathetically) You've been at this too long.
NYSSA: I've been at this _far_ too long.
>reader discretion is advised.
> The Cast
>The Doctor: Paul McGann
HELEN: The man, the legend, the bit of rough...
>Grace Holloway: Daphne Ashbrook
DOUG: ...who _can_ act her way out of a paper bag. If you wet it
>The Valeyard: Michael Jayston
>Carrie: Helen Hunt
NUMBER ONE: Owner of the mightiest tube-top in movie history.
That tornado in 'Twister' could yank nails out of a board, but it never
_budged_ that damn tube-top of hers.
NYSSA: You were rooting for the tornado, I take it?
NUMBER ONE: I sure didn't watch that thing for the _plot_.
>Jameson: David Warner
DOUG: ...and Jerry Mathers as the Beaver.
> Part I
> The phone booth faded into existence outside of a large
>warehouse with a grinding noise. The phone booth was a bit
>remarkable in that it had larger doors than usual, and the doors
>were opaque, showing nothing of the inside. On the outside was a
>posted sign saying "Out of order".
DOUG: ...in which respect it resembled the vast majority of phone
booths, at least in Chicago. Except that there's no passed-out crack
addict lying in it.
HELEN: (to DOUG) We don't know that yet.
> The doors opened to reveal a tall, hawk-nosed man in a black
>longcoat and turtleneck.
MUTSUMI: And no pants? [blushes] I don't think I'd check the
change slot on that phone, then.
DOUG: Perhaps he misunderstood the phone company's 'Reach out
and touch someone' slogan.
>The man looked around at where the
>phone booth was, gave a brief smile, and then walked into the
NUMBER ONE: (phone booth man) I'm pantless, happy, and feeeeling
NYSSA: (Kumikumi) Cover your hoo-hah, dear.
> As soon as the man entered, another man, who looked like an
>elderly university professor, dressed in a casual tweed sports
>jacket, greeted him.
MUTSUMI: And he's not wearing pants, either? Oh dear, oh dear. I
almost don't like where this is going.
NYSSA: [blinks at MUTSUMI] 'Almost'?
> "Lord Valeyard," the man said.
> "Doctor Jameson," the Valeyard returned. "I received your
NUMBER ONE: (Valeyard) It seems the Boer troops were better-
prepared than you had expected.
DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE) I don't think this is L. Starr Jameson.
> "Things have changed since that report, I'm afraid," said
> "How so?" the Valeyard asked.
MUTSUMI: Some matter in the universe has converted to energy,
while most of the rest has changed position in accordance with the
Laws of Motion. And Dr. Jameson took off his pants. [giggles]
NYSSA: Uh... yes, that.
> "Unfortunately, under closer examination of the situation,
>we have found the casket to be incomplete," Jameson stated. The
>Valeyard grimaced. He had been expecting this.
HELEN: Which was why he _asked_, right?
MUTSUMI: Expected surprises are always the hardest to deal with.
> "We must find the other pieces," the Valeyard said, walking
>over to the casket. It was about the size of a coffin, with high
>Gallifreyan markings on it.
> "If your memory could be of use, sir," Jameson began. The
>Valeyard put up his hand.
HELEN: (Valeyard) Meet my new companion, Rosie Palm...
> "My eighth persona wiped the information from his mind," the
DOUG: Yeah, that happens when you chug bong water.
>"I do not know where the other pieces of the Hand
>of Omega are."
NUMBER ONE: If you believe the rumors, you might try looking
for them on the Thigh of Rassilon.
> "The search could take years," Jameson stated.
> "No," the Valeyard commented. "It will be done very soon.
NYSSA: (Valeyard, as Rowan Atkinson) ...because I have a plan so
cunning, you could give it a beard and make it King of Ithaca.
DOUG: (Jameson) And what's that?
NYSSA: (Valeyard, as Rowan Atkinson) Simple. I tell you to find it by
lunchtime tomorrow, or I'll rip your trachea out.
>My eighth persona will be coming here soon, looking for the
>pieces. We will follow him and use him to reassemble the Hand."
> "Is there anything else you remember?"
> "Only that he will be here," the Valeyard looked puzzled,
>suddenly. "Even the aftermath is a blank for some reason."
MUTSUMI: [nods] He probably got hit in the head with a watermelon.
That always makes _me_ lose a few days' worth of memories.
HELEN: (to MUTSUMI) How often does that happen to you?
MUTSUMI: Only a couple of times a month... that I remember, anyway.
> * * *
NUMBER ONE: A three-star rating? What kind of dope was Rex Reed
smoking when he reviewed this?
> Grace Holloway was not having a good day. The hospital she
>had applied to had turned her down, citing lack of funding.
DOUG: In reality, the San Francisco hospital systems just couldn't hire
a hetero Caucasian woman without getting sued for it.
>had left her unemployed and without a means of supporting
NUMBER ONE: [shrugs] There's always 'the world's oldest
MUTSUMI: (to NUMBER ONE) Oh my, is there that much of a
demand for hunter-gatherers these days?
>She looked ruefully at the FOR SALE sign in front of
>her house. It was a time for desperate measures.
NYSSA: She would use the sign to lure in the poor, unwitting realtors
whose corpses would then provide her with funds... and nourishment.
DOUG: [looks at NYSSA] I must remember to keep you away from my
Clive Barker books from now on...
> Well, she did have to do some grocery shopping. She put on
NYSSA: ...and ski mask, pocketed her ice pick...
>took the last of her money, and stepped out the
>door, nearly colliding with the blue police box that hadn't been
>there a moment earlier.
MUTSUMI: I'll bet that would hurt more than getting hit with a
watermelon. Plus, when watermelons hit your head, they bust open
and spread nice, juicy watermelon chunks all around, but if you busted
a police box with your head, all you'd get out of it would be policemen.
OTHERS: [stare at MUTSUMI]
> "Now, we must be careful, K9," came a familiar voice from
>the other side of the box. "Micro-technology is still in a
>primitive form in this era. Don't look too impressive."
NYSSA: Don't worry, he doesn't.
NUMBER ONE: I always thought he looked like some kind of toaster.
> Grace did her best not to run around the box. She found the
>Doctor, still in his nineteenth century clothing,
HELEN: Gaiters, a corset, and a coonskin cap.
MUTSUMI: No pants? Oh my...
DOUG: Actually, I think I saw that in the last Madonna video.
>talking to a small robot dog.
NUMBER ONE: One convenient thing about robot dogs -- magnetic
MUTSUMI: I think a bad name for a robot dog would be 'Rusty'.
> "Hello, Grace," the Doctor said, as if no time had passed.
>"Jelly Baby?" He held one out, probably expecting a witty
>comment or greeting.
NYSSA: (Grace) No thanks, I'm on the Atkins Diet.
> Grace hugged him instead. The Doctor looked startled for a
DOUG: (Doctor) Eww! Now I've got cooties!
>and then relaxed. "Where have you been for the last five
>years?" she asked.
> "Well, actually, I just did some redecorating and faced an
>old enemy, that's all," the Doctor replied. "Oh, this is K9."
> The robot dog lifted its head. "Greetings, mistress," it
NUMBER ONE: (K-9) Permission to hump your leg, mistress?
HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE) Sure, hop on.
NYSSA: (to HELEN and NUMBER ONE) Save that for when I'm not
around and trying to keep down a meal.
> Grace grinned for a minute. "How sweet," she commented.
>"Why are you here, anyway?"
MUTSUMI: Because if he was somewhere else, you would be talking
to yourself, silly.
> "I was created by..." K9 began.
> "Not you," Grace said. She looked at the Doctor. "You."
> "Well, I was wondering if you wanted a vacation."
> Grace nodded. "Yes," she said. "A vacation would be
HELEN: (Doctor) Okay, that answers my question. See you later!
> * * *
DOUG: (to MUTSUMI) What is?
MUTSUMI: [points at screen] Identical snowflakes. I always heard
that was impossible...
NUMBER ONE: Heh. Where I come from, that'd be enough snow to
> Carrie ran and ran. They were chasing her again.
NYSSA: So, why doesn't she use her psychokinesis to slaughter them
DOUG: I don't think it's _that_ Carrie.
>taken her more than a year to get over the drugs that the pimps
>had put into her, and she had finally gotten out of the
>prostitution ring that she had been trapped in. Now they were
>after her. She had been lucky the last time, she had gotten
>away. This time she would be very lucky to.
NYSSA: Wow. That's a lot of drama, a lot of soulful angst, and an
abundance of pathos there... that's just been completely destroyed
by a presentation so dry it could dehydrate sand.
> She turned down an alley, glad to see that there was another
>exit. She ran for all she was worth.
NUMBER ONE: $28.36, to be exact, or infinity-minus-one dollars
> Behind her she could hear her pursuants gaining.
MUTSUMI: 'Pursuant' is an adverb meaning 'according', isn't it?
NUMBER ONE: I'll bet the author's a Canuck and it's some sort of
French-Canadian slang term for 'people you surrender to'.
> * * *
HELEN: The constellation Ellipsis.
> The Valeyard walked down the alley. As he remembered, this
>was where his eighth persona would land. All he would have to do
>is wait and follow the Doctor. The Doctor would begin to collect
>the other parts of the Hand of Omega as soon as he found that the
>casket was missing.
DOUG: And then he'd use them to power up to Super-Saiyajin.
NYSSA: (to DOUG) Hand of Omega, not the Dragon Balls.
> From the other end of the alley he heard screams of terror,
>and savage grunts.
NUMBER ONE: Someone's being forced to watch Michael Moore do
jumping-jacks! Oh, the humanity!
>The Valeyard had only a minute of indecision.
> "Rassilon!" he cursed, striding down the alley. If those
>thugs ruined his plans, twenty years of preparation would be for
DOUG: He spends twenty years setting up a plan that can be
completely derailed by the presence of some random goons? Wow.
That falls short of even 'Scooby Doo'-quality villainy.
>As he turned the corner, the sight he saw would have
>horrified his earlier personas.
MUTSUMI: (shocked) Dead watermelons and a shattered kotatsu
OTHERS: [stare at MUTSUMI]
MUTSUMI: (earnestly) Those were the most horrifying things _I_
could think of.
> A pretty woman with brown hair was being raped by four
>thugs, one of them with a knife to her throat.
NYSSA: And again we have a scene of almost epic dry
understatement along the lines of, 'I dropped the atom bomb and
it went off.' That's just--
NUMBER ONE: (interrupting) I'm confused as to who has the knife
to the female thug's throat.
[NYSSA pulls a knife from under her seat and puts it against NUMBER
ONE's neck. NUMBER ONE goes very still.]
NYSSA: I do. Now stop interrupting me. Er... Crud. I've forgotten
what I was going to say now. [puts knife away]
>The girl herself
>had just lost consciousness. One of the thugs began to slap her
>awake, the man with the knife easing off for a minute so that her
>throat wouldn't be cut. What looked to be the head thug looked
>up at the Valeyard.
HELEN: (thug) Ah, now _there's_ a bit of tail more to my taste!
> "Kill him, and then the girl," the thug said.
> The Valeyard found it a matter of ease to project fear into
>the simple minds of the thugs, forcing them to run as though the
>very demons of hell were chasing them.
DOUG: ...instead of a pitiful prancing drama queen.
MUTSUMI: ...with no pants.
> "Simpletons," he spat. He looked down at the girl.
> If he left her here, the Doctor would certainly find her and
>try to help, his earlier personas had a knack for that sort of
>thing. If he killed her then the Doctor would investigate the
NYSSA: Not if he did a proper job of disposing of the body. Now,
some experts recommend wood chippers and vats of acid for victim
disposal, but I've found that a good temporary solution is to stick
the corpse behind a desk at the Department of Motor Vehicles, where
its total lack of movement and increasing stench will not seem at all
remarkable to passers-by.
HELEN: (to NYSSA) You know, you scare me sometimes.
NYSSA: [scowls] You'd be wiser to be scared of me _all_ the time.
>Neither alternative was acceptable.
> "Rassilon!" the Valeyard muttered under his breath. He
>didn't need this. He picked up the woman and began to carry her
>towards his TARDIS.
NYSSA: Smart move. Kill her in there, where there won't be any
evidence left behind.
>As he exited the alleyway he heard a
>grinding noise behind him. His eighth persona had arrived.
DOUG: And from the fangrrls, there was much rejoicing.
> * * *
NUMBER ONE: And here we see the footprints of the rare six-toed
MUTSUMI: That would be a good name for a band.
> In the control room, the Doctor looked out through the
>viewscreen. Grace was still trying to compare the roundeled
>subdued decor to the gothic architecture of the other half of the
> "Nothing of note outside," the Doctor reported. "We just
>have to check that something is still where I left it, and then
>we'll be off."
HELEN: With that, he unzipped his pants and looked down in them.
"Uh-oh," he said, "it's moved off to the left."
> "Query, master," K9 piped up.
NUMBER ONE: No, he's straight. He just comes off that way 'cause
HELEN: [whaps NUMBER ONE on the head] 'Query', not 'queer'.
And watch the Brit jokes, darling.
>"Where will we be going?"
> "Wherever Grace wants to go," the Doctor replied, giving a
>quick smile to Grace. "Within reason, of course."
DOUG: (Grace) I want to go to some exotic planet that looks just like a
HELEN: (Grace, sultry) Take me wherever, but just take me.
> "We should get something to eat first," Grace stated. "I'm
NYSSA: That's right, she never got 'round to cannibalizing a realtor,
did she? [laughs darkly]
MUTSUMI: That's why you should always keep a watermelon handy.
> "I suppose we can go to a restaurant," the Doctor said. He
>pulled the lever to open the doors. "You'd better stay here, K9.
>We are in the same era as before."
> * * *
MUTSUMI: (singing) Twinkle, twinkle little star/How I wonder what
you are/A self-sustaining fusion reaction would be my guess...
> Carrie awoke to find herself on a bed in a large grey room.
>The walls were covered by roundels, and in the center of the room
>was a computer console of some sort.
DOUG: A brand-new TRS-80 with a whopping 16k of RAM, baby!
MUTSUMI: (to DOUG, giggling) You're really dating yourself!
NUMBER ONE: (to MUTSUMI) It's not like anybody _else_ would
> "What happened," she murmured, rubbing her head. Flashes of
>memory came to her, something she didn't want to remember.
HELEN: ...the movie 'Gigli'.
> "You were raped," came an aristocratic voice. The voice
>came from a man standing at the console. "I saved you. You will
>remain here and touch nothing. I must go out and take care of
>something important. Then I will be back."
NUMBER ONE: The Terminator you're not, Valley Girl.
> The memories came back in a flood, breaking down her
>composure. She could only sit and weep as visions of knives and
>violations filled her head.
DOUG: Also known as a Taliban courtship.
> As she was crying, the Valeyard opened the door and stepped
>out into the street. He had to intercept the Doctor.
> * * *
NUMBER ONE: (singing) Hello, tiny star/Can you hear me call?
NYSSA: [whaps NUMBER ONE on the head] Don't sing that! It
makes me cry! [wipes eyes]
DOUG: Wow. Who knew Nyssa was channeling the spirit of Charlene
HELEN: You know you lot are getting too obscure when it's easier to
follow Watermelon Girl's comments than yours.
MUTSUMI: Watermelon Girl? That's a nice name. It sounds much
better than my other nicknames.
NYSSA: (to MUTSUMI) I know I'll regret asking, but what other
MUTSUMI: Well, there's 'Turtle Lady' and 'Three-Time Loser' and
'Big-Breasted Weirdo', although I don't think I was supposed to hear
Notes - Part One - Part Three - Part Four - Part Five - Part Six - Part Seven