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---- [Door sequence: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] ---- [SOL bridge interior] [ALL are gathered around the console. NYSSA is wearing a party hat.] NYSSA: (singing) Going to have a boom-boom party/Tegan is the guest of honor... HELEN: (to NYSSA) She used to be your best friend, you know... NYSSA: So she was. And then she betrayed me. And then she died without having a chance to atone for what she'd done. It's a true tragedy. [blows party horn] [A light on the console begins to flash.] NYSSA: Trump and the apprentices are calling. I can't wait to see this! [presses light] ---- [Interior back room at This Time Round] [ADRIC stands behind the console, a somber look on his face.] ADRIC: My dear lab rats, I regret to inform you that we have lost our video feed from Eglin Airbase. It seems that Ms. Jovanka and her partner discovered our camera on-site and destroyed it, after shouting something about it being a Fox News plant. However, what we have managed to do is get an audio link to the cockpit of the C-130 that will be dropping the YBAT... [ADRIC flips a switch on the console. Immediately, the crackling voice-over of the cockpit intercom is heard from the speakers.] PILOT v/o: Inbound hot at bearing 270, 4500 meters and holding. CO-PILOT v/o: Doors are open. Ready to release on signal. PILOT v/o: Monitors? CO-PILOT v/o: All on, skipper. PILOT v/o: Give me one more scan of the target area. CO-PILOT v/o: Hey, we're getting an IR signal back! PILOT v/o: Dammit, I thought the zone was clear? Let's do a pass first for visual con. Give me max zoom on the vids. The IR might just be SNAFU, or we may have a coyote in the zone... [long pause] CO-PILOT v/o: There. Got a visual... PILOT v/o: Commencing turn for second target run. What do you see down there? CO-PILOT v/o: Hell, skipper, we got people down there! PILOT v/o: What?! That's a restricted area! Who's down there? CO-PILOT v/o: Hard to tell. Looks like... hippies, maybe? PILOT v/o: Hippies, you say? CO-PILOT v/o: Yes sir. I've got a positive on tie-dye. Repeat, positive on tie-dye. PILOT v/o: Roger. Hippies confirmed. CO-PILOT v/o: Shall we abort? [long pause] PILOT v/o: It's just some hippies. CO-PILOT v/o: I hate the smell of patchouli oil and unwashed feet. [pause] PILOT v/o: Commencing run. Stand by to release in five... four... three... two... one... Release! CO-PILOT v/o: Weapon free! Weapon free! PILOT v/o: Throttle back and trim the tabs a bit... CO-PILOT v/o: Impact in five... four... three... Whoo! Look at that mushroom cloud! PILOT v/o: Damn! What's the blast radius there, a klick? CO-PILOT v/o: Almost. Kee-rist, what a blast! [pause] CO-PILOT v/o: Hey, skipper. You reckon that blowing up hippies makes it a _psychedelic_ mushroom cloud? PILOT v/o: [laughs] Stupid vaporized hippies... [ADRIC flips the switch and the audio feed cuts out.] ADRIC: [huge smile] Ah! What can compare with sweet, sweet victory? ---- [SOL] [NYSSA is doing a can-can style dance of celebration while the OTHERS look on.] NYSSA: Swamprat, just for that, I hate you marginally less. [blows party horn] Taste the Mortality Deferment Office, Tegan Jo-wanker! Ahahahaha! ---- [TTR] ADRIC: [sighs happily] There's only one thing that could add to the piquancy of this moment, and that would be to watch as you suffer through the last reel of a cruddy fanfic. And do you know what...? [presses a large and conspicuous button on the console] It's good to be me today! ---- [SOL] [Various alarms, lights, and sirens go off as the expected chaos ensues.] ALL: Aaaah! We've got fanfic sign! [ALL run off.] ---- [Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] ---- [SOL Theater interior] [All five enter the theater as usual and take their accustomed seats. NYSSA still has a huge, scary grin.] DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE) I notice you aren't saying much about your copy biting the dust. NUMBER ONE: (to DOUG) [shrugs] Hey, I already thought he was dead, up until the end of the last episode. Not that I don't enjoy that Uberwuss's grisly demise, understand. Still, I have this terrible feeling that if he could survive being tossed out the airlock without a spacesuit, re-entering the atmosphere, then slamming into the ground at Commie Central, then a little thing like a bomb isn't gonna hurt him... [A screen in front of the five lights up and words begin to appear on it.] > > >Redemption -- By Robert Marks DOUG: Zeppo's evil twin. > > Story (c) 1996 Robert Marks; Doctor Who is a trademark of the > BBC. NUMBER ONE: The BBC: We report, we decide, you lump it. > >Author's note: This adventure takes place in between "Shadows and > Darkness" and the Internet Adventure "Six Sides to > Every Story". This story also contains mature > content matter, reader discretion is advised. MUTSUMI: [swoons] Ooh... My anemia is acting up... Repetition always does that to me... [falls over, draped across HELEN] HELEN: (to MUTSUMI, worried) Hey. Hey Watermelon Girl! Are you dead? MUTSUMI: (breathily, into HELEN's ear) I'll be okay... HELEN: (to MUTSUMI) Yeah, but I won't if you keep blowing in my ear like that. > > The Cast > >The Doctor: Paul McGann >Grace Holloway: Daphne Ashbrook >K9: Himself [MUTSUMI's arms fall slackly, right across HELEN's chest.] NUMBER ONE: [watching MUTSUMI and HELEN] Well _I'm_ entertained. DOUG: [covers eyes] Let me know when it's safe to look. HELEN: (to MUTSUMI) You're doing this on purpose to tease me! [MUTSUMI's eyes roll back and she stops breathing.] >The Valeyard: Michael Jayston >Carrie: Helen Hunt > > Part III > > "Surely you're aware that if you do this you will be >altering history!" the Doctor declared. HELEN: (panicked) She's not breathing! AAH! She's really dead! Oh Goddess, what do I do?! NYSSA: Resuscitate her. Give her mouth-to-mouth. HELEN: Okay! [stops] Wait a minute. I'll bet this is a trick. She's trying to get me to kiss her. NYSSA: (to HELEN) So? Since when are you averse to getting it on with anyone? NUMBER ONE: [looking at MUTSUMI] She's turning blue, you know. > > "For the better, Doctor," the Valeyard replied. "For the >better." > > "And what about the paradox?" the Doctor demanded. "How do >you plan to get around that?" > HELEN: Right, then. [cradles MUTSUMI and brings her face near] I'm going to save her! [HELEN takes a deep breath and is just about to place her mouth over MUTSUMI's, when MUTSUMI's eyes snap open and she starts breathing again.] MUTSUMI: (to HELEN) Oh me, oh my! Are you about to take advantage of me? HELEN: What the--?! You were-- I-- MUTSUMI: [sits up] (to HELEN) I really am flattered by your feelings for me, but I'm afraid I already have a young man and young woman in my life. HELEN: (to MUTSUMI, shouting) I don't have feelings for you! NUMBER ONE: (aside, to NYSSA) Is it just me, or does Helen sound just like Diane right now? [After a bit of mumbling, ALL settle down to normal.] > The Valeyard activated the Hand of Omega. "Time is quite >capable of sorting itself out, Doctor," the Valeyard stated. >"And you are too late." > > In the display, the Doctor could see small blue particles >entering the star. NYSSA: The Hand works by dumping Viagra pills into a star, causing sudden rapid expansion, followed by explosive discharge, as well as increased confidence and a degree of mellowness... > > "And what about Carrie?" the Doctor asked. DOUG: (Valeyard) What of it? 'The Shining' was a better movie, in every respect. >"If you destroy >the Time Lords than we will never leave Gallifrey and you two >will never meet!" MUTSUMI: ...and this story will not have happened, right? OTHERS: Do it! Do it! Do it! > > At this Carrie looked worried. The thought of the rape not >being interrupted by the Valeyard and her becoming a violated >corpse with a cut throat was too much for her to bear. "I'd be >dead," she said, shocked. NYSSA: Well, duh. That's the usual result of being a violated corpse, after all. >She looked for comfort at the >Valeyard, only to see him staring at the Doctor. HELEN: (Valeyard) You know, I never realized what a hottie my Eighth self was. So vulnerable. Like a little pussy cat. NUMBER ONE: Like a little pussy, anyway. HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE) Pardon? NUMBER ONE: (to HELEN) I said, 'like a little pussy'. HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE) Why, yes I do. Are you offering? NUMBER ONE: (to HELEN) I didn't mean _that_... but now that you mention it... [NYSSA pours her drink on NUMBER ONE's head, while DOUG pours his on HELEN] DOUG: Cool down, you two hormone-wads. >Slowly she >began to put down the gun. MUTSUMI: (Carrie, slowly) Hey, gun. You suck. Your mother was a Saturday Night Special. > > * * * > > The thugs and the pimp NUMBER ONE: ...won a Grammy for their debut rap album, 'Smackin' Dem Hos Around'. >finally picked the lock to the >warehouse. NYSSA: No key this time. That's significant... unless I'm fooling myself. NUMBER ONE: (to NYSSA) And you are. >They had followed Carrie's "savior" there; they were >good at that sort of thing. DOUG: That's why the Valeyard should have hired them instead of Professor Slacksoff. >The strange man hadn't even noticed >them. HELEN: Because they were wearing scumouflage. > > They found four people and a box to be the contents of the >warehouse. The box was glowing and two men were arguing. The >other two were women, and one of them was Carrie. NUMBER ONE: She was actually Carrie Nation, whose hatchet was feared by all who imbibe! MUTSUMI: Temperance is okay, if it's done in moderation. > > "What about the Daleks and Cybermen?" one of the men said, NYSSA: Well, I'm sure if they show up in this story, it will be something like, "The Cybermen came to a door. They took out a key, put it in the lock, and turned the knob, then went inside. Some Daleks with aristocratic voices were waiting for them. They fought and the Cybermen won." DOUG: Wow! That was every bit as vivid as the graphics on a TRS-80. And not just any TRS-80, but a 16k one! NUMBER ONE: [whaps DOUG on the head] I think you've just about beaten that gag into submission, already. >dressed in Victorian clothes. HELEN: Actually, they were Victoria _Principal's_ clothes, and the backless taffeta look was just _not_ working for him. >The pimp grinned for a minute. MUTSUMI: He timed it because he was going for a record. HELEN: Hey, it's Superfly! >Truly the man was a freak. He motioned the thugs towards Carrie. DOUG: ...since she was obviously the most dangerous fighter of the four. And the sad part is, I mean that. > > "They are irrelevant!" Carrie's "savior" replied. NUMBER ONE: Wow! I had no idea Jim Caviezel would get a cameo in this! >"They are >history as it should be happening. It was never our place to >interfere! After two trials we should have seen that!" DOUG: ...OJ is guilty as Hell! > > As the thugs approached Carrie from behind, the pimp took >out a pistol and sighted it on the hawk nosed man. HELEN: Get him, Superfly! > > "This time you lose," the pimp whispered. MUTSUMI: (pimp) _I_ will be the new champion at Warehouse Hide- and-Seek! > > * * * > > "You have to listen to him!" Grace insisted, speaking up for >the first time. She felt that she had been on the sidelines for >too long. NUMBER ONE: (Knute Rockne) Get out there, Grace, and win one for the Gipper! DOUG: [hums Notre Dame University's fight song] NUMBER ONE: (to self) Bleah. I can't believe I just made a Notre Dame reference. I'll have to go make an act of contrition at the Bear Bryant shrine... > > "He has never caused anything but trouble!" the Valeyard >stated. "Your 'Doctor' was put on trial twice by the Time Lords >for interference. NYSSA: But he got free because he had an angle... MUTSUMI: An angle? NYSSA: A certain character witness named... Hannover Fist! DOUG: (Hannover Fist, wimpy) Why, the Doctor is a warm and gracious person, overflowing with the milk of human kindness. And he would certainly never do anything _immoral_... [twitches] (angry voice) Unless you count all those times he dressed up like the Pope and sold nukes and kiddie porn to the PLO! >He is hated by several races in the galaxy. >He has to finally grow up and stop being the moralistic >simpleton!" MUTSUMI: Somebody likes the word 'simpleton' almost as much as he likes keys and locks. NYSSA: I'm glad somebody likes _something_ here. > At that moment two things happened. HELEN: A blast of cold air struck the pantless Valeyard, causing the inevitable shrinkage, and Grace and Carrie collapsed in helpless laughter. NYSSA: And why shouldn't they? They're helpless in every other way in this story. >Carrie screamed and was >cut off as a knife was put at her throat and a hand over her >mouth, DOUG: What about the gun she had so handy a minute ago? NYSSA: (bitterly) With her, it wouldn't matter if she had a bloody bazooka pointed right at the bad guys' heads. HELEN: And Victim N. Perpetuity strikes again! >and a bullet ricocheted off of the casket right next to >the Valeyard. NUMBER ONE: (to pimp, snidely) Lousy grouping there, Lee Harvey. > > Three thugs dragged Carrie up some stairs to the balcony and >roof, the pimp following. "I will deal with you later, hawk-nose," the >pimp said. NUMBER ONE: (pimp) ...because this is apparently a flintlock pistol and I thus only get one shot every two or three minutes. MUTSUMI: (pimp) That will give me time to get another grin in. >"Right now we have some unfinished >business with her." DOUG: Dear God, they're going to make her buy soem Amway products. > > The Valeyard looked distressed, HELEN: ...as evidenced by the puddle around his feet. >trying to decide what was >more important, Carrie or the destruction of the Time Lords. NYSSA: Well, since destroying the Time Lords will result in Carrie's death anyway, it's rather a moot point. >He >was also befuddled, as a couple of days ago he would have no >difficulty abandoning the girl. HELEN: But he had discovered that he _liked_ having someone around who was wimpier than himself. >He did know, though, that as >soon as he left the Doctor would turn off the Hand of Omega. NUMBER ONE: And if the Doctor wasn't an even bigger puss than the Valeyard, he'd just go ahead and turn it off anyway while Grace bitch-slapped the Valeyard into submission. DOUG: This would make a good EDA -- Emasculated Doctor Adventure. > > "Damn Rassilon!" the Valeyard cursed, turning and running up >the stairs. The Doctor immediately began to fiddle with the >controls of the hand. MUTSUMI: (Doctor, mumbling) Let's see... Two-sided... Darken... Collate... Wait a minute, this is a _photocopier_! DOUG: (to MUTSUMI) No, actually it's not complicated enough to be a photocopier. > > "What are we doing?" Grace asked. NYSSA: Screwing up, wimping out, and skiving off, in that approximate order. >"Can I help?" > DOUG: You haven't so far. > > "We don't have enough time to shut it off," the Doctor said. >"All we can do is reverse the particle feed and destroy it." > > "How much damage would it cause?" Grace asked, watching the >Doctor desperately adjust the controls. NYSSA: If it's as effective as you lot, it shouldn't even singe the floor. > > "I don't know," the Time Lord replied. "Nobody has ever >done this before." HELEN: That's what the five belly-dancers told me when I got out the latex wimple, the vaulting horse, and the vat of marmalade, but they turned out to be more limber than they realized. MUTSUMI: (to HELEN, thoughtful) I can see how you'd use the vaulting horse, but how do you keep the fifth belly-dancer occupied without losing your toe-hold? NUMBER ONE: I think I want to sit with those two. NYSSA: I think I want to have you all spayed. > > * * * > > The Valeyard arrived on the roof just as the thugs were >tearing Carrie's pants off. MUTSUMI: Aw, she and the Valeyard are dressed alike, now. That's so cute! NUMBER ONE: [shakes head] Whatever happened to evil goons that know how to prioritize? The rape comes _after_ getting rid of potential rescuers, not _before_. DOUG: [covers eyes] I really don't want t o see a rape scene. NYSSA: (to DOUG) Well, it's not like there's going to be any kind of details... >Carrie was in tears, paralyzed by >fear. NYSSA: (tiredly) Of _course_ she was. > > The pimp looked up and pointed to the Valeyard. HELEN: (pimp) Wait your turn. I'll rape _you_ when I'm done here, and not a moment before. >"Kill him," >he said. Two of the thugs began to advance. NUMBER ONE: (Valeyard, heroic) Foul miscreants! Do what you want to the girl, but leave me alone! >The pimp turned his >attention back to Carrie. HELEN: (pimp, as waiter) Hi, I'm pimp and I'll be your rapist for this evening. Would you like to hear about our two-for-one special, or can I interest you in an appetizer? OTHERS: [snicker and laugh] DOUG: [fighting laughter] That was sooo wrong. Beautiful, but wrong. > > * * * > > "There!" the Doctor declared. "That should do it!" Blue >particles began to flood the room, concentrating on the Hand of >Omega. DOUG: (singing) He's got the particles/In his hand/Got the blue particles/In his hand... NUMBER ONE: It beats what he's _been_ doing -- standing around like a man with his gland in his hand. > > "What do we do now?" asked Grace. > > The Doctor began to rush towards the stairs, Grace in tow. NYSSA: (Doctor) Upstairs, Grace! There's a high, abrupt ledge with your name on it! >"We have to help the Valeyard!" he shouted, trying to be heard >above the growing noise in the room. > > * * * > > The first attack the Valeyard stopped with ease, MUTSUMI: ...skillfully blocking the thug's punches with his face. >knocking >the thug out with a quick chop to the neck. HELEN: [shakes head] I _so_ can't see that. >The second thug >charged the Valeyard, DOUG: ...with first-degree aggravated campness. NYSSA: Rechargeable wussies. What will they think of next? >only to find himself propelled towards the >door to the warehouse. He struck the door, and fell unconscious >nest to the ledge. NUMBER ONE: (pimp) That's it. I am _never_ hiring mooks from TempThug ever again. > With those two thugs out of the way, the Valeyard prepared >to project fear into the pimp and the remaining thug. MUTSUMI: (Valeyard) Boo! DOUG: (Valeyard, as Chiyo-chan) Please be afraid, Mr. Pimp! Please be very, very afraid! Raarrraarr! HELEN: (Valeyard) I will show you fear in a handful of wuss. >For some >reason he was having trouble concentrating, though. Behind him >the door opened and the Doctor and Grace rushed onto the roof. NUMBER ONE: (Doctor) Why is there a full moon out tonight, and so scrawny-looking? Oh, wait, it's just the Valeyard's heinie. NYSSA: A full rectal eclipse. > > The pimp turned from Carrie, aimed his gun and fired. NUMBER ONE: Belatedly, he remembered that you were supposed to point the end with the hole in it _away_ from yourself. MUTSUMI: Oh my, I'll bet _his_ face is red. >The >other thug began to drag Carrie, who was sobbing and weeping, NYSSA: (author) Have I mentioned lately just how weak and helpless Carrie is? Just thought I'd remind you. DOUG: Even more than Grace, Carrie is the load to end all loads. >towards the ledge. > NUMBER ONE: (thug) Duh, I ain't never raped nobody in free-fall before. This oughta be fun! Notes - Part One - Part Two - Part Three - Part Four - Part Five - Part Seven
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