[Door sequence: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...]


[SOL bridge interior]

[ALL are gathered around the console. NYSSA is wearing a party hat.]

NYSSA: (singing) Going to have a boom-boom party/Tegan is the
guest of honor...

HELEN: (to NYSSA) She used to be your best friend, you know...

NYSSA: So she was. And then she betrayed me. And then she died
without having a chance to atone for what she'd done. It's a true
tragedy. [blows party horn]

[A light on the console begins to flash.]

NYSSA: Trump and the apprentices are calling. I can't wait to see this!
[presses light]


[Interior back room at This Time Round]

[ADRIC stands behind the console, a somber look on his face.]

ADRIC: My dear lab rats, I regret to inform you that we have lost our
video feed from Eglin Airbase. It seems that Ms. Jovanka and her
partner discovered our camera on-site and destroyed it, after shouting
something about it being a Fox News plant. However, what we have
managed to do is get an audio link to the cockpit of the C-130 that
will be dropping the YBAT...

[ADRIC flips a switch on the console. Immediately, the crackling
voice-over of the cockpit intercom is heard from the speakers.]

PILOT v/o: Inbound hot at bearing 270, 4500 meters and holding.

CO-PILOT v/o: Doors are open. Ready to release on signal.

PILOT v/o: Monitors?

CO-PILOT v/o: All on, skipper.

PILOT v/o: Give me one more scan of the target area.

CO-PILOT v/o: Hey, we're getting an IR signal back!

PILOT v/o: Dammit, I thought the zone was clear? Let's do a pass first
for visual con. Give me max zoom on the vids. The IR might just be
SNAFU, or we may have a coyote in the zone...

[long pause]

CO-PILOT v/o: There. Got a visual...

PILOT v/o: Commencing turn for second target run. What do you see
down there?

CO-PILOT v/o: Hell, skipper, we got people down there!

PILOT v/o: What?! That's a restricted area! Who's down there?

CO-PILOT v/o: Hard to tell. Looks like... hippies, maybe?

PILOT v/o: Hippies, you say?

CO-PILOT v/o: Yes sir. I've got a positive on tie-dye. Repeat, positive
on tie-dye.

PILOT v/o: Roger. Hippies confirmed.

CO-PILOT v/o: Shall we abort?

[long pause]

PILOT v/o: It's just some hippies.

CO-PILOT v/o: I hate the smell of patchouli oil and unwashed feet.


PILOT v/o: Commencing run. Stand by to release in five... four...
three... two... one... Release!

CO-PILOT v/o: Weapon free! Weapon free!

PILOT v/o: Throttle back and trim the tabs a bit...

CO-PILOT v/o: Impact in five... four... three... Whoo! Look at that
mushroom cloud!

PILOT v/o: Damn! What's the blast radius there, a klick?

CO-PILOT v/o: Almost. Kee-rist, what a blast!


CO-PILOT v/o: Hey, skipper. You reckon that blowing up hippies makes
it a _psychedelic_ mushroom cloud?

PILOT v/o: [laughs] Stupid vaporized hippies...

[ADRIC flips the switch and the audio feed cuts out.]

ADRIC: [huge smile] Ah! What can compare with sweet, sweet victory?



[NYSSA is doing a can-can style dance of celebration while the OTHERS
look on.]

NYSSA: Swamprat, just for that, I hate you marginally less. [blows
party horn] Taste the Mortality Deferment Office, Tegan Jo-wanker!



ADRIC: [sighs happily] There's only one thing that could add to the
piquancy of this moment, and that would be to watch as you suffer
through the last reel of a cruddy fanfic. And do you know what...?
[presses a large and conspicuous button on the console] It's good
to be me today!



[Various alarms, lights, and sirens go off as the expected chaos ensues.]

ALL: Aaaah! We've got fanfic sign!

[ALL run off.]


[Door sequence: 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]


[SOL Theater interior]

[All five enter the theater as usual and take their accustomed seats.
NYSSA still has a huge, scary grin.]

DOUG: (to NUMBER ONE) I notice you aren't saying much about
your copy biting the dust.

NUMBER ONE: (to DOUG) [shrugs] Hey, I already thought he was
dead, up until the end of the last episode. Not that I don't enjoy that
Uberwuss's grisly demise, understand. Still, I have this terrible feeling
that if he could survive being tossed out the airlock without a spacesuit,
re-entering the atmosphere, then slamming into the ground at Commie
Central, then a little thing like a bomb isn't gonna hurt him...

[A screen in front of the five lights up and words begin to appear on

>Redemption -- By Robert Marks

DOUG: Zeppo's evil twin.

> Story (c) 1996 Robert Marks; Doctor Who is a trademark of the
> BBC.

NUMBER ONE: The BBC: We report, we decide, you lump it.

>Author's note: This adventure takes place in between "Shadows and
> Darkness" and the Internet Adventure "Six Sides to
> Every Story". This story also contains mature
> content matter, reader discretion is advised.

MUTSUMI: [swoons] Ooh... My anemia is acting up... Repetition
always does that to me... [falls over, draped across HELEN]

HELEN: (to MUTSUMI, worried) Hey. Hey Watermelon Girl! Are
you dead?

MUTSUMI: (breathily, into HELEN's ear) I'll be okay...

HELEN: (to MUTSUMI) Yeah, but I won't if you keep blowing in my
ear like that.

> The Cast
>The Doctor: Paul McGann
>Grace Holloway: Daphne Ashbrook
>K9: Himself

[MUTSUMI's arms fall slackly, right across HELEN's chest.]

NUMBER ONE: [watching MUTSUMI and HELEN] Well _I'm_

DOUG: [covers eyes] Let me know when it's safe to look.

HELEN: (to MUTSUMI) You're doing this on purpose to tease me!

[MUTSUMI's eyes roll back and she stops breathing.]

>The Valeyard: Michael Jayston
>Carrie: Helen Hunt
> Part III
> "Surely you're aware that if you do this you will be
>altering history!" the Doctor declared.

HELEN: (panicked) She's not breathing! AAH! She's really dead!
Oh Goddess, what do I do?!

NYSSA: Resuscitate her. Give her mouth-to-mouth.

HELEN: Okay! [stops] Wait a minute. I'll bet this is a trick. She's
trying to get me to kiss her.

NYSSA: (to HELEN) So? Since when are you averse to getting it on
with anyone?

NUMBER ONE: [looking at MUTSUMI] She's turning blue, you know.

> "For the better, Doctor," the Valeyard replied. "For the
> "And what about the paradox?" the Doctor demanded. "How do
>you plan to get around that?"

HELEN: Right, then. [cradles MUTSUMI and brings her face near] I'm
going to save her!

[HELEN takes a deep breath and is just about to place her mouth over
MUTSUMI's, when MUTSUMI's eyes snap open and she starts
breathing again.]

MUTSUMI: (to HELEN) Oh me, oh my! Are you about to take
advantage of me?

HELEN: What the--?! You were-- I--

MUTSUMI: [sits up] (to HELEN) I really am flattered by your feelings
for me, but I'm afraid I already have a young man and young woman
in my life.

HELEN: (to MUTSUMI, shouting) I don't have feelings for you!

NUMBER ONE: (aside, to NYSSA) Is it just me, or does Helen sound
just like Diane right now?

[After a bit of mumbling, ALL settle down to normal.]

> The Valeyard activated the Hand of Omega. "Time is quite
>capable of sorting itself out, Doctor," the Valeyard stated.
>"And you are too late."
> In the display, the Doctor could see small blue particles
>entering the star.

NYSSA: The Hand works by dumping Viagra pills into a star, causing
sudden rapid expansion, followed by explosive discharge, as well as
increased confidence and a degree of mellowness...

> "And what about Carrie?" the Doctor asked.

DOUG: (Valeyard) What of it? 'The Shining' was a better movie,
in every respect.

>"If you destroy
>the Time Lords than we will never leave Gallifrey and you two
>will never meet!"

MUTSUMI: ...and this story will not have happened, right?

OTHERS: Do it! Do it! Do it!

> At this Carrie looked worried. The thought of the rape not
>being interrupted by the Valeyard and her becoming a violated
>corpse with a cut throat was too much for her to bear. "I'd be
>dead," she said, shocked.

NYSSA: Well, duh. That's the usual result of being a violated corpse,
after all.

>She looked for comfort at the
>Valeyard, only to see him staring at the Doctor.

HELEN: (Valeyard) You know, I never realized what a hottie my Eighth
self was. So vulnerable. Like a little pussy cat.

NUMBER ONE: Like a little pussy, anyway.

HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE) Pardon?

NUMBER ONE: (to HELEN) I said, 'like a little pussy'.

HELEN: (to NUMBER ONE) Why, yes I do. Are you offering?

NUMBER ONE: (to HELEN) I didn't mean _that_... but now that you
mention it...

[NYSSA pours her drink on NUMBER ONE's head, while DOUG pours
his on HELEN]

DOUG: Cool down, you two hormone-wads.

>Slowly she
>began to put down the gun.

MUTSUMI: (Carrie, slowly) Hey, gun. You suck. Your mother was a
Saturday Night Special.

> * * *
> The thugs and the pimp

NUMBER ONE: ...won a Grammy for their debut rap album, 'Smackin'
Dem Hos Around'.

>finally picked the lock to the

NYSSA: No key this time. That's significant... unless I'm fooling

NUMBER ONE: (to NYSSA) And you are.

>They had followed Carrie's "savior" there; they were
>good at that sort of thing.

DOUG: That's why the Valeyard should have hired them instead of
Professor Slacksoff.

>The strange man hadn't even noticed

HELEN: Because they were wearing scumouflage.

> They found four people and a box to be the contents of the
>warehouse. The box was glowing and two men were arguing. The
>other two were women, and one of them was Carrie.

NUMBER ONE: She was actually Carrie Nation, whose hatchet was
feared by all who imbibe!

MUTSUMI: Temperance is okay, if it's done in moderation.

> "What about the Daleks and Cybermen?" one of the men said,

NYSSA: Well, I'm sure if they show up in this story, it will be
something like, "The Cybermen came to a door. They took out a key,
put it in the lock, and turned the knob, then went inside. Some Daleks
with aristocratic voices were waiting for them. They fought and the
Cybermen won."

DOUG: Wow! That was every bit as vivid as the graphics on a TRS-80.
And not just any TRS-80, but a 16k one!

NUMBER ONE: [whaps DOUG on the head] I think you've just about
beaten that gag into submission, already.

>dressed in Victorian clothes.

HELEN: Actually, they were Victoria _Principal's_ clothes, and the
backless taffeta look was just _not_ working for him.

>The pimp grinned for a minute.

MUTSUMI: He timed it because he was going for a record.

HELEN: Hey, it's Superfly!

>Truly the man was a freak. He motioned the thugs towards Carrie.

DOUG: ...since she was obviously the most dangerous fighter of the
four. And the sad part is, I mean that.

> "They are irrelevant!" Carrie's "savior" replied.

NUMBER ONE: Wow! I had no idea Jim Caviezel would get a cameo
in this!

>"They are
>history as it should be happening. It was never our place to
>interfere! After two trials we should have seen that!"

DOUG: ...OJ is guilty as Hell!

> As the thugs approached Carrie from behind, the pimp took
>out a pistol and sighted it on the hawk nosed man.

HELEN: Get him, Superfly!

> "This time you lose," the pimp whispered.

MUTSUMI: (pimp) _I_ will be the new champion at Warehouse Hide-

> * * *
> "You have to listen to him!" Grace insisted, speaking up for
>the first time. She felt that she had been on the sidelines for
>too long.

NUMBER ONE: (Knute Rockne) Get out there, Grace, and win one for
the Gipper!

DOUG: [hums Notre Dame University's fight song]

NUMBER ONE: (to self) Bleah. I can't believe I just made a Notre
Dame reference. I'll have to go make an act of contrition at the Bear
Bryant shrine...

> "He has never caused anything but trouble!" the Valeyard
>stated. "Your 'Doctor' was put on trial twice by the Time Lords
>for interference.

NYSSA: But he got free because he had an angle...

MUTSUMI: An angle?

NYSSA: A certain character witness named... Hannover Fist!

DOUG: (Hannover Fist, wimpy) Why, the Doctor is a warm and
gracious person, overflowing with the milk of human kindness. And
he would certainly never do anything _immoral_... [twitches] (angry
voice) Unless you count all those times he dressed up like the Pope
and sold nukes and kiddie porn to the PLO!

>He is hated by several races in the galaxy.
>He has to finally grow up and stop being the moralistic

MUTSUMI: Somebody likes the word 'simpleton' almost as much as
he likes keys and locks.

NYSSA: I'm glad somebody likes _something_ here.

> At that moment two things happened.

HELEN: A blast of cold air struck the pantless Valeyard, causing the
inevitable shrinkage, and Grace and Carrie collapsed in helpless

NYSSA: And why shouldn't they? They're helpless in every other way
in this story.

>Carrie screamed and was
>cut off as a knife was put at her throat and a hand over her

DOUG: What about the gun she had so handy a minute ago?

NYSSA: (bitterly) With her, it wouldn't matter if she had a bloody
bazooka pointed right at the bad guys' heads.

HELEN: And Victim N. Perpetuity strikes again!

>and a bullet ricocheted off of the casket right next to
>the Valeyard.

NUMBER ONE: (to pimp, snidely) Lousy grouping there, Lee Harvey.

> Three thugs dragged Carrie up some stairs to the balcony and
>roof, the pimp following. "I will deal with you later, hawk-nose," the
>pimp said.

NUMBER ONE: (pimp) ...because this is apparently a flintlock pistol
and I thus only get one shot every two or three minutes.

MUTSUMI: (pimp) That will give me time to get another grin in.

>"Right now we have some unfinished
>business with her."

DOUG: Dear God, they're going to make her buy soem Amway

> The Valeyard looked distressed,

HELEN: ...as evidenced by the puddle around his feet.

>trying to decide what was
>more important, Carrie or the destruction of the Time Lords.

NYSSA: Well, since destroying the Time Lords will result in Carrie's
death anyway, it's rather a moot point.

>was also befuddled, as a couple of days ago he would have no
>difficulty abandoning the girl.

HELEN: But he had discovered that he _liked_ having someone around
who was wimpier than himself.

>He did know, though, that as
>soon as he left the Doctor would turn off the Hand of Omega.

NUMBER ONE: And if the Doctor wasn't an even bigger puss than
the Valeyard, he'd just go ahead and turn it off anyway while Grace
bitch-slapped the Valeyard into submission.

DOUG: This would make a good EDA -- Emasculated Doctor

> "Damn Rassilon!" the Valeyard cursed, turning and running up
>the stairs. The Doctor immediately began to fiddle with the
>controls of the hand.

MUTSUMI: (Doctor, mumbling) Let's see... Two-sided... Darken...
Collate... Wait a minute, this is a _photocopier_!

DOUG: (to MUTSUMI) No, actually it's not complicated enough to be
a photocopier.

> "What are we doing?" Grace asked.

NYSSA: Screwing up, wimping out, and skiving off, in that approximate

>"Can I help?"

DOUG: You haven't so far.

> "We don't have enough time to shut it off," the Doctor said.
>"All we can do is reverse the particle feed and destroy it."
> "How much damage would it cause?" Grace asked, watching the
>Doctor desperately adjust the controls.

NYSSA: If it's as effective as you lot, it shouldn't even singe the floor.

> "I don't know," the Time Lord replied. "Nobody has ever
>done this before."

HELEN: That's what the five belly-dancers told me when I got out the
latex wimple, the vaulting horse, and the vat of marmalade, but they
turned out to be more limber than they realized.

MUTSUMI: (to HELEN, thoughtful) I can see how you'd use the
vaulting horse, but how do you keep the fifth belly-dancer occupied
without losing your toe-hold?

NUMBER ONE: I think I want to sit with those two.

NYSSA: I think I want to have you all spayed.

> * * *
> The Valeyard arrived on the roof just as the thugs were
>tearing Carrie's pants off.

MUTSUMI: Aw, she and the Valeyard are dressed alike, now. That's
so cute!

NUMBER ONE: [shakes head] Whatever happened to evil goons
that know how to prioritize? The rape comes _after_ getting rid of
potential rescuers, not _before_.

DOUG: [covers eyes] I really don't want t o see a rape scene.

NYSSA: (to DOUG) Well, it's not like there's going to be any kind of

>Carrie was in tears, paralyzed by

NYSSA: (tiredly) Of _course_ she was.

> The pimp looked up and pointed to the Valeyard.

HELEN: (pimp) Wait your turn. I'll rape _you_ when I'm done here,
and not a moment before.

>"Kill him,"
>he said. Two of the thugs began to advance.

NUMBER ONE: (Valeyard, heroic) Foul miscreants! Do what you
want to the girl, but leave me alone!

>The pimp turned his
>attention back to Carrie.

HELEN: (pimp, as waiter) Hi, I'm pimp and I'll be your rapist for this
evening. Would you like to hear about our two-for-one special, or can
I interest you in an appetizer?

OTHERS: [snicker and laugh]

DOUG: [fighting laughter] That was sooo wrong. Beautiful, but

> * * *
> "There!" the Doctor declared. "That should do it!" Blue
>particles began to flood the room, concentrating on the Hand of

DOUG: (singing) He's got the particles/In his hand/Got the blue
particles/In his hand...

NUMBER ONE: It beats what he's _been_ doing -- standing around
like a man with his gland in his hand.

> "What do we do now?" asked Grace.
> The Doctor began to rush towards the stairs, Grace in tow.

NYSSA: (Doctor) Upstairs, Grace! There's a high, abrupt ledge with
your name on it!

>"We have to help the Valeyard!" he shouted, trying to be heard
>above the growing noise in the room.
> * * *
> The first attack the Valeyard stopped with ease,

MUTSUMI: ...skillfully blocking the thug's punches with his face.

>the thug out with a quick chop to the neck.

HELEN: [shakes head] I _so_ can't see that.

>The second thug
>charged the Valeyard,

DOUG: ...with first-degree aggravated campness.

NYSSA: Rechargeable wussies. What will they think of next?

>only to find himself propelled towards the
>door to the warehouse. He struck the door, and fell unconscious
>nest to the ledge.

NUMBER ONE: (pimp) That's it. I am _never_ hiring mooks from
TempThug ever again.

> With those two thugs out of the way, the Valeyard prepared
>to project fear into the pimp and the remaining thug.

MUTSUMI: (Valeyard) Boo!

DOUG: (Valeyard, as Chiyo-chan) Please be afraid, Mr. Pimp! Please
be very, very afraid! Raarrraarr!

HELEN: (Valeyard) I will show you fear in a handful of wuss.

>For some
>reason he was having trouble concentrating, though. Behind him
>the door opened and the Doctor and Grace rushed onto the roof.

NUMBER ONE: (Doctor) Why is there a full moon out tonight, and
so scrawny-looking? Oh, wait, it's just the Valeyard's heinie.

NYSSA: A full rectal eclipse.

> The pimp turned from Carrie, aimed his gun and fired.

NUMBER ONE: Belatedly, he remembered that you were supposed to
point the end with the hole in it _away_ from yourself.

MUTSUMI: Oh my, I'll bet _his_ face is red.

>other thug began to drag Carrie, who was sobbing and weeping,

NYSSA: (author) Have I mentioned lately just how weak and helpless
Carrie is? Just thought I'd remind you.

DOUG: Even more than Grace, Carrie is the load to end all loads.

>towards the ledge.

NUMBER ONE: (thug) Duh, I ain't never raped nobody in free-fall
before. This oughta be fun!

Notes - Part One - Part Two - Part Three - Part Four - Part Five - Part Seven

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