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> > * * * > > Carrie looked at the casket in wonderment. "This is the >hand of Omega?" she asked. HELEN: Yep, and you know what big hands mean, right? MUTSUMI: [nods] Big gloves. >The Valeyard had loaned her a sweater >and trousers, NUMBER ONE: He might as well, since he isn't bothering to wear them. >so she felt more comfortable now. It was easier to >be comfortable when you are in clothing that is still in one >piece. HELEN: Says you. NYSSA: It's easier to be comfortable when your verb tense is in one piece, too. > > "The incomplete hand of Omega, Carrie," the Valeyard >corrected. DOUG: (Valeyard) But if I can only draw another spade, I'll have the Flush of Omega. >At that moment Jameson stepped into the warehouse. >"But only one part is missing now," the Time Lord stated. > > "Here it is, Lord Valeyard," Jameson said. He handed the >cube to the Time Lord. "I must admit, for the life of me, I have >no idea what it does." HELEN: Admittedly, Jameson doesn't seem like the type to get a lot of use out of his parts. > > The Valeyard smiled. "You don't need to know," he said. >"Only I have or need the knowledge to assemble the hand. Doctor >Jameson, your work here is finished. You may return to your >university." MUTSUMI: I hope he doesn't mean Tokyo University. I don't think I'd want to be in a pantless teacher's class. [thinks] Unless it was in a math class. Math classes need to be livened up. NUMBER ONE: He's in the Strongbadian Literature Department at Crazy Go Nuts University. DOUG and NYSSA: (chanting) C-G-N-U! Go Dumples! > > "Thank you," Jameson said. "I do have that paper to write >for the journal." DOUG: (Jameson) It's a fair and impartial Poli-Sci essay titled 'Americans: Nazis or Worse Than Nazis?' >With that, Jameson walked out of the >warehouse. NYSSA: And out of the story, most likely. HELEN: And with Jameson's poignant farewell, there's not a dry eye in the house. Or dry underwear, either. > > "What will you do with it?" Carrie asked, a slight shudder >still in her voice. > > "Make things right, my dear," the Valeyard replied. "Make >things right at last." DOUG: (Valeyard) Those fools who cancelled 'Punky Brewster' will now taste my wrath! BWAHAHAHA! >The Valeyard fitted the cube into place, >leaving just one small slot left to fill. HELEN: Fortunately, he had just the small thing to fill it with. NUMBER ONE: He'll need more than _that_... >"We have to hurry now. >I believe that the Doctor now has the third part, and I think I >know what it is." NYSSA: (singing) What... is... it?/It's it!/What is it? NUMBER ONE: (to NYSSA) You want it all, but you can't have it. > > * * * > > "Why are we headed back to the TARDIS?" Grace demanded. MUTSUMI: Because they can't afford any more sets. > > "I need the help of K9," the Doctor replied. > > "For what? Didn't you hide the third part so that you could >find it?" DOUG: He taped it inside a Michael Moore book, where there was no chance of it being found by anyone smart enough to figure out what it was. > > The Doctor held up his TARDIS key. "I've always had the >part," he said. "It is called the Amulet of Rassilon. I need >K9's help to destroy it." NUMBER ONE: Good call. Dog-drool can ruin anything. MUTSUMI: (musing) Do dog-droids dream of electric squirrels...? > > They turned the corner in the alley to find the TARDIS safe >and sound. The Doctor fit the Amulet into the lock, and opened >the door. NYSSA: (to OTHERS) I've been noticing something strange. For a story that's so sparse on description-- MUTSUMI: --and trousers. NYSSA: [sighs] Yes, and trousers. Anyway, for all that, I notice that no one is ever stated as just going through a door. Every time someone comes to a door, we get a description of them putting a key into the lock -- or door, as the case may be -- and then opening it. I'm wondering if this is meant as some sort of metaphor, the continuous showing of keys being used. Something existential, maybe. HELEN: _I_ bet it's somethig Freudian. Keys and locks... DOUG: [shrugs] Maybe the author is a locksmith. MUTSUMI: Perhaps he's a door otaku? It wouldn't be much stranger than trainspotting. NUMBER ONE: Maybe y'all are all really reaching... > > "Come on Grace," HELEN: No, I think it's just tartar sauce from the fish. DOUG: [whaps HELEN on the head] >the Doctor said, palming the amulet. They >walked past the threshold, only to be greeted by K9. NUMBER ONE: ...who was busy licking his nuts. And bolts. > > "Danger Doctor Master! Danger Mistress!" K9 said furiously. > > "I know, K9," the Doctor replied. "We'll double lock the >doors HELEN: If I'm right on my Freudian analysis, this just got way perverted. >and then dematerialize immediately." > > "This measure will not work Doctor Master! We have >intruders!" K9 warned. > > "Hello Doctor," came a familiar aristocratic voice. MUTSUMI: What exactly is an 'aristocratic voice'? DOUG: It usually means the speaker is British and the author is American or Canadian. It's a well-known fact that to a North American, anything said in a British accent sounds highbrow. >"Enjoy >running around London?" NYSSA: (Doctor) So-so. Less than having a leech on my eyeball, but more than talking to you. > "Hello Valeyard," the Doctor replied. "What brings you >here?" HELEN: (Valeyard) The need to confirm my manhood by pushing around the one person who's more of a wuss than me. > > "I want the Amulet of Rassilon," the Valeyard demanded. >"Oh, I almost forgot. Doctor, this is my latest companion, >Carrie." At this Carrie waved. NYSSA: Then the bucket of blood was dumped on her and all Hell broke loose... DOUG: (to NYSSA) For the last time, it isn't _that_ Carrie. > > The Doctor waved weakly. "Why do you want my TARDIS key?" >he asked. > > "Once I installed the power driver, DOUG: ...Windows immediately crashed. >I remembered what the >power source was," the Valeyard replied. "It shouldn't have been >a surprise really; what else have we ever had that could grant us >unlimited power?" MUTSUMI: (earnestly) But what good is unlimited power if you aren't with the people you love? What good is it if you can't enjoy cold watermelon or evenings around the kotatsu table? That's why, if you're trying to obtain unlimited power, you should first use it to get plenty of friends and watermelons and a good kotatsu table! OTHERS: [stare at MUTSUMI] > > The Doctor shot a meaningful look at K9. "I cannot assist, >Doctor Master," K9 complained. "My circuits have been altered." DOUG: (K9) I have been forcibly loaded with Windows 98 and am now immobilized. > > "I suggest that you both come with us," the Valeyard stated, >pointing a pistol at the Doctor. "I don't want to have to be >unpleasant." NUMBER ONE: (Grace) Too late for that. I've already seen your face. > > * * * > > The Doctor and Grace stood beside the casket as the Valeyard >fingered the Amulet of Rassilon. HELEN: 'Amulet of Rassilon' being Grace's nickname... MUTSUMI: [giggles] Eek! Pervert! NYSSA: (to MUTSUMI) You're just _now_ figuring that out? [baps self on forehead] Never mind, forgot who I was talking to. Of _course_ you're just now figuring that out. >Carrie had them both at >gunpoint. "Why are you doing this?" the Doctor asked. > > "To finish the job you never did," the Valeyard replied. HELEN: (muttering) Typical bloke... >"To finally gain our atonement." With that the Valeyard plugged >the Amulet of Rassilon into the slot. DOUG: He then got a message saying, 'New hardware detected. Windows will now shut down to avoid productivity.' > > From the top of the casket a holographic display appeared, >with multitudes of stars displayed. Both Grace and Carrie looked >wide-eyed at the sight; it was like nothing they had ever seen >before. Inside the display stars could be seen to be born, grow >red, and die. NUMBER ONE: Aww... It's like watching a bunch of West Coast radicals in there. > > "I think that a test would be necessary, don't you?" the >Valeyard asked the Doctor. NYSSA: [sighs] Why do villains always do that? If _I_ ever got my hands on a megaweapon, my first test would be to shoot it at whoever I was planning on using it on. What's the point in wasting shots that could be inflicting useful carnage? > > "I don't want anything to do with that machine," the Doctor >insisted. "You can still stop this, Valeyard." > > "I think that the Sol system would be a good place to >start," the Valeyard stated. NUMBER ONE: Ah, the Wile E. Coyote Principle in action; saw off the branch you're standing on. >He looked to see Carrie, Grace and >the Doctor distressed at this. HELEN, MUTSUMI, and DOUG: (Carrie, Grace, and the Doctor, flatly) Oh dear. We are distressed by thoughts of our planet's mpending doom. > > "Oh don't worry, Carrie," the Valeyard said. "I am creating >the supernova just days before it is scheduled to happen, some >fifteen million years from now." NYSSA: Specifically, that's about a _trillion_ days before Sol is predicted to go nova, but who's counting? >With that the Valeyard turned >on the Hand. HELEN: Now his date is all hot and ready for him. > > For more than a minute, small blue particles could be seen >to enter the swell of the red giant that Earth's star had become. >Suddenly, in a burst of light, the star went supernova. MUTSUMI: I think it's nice that the author is able to keep control of himself and not allow emotion to color his descriptions. > > "It went well, didn't it?" the Valeyard stated. "Now >Doctor, you'll see how we will finally gain our redemption from >this lack of grace that we have existed in for millennia." NUMBER ONE: (Doctor) I _wish_ I had a lack of Grace... NYSSA: He practically does, for all the help she's been. > > "I know that you are just dying for me to ask, so what are >you going to do?" asked the Doctor, his voice tired. MUTSUMI: Well, I plan on finishing off this watermelon, then I'm gonna take a bath and maybe a nap-- Oh, wait, he wasn't talking to me. DOUG: (Valeyard) I'm going to kick names and take ass. HELEN: (Valeyard, triumphantly) I'm going to Disneyland! NUMBER ONE: (Valeyard, as Saddam Hopper) I'm going to burn your pubic hairs out, one-by-one! NYSSA: (Valeyard, as Ren Hoek) I'm gonna hit ya... and you're gonna fall. And then... I'm gonna laugh. But first... But _first_... I gotta take a whiz. > > "Why Doctor," the Valeyard began. "I am going to destroy >the star that powers the central Eye of Harmony before Omega >does, preventing the creation of time travel on Gallifrey. There >will be no flow of chronons, and all the power that Rassilon has >gathered will be destroyed before the cullings. The Time Lords >will never have existed." DOUG: (Doctor) Including you. HELEN: (Valeyard) What? Oh... I mean, uh, I'm going to use the Hand to, um, deliver flaming bags of dog poo to the entire High Council, and there's nothing you can do to stop me. That's what I meant. >As the Valeyard said this, a new star >became centered in the display. > > "Surely you're aware that if you do this you will be >altering history!" the Doctor declared. NUMBER ONE: Er, that's kind of what Lord No-Britches just finished ranting about, ain't it? DOUG: (Valeyard) Yes, and don't call me 'Shirley'. > > "For the better, Doctor," the Valeyard replied. "For the >better." MUTSUMI: There's that deja-vu again... > > "And what about the paradox?" the Doctor demanded. "How do >you plan to get around that?" MUTSUMI: (Valeyard) Well, I figure that if God can create a stone so heavy that He can't lift it, then that's something He should have thought about before he started landscaping his yard, so it isn't my problem. > > The Valeyard activated the Hand of Omega. "Time is quite >capable of sorting itself out, Doctor," the Valeyard stated. >"And you are too late." DOUG: Not that it really matters. Doctor Ineffectual there could have had another year and he wouldn't have accomplished anything more than some angsty looks and some anguished posturing. HELEN: But that's why we love him. NUMBER ONE: (to HELEN) What do you mean 'we', paleface? > > In the display, the Doctor could see small blue particles >entering the star. DOUG: In Beverly Hills, that would be grounds for arrest and acquital. > > TO BE CONTINUED... [The screen fades as the lights come back on.] ADRIC: (voice-over) I'm going to be a positive _paragon_ of mercy and give you all a short break in which we will look in on your _other_ tormentor's final moments in this life. NYSSA: We're going to watch Tegan get vaporized?! That's horrific and cruel and I'd better have a good view. [ALL get up and leave the theater.] Notes - Part One - Part Two - Part Three - Part Four - Part Six - Part Seven
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