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---- [Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] ---- [SOL Theater Interior] [All five enter the theater as usual and take their accustomed seats.] HELEN: (to OTHERS) So, anything happen while I was pining? MUTSUMI: (To HELEN, brightly) Nyssa was being very clever, I didn't spot any turtles, and Doug was vaguely insulting to me, but not in any way that I minded. DOUG: [chokes] [A screen in front of the five lights up and words begin to appear on it.] > >And here it is at long last: part II of _Redemption_. Hopefully part III >will not take me another month (my essay load got lighter recently, >so...). NYSSA: Lucky you. As for _us_... > >By the way, this story makes reference to an event in the MIA >_Promise of the Daleks_ chapter I, for those that are interested. NUMBER ONE: (author) And for those that _aren't_ interested, this intro makes reference to you biting me. > >Robert Marks, part-time Time Lord MUTSUMI: Wouldn't that be a Part-Time Lord, then? Or a Temp- Lord? > > Redemption -- By Robert Marks > DOUG: Well, I guess that's a lot easier than redemption by good works... > Story (c) 1996 Robert Marks; Doctor Who is a trademark of the > BBC. NUMBER ONE: The BBC: still not as biased as Pravda, but working hard to fix that. >Author's note: This adventure takes place in between "Shadows and > Darkness" and the Internet Adventure "Six Sides to > Every Story". This story also contains mature > content matter, reader discretion is advised. > HELEN: Yeah, yeah, we've seen all this. Somebody hit fast-forward. > > The Cast > >The Doctor: Paul McGann >Grace Holloway: Daphne Ashbrook >K9: Himself >The Valeyard: Michael Jayston >Carrie: Helen Hunt >Jameson: David Warner MUTSUMI: I'm getting deja-vu all over again. > > Part II NUMBER ONE: (Miss Yukari) Two times the fan service! NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE) Fan _service_? It's easier to just replace them... > > "You never did tell any of your companions who you were, did >you?" the Valeyard began. "Not surprising, though. How many >people did we help Rassilon kill in our first incarnation? >Twenty thousand, thirty? I never can remember." > > "They weren't meant to die!" the Doctor shouted, and then >covered his face. "No, I didn't mean to confirm that..." > DOUG: Yada yada, whatever. Let's get to the _fresh_ hurting. > "What?" Grace looked confused. > > "Yes miss Holloway," the Valeyard said. "The Doctor and I >are both war criminals." > > Grace looked at the Doctor, only to find him looking >completely defeated. > > Finally the Doctor looked up at Grace. MUTSUMI: (worried) Ooh, now I'm getting Vuja-de. It's strange... almost as if this part... hasn't happened before... OTHERS: [stare at MUTSUMI] >"He exaggerates," >the Time Lord said. "He is good at making everything look bad." DOUG: The nerve of that guy! Trying to make a few thousand dead people out to be a completely bad thing! You have to factor in, on the plus side, that they're all biodegradable. > > The Valeyard grinned, and walked past the Doctor, heading up >the stairs. "I'll leave you to sort this little problem out," he >said. "Goodbye Doctor. I'll see you when I have MUTSUMI: ...found my pants. >the rest of the >Hand of Omega." The Valeyard walked out the door, running into >Jameson on the way out. HELEN: (to OTHERS) You know, I've come up with a much better title for this story. 'The Hand Job'. [OTHERS boo and throw popcorn at HELEN, except for MUTSUMI, who throws watermelon seeds] > > "I am here, Lord Valeyard," Jameson said. > > "Follow the Doctor, and when he has the second piece of the >Hand of Omega, take it from him," the Valeyard ordered. NUMBER ONE: Brilliant! I know when I need surveillance and brute- force robbery skills, I always get pantless old university professors to tackle the job. Well, not 'tackle' it, 'cause their hips break, but you know what I mean. >"Do not >hurt him, or the girl. They both have their own destinies to >fulfill." With that the Valeyard walked back towards his TARDIS. >He would monitor Jameson's progress from there. NUMBER ONE: And also try out that cool 'Dino Wars' game on his TRS-80. DOUG: (loud) Sixteen big Ks of RAM, baby! Not four or eight, but sixteen! More computing power than any sane man could need! NYSSA: [shakes head] Those two get stranger every day. HELEN: (to NYSSA) Yeah, but the new bird's still stranger. MUTSUMI: (brightly) Do I seem strange to you? The turtles all say I'm pretty normal, but I guess you never can tell. > > * * * > > "What did he mean by saying you are a war criminal?" Grace >demanded, blocking the door. DOUG: (Doctor, singing) I am just an aging drummer-boy/And in the wars I used to play/And I've called the tune/To many a torture session... > > "We really don't have time for this, Grace," the Doctor >protested. > > "You have a time machine," Grace pointed out. NYSSA: (Doctor) I also have a fist which your face will meet if you keep arguing with me. > > "That doesn't matter! Our first priority has to be to stop >him!" MUTSUMI: (Doctor) And our second has to be getting him some pants. > > "You tell me what he meant, and then I'll open the door," >Grace said, crossing her arms. NUMBER ONE: Don't cover your chest! Staring at those puppies is the only pleasure I'm getting from this story. HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE, purring) You can stare at mine. NUMBER ONE: (to HELEN) Thanks, but I'd rather stare at Mutsumi's. [HELEN and NYSSA scowl and punch NUMBER ONE out of her chair] MUTSUMI: [giggles] Oh my, oh my... > > "In my first incarnation, I borrowed a type 40 Time Travel >unit, and escaped to Rassilonian Gallifrey with my granddaughter >Susan," the Doctor began. HELEN: (Doctor) We had to get away! No one understood our 'special' relationship! NUMBER ONE: [climbs back into chair and whaps HELEN on the head] That was just wrong, even by _my_ standards. DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE) Since when do _you_ have standards? > > "You have a granddaughter? Does this mean you're married?" > > "Was married," the Doctor said, infinite pain in his eyes. NUMBER ONE: Yeah, I had infinite pain in my eyes while I was married, too. >"My wife died giving birth to my daughter, and she and my son-in- >law were killed in an accident. Both were 'rare' events. NYSSA: (Doctor) So rare that they had to be... helped along... Heh heh heh... >All >that was left of my family was Susan." > > "Oh," Grace whispered. "I'm sorry." > > "Don't be," the Doctor stated. NYSSA: (Doctor) I'm not. >"It was a long time ago. MUTSUMI: ...and in another country. And besides, the wench is dead. HELEN: (to MUTSUMI, surprised) _You_ know Marlowe? MUTSUMI: I'm a Tokyo U student. I know all kinds of things. >At >any rate, while I was there Rassilon commissioned me to aid in >some research in time travel. With my advanced knowledge, Susan >and I quickly advanced to become Rassilon's key advisors. At >this point, Susan coined the acronym 'TARDIS'. HELEN: Which stood for 'Tits And Rump Don't Inhabit Susan'. >Shortly after >that the first cullings began. DOUG: The usual end result of bad acronyms. NYSSA: (to DOUG) Correlation is not causation, Douggie. > > "I had to sign the forms for them to be carried out, and the >forms stated that they would be 're-educated'. I had no idea >that by that Rassilon meant 'killed'," NYSSA: What better way to educate people about death? >the Doctor looked >downcast. "Forty thousand people died because I signed those >papers. Once I found out about it, I couldn't continue on >Gallifrey with that on my conscience. NUMBER ONE: (Doctor) So I had my conscience surgically removed. >So, using the notes I had >made on how to use the TARDIS I stole Rassilon's most powerful >weapon and fled to the Earth of 1961." > > "And this weapon was..." DOUG: The Hand of Exposition. NUMBER ONE: A pointed stick. MUTSUMI: The Valeyard's pants. HELEN: The STD of Rassilon. NYSSA: The Fic of Marks. > "The Hand of Omega. ALL: D'oh! >It literally destroys stars, Grace; >creates supernovas. I couldn't allow Rassilon to use it against >those races that stood against him. NYSSA: So he compromised and used it against his allies instead. >So, while I enrolled Susan >in one of the local schools, HELEN: Not, alas, an acting school... >I bought some property and hid the >Hand of Omega. MUTSUMI: ...by putting a wig on it and referring to it as 'Aunt Prucilla' when anyone was around. >In 1963 I began travelling again, and since then >I have regenerated seven times." > > Grace looked astounded. "I had no idea," she almost >stammered. NYSSA: (darkly) I _do_ have an idea, but it involves fuel oil and fertilizer. > > "Well, now you do," said the Doctor. "Now will you let us >out so that we can recover the rest of the Hand?" NUMBER ONE: (Grace) Hey! I found the middle finger already! See? Oh, wait, that's mine... > > * * * > > Jameson was on the verge of going into the house to see if >they were still there when the Doctor and Grace emerged. HELEN: ...panting, sweaty, and with buttons mis-aligned. >He >followed as quietly as possible as the pair walked briskly down >the London streets. > > * * * > > Carrie stepped back from the console in amazement, DOUG: ...at the amazing graphic quality produced by the TRS-80 and its 16k of RAM. Pictures so realistic, it's almost like having someone describe them to you. >the facts >gleaned from the travel log pushing back the horrible reality of >her situation. NYSSA: Namely, that she was in the clutches of a prancing wuss. > > "I told you not to touch anything," came an aristocratic >voice. HELEN: [shrugs] Diane tells me that all the time, but I don't listen either. NUMBER ONE: (to HELEN) You miss Blondie already, don't you? HELEN: Yeah. I mean, to be fair, Mutsumi's got a nice set of melons-- MUTSUMI: (interrupting) I grew them myself! HELEN: Uh... right. Anyway, Watermelon Girl is nice and all, but it's just not the same without Diane... MUTSUMI: (to HELEN) Aw, you think I'm nice? That's so sweet. [MUTSUMI leans over and kisses HELEN right square on the lips. There is a moment of shocked silence, then MUTSUMI breaks the kiss, smiling apologetically, while HELEN just looks dazed.] MUTSUMI: I'm sorry, did I do that again? [giggles] I have this bad habit of kissing the people I like. NUMBER ONE: (eagerly) Mutsumi, you're so wonderful! I want to sit beside you now! [starts to get up, but NYSSA yanks her back down] NYSSA: (to NUMBER ONE) In your dreams, horndog. > > Carrie started and stepped back from the console as the >strange man stepped towards her. "Who are you?" she asked, NYSSA: (Valeyard, as Yoda) No, Who _was_ I. Valeyard am I now. DOUG: (to NYSSA) That was bad, even for me. [whaps NYSSA on the head] HELEN: [still dazed] ...tasted like watermelon... >suddenly very afraid again. NUMBER ONE and DOUG: (singing) Who's afraid of the Big Bad Wuss...? >The helplessness she had felt after >the violation came back to her in a bloody wave of images. NYSSA: (interested) Blood? Where? >"Are >you the Doctor?" MUTSUMI: (Valeyard) I'm a gynecologist. Well, okay, an amateur gynecologist. >She was amazed that her voice somehow was a bit >steady. > > "The Doctor died and regenerated into me," the man said. "I >am the Valeyard, and you have really put your simple foot in it >now." DOUG: Wasn't Simple Foot in 'The Land Before Time'? NUMBER ONE: That was Little Foot. HELEN: [shakes off stupor] (to MUTSUMI) Why did you just kiss me? MUTSUMI: (to HELEN) Kiss you? Did I kiss you? HELEN: What do you mean, 'did you'? You did it just now! MUTSUMI: I don't remember doing that. Are you sure it was me? HELEN: Yes! MUTSUMI: (thoughtful) I really don't think it was me. I would remember something like that. HELEN: [splutters] MUTSUMI: (thoughtful) I know! I'll bet you dreamed it! That happens to me all the time. Why, one time, I dreamed I was a turtle egg and when I woke up, my Mom was burying me in a sand pit at the beach. Then this seagull tried to eat me. OTHERS: [stare at MUTSUMI] HELEN: (to MUTSUMI) I think I'm going to just blank out the last five minutes. That's easier than talking to you. > > "How long have you been here?" Carrie asked. It was all she >could do not to fall back into tears. NYSSA: You know, it would be easy to see a dollop of sexism in this story, the way the women are portrayed as useless, weak appendages, except for one thing... NUMBER ONE: (to NYSSA) The men are useless wimps as well? NYSSA: [nods] Got it in one. > > "For at least five minutes," the Valeyard replied. "I am >surprised that you seemed to understand the logs. You humans are >such simpletons." NYSSA: I can't really argue there. MUTSUMI: Simpletons... with simple feet, too. > > "I'm not," Carrie stammered. "I've seen too much." HELEN: That just makes you a well-traveled simpleton. > > "Have you seen genocide?" the Valeyard asked. "Have you >ever spent your life trying to repay a debt that you cannot >repay, NUMBER ONE: Yep. So has everybody whose ex-wife got hold of their credit cards. >chained by it to a life that you cannot escape?" > > "Yes!" Carrie shouted. "I have seen women tortured, raped >and beaten. DOUG: While that's certainly awful, it also isn't genocide. So the correct answer would not be 'yes'. >I have tried to make myself into something I could >be proud of." She broke down into tears. > > The Valeyard just stood there, amazed for a minute. MUTSUMI: He had never seen a human body completely dissolve into saline before. >The >only other person that had been through something as horrifying >as he had on Gallifrey had been Susan, NYSSA: I would think that signing off on other people's death warrants would be considerably less horrifying than _being_ one of those other people. >and he had attended her >funeral in his sixth life. NUMBER ONE: (singing) Susie in the ground, with diamonds... DOUG: [whaps NUMBER ONE on the head] > > "What is your name?" the Valeyard asked softly. HELEN: (Carrie) It's 'Vickie'. Short for Victim. Victim N. Perpetuity, at your service. MUTSUMI: [blinks at HELEN] Oh? I thought your name was Helen... > > * * * > > The banker took the Doctor's identification papers and >looked over them with a great deal of care. Grace stood to the >side watching the process almost with boredom. NYSSA: Nyssa sat in the theater, watching the process with definite boredom and rising annoyance. > > "Give me a minute to retrieve your safety deposit box," the >banker said, walking out of the office. > > "You put one of the parts of the Hand in a safety deposit >box?" Grace asked. DOUG: (Doctor) Well, they were giving away these neat toasters, you see... > > "Well, the bank was known to be well established and >trustworthy," the Doctor stated. "Besides, who else would look >in a place so obvious?" NUMBER ONE: Morons, maybe? > The banker stepped back into the room with the deposit box. >He took the Doctor's key and opened the box, taking out a small >white cube. "Here you are sir," the banker said. MUTSUMI: (banker) Have a sugar cube. That's a good Doctor. Good boy. >"Whatever it >is." > > "Thank you," the Doctor said, palming the cube. "I will >still require the use of the deposit box in the future." NYSSA: (Doctor) I'm going to put Grace's liver in there the next time she tries blocking a door. > > "Absolutely Doctor Foreman," the banker intoned. "We look >forward to your future business." DOUG: (banker, nervously) And, if you happen to be a policeman, I would just like to point out that we absolutely do not and never have laundered money or set up secret accounts for the Mafia and most especially not for Tony 'the Pancreas' Scaglioni, who is not only not a customer of ours, but of whom I had never even heard until I mentioned him just now... > > The Doctor smiled and motioned Grace out of the office. As >they walked to the doors Grace smiled. "So is your real name >'Foreman'?" HELEN: (Doctor) Close. It's actually 'Foreskin'. > > "Not really," the Doctor replied. "You couldn't pronounce >my real name without a great deal of help. MUTSUMI: Oh. She's one of those 'special' people, is she? >Part of it can >shorten to Foreman, though." He opened his hand to look at the >white cube. "Eight hundred years and it is still causing me >trouble," the Time Lord murmured. MUTSUMI: He should have that seen about. It might be infected. > > They stepped out of the bank right into Jameson, who was >pointing an automatic pistol at the Doctor. > > "You had to pick the alley exit, didn't you?" Grace asked. > > "Grace..." the Doctor warned. NUMBER ONE: (Doctor) We're being mugged by a pantless old man. Save the wise-assery for when I'm better able to smack you. > > "Give me the part," Jameson ordered. "Or I will have to >shoot one of you." DOUG: When auditions go horribly wrong... NYSSA: (Doctor) I'm not afraid of you! Do your worst... to her. > > "What part?" asked the Doctor innocently. MUTSUMI: (Jameson) The one in your hair. HELEN: (Jameson) The one in your pants. > > "Of the Hand of Omega, Doctor," Jameson replied. "If I am >not mistaken, it is in your hand even as we speak." NYSSA: (Doctor) You're mistaken. HELEN: (Jameson) Oh, well never mind, then. See you later! > > Grace's heart skipped a beat. MUTSUMI: She finally noticed that Jameson wasn't wearing any pants. >She hadn't seen the Doctor >put it into his pocket. > > "Well, you can have what is in my hand," DOUG: (Doctor, as game-show host) ...or you can trade it for what's in the box! OTHERS: The box! Open the box! NUMBER ONE: (contestant) I'll take the blow on the head! NYSSA: [whaps NUMBER ONE on the head] There. Congratulations. >the Doctor said, >and opened his fingers to reveal a jelly baby. > > "The other hand Doctor...DON'T put it into your pocket." HELEN: ...because I know about that hole you've cut in the bottom of it. NUMBER ONE: It's two gifts in one -- something to wear and something to play with. > > The Doctor's face fell. He opened his left hand to reveal >the white cube. "Rather sinister, really," the Doctor muttered. >"Look!" the Doctor shouted, pointing at the sky. DOUG: [arches eyebrow] And this is the man on whom the Universe depends, is it? MUTSUMI: It's a good thing I've already made out my will. > > Jameson hit the Doctor in the stomach, causing him to drop >both the cube and the jelly baby. In a quick motion, Jameson >took the cube and ran off. HELEN: Outwitted by the Valeyard and now he's had his arse kicked by a fossil. If it was official before, you can now add oak-leaf clusters to it: the Doctor is a total lameass. > > Grace was at the Doctor's side, helping him up. "Well, that >didn't work at all," the Doctor complained. "And he stepped on >the jelly baby too." NUMBER ONE: And yet, it still has more backbone than the Doctor does. Notes - Part One - Part Two - Part Three - Part Five - Part Six - Part Seven
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