> "So this Valeyard was you from the future," Grace said
>slowly, trying to sort out the temporal logic of the situation
>and eat some fish and chips at the same time.
> "Yes," the Doctor confirmed. "He was brought back during my
>sixth incarnation, and put me on trial.
DOUG: (Doctor) I was found guilty of second-degree bombast and
my clothes were convicted of public indecency and ocular assault.
>I encountered him a
>couple of times afterwards, and this was the latest time."
> "So he's worse than the Master was?" Grace asked.
HELEN: [snorts] At Parcheesi, maybe.
> "Much worse," the Doctor explained. "The Master doesn't
>know what I am going to do. The Valeyard
MUTSUMI: ...doesn't know what _he_ is going to do. Or wear pants.
>remembers what I did
>when he was me, so he is always a step ahead of me."
NUMBER ONE: (Doctor) If he wasn't such a total dork, he'd be
> "You talk about him as though he is still alive," Grace
> "I suppose I do," the Doctor said, looking slightly out of
>it for a minute. "We have to go soon." The Doctor pulled out
>his pocketwatch. "Very soon."
NUMBER ONE: (Doctor) And I didn't bring any money, so you act
like you're throwing up and I'll toss this dead gopher onto your plate,
then we storm out of here threatening to sue.
> * * *
> The Valeyard was nearly running to his destination. He
>could no longer follow the Doctor around London, but he could
>meet the Doctor at the house.
HELEN: When did we get to London? And why -- aside from the
obvious reason that he's a dork -- can't Drama Queen follow the
NYSSA: (to HELEN) This far in, and you're still expecting this
story to provide _details_?
> The Valeyard came to the house in question, and glanced at
>it. He vaguely remembered purchasing this house in his seventh
>incarnation to house the casket. A confirmation of deed
>signatures was all that had been required to discover exactly
>which house it was.
> He took out the skeleton key and fit it into the lock.
DOUG: Is there any kind of award for Most Pointless Scene Ever
Written? I think we may have our winner here.
> * * *
> Carrie began to look around the control room as soon as she
>had regained control of herself. There was a hatrack that seemed
>strangely out of place,
MUTSUMI: ...because it was made of live turtles...
>resting on it were some long black robes.
NUMBER ONE: Heh. Saudi lingerie...
>Carrie looked at her own tattered clothing, ripped and exposing
>parts of her she really didn't want seen. She took the robes and
>wrapped them around herself.
DOUG: She then failed a Saving Throw vs. Magic and her alignment
shifted two steps toward Chaotic Evil.
NUMBER ONE: Which didn't result in any penalties, as she was a
multi-classed fighter/telemarketer and her new alignment was, if
anything, more appropriate
HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE) Er, I don't think there are telemarketers
in Dungeons and Dragons.
NUMBER ONE: There are, they just call them 'orcs' instead.
> Now she knew what victims meant when they said that they
>felt dirty. She knew she was supposed to say "survivor", but she
>didn't feel like one.
NYSSA: Because she was actually dead, or would be soon if the
Valeyard were a halfway-credible villain.
>She felt as though all that was left of
>her was a shell, the inside sucked out during the violation.
> She shook her head. She had to get these thoughts out of
>her mind. She had to get on with life. She began to poke around
>the control console.
NUMBER ONE: That was quick. (Carrie) Oh my God! I've just been
brutally raped and almost killed! How can I handle the pain and
trauma of it all?! Oh look, shiny things!
>So many of the switches looked complicated,
>but there was one small panel that had two labelled switches:
>"Record" and "Playback".
NYSSA: Little did she guess that those were actually words of High
Gallifreyan that meant, 'electrocute' and 'release flesh-eating weasels',
>She timidly flipped the playback
>switch. What ever this stranger would do to her over it couldn't
>be any worse than what the thugs had.
HELEN: [shrugs] It's just the Valeyard. What's he going to do, wuss
her to death?
> "TARDIS log,
MUTSUMI: I prefer pecan logs.
DOUG and NUMBER ONE: (singing) It's lo-o-og! It's lo-o-og!/It's big,
it's heavy, it's wood!/It's lo-o-og! It's lo-o-og!/It's better than bad, it's
>entry 342," her rescuers voice came. "I have
>been contacted by the previous High Council of Gallifrey and
>asked to prosecute my sixth incarnation. The High Council thinks
>that I am a fool, but I will prove them wrong.
MUTSUMI: He's going to prove that 'fool' doesn't _begin_ to describe
what he is.
>I will wrestle
NUMBER ONE: ...under the name 'the Ghastly Gallifreyan' and I will hit
Stone-Cold Steve Austin with a folding chair.
NYSSA: Immediately after which, the Ghastly Gallifreyan's career will
be ended by a tragically fatal boot-in-butt injury.
MUTSUMI: I'll bet he could avoid that if he'd just wear pants.
>the very power of Rassilon from them, and bring myself back to
>the glory of my first persona's youth.
> "I will do this by usurping their own power. If this does
>not work, I will have to ignore the corrupt fools and work in
>less appropriate ways.
HELEN: (Valeyard) A ruthless campaign of telephone pranks,
followed by the unmerciful sarcastic mocking of anyone who dares
>I will keep my sixth persona alive,
NUMBER ONE: ...by a direct intravenous feed of curry.
>It will take but one iota of my intellect to do so."
DOUG: So, half his intellect, then?
MUTSUMI: I always forget how to convert iotas to metric...
> As the log went on, Carrie
NUMBER ONE: ...realized she should eat less fiber.
NYSSA: [whaps NUMBER ONE on the head] Don't be so gross.
This isn't an Adam Sandler movie.
DOUG: For which we are all grateful.
>found herself leaning forward,
HELEN: Nope, nope. That's the _Master's_ power.
DOUG: (Valeyard, as the Master) I am the Valeyard and you will stop
laughing at me! I mean it!
> "TARDIS log, entry 343. The Doctor acted just as I
> * * *
> "Where are we going?" Grace pressed. The Doctor wasn't
>usually this secretive to her.
> "It is a house where I have stored a powerful tool," the
NUMBER ONE: There is _no way_ that pickup line would work.
NYSSA: I thought he was talking about the Valeyard for a moment,
but then I remembered that he isn't powerful.
MUTSUMI: He's going to show her his Ronco Slurpamatic, the most
efficient battery-operated belly-button lint remover ever built.
DOUG: Actually, both 'Powerful Toolhouse' and 'Slurpamatic' would
be good band names...
>"Look, it is a part of my past that I really would
>prefer not to reveal, alright?"
HELEN: Which is why he's taking her to see it. [rolls eyes]
> Grace nodded.
NYSSA: The readers are nodding, too.
DOUG: (to NYSSA) That's mean.
NYSSA: (to DOUG) Yes. Your point?
DOUG: [shrugs] Just saying.
> "There it is, right there," the Doctor pointed. "I bought
>it in 1961. Hasn't changed much."
> "You haven't been there," Grace pointed out.
> "True. The shingles are nice though, aren't they?"
NUMBER ONE: Yep. After forty years of neglect, they decorate the
yard very nicely.
> "Doctor, the power tool," Grace said.
HELEN: (Doctor, smooth) Please, baby. Wait until we get inside, at
> "'Powerful tool'," the Doctor corrected. He put the key
>into the door and opened it.
MUTSUMI: ...which seems much more difficult than putting the key
in the _lock_ would be.
> "Nice," Grace commented. "Dusty."
NUMBER ONE: Frank and Billy, too. All of ZZ Top was there.
> "Come on, Grace," the Doctor said. "It's down in the
NYSSA: (Doctor) That thing I don't want to reveal to you, I mean.
HELEN: (Doctor) That thing I _do_ want to reveal to you is right
here. Right where you keep staring, baby.
MUTSUMI: (Grace) You're going to show me your wallet?
> The two made their way through the house, past pieces of
>furniture that hadn't been uncovered in years. Finally they came
>to the door that led to the basement.
DOUG: A rejected stanza from the Doors song 'The End'.
>The Doctor opened the
>door, and then his jaw dropped.
MUTSUMI: Eek! Mildew and camel crickets everywhere!
> The light was on.
HELEN: I'm surprised by that, too, seeing as how no one has paid the
electric bill in forty years.
> "Be careful now," the Doctor warned. "I think that somebody
DOUG: (Dr. Watson) Good heavens, Holmes! How'd you deduce
> The Doctor slowly made his way down the stairs, coming to a
>large and empty area. His face went unreadable when he saw the
>man standing in the middle of the room.
NYSSA: ...the story having gone unreadable some time before.
> "Hello Doctor," said the Valeyard.
> "Hello Valeyard," replied the Doctor. "Just back from the
NUMBER ONE: (Valeyard) Just back from the penitentiary, actually,
where I acquired a new name. You may now call me 'Ben Dover'.
HELEN: That's not a new name for the Valeyard. People have been
saying that to him for years.
> "Oh, I've been back for a while," the Valeyard replied.
>"I've just come to tell you that I have the casket of the Hand of
>Omega, and very shortly I will have the other two parts."
DOUG: (Valeyard) Oh, and one other thing: Neener neener!
> "This is the Valeyard?" Grace asked. "He does look it."
MUTSUMI: The word 'Valeyard' means 'pantless wimp'?
HELEN: (to MUTSUMI) Yep, pretty much.
> "Ah yes, miss Holloway," the Valeyard grinned.
NYSSA: (Grace) That's _Dr._ Holloway to you, chimp-boy.
>you. Has the Doctor told you who he really is yet?"
> The Doctor's face went ashen. "Don't do this," the Doctor
NUMBER ONE: All right, Doctor, if you can't even outwit a guy who's
such a puss he should wear a toupee on his butt, then it's time for
you to hang it up.
> "You never did tell any of your companions who you were, did
>you?" the Valeyard began.
DOUG: (Doctor) I admit it. I was the walrus.
HELEN: (Doctor) Some people called me the Space Cowboy, some
called me the Gangster of Love...
NUMBER ONE: (Doctor) He shot the sheriff, but _I_ was the one
who shot the deputy.
NYSSA: (Doctor, as Darth Vader) Grace, I am your father.
MUTSUMI: (Doctor) That wasn't me, anyway, it was my stunt
>"Not surprising, though. How many
>people did we help Rassilon kill in our first incarnation?
>Twenty thousand, thirty? I never can remember."
> "They weren't meant to die!" the Doctor shouted, and then
>covered his face.
NUMBER ONE: (Doctor) It was meant to be a game, but we had no
idea just how dangerous lawn darts could be. Oh, the horror...
>"No, I didn't mean to confirm that..."
HELEN: Okay, you're officially a lameass when the Pantless Wonder
can trick you into a confession.
> "What?" Grace looked confused.
DOUG: The part of Arthur Dent will now be played by Grace
> "Yes miss Holloway," the Valeyard said. "The Doctor and I
>are both war criminals."
DOUG: (announcer) They were imprisoned for a crime they did not
commit, but they escaped and now they work as mercenaries. If you
can't get competent help, and if you can find them, you can call on...
the B Team!
MUTSUMI: I'll bet they were convicted of locking prisoners in a
satellite and forcing them to read fan fiction with no watermelons.
> Grace looked at the Doctor, only to find him looking
NUMBER ONE: Completely French, in other words.
> TO BE CONTINUED...
ALL: (flatly) Yay.
[The screen fades out and the lights come back on.]
ADRIC: (voice-over) Take yourselves a short break while we load
the second reel. I suggest savoring the moments like lemonade in
DOUG: Let's mount up and ride, Regulators.
[ALL get up and leave the theater.]
[Door sequence: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...]
[SOL bridge interior]
[NYSSA and MUTSUMI are sitting at the console. NYSSA is still
working on the small electronic device, while MUTSUMI is slicing up
more watermelon while looking up at the ceiling. DOUG enters from
DOUG: (to MUTSUMI and NYSSA) Hey, guys. Helen's pining and
Number One's on a smoke break, so I thought I'd duck in here.
NYSSA: I'm so glad we started making her smoke in the airlock...
DOUG: So, what're you doing?
NYSSA: I'm building a--
MUTSUMI: (simultaneous with NYSSA) I'm looking for--
[They stop and look at each other. NYSSA motions for MUTSUMI
to go ahead.]
MUTSUMI: I'm looking for turtles.
DOUG: (doubtful) Turtles? I... don't think we have turtles on the SOL.
MUTSUMI: Well, they probably wouldn't be ordinary turtles, but this
would be a good place for mecha-turtles.
DOUG: Uh... yeah. So, why are you looking for them on the ceiling?
MUTSUMI: Because turtles are easier to spot if you can sillhouette
them against the lights.
DOUG: While they're... walking on the ceiling?
MUTSUMI: (surprised) Of course not. That would be silly. Even
mecha-turtles can't walk on ceilings. No, I'm trying to spot them as
they glide past.
DOUG: Um... Okay, you just... keep up the good work. (to NYSSA)
And what are you up to?
NYSSA: I'm putting together a tracker that we can use to locate Diane
and bring her back to the real world.
DOUG: Great! So, how will it find her? I know! I'll bet it detects some
kind of unique disturbance field that Diane gives off from not belonging
in that world.
DOUG: It homes in on her genetic code?
DOUG: It's got image-recognition software?
NYSSA: Still cold.
DOUG: I give up, then. How _does_ it work?
NYSSA: We give it to Mutsumi when we send her back. Mutsumi
gives it to Diane. When we make the extraction, whoever is holding it
gets brought back.
DOUG: Ah. So, the whole thing depends on Mutsumi?
DOUG: [looks at MUTSUMI, who is still looking for turtles] I think
I'll go pine for a while with Helen... [exits to the left]
[Various alarms, lights, and sirens go off as chaos again ensues.]
NYSSA: Pine later! Right now, we've got fanfic sign!
[ALL run off]